We’re back! After a long summer of subpar (yes Smurftastic admits this) European blog entries, a new school year has started, and that means the blog machine is back in business. Get excited.
In honor (memoriam?) of Owen Wilson’s escapades this week (too soon??? Too soon?)… DJ Victorious and Smurftastic proudly present the men who could make us do the same thing.
DJV #10. Brad Pitt: he’s hot (or at least everyone else seems to think so), he’s talented (this is relatively speaking. If not for my love and admiration of Snatch I may not be able to justify his overall professional skills), he says he does lots of shit for the under-privileged, he adopts and begets adorable children, and he’s filthy rich. Evidence suggests that former partners (yes, I’m talking to you Jennifer Aniston) have, if not technically attempted suicide after the break-up, died a slow, painful death in the eyes of all celebrity-gossip consumers.
Smurftastic’s 10) It’s a tie – 10(a) Harrison Ford – if he pulled out of Indiana Jones 4 and/or would not wear that archaeologist outfit ALL THE TIME; 10(b) Rex Grossman – do I really need to explain after the last Superbowl? – plus… what if he were to deprive me from Throwgasms?
DJV #9. Zac Efron: I don’t really know who this guy is, but he’s been popping up on all my favorite gossip-sites lately. All I know is that he looks like a girl and probably weighs, maximum, half of what I weigh. After he broke up with me, my first motivation for offing myself would be the obvious – he’s totally gay and I was the girl that finally convinced him to bat for the other team permanently. But what would actually push me into action is the mental image of millions of pre-teen girls laughing at me and vocally cheering my downfall. This would be like a magnification of the abuse I got for my school picture in 6th grade when my over-permed hair formed a geometrically perfect triangle. Damn kids are mean.
Smurftastic’s 9) Quentin Tarentino – I HATE that guy… I’d off myself just to get away from him
DJV #8. Tom Cruise: after dumping his crazy ass I would immediately pursue discussions with various media-outlets and publishing companies to broadcast an expose on the Cruise inner-world (which, in addition to being fun, would almost guarantee a quick method for paying off my law school debts). Upon discovering my intentions to ruin Tom, the Scientologists would brain-wash me into jumping off the George Washington Bridge, thereby silencing me forever. *Note* Default Suicide-Attempt Explanation = the aliens made me do it.
Smurftastic’s 8) Hugh Grant – for no particular reason – just always had a thing for him, and I’d probably be pretty upset if he dumped me for a hooker who looks like a dude (seriously dude, I know it was like 1994… but she was fugtastic)
DJV #7. Jack White: he’s not very attractive. And he’s weird. And he insists his ex-wife is actually his sister. But 5 minutes watching him play his guitar is enough to make him capable of convincing me to do anything. ANYTHING. I would sacrifice my life to go on tour with him and bask in his awesomeness every day. Once he realized that I was no longer providing sufficient music-muse inspiration he would let me go. After only a few days I would realize that my life could no longer reach the level of cool-ness I had when I was him. Then I would slit my wrists because it would be a bloody mess and everyone knows that his favorite color his red. And I’m pretty sure that move would guarantee the writing of a White Stripes song dedicated to me.
Smurftastic’s 7) Tom Cruise – I would assume that Scientology talk can get REALLY annoying
DJV #6. Kenneth Branagh: this choice is so nerdy I’m almost embarrassed to include it. But I refuse to deny that I am a huge dork, especially when it comes to Shakespeare. So, Sir Ken is chosen for two reasons. #1. I actually think he’s really hot. #2. I would definitely die while we acted out some fantasy of mine where we assumed the lead roles in Romeo & Juliet. I would get so carried away with playing my part that I actually, literally, kill myself at the end. I feel kind of bad because this would probably be really awkward for him. Sorry Ken.
Smurftastic’s 6) Andre Agassi – if he retired from tennis. Oh. Wait. Crap. I’ll be right back….
Smurftastic Side-Note: I would also like to point out that although Kenneth B is a completely random pick for DJ Vic…it seems awesome, not because I also heart Shakespeare, but he was in one of the Harry Potter movies.
DJV #5. Tupac: of course, this would be a pseudo-suicide. Tupac and I meet, probably in LA, and start a hot and heavy love affair. I get his name tattooed in gothic letters across my abdomen. He convinces me that the only way we can really be together is if I disappear with him. Otherwise, my attention-and-money-seeking family will tell Entertainment Tonight that he’s still alive. So I stage an elaborate, newsworthy, death and start anew in Vegas with Pac. Put 2 fingers in the air.
Smurftastic’s 5) Brad Pitt – if he dumped me for that skank baby freak Angelina
DJV #4. Ben Roethlisberger: he’s a high-profile professional athlete. I’m the hometown girl that moves back from the big city to be with him. We start a love affair that captivates the city of Pittsburgh. Our wedding rivals The Royal Wedding, except my dress is much more attractive. Immediately after the wedding, he starts choking. Throwing interceptions. Unable to evade defenders. The Steelers start losing, and losing bad. The Steel City is convinced that I am the reason their beloved quarterback is ruining the team. He agrees. He leaves me and can no longer stand to be in the same city. The Steelers trade him to Cleveland – the only team that will take him and his awful statistics. Each subsequent Steelers loss is blamed on me. I can no longer handle the pressure. As every Steelers fan knows, suicide is a sacrifice a fan may have to make for the good of the team. I bleed Black and Gold.
Smurftastic’s 4) David Beckham – if he beat me at soccer. I HATE to lose
DJV #3. Jack Black: I start to date him because he’s funny. But then I realize, no, he’s not funny, HE'S THE MOST ANNOYING PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH. One day I say to him, “If you start singing that god damn Tenacious D music one more time I’m going to kill myself!" He thinks I’m kidding. I am not.
Smurftastic’s 3) Emilio Estevez – Yeah. That’s right. EMILIO - what if a) He cut me from the Ducks or b) would not quack with me on random special occasions
DJV #2. John Cusack: I would have been dating John prior to dating Jack. That Peter Gabriel boom-box move from Say Anything is a strong one. But after watching High Fidelity I begin to think that John really is a depressed, pathetic, loser and am captivated by the witty banter of a fellow music snob such as Jack. After a short time I realize what a horrible mistake I made. How could I have forgotten Serendipity! A romantic comedy I inexplicably LOVE. When I try to get John back he’s totally over it and I consume enough frozen hot chocolate to die a happy, and delicious, death.
Smurftastic’s 2) Justin Timberlake – only if I were Britney Spears. Remember when she was the more successful one? - YIKES
DJV #1. Jake Gyllenhaal: he’s dreamy. And seems like a normal, down-to-earth dude. And he would obviously dump me because he’s a good person and I’m an asshole that writes a blog making fun of people who try to kill themselves.
Smurftastic’s 1) George Clooney – seems like the coolest man alive… and I could foresee myself being desperate for his approval
