More Holiday Fun - Greatest Holiday MOVIES!

OK, in an increased fit of holiday spirit (to be combined with Christmas break boredom), Smurftastic proudly presents her favorite Holiday movies of all time.

1. A Christmas Story - Yes, I do usually watch at least 6 hours of TBS's 24hrs of a Christmas Story. The humor in this is amazing... best line = "I can't put my arms down!... You can put your arms down when you get to school." The little brother (who I think might do porn now), is the best character... by far.
2. It's a Wonderful Life - I know it's cheesy, I know it's a cliche for a best Christmas movie. But man... the Capra-Stewart combo is CLUTCH. Every movie they do is pretty much amazing. Also, is it wrong that I kind of have a crush on Jimmy Stewart in this movie? Whatever. Adorable.
3. Elf - if you haven't seen this movie (DJVic, I'm talking to you...), you NEED to. Even if you don't like Ferrell, this movie is amazing. I may like it so much because I see a lot of myself in Buddy the Elf (what's your favorite color?). The quotable lines in this flick are pretty numerous, and there is great music and arctic puffins!
4. White Christmas - Bing Crosby and the other dude, George Clooney's aunt and the other chick, singing great songs, loving the veterans, and falling in love at a ski resort. Bring it on.
5. All I Want for Christmas - Early nineties... heartwarming, precocious kids (Thora Birch!) trying to get their family back together. Plus Christmas movies in NYC are amazing. I just remember LOVING this movie when I was younger, then saw it on ABC Family a couple of years ago and still thinking it was awesome.
6. Miracle on 34th Street - original black and white version; features Maureen O'Hara, one of my favorite actresses of all time, plus it proves that Santa (and NYC Macy's commercialism) is real. Capitalism and the law is really what the holidays are all about.
7. Home Alone - best line that I recite WAY too much = "Buzz, your girlfriend... WOOF." Good memories with this one and watching it on TV every Thanksgiving for about 10 years.
8. How the Grinch Stole Christmas - animated version (F U Jim Carrey... though I never saw that one, I refuse on principle)
9. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - I may be stoned by some people for putting it so late on the list. I love Christmas Vacation, but I didn't actually see it fully (without TV editing) till a couple of years ago. Best scene = squirrel, hands down.
10. TIE! - The Santa Clause and Love Actually - The Santa Clause gets relegated to a tie because of the incessant number of sequels, but the original is actually pretty funny, and reminds us of the hey-day of Tim Allen. Love Actually is really one of the greatest movies I've seen ever, but it is relegated to a tie because though it has a Christmas slant, is totally watchable year around.

Holiday Songs Update - Worst of the Worst, and honorable mention

Bored during finals again... naturally... so in honor of our earlier post, Smurftastic presents the 5 worst Holiday songs of all time, and honorable mention for the greatest holiday songs.

First... the worst of the worst, in no particular order. What gets you to be the worst? General suckiness, ridiculousness that is not amusing, cheesiness, and the ability to get stuck in my head when I don't want you there. Feel free to leave your comments about songs that drive you nuts!

The 5 Worst Holiday Songs of All Time:

• Love on Layaway - Gloria Estefan
• The Little Drummer Boy - Anyone (I have the WEAKEST of tolerances for the Bowie/Crosby version... very weak... but it's there)
• Blue Christmas - Elvis
• Away in a Manger - Mannheim Steamroller (pretty much anything by Mannheim fits here because, seriously, they are the Enya of Christmas music... sorry DJVic and brother)
• Here Comes Santa Claus - Ludacris (featured in the credits for Fred Claus... just, well, awkward)

And now... for those of you who enjoyed the Greatest Holiday songs of all time... here are Smurftastic's honorable mentions:

• All I Want for Christmas is a Real Good Tan - Kenny Chesney
• Wizard Chess - Harry and the Potters
• Angels We have Heard on High - Jesus (aka church music)
• Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - pretty much anyone
• Feliz Navidad - remember on Sesame Street Christmas when Big Bird ice skated to that song? AWESOME
• Run Rudolph, Run - Jimmy Buffett

Screw the writer's strike... we have bored law students during finals

What follows is an actual instant messenger conversation in which a movie was basically written. Try not to steal it. Because it WILL win the oscar. Enjoy.

Tex (1:55:03 PM): ok, i have a movie idea
Tex (1:55:15 PM): Smurftastic is... THE DIVORCE PLANNER
Smurftastic (2:05:44 PM): but that requires me to get married
Smurftastic (2:05:51 PM): whilst my true plan is just to get rich
Smurftastic (2:06:10 PM): and that have a HUGE party in which i wear a white dress, there is open bar, and we do the electric slide
Tex (1:55:38 PM): not really
Tex (1:55:46 PM): you can just plan each of my divorces for me
Tex (1:56:04 PM): Tex is a thrice-divorced attorney, living in new york
Tex (1:56:18 PM): he just got married and this time, he wants to make sure he gets his divorce right
Smurftastic (2:06:43 PM): and to avoid getting assraped by the Mrs.
Smurftastic (2:07:02 PM): he hires a spunky, talented, yet socially troubled law school buddy to help him w/ the prenup
Smurftastic (2:08:05 PM): it'll make you laugh, cry, and question your alcohol tolerance.
Tex (1:58:02 PM): and... we have our tagline
Tex (1:58:20 PM): you'll fall in love... before quickly falling out of love again
Smurftastic (2:08:35 PM): cultures clash as a corn fed alci from the midwest tries to navigate the complicated lovelife from a transplanted texan
Tex (2:00:14 PM): oh yes, it's the wedding planner meets fear and loathing in las vegas
Smurftastic (2:11:07 PM): does that make me j-lo? cause i need a bigger ass
Tex (2:01:05 PM): no no, that makes you mescalin
Smurftastic (2:12:27 PM): ps the movie will be rated R for male nudity, general profanity, multiple strip club scenes, and substance abuse
Tex (2:04:59 PM): the strip clubs in the movie will be called "The Penetration Station" and "The Hot Box"
Smurftastic (2:15:19 PM): can i drop out now and start writing?
Tex (2:05:14 PM): i already did
Smurftastic (2:16:48 PM): who should play you? or are we being damon-affleck about this?
Tex (2:07:02 PM): well, unless we are making a horror movie i probably shouldn't be the lead
Tex (2:07:06 PM): owen wilson
Tex (2:07:13 PM): because of the broken nose and he's from texas
Smurftastic (2:19:55 PM): i call reese witherspoon
Smurftastic (2:22:48 PM): also she's cute
Smurftastic (2:23:04 PM): hmmmmmmmmmm... who else could play me - if we are thinking divorce and disaster.... Britney?
Smurftastic (2:23:09 PM): but i don't like fried chicken that much
Tex (2:13:07 PM): i need a real bitch
Tex (2:13:12 PM): like the chick in saving silverman
Tex (2:13:29 PM): who would be a great bitch?
Smurftastic (2:25:45 PM): um. me.
Tex (2:15:36 PM): no way
Smurftastic (2:25:54 PM): plus it'd be fun to win an oscar
Smurftastic (2:26:02 PM): for both actress and screenplay
Smurftastic (2:26:34 PM): your wife will be....................
Smurftastic (2:27:11 PM): bridget moynahan
Smurftastic (2:27:16 PM): tainted goods w/ brady baby
Smurftastic (2:27:40 PM): so i can try and navigate the agreement so you still get brady's chiuld support money after you dump the bitch
Smurftastic (2:28:02 PM): which may lead to a scene in which i seduce brady (played by him) - to get him to agree to it
Smurftastic (2:30:24 PM): wife must be brunette so as to clash w/ my blonde ambition
Tex (2:20:45 PM): or my first wife was blonde, my second was a redhead, and now this new wife is a brunette
Tex (2:20:50 PM): there's a joke right there
Smurftastic (2:31:28 PM): I was your first wife... so there's drama w/ the divorce there
Smurftastic (2:31:51 PM): and i took so much from you that i sort of grew a conscience and want to prevent it from happening to you again
Smurftastic (2:32:11 PM): PLUS conflict of interest in that i don't want this new brunette bitch taking a percentage of my alimony
Smurftastic (2:32:15 PM): man this is getting complicated
Tex (2:22:21 PM): writing an oscar-winner is never easy
Tex (2:23:10 PM): but most importantly it can't have a happy ending
Tex (2:23:17 PM): the last scene must be me divorcing bridget
Smurftastic (2:33:37 PM): no not at all
Smurftastic (2:33:50 PM): NO the unhappy ending is that you paid so much in legal fees
Smurftastic (2:33:55 PM): but then stay happily married
Smurftastic (2:34:07 PM): you have a ball and chain forever
Smurftastic (2:34:12 PM): (insert ball joke here)
Tex (2:23:58 PM): we just wrapped up the entire male ages 13-200 demographic
Smurftastic (2:34:22 PM): and tom brady wraps up the chicks
Smurftastic (2:34:42 PM): literally
Smurftastic (2:34:43 PM): ZING
Tex (2:25:52 PM): bridget's character's name? monica scarpelli
Tex (2:30:35 PM): i bet this is how good will hunting was started
Tex (2:30:46 PM): well, this conversation + truckloads of douchebaggery
Tex (2:34:04 PM): this conversation will become a class at the USC film school some day
Smurftastic (2:45:01 PM): i should post it on my blog
Smurftastic (2:45:06 PM): so studios can start reading about it and raising money
Smurftastic (2:45:18 PM): FUCK YOU WRITERS STRIKE ... we have tex and smurftastic
Tex (2:35:07 PM): yeah, we need to start thinking about capital
Tex (2:42:29 PM): ok, so we have our primary cast
Tex (2:42:36 PM): what is the main obstacle for the movie in general
Smurftastic (2:56:10 PM): giving up your playboy lifestyle to settle down w/ a 3rd woman
Smurftastic (2:56:25 PM): or better yet, convincnig that 3rd woman to allow you to keep bitches on the side
Tex (2:46:24 PM): while simultaneously dealing with the emotional baggage from my past 2 failed marriages
Tex (2:46:47 PM): kind of like a greek tragedy
Tex (2:47:07 PM): i know i shouldn't get married, but i do anyway, and in the end i die
Tex (2:47:46 PM): your character is kind of like the muse, you give me good advice but i ignore it and i pay
Tex (2:48:56 PM): metaphorically die
Tex (2:49:01 PM): stay married in this case
Tex (2:49:45 PM): if we change it to where i've already been divorced three times then my exes could be the 3 witches from hamlet
Smurftastic (3:00:17 PM): bridget divorces you after catching you in bed w/ gisele
Smurftastic (3:00:30 PM): w/ a comical throwing hands up and saying "oh god not again"
Tex (2:50:35 PM): then one of those "wah wah wah" sound effects
Smurftastic (3:04:08 PM): clearly, lots of sound effects are needed in this movie
Tex (2:54:32 PM): and that effect what the camera zooms in on someone and the background falls back
Smurftastic (3:05:10 PM): in the bedroom, during gisele acts of indiscretion
Smurftastic (3:08:05 PM): what about artists/songs who should be on the soundtrack?
Smurftastic (3:08:17 PM): the dan band, of course
Tex (2:58:49 PM): i'd want some texas country in there
Tex (2:59:06 PM): and flogging molly for the obligatory 3rd bachelor party scene where i'm getting fucked up with all the guys
Smurftastic (3:09:26 PM): clearly
Tex (2:59:29 PM): and they keep making fun of me that my bachelor party is pretty much a yearly occasion
Smurftastic (3:12:01 PM): who is your best man played by?
Tex (3:02:01 PM): the guy from knocked up?
Smurftastic (3:12:25 PM): EXCELLENT
Smurftastic (3:12:54 PM): my very harried but head over heels in love with me assistant will be played by John Kraszinski
Smurftastic (3:13:06 PM): and we will wind up together in the end
Smurftastic (3:13:12 PM): having hooked up at your divorce party
Smurftastic (3:13:28 PM): but we will be so in love, that we won't need a divorce planner
Tex (3:03:18 PM): haha, from the death of my marriage springs the life of your marriage
Smurftastic (3:13:44 PM): so it's a happy ending for the supporting cast
Smurftastic (3:13:47 PM): but not for the star
Smurftastic (3:15:42 PM): i feel like you need to have humorous parents
Tex (3:05:37 PM): oh yeah, drunk as shit too
Tex (3:05:43 PM): perpetually shitfaced
Tex (3:06:59 PM): played by liam nieson and ...
Tex (3:07:04 PM): i think liam could do comedy
Tex (3:07:21 PM): who's a good old irish actress?
Smurftastic (3:19:19 PM): um the website i found says mary tyler moore is irish
Tex (3:10:42 PM): nope, denis leary is my father
Tex (3:11:28 PM): i can't pick my own movie mom, i trust you
Smurftastic (3:22:17 PM): i wish maureen o'hara was still alive
Smurftastic (3:22:19 PM): i love her
Smurftastic (3:22:44 PM): OH i figured out the reason why I was your first divorce
Tex (3:13:07 PM): my parents loved you more because you could booze up to their standards?
Smurftastic (3:23:26 PM): you found out i was scottish'
Tex (3:13:18 PM): same thing
Smurftastic (3:23:44 PM): haha - maureen ohara is still alive
Smurftastic (3:24:47 PM): grandma ohara
Smurftastic (3:24:51 PM): drunken senile grandma
Smurftastic (3:25:39 PM): you have no mom
Smurftastic (3:25:44 PM): she left when you were a baby
Smurftastic (3:25:50 PM): setting you up for relationship failure
Smurftastic (3:26:04 PM): she was a stripper
Tex (3:23:26 PM): i bet we could get powers whiskey to pay a lot of cash for product placement
Tex (3:23:36 PM): and marlboro
Smurftastic (3:33:58 PM): what about jamesons?
Smurftastic (3:34:09 PM): perhaps your bachelor party should be at the guinness brewery
Smurftastic (3:34:21 PM): to visit grandma, cause she lives there
Tex (3:24:14 PM): turn the top bar into a strip club
Tex (3:30:39 PM): start thinking about how we'll do the opening credits
Tex (3:30:54 PM): i'm thinking me narrating my previous 2 divorces
Smurftastic (3:41:30 PM): start w/ teh second one - and then as you talk about the first, camera zooms in on me at work
Smurftastic (3:41:48 PM): but your narration will be accompanied by black and white pictures detailing the event

Seriously, who WOULDN'T go see this movie?