Why Smurftastic hates America...

So every now and then, something completely ridiculous will happen, prompting me to declare... "I hate everyone." Sometimes, "everyone" includes merely America. Here are some of those things that have made me declare it.

Reasons why I hate America…

1) Paul Blart: Mall Cop, was the #1 movie in America for two weeks in a row.
2) Beverly Hills Chihuahua was the #1 movie in America for more than one week.

People can be heard to complain that “Hollywood assumes the average American is stupid”… you know why? BECAUSE YOU SEE CRAP LIKE THIS IN THE THEATERS. It’s Oscar season… and while I know that many may not want to see every single Oscar nominated pic… (I for example could not give a crap about Slumdog Millionaire… FYI there will likely be a pre-Oscar blog coming shortly)… but the fact is… there is smart work out there. Smart work that is not about a mall cop, or talking dogs. Or dogs in a hotel for that matter. If you keep buying it, the studios will keep making it. It’s that simple.

3) The litigiousness

You spill hot coffee on yourself, and get a million dollars? Really? I say you get what you deserve. Natural selection is a powerful thing. We should not be rewarding morons.

4) The cancellation of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

Easily one of the most intelligent TV shows to ever be on TV. Everyone who I’ve shown it to really liked it. No one watched it when it was on. You know why? “It’s too smart.” Smart TV shows get no ratings (Eg Mad Men) and crap like Two and a Half Men & According to Jim gets the highest ratings. Way to go America, I hate you.

5) Dogs can’t go everywhere.

My friend SadieBean has an adorable dog. I was asking for suggestions for reasons why people may hate America and she suggested this. As someone who doesn’t have a dog right now, I can’t empathize, but I do agree. Dogs are awesome. When we were in Europe, people brought their dogs EVERYWHERE… including to outdoor beer gardens (please see my previous summer abroad blogs if you care that much). As long as I don’t step on their poo, and they don’t slobber on me, I say more dogs. My boss brings his dogs to work, and it’s awesome. Doesn’t hurt anyone. Bonus = if they hump someone’s leg and I can laugh at them.

6) Over babying children

Kids these days are WAY too coddled. Also they have ridiculous names (eg Bronx Mowgli). Parents get all oversensitive about what their kids are exposed to, and try to get shows taken off the air, and music off the radio, when the simple answer is… BE A PARENT. If your kid is watching Britney Spears dance around in next to nothing, either be aware enough of what they are doing to turn it off, limit their TV watching, or sit down with them and explain why Britney may be doing that, but perhaps your 12 year old daughter shouldn’t. The government of this country should not be responsible for raising your children. They have enough to do. And if you don’t raise your kids, they become a burden to society. A burden to society with a ridiculous name. Way to go, parents. Babies aren’t pets. You have to raise them. You know what doesn’t raise them? TVs. Or video games. If you want to spawn, take on the responsibility. Or get a nanny. Otherwise don’t procreate.

7) Lack of self responsibility

Are you fat? Don’t worry, in America it’s not your fault. It’s the restaurants. Or the bad genes. Or the length of the work week so you don’t have time to work out. Because in America,, you can eat complete and utter garbage, and lots of it, and only move your body to pick up your remote, and when you weigh 600 lbs, we have to feel bad for you. Don’t get me wrong… if you have an actual problem, I feel bad for you. If you are lazy, you get no pity. Get off your ass, or quit eating so GD much.


OK. So I realize that this turned into a super bitchy post. I usually don’t like to complain that much… it irritates me about people, and so I feel like a hypocrite. In response to that, I’d like to include a brief list of reasons why I love America.

1) State fairs

Fat people in inappropriately tight clothes? CHECK. White Trash bingo? CHECK (if you go with me). Lots and lots of mullets? CHECK. Rides? CHECK. Butter cow? In Illinois… CHECK. Delicious fried food? CHECK. Beer tents with 80s cover bands? CHECK. I needn’t say any more.

2) Teenagers doing stupid crap on video

I mentioned in the reasons I hate America a few things about natural selection. You know when natural selection is awesome? When some 15 year old asshole thinks it’s an awesome idea to jump off a roof on his skateboard. Or jump from a roof into a basketball hoop. Or from a roof to a trampoline. Pretty much when someone videotapes themselves or another person doing something completely idiotic and completely dangerous and then posts it on the internet, I love America. Great example of this idea (pre youtube) = AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS. Because people getting hurt is hilarious. Even more hilarious is people getting what they deserve. Freedom of action and freedom to post your stupid actions on the internet so that I might mock you is one of the main reasons I’m glad I live in America.

3) American football

Don’t get me wrong, I love soccer. DJ Vic hearts rugby. Aussie rules football is badass. But there’s just something about when the weather turns chilly on Saturday and Sundays in the fall. You are going to drink outside during the day and watch big dudes hit each other. LOVE IT. Also prop bets during the Super Bowl are amazing (mainly because I win them a lot).

4) Yankee Doodle Dandy

That’s pretty much a funny name. Thanks for the suggestion, SadieBean.

Do you have things about this country that frustrate you? Things you think are awesome? Bring them on in the comments.