Bachelor Pad episode 2

Unless the show quits sucking, or I start to understand it, pretty sure this will be the last Bachelor Pad blog. I'm giving it one more try, for you all.

1. I super don't understand the rules at all. Evidently, banging = alliance. Opposite of the Real World Road Rules Challenges, in my experience.

2. Um Gia. Who, in their right mind, willingly comes into this situation with a boyfriend?

3. Melissa, maybe you should eat some of that pie. You're still worthless on this show.

4. Krisily, sans gallbladder, can't eat pie? Whatever. What a dbag w/ the "suck it up" comment.

5. Why is it necessary to wear bras only for pie-eating? Also, the confessionals w/ pie all over your face still is pretty ridiculous.

6. Tinley is awful.

7. Something tells me that this isn't the first time these girls have vommed profusely. Way to go girl barfing into her own hand. And Tinley back into pie and then eating again? Good intensity. You're still awful

8. 2 hours is about 1 hour and 30 mins too long for this show.

9. Craig using hair to soak up pie, cause NOTHING is more appetizing than hair in your food.

10. Wonder if they changed the tablecloth in between girls and guys, or if they figure enough bodily fluids are exchanged already so it's not needed.

11. Is Weatherman really a weatherman?

12. Dear Melissa: Deep down, not everyone wants to be an artist. I couldn't think of something I'd like to do less. STOP PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH! Also nice sparkly genie pants. Beat.

13. There is not enough booze present at this body paint date.

14. How did the "cool kids" get to be friends? Bachelor reunions? Gangbangs?

15. Peyton's accent is maddening.

16. Weatherman probably shouldn't be telling the 2 girls who AREN'T getting roses his strategy, cause they can use it to eff him over, yes?

17. Gia needs to stop talking... stat. Sooooo irritating. Also if i were her bf, I'd be STEAMED.

18. "I'm a dumb smart girl." And evidently kind of a whore.

19. Wes is hammeredpants. Love

20. What up Team Hypocrite, Gia?

21. I wish Kiptyn didn't have such a terrible name, cause he's a cutie.

22. Gingham shirt and spotted tie? Really, Chris Harrison? REALLY?

23. Tinley is awful.

24. The group convo makes me feel like Chris Harrison is a middle school cheerleading coach or camp counselor dealing with children. Ridic.

25. Sort of respect Nikki for keeping her word. Unfortunately I'm so bored I'm about to pass out. Hurry up, rose ceremony. Oh just kidding. I was washing dishes and missed that she flipped. Two-face fail.

26. The intense music is a good choice, won't lie. There are a lot of dude purple shirts this evening.

27. Super glad Krysali (sp?) was saved, but sucks about Craig douche-hair. Jessie S deserved what she got. Two-faced.

This show sucks. Laying it out there. Not a fan. This will probably be the last Bachelor Pad blog. Sorry.

2010 Primetime Emmy Awards Live Blog

Will be tweeting briefly during the arrivals. So far, Claire Danes looks awesome... the gents at my place think Nina Dobrev is the HOTTEST. Loving the gray suit on NPH, and his general awesometude. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE Hugh Laurie in the navy suit. He needs to win. STAT. Last season of House was the perfect one for this to be the year. Lea Michele gets a big WOW. Love the dress, like the hair. Steve Carell and his wife are the cutest. Giuliana Rancic has been bringing the awkward. She also needs to eat a sandwich.

Show is starting. Current guests include Sue-dawg, and DJ Victorious is on the way. Gent caller at work, but should be around in time for the big awards at the end of the night, after the Franzia has really kicked in for the ladies.

Glee kids at the beginning of the show. I feel good about this so far. Ewwwwwww Kate Gosselin should not be featured with the Glee kids. I'm displeased. Jon Hamm makes it all better. With Betty White my life is made. Could this be the best Emmy opening of all time? SUE SYLVESTER SAYS YES. Yeah this is definitely the best. If this song isn't available on iTunes, I"m going to be disappointed. Would have been great if Bruce actually showed. I'm still wildly pro. WILDLY.

Aaaand montages. My life needs more montages.

Comedy:

For comedy, I'd like to see NPH finally take one home. Steve Carell would be nice. NPH's category first. Sue-dawg likes Modern Family for everything. I'd like Glee to take home a few. In supporting actor, I'd really be disappointed if it's Cryer. Otherwise, good to go. I really need to start watching Modern Family. Planning to Hulu it pre season 2 premiere. Modern Family is going to CLEAN UP. Hope Glee brings at least a few home. If Sue Sylvester doesn't win, there's a high possibility that I break the television in a fit of rage. At least Colbert is announcing. Jane Lynch FTW. God I love her so freaking much it's ridic. Chandler Bing sighting. Happykinsssssssssssssssssss. His suit is great, btw. Sad that guest actor is pre-awarded, because that limits the amount of Agro Crag jokes which can be made about Mike O'Malley, but that's OK, I suppose. Outstanding lead actor. Love Baldwin and Morrison and Carrell. And it goes to Big Bang Theory. I hate America. Seriously. If it's on CBS and it's not How I Met Your Mother, I'm not interested. Ugh. Offended. Also dude is wearing wayyyyy too much makeup.

Reality:

Top Chef takes home best show, and I'm wildly pro. Sue-Dawg says she read a Gawker tell-all that said Padma is a horrific bitch, but that Gail is awesome. Not at all shocked.

Drama:

I'm back in love with Grey's Anatomy. Just saying. The last two seasons have sort of sucked, but the finale of this season totally made up for all of it. If Hugh Laurie doesn't win best actor after this season, I will be crazy upset. CRAZY upset. In the commercial we are now re-watching the opening cause DJ Victorious was a little late. Best. Opening. Ever. Hugh Laurie didn't win, again. Still hate America. Wildly pro Elton John outfit, Fallon. Good intensity with the ended dramas montage, Emmys. Not nearly as effing kickass as the Boyz II Men tribute. I can't adequately express my love of Boyz II Men and of Law and Order (thanks for helping me pass Criminal Procedure, BTW) and of pouring one out for my homies. I'll say it, Fallon is hitting a home run tonight. And I thought no one could surpass NPH. I love NPH, but Fallon is kicking ass. KEVIN BACON SIGHTING KEVIN BACON SIGHTING. Your wife's hair doesn't look cute.

Variety:

Would like to point out that I can see all the way up January Jones' skirt where she's sitting. Classy. Ricky Gervais steals the show again. "Mel Gibson has been through a lot. Not as much as the Jews." God damn it I love you Ricky Gervais. National treasure, for the Brits (thus, me vicariously). Opening ceremony director wins. Couldn't be happier unless I cared more, but the Vancouver Opening and Closing Ceremonies were phenomenal. Daily Show wins again. I'd have liked to see it be Conan or Colbert, but Daily Show is a solid choice.

Clooney:

All the humanitarian awards for Clooney. Love that Marguiles is presenting. ER love forever. I'm not super on board with the short in front long in back dresses. Laying it out there.

Dead People Montage:

Everyone knows this is my favorite part. And now I know why Jewel was invited. Bring on ALL the Golden Girls. Pouring some of my chillable red Franzia out for my Golden Girls bitches. GUMBY'S CREATOR DIED? Sadpants. Corey Haim makes the cut? REALLY? Boner shoutout. Love you Boner. So much. Gent caller once described the favorite tattoo he'd ever seen = two golden girls on one leg, two on the other. One leg, underneath ladies says "Dem." Under the others? "Bitches." I hate tats, but I'm on board.

Miniseries, etc:

These less famous people, the miniseries kids, they know good tuxes. Just saying. Claire Danes, I think, wins the best dressed award for the night.

The important awards:

Mad Men wins best Drama. Sue-dawg is displeased, as "Lost will never be nominated again." I haven't watched Lost yet, but intend to, and I've seen a few episodes of Mad Men, and they are excellent. I intend to watch them both. Whatever. TED DANSON FACIAL HAIR OFFENDS ME, just saying. Modern Family wins. It's at the top of my Netflix queue. I'm glad for them, and can't wait to watch it. I'm a Glee fanatic, but they had a rough stretch for a few episodes, and the focus on guest stars toward the later half was too much. Hopefully the Emmy loss inspires Glee to get even better. Plus Modern Family has all of the Illini references. WIN.

All in all, a girls night w/ a good casserole and all the boxed wine was a success, and I'm only offended about Hugh Laurie's lack of an Emmy... still....

Bachelor Pad, Episode 1

OK kids. Apologies in advance as this is super delayed, but, I'll be honest. Now that we are working full time, sitting down to dedicate 2 hours to a reality TV blog is probably not going to happen. Least of all for Bachelor Pad, which, sorry to say, sucked in episode 1. Smurftastic is officially not a fan. I might need to just start blogging the shows I watch every week anyway (Real Housewives, Bethenny Getting Married, Top Chef) instead of forcing myself to watch something I don't really care about... or, you know, give up. For episode 1, I only have notes on the first half from DJ Victorious, and will interject them at the appropriate point with mine. I sincerely doubt that this will be a weekly occurrence. That said, the Emmys are on this Sunday, and you know I can always be counted on to bust out an awards show rundown. Get excited. But, for now, Bachelor Pad, episode 1 commences...

Smurftastic's thoughts:

So I’m so far unfamiliar with everyone they have shown in previews, thus, think they are all whoreish. Vaguely recall Chrysalee (sp?) for her ridic name… but still, all whoreish. Melissa Rycroft is beat when her hair is straight, btw. None of these assholes know the different between right and left. Absolutely the opposite of shocked. Captain Blowout wins and other dude says “I pretty much know that there is no god.” No idea who this is, but he seems pretty hated. Maybe I will decide to love him out of life spite. Lots of terrible dye jobs and decent boob jobs.

I was drinking and having heart to hearts during the explanation of the rules of this show, so I’m a bit confused at the drunken attempt at alliances. Elizabeth needs to reevaluate her foundation choices.

SOMEONE’S ALREADY ON THE MOVE FOR TEAM DORM-BONE! Classy. Over-under on amount of herp in this house? GO. “Ew do you think that they boned?” I’m not sure who said it, but I wanna be friends w/ them.

Terrible dye job girls don’t get further date/ rose. I determine Melissa needs to get her eat on. Lifehouse cover band? FAIL.

Bathroom fight? Bathroom fight. This seems dangerous and claw-ey. Tinley is also super dumb, just saying.

Yellow swimsuit? Opposite of a flattering angle, Nikki. Gross.

This show is awful. All of these women are insane.

Gia’s extensions are terrible, but her dress is awesome. The combo of all the dudes in jeans and blazers with uber fancy cocktail dresses is awkward, but not as awkward as harrison’s tie. Random dressed up dude + random flannel + random male jean capris = enormous amount of fail. Did they not have money for stylists on this show? JESUS. Melissa Rycroft is pointless in the elimination. If you’re gonna have her around, let her contribute. Nikki has a butt-chin. Might be former dude.

DJ Victorious' thoughts:

1. 1. Love that Chris Harrison is now playing the role of Bachelor/Bachelorette during the opening sequence as he greets everyone that exits the limos.

2. 2. These “Bachelor reunions” sound crazier than the Olympic Village

3. 3. Did he legally change his name to “Weatherman”? Cause I would respect him more if he did.

4. 4. Tenley sucks.

5. 5. Wes looks bloated. One too many trips to the buffet during those Bachelor reunions on the cruise ship.

6. 6. Elizabeth looks like a slightly younger version of Magda from “There’s Something About Mary.”

7. 7. Tenley sucks.

8. 8. Craig M. is like a poor man’s Wolverine.

9. 9. Weatherman wears WAY too much make-up.

10. 10. Is Peyton a man?

11. 11. $250,000 would just about pay off my law school loans, but I’m not sure I would be willing to spend a weekend, let alone a month, with the people in this house.

12. 12. Tenley sucks.

13. 13. Apparently, the key to winning Twister is being able to tell your left from your right.

14. 14. I’ve felt awkward this entire episode. These conversations are painful to watch.

15. 15. Lot’s of gratuitous ass shots.

16. 16. Thank god for night-vision cameras.

17. 17. Sex Panther.

18. 18. I don’t understand why the women are wearing bathing suits, but not other clothes, in the limo on the way to their “date” with Craig.

Smurftastic officially gives the win for this episode commentary to DJVictorious. Yours in the comments...

NEW BLOG SERIES UPDATE

DJ Victorious, Jeflow and I will be coming out of retirement beginning the week of August 9 to liveblog ABC's "The Bachelor Pad."

Let the unintentional (intentional?) hilarity ensue!

Show description below, via IMDB. Sounds a lot like The RW/RR Challenges to me, and that's a GOOD thing.

"The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" meet "Big Brother" in this elimination contest, in which 19 castoffs from the ABC dating games face weekly challenges while living under the same roof. In the opener, they move into the bachelor pad, where their first challenge -- a game of Twister -- awaits. Then, before the elimination, there's a day-night group date. Chris Harrison and Melissa Rycroft are the hosts.

See you in a couple of weeks! While you wait for us and the show, let's take over/unders on the number of female contestants that Chris Harrison has already banged. Awwwwkwarrrrrd.

2010 Oscars Live Blog

Hey all... Here's the standard Oscar blog. I'm kicking it off by saying that Zach Efron is looking GOOD tonight. Kathy Ireland is easily the most awkward interviewer I've ever seen. Ever.

The 10 movies nominated for Best Picture debate has begun. I think it's good for the Oscar ratings, but some movies nominated get ridiculous. However, I really hate watching the Oscars when I haven't seen any of the movies nominated for big awards. Nonetheless, even with more movies nominated, I still have only seen 2 movies nominated, and only liked one of them. Kate Winslet's hair looks great, but I've seen her in better dresses. I absolutely adore her in everything.

Why are these Twilight assholes all over the place? This blatant pandering for ratings is offensive to me.
Show is starting. Preliminarily, let me say that I am ridiculously excited about Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are hosting. I have a crush on Steve Martin, and I don’t even feel bad about it. He’s #2 on my old man crush list, second only to Harrison Ford.
NPH SURPRISE APPEARANCE! I simply cannot express how much I love him. Love his sparkly jacket. Love him singing. Love it all. Steve Martin’s glasses make him not as awesome, but I’d still do him. Meryl Streep burn. Awesome. This is digressing into awkwardness quickly, however. The blatantly awkward “oh look” is a kind of hilarious. Bringing up the Avatar-Hurt Locker ex-wife thing. Why are they sitting next to each other? They HATE each other.
Inglorious Basterds guy wins the supporting actor award. I’m sure he was wonderful, but I’m hesitant to be in favor of anything that makes Quentin Tarantino feel good about himself. Up wins best animated picture. Not shocking, and I in no way care. At least it led me to a Mr. Grant sighting. I love Mr. Grant.
Colin Farrel was in Crazy Heart? SINGING? INSTANTLY ADDING TO LIST OF MOVIES I WANT TO SEE. Writer just busted out “I love you more than rainbows.” Die. The intro to best screenplay with Tina Fey and Robert Downey Jr. is by far the most entertaining of the night. RDJ’s outfit is amazing.
John Hughes tribute. I’m foreseeing I’ll cry. I heart Matthew Broderick. Macaulay Culkin. Wow. He has grown to be a creepy adult. Shocking.
Break for the boring awards.
Sarah Jessica Parker’s hair looks ridiculous. It was pretty cute initially, but apparently got frizz sesh. Charlize Theron’s boob focus dress was a poor styling decision by all accounts.

Twilight kids. Ugh. Then salute to horror montage. LOVE. IT. Zac Efron is getting hella screen time. I must say that I am really excited to see “Me and Orson Welles” and for his legitimate acting career to take off. The sound editor from “The Hurt Locker” is horrifying.

John Travolta. In jeans. What an uber douche.

Demi Moore is here. I feel dead people montage. Ghost theme song. Swayze. James Taylor singing In My Life. Instantly choked up. Natasha Richardson is the one who officially gets me. Ugh. Interpretive dance montage. I’m sure this is all very impressive, but I’m calling it an awkward fail. God. This is way too long. This is an abortion. I'd rather watch the sci tech awards again than this dance montage. That's the problem w/ modern dance. It's all very pretty, but it never fits the music or the theme and just ends up making everyone uncomfortable.

JASON. BATEMAN!

Tyler Perry, please stop talking. Hurt Locker is taking a lot of the smaller awards from Avatar. Might bode well for best picture. As long as it’s not Avatar.

Who invited Keanu Reeves? Oh the “Point Break” bond with Bigelow. Pro. I literally cannot accurately capture my hatred of Quentin Tarantino in words. It’s unfortunate that he’s so talented when he’s so irritating.

The fellating of the best actor nominees has begun. I am tired. This needs to move on, even though I’m quite enjoying the close ups of the guys, and Colin Farrel. Jeff Bridges gets the W. Absolutely not surprised. I hope he accepts entirely as The Dude. I kind of want to see his movie now, but I probably won’t. I probably should have added Jeff Bridges to the list of famous people I want to hang out with.

Best actress montage. I actually am excited to see who this award goes to. Our hostess says “I hope the Precious chick wins, because she’ll never get the chance to win again.” Our hostess’ brother taking the late comer hilarity award of the night with the following gems... “Because she’ll be dead in an hour and a half? It’s tough to act when you’ve lost both your feet to diabetes. She’s so fat her eyes don’t open. She wins for attacking that trainer at Sea World last week.” Sandra Bullock is kind of a surprise, won’t lie. I might have to see The Blind Side. She wins the gracious speech award. Jesse James loses hella street cred for crying.

Finally best picture award. Just kidding. Best direction. DIAF, Oscars. It’s almost midnight, and I’m a tuckered out little lamb. Why is Barbara Streisand presenting this? Fail. Kathryn Bigelow wins… there’s an awkward “will he congratulate his ex wife?” moment with Cameron. If he does, it’s not caught on camera. Way to go Point Break director! OK. Enough. They need to get more dedicated to the “wrap it up” rule. This is getting ridiculous.

Tom Hanks is here, so I’m hoping THIS is actually best picture. Hurt Locker wins again. Congrats. Suck it James Cameron. I’m going home.

Good night, ya’ll!

WORLDS... WILL... COLLIDE...

I think they need to ask me to star in this movie, and the above should be the tagline. Just saying. Somepeopleknit's favorite unicorn rider has signed on to play the lead in the...

wait for it...

SMURFS. MOVIE.

Via JustJared.com - "Neil Patrick Harris will star in the forthcoming Smurfs: The Movie!" Read more at http://justjared.buzznet.com/2010/03/04/neil-patrick-harris-lands-lead-in-smurfs-the-movie/.

Further reading leads me to believe this movie will be TERRIBLE, but I in no way care. Not terrible enough for me not to dress up as a Smurf, spike a blue ICEE with some form of liquor, and terrify small children in the theater on opening night. HEART YOU NPH!

2010 Grammy Awards

Here we go... half assed as per usual lately. Working full time really takes it out of you.

Gaga-Elton John. “How wonderful life is with Gaga in the world.” Vom.

Stephen Colbert – hope he’s the host. He is so fantastic.

T Swift wins country album of the year – not surprised. She’s badass cause she writes her own songs. She and her mom are sitting next to Ringo Starr. Lucky kid…

Beyonce singing “You Oughta Know” is kinda amazing. She’s tossing her hair too much, but otherwise a great performance.

Pink performance. Not a fan. Turned back to Planet Earth Extremes. THOSE COCKROACHES ATE THAT BAT DOWN TO THE BONE. Awesome.

Zac Brown Band wins best new artist. Good for them, good for country music… they really do the genre the right way, staying away from too much pop.

MILEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She looks great. Sad that she’s announcing the Black Eyed Peas, as they are INCREDIBLY irritating. JBone: “This performance is heinous.” Agreed. Back to Planet Earth.

Jonas Brothers introduce Lady Antebellum singing “Need You Now.” Wildly pro everything involved. Even when the girl gets hit in the face with the sheet. Love it all. Can’t get enough of that song.

Glad Stephen Colbert won for comedy album, mainly because it’s the only one I’ve heard.

Robert Downey Jr. is wearing a ridiculous suit jacket with straps, and I love it. He intros Jamie Foxx attempting to sing opera. Ridiculous. Wildly anti auto tune. Oh heyyyyyy- Otter pups learning to fish! Nice to see you. Look out for that crocodile.

T Swift with Stevie Nicks was cool. T’s outfit was ridiculous. Now MJ tribute, but seems like they’re just gonna do slow jam. If I am dealing with Usher in an MJ tribute, I want him dancing, not singing We Are the World. Just saying. This 3-D is lame, as I have no goggles, and so it’s all fuzzy… makes J Bone and I feel like we’re a few more beers in than we are in. Carrie Underwood, per usual, looks fantastic. Also on Planet Earth Extremes, a polar bear tried to kill walruses, but instead he died. I’m basically heartbroken.

Bon Jovi performance. Still not sure why they are on, but I’m on board, I suppose. Glad they brought out Jennifer Nettles for “Who Says You Can’t Go Home,” but now she’s awkwardly standing behind them during “Livin’ on a Prayer.” Oh she sings… she must be in heaven. I would be. Bon Jovi has only gotten better looking with age.

I’M ON A BOAT WAS ROBBED!

Just realized this goes till 11:30. I am not happy. Instead, I’ll watch the cockroaches eat the bat again.

Maxwell. Never heard this song. Pretty indifferent, and fading fast.

Of course because I’m watching something else I miss the beginning of the dead people montage. Hope there wasn’t anyone awesome at the beginning. The Les Paul tribute is pretty awesome.

Lady Gaga’s outfit #3 of the night is awful, pretty standard, actually. Quentin Tarantino’s outfit is even worse with the polka dot shirt. He’s also speaking with a fake thug ish accent. Pretty exciting how much I hate him, really.

Lil Wayne and some other rappers. Whatever... The sound goes out and I actually don’t care. Unaware that Eminem was still making music. He’s pretty talented but I’m equally indifferent. Lil’ Wayne really is little.

T Swift brings home album of the year. Good for her. Hers is the only album I listened to all the way trhough, but when the neighbors bought Lady Gaga I wanted to kill myself, so there you go. She’s so adorable it’s almost too much. Excited it went to a country artist.

Going to bed. Peace out.