Are Law Students' Lives Pathetic?

So to try and inform all of you what goes through a law student's mind in hour 6 of Day 5 straight in the library... an AIM convo excerpt.

DJvictoriousT: just printed out an old exam to practice some estate problems and her essay question uses "joey, justin and JC" and lance and britney.
blnd44illini: OH MY GOD
blnd44illini: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
blnd44illini: THAT IS AMAZING
blnd44illini: i probably would have peed my pants if i was in that class
DJvictoriousT: it would make my exam-taking more enjoyable
blnd44illini: what about chris???????
...insert sad face here...
DJvictoriousT: i think she got confused because there's no chris, but there is a howie
DJvictoriousT: they're pretty equivalent
blnd44illini: BLASPHEMY
blnd44illini: false
blnd44illini: chris is the equivalent of kevin
blnd44illini: joey and howie are similar
DJvictoriousT: okay
DJvictoriousT: agreed
blnd44illini: cept howie sucks fat cock

Anyway, probably you should feel bad for us. Speaking of Joey from NSYNC, Monday nights on ABC posting will be delayed till after our exam on Wednesday. God love full episodes online. Oh, and if you think this convo will affect the BBCS rankings, you would be correct. Nostalgia value, anyone?

NBA ?

In the process of working on a draft post, but before that.....I haven't had much time to follow this past NBA season, but can someone please tell me / explain to me when Kwame Brown decided to start playing basketball?
(Bitter? Not me)

And the Chicago Bears Select

I would like to take this time to point out that I heart ESPN's Draftcast. Just saying. It's pretty amazing. Also, some of the people who write in for the chat are idiots, and that is amusing. Anyway, back to the good stuff (commentary courtesy of Draftcast):

With the 31st pick the Bears take TE Greg Olsen. Excellent pick. The Bears have been looking for a TE that can stretch the field. The best throw that Grossman makes is the go-route down the middle of the field. He has excellent touch on that throw and Olsen can run the route to perfection. He is a pass-catching TE with great athletic ability. A lot of Grossman's bad decisions or holding onto the ball too long can be eliminated with this guy as his safety net and third down weapon.

YESSSSSSS! This means even greater encouragement for the throwgasm (special thanks to Kissing Suzy Kolber for injecting that phrase into my vocabulary - great blog... all NFL fans should check it out). Get excited for next season, Bears fans... and fans of watching me sit blacked out in front of the TV holding a plate of Polish Sausage while screaming THROWGASM any time Rex touches the ball as the SuperBowl starts to look officially hopeless. That's fun too. God polish sausage is delicious.

Draft day musings...

Despite some (admittedly, completely irrational) fears once the NFL got past the 15th pick and Brady Quinn wasn't picked yet, the Chicago Bears did NOT select him. Yes, Quinn was just picked by Cleveland at 22 (hahaha), so Sexy Rexy's job (and sexual orientation) are safe... For now... wonder if any more QBs are going in the first round...

Oh right, yeah I'm studying. ESPN Draftcast is just my new screensaver.

A Non-Shit-Talking Post

This post is in honor of the Dismemberment Plan reunion shows this weekend (would it really have been so difficult for them to add a NY show to their benefit line-up?) For your enjoyment - post-Plan Travis Morrison's acoustic rendition of Ludacris's "What's Your Fantasy".

BBCS... Bands by the NUMBERS

Ok, Have decided that each category mentioned previously can have a score up to 5. Bands will be ranked by total score. First up, The Bands With Numbers in Their Names. Damn, there are a lot of them.

2Gether
Check out their video!

Strength of schedule - 5: Came onto the scene with an MTV show mocking the big boybands of the late ‘90s, early ‘00s, so dealt w/ BSB, NSYNC, and all their followers
Overcoming adversity – 4 QT did suffer (and passed away from) a chronic disease, Chris Farley’s brother also had to overcome the fame and death of… Chris Farley
Album sales - 2 – 2 albums released before QT’s death. Single “The Hardest Part of Breaking Up (Is Getting Back Your Stuff)” reached 87 on the Billboard Hot 100
Tour/Merchandise 1 – opened for Britney Spears in 2000. No headlining
Artistic Performance 2– Not a whole lot of originality here, as they were a parody band; the intentional comedy was a welcome difference than the unintentional comedy of most Boy Bands
Alumni success 3 – Evan Farmer (Jerry) is now the host of “While You Were Out” on TLC; the other 3 living alumni do bit parts on crappy TV shows

the USA Today/Coaches Poll 3 – Smurftastic is a big fan, owns the first album; TV show/movie was good times was pretty funny
Miscellaneous 2 – humor of the songs are good times “Rub One Out” with the accompanying sound effects is worth a download
Post-success nostalgia 1 – this may just be Smurftastic and her friends from HS, but the first album is always good times to bust out at reunion parties

Total Score: 26

5ive

Strength of schedule 5 – Same as 2Gether; Hung out w/ NSYNC, BSB and the like
Overcoming adversity 0 – no well known adversity, other than being British,
Album sales 3 – according to Wikipedia, 20 million albums sold, but it was probably in Europe, not as cool. Sorry
Tour/Merchandise 1 – apparently 2 headlining Tours around UK and Europe AND got dropped from NSYNC’s Boys of Summer Tour because they wanted to lipsync. BOOO. Whatever, they were replaced w/the Sugar Hill Gang, and it was AWESOME
Artistic Performance 1 – Some of them had some CRAZY spiked hair, and if Smurftastic remembers accurately, one had it dyed like a soccer ball. EEW.
Alumni success 1 – 4 of the 5 band members reunited in 2006, so clearly, not much success
the USA Today/Coaches Poll 3 – Smurftastic, again, big fan… but only big enough to buy their first album from CDNOW.com for 67 cents. Oh and once watched the Disney Channel Special.
Miscellaneous 4 – “Slam Dunk Da Funk” deserves special praise. Became the theme song for the NBA in 1998, as well as featured on the Disney Channel Original Movie Smart House; In addition, Smurftastic has sneaking suspicion it was the inspiration for “That’s How I Beat Shaq” by Aaron Carter, however negative points for this little Wikipedia tidbit: “They then began filming the video for the debut single of the album, "Let's Dance" with only four of the five members after band member Sean fell ill with glandular fever and was replaced with a life-size cardboard cut-out.” AWESOME -1
Post-success nostalgia 3 – Not gonna lie, that CD can be busted out around kids my age, and is GREAT running music.

Total Score: 20

98 Degrees

Strength of schedule 5 – the 3rd most popular band in the land of NSYNC and BSB
Quick question… what the F is with all the bands w/ numbers in them that came out at the same time????
Overcoming adversity 2 – only 4 members instead of 5, less attractive than most boy bands (sorry Nick Lachey); also didn’t share the solos like they should have
Album sales 3 – sold 10 million albums by 2002, released 12 singles
Tour/Merchandise 2 – While Smurftastic never saw them in concert, they did come to the Illinois State Fair in Springfield once. That REALLY is the big time. Don’t sleep on 98 Degrees.
Artistic Performance 1 – sucky dancers, less flashy outfits, less entertaining
Alumni success 3 – Nick Lachey released 2 mediocre solo albums (negative points for the name of the first one, SoulO douchebag) and married/railed Jessica Simpson; put up w/ her for like 3 years, was the subject of a HILARIOUS SNL sketch, and now has moved in w/ Vanessa from MTV. His little bro was on Dancing with the Stars. Think he won, but not sure.
the USA Today/Coaches Poll 3
Miscellaneous 3 – sang a song w/ Stevie Wonder on the Mulan Soundtrack, but it wasn’t as good as Donny Osmond saying he’ll make a man out of us (see the Osmonds critique in a few); also had Screech and the Doritos chick star in a video
Post-success nostalgia 1 – hard to have post success nostalgia when the only semi-cute/talented member is still shoved in our face. Don’t really miss the other guys too much.

Total Score: 23

All 4 One

Strength of schedule 1 – Boys II Men, that’s about it… mid nineties was a dry time in Boy Band land
Overcoming adversity 2 -compared to Boys II Men a lot; apparently still together. Last album was an Asia only release. OUCH.; also, only 4 members
Album sales 3 – apparently the first two albums went high on Billboard charts. Whatever
Tour/Merchandise 0 – no idea. Don’t care
Artistic Performance 1 – nothing really worthwhile, just swaying back and forth in large mid nineties Button Down shirts.
Alumni success 0 – still together. OUCH again
the USA Today/Coaches Poll 0 – Smurftastic found that song “I Swear” (and the girls who were obsessed w/ it) pretty freaking annoying, and she has a pretty strong tolerance for HORRIBLE music
Miscellaneous 1 – Song still played at weddings (ew); Actually was a cover from an equally obnoxious country song
Post-success nostalgia 0 – I really don’t have anything here… not a huge fan, don’t really ever need to hear “I Swear” or “I Can Love you Like That” ever again

Total Score: 8

B2K

Strength of schedule 3 – came on right at the end of the NSYNC BSB era, had a pretty strong hold on the R&B crew
Overcoming adversity 1 – one of the guys is cousins with Roger from Sister Sister. Nuff said.
Album sales 2 – One platinum, one gold, and an album entitled “Santa Hooked Me Up” Kill yourselves. Now.
Tour/Merchandise 2 – headlined a tour w/ Roger and Nick Cannon, among others
Artistic Performance 1 - good dancing intensity, matching hugely baggy outfits
Alumni success 1 – Omarion might still be a big deal, don’t really know, also were in the movie “You Got Served”
the USA Today/Coaches Poll 1 – harsh, but Smurftastic never got on board, though DJ Victorious is apparently a HUGE fan of You Got Served
Miscellaneous 2 – Bump Bump Bump was an alright song for Pom Teams to sluttily dance to, however, negative points because Wikipedia says their website is: b2klovesyou.com. Again… kill yourselves; positive points for being associated w/ KFed before he hooked up w/ Britney (You Got Served)
Post-success nostalgia 0.5 – only cause the one dude reminds me of Sister Sister and that was a decent show.

Total Points: 13.5

Boyz II Men

Strength of schedule 2 – they were BY FAR the strongest of their time… I mean, All 4 One was their competition. Boo.
Overcoming adversity 2 – management issues (whatever); and snuck backstage at a Bel Biv DeVoe concert in Philly after they first formed (ew); originally started w/ 5 members, now down to 3.
Album sales 5 – according to Wikipedia, the best selling R&B group of all time, sold over 90 million albums and 50 million singles. SNAP!
Tour/Merchandise 4 – Opened for Hammer’s 2 Legit to Quit Tour (BONUS), otherwise probably really successful
Artistic Performance 3 – sappy songs always get the girls’ hearts, but Smurftastic needs to see more in a video than flowy early 90s shirts and newsboy caps
Alumni success 2 – still together, last album released exclusively online on Valentine’s day.
the USA Today/Coaches Poll 4 – can’t get enough of the II album (which I used to own on cassette tape!), and (although I judge myself) liked the Mariah Carey duet.
Miscellaneous 4 – “Motown Philly” featured on Full House as Stephanie Tanner’s dance recital music, when she wore a cap w/ mirrors and sequins an did the running man. Fantastic, but negative points for “I’ll Make Love to You.” Smurftastic does not enjoy the phrase 'making love;. It’s not a damn soap opera in the 1800s! Just call it 'boning' already.
Post-success nostalgia 4 – ever since I typed “Motown Philly” I’ve been singing that song in my head, and am now downloading it. Dammit Boyz II Men and your hold on me!!

Total Score: 30

The Jackson Five

Strength of schedule 4 – 1968-1975 (actually 1990 according to Wikipedia, but that doesn’t count); great time for all music, Motown was at its strength, also similar in time to the Osmonds and other big family bands
Overcoming adversity 5 – Father was CRAZY (if you didn’t’ see the VH1 movie… that shit was OUT OF CONTROL); from Gary Indiana; once met a group of guys dressed like Pimps on the PATH train who said they were going to be on Joe Jackson's reality show... good lord I hope that never happens; oh and a little thing called MICHAEL JACKSON WAS IN THE BAND… that’s some adversity if I ever saw any
Album sales 5 – 10 albums before 1975, 6 after that, countless singles and greatest hits albums; 4 #1 singles
Tour/Merchandise 4 – Rolling Stone described their 1981 tour as one of the best 25 tours between 1967 and 1987. Intersting; Had their own magazine and tons of merchandise aimed at kids.
Artistic Performance 4 – sparkly costumes, afros, and group bouncing and spinning. Don’t’ forget the bellbottoms
Alumni success 4 – Would be a 5 for Michael Jackson, but Michael also cost them half a point for being weird, also don’t forget Tito and Jermaine. Ew.
the USA Today/Coaches Poll 5 – Smurftastic HEARTS the Jackson 5
Miscellaneous 3 – had a Saturday morning cartoon… YES; also allowed Janet Jackson to sing with them sometimes before she turned uberslutty
Post-success nostalgia 4 – Jackson 5 songs add a sense of nostalgia to any good movie, just look at Now and Then… I love that movie. Also, on one tour, NSYNC did a music decades thing, and the Jackson 5 was the 70s representatives. Good times.

Total Score: 38

It's a DJ Victorious Throwback Jam!

Finally, it's spring again. Nothing fuels my spring fever more than Biz Markie in a golf cart.

p.s. Sorry about the weak video link. Teaching myself html is slow going.

Biz Markie Videos | Music Video Codes | Seattle MLS

BBCS Field of 30!

The following boy(ish) bands will be considered in the BBCS (Boy Band Championship Series):

2Gether
5ive
98 Degrees
All 4 One
B2K
Backstreet Boys
BBMak
The Beatles
Boys II Men
Boyzone
Color Me Badd
Dreamstreet
Hanson
The Jackson Five
LFO
Menudo
The Moffats
Monkees
NKOTB
NSYNC

New Edition

Next
O-town
The Osmonds
SoulDecision
Youngstown
Village People
Take That
The Temptations
Wham!

Results will be posted over the next few weeks, with final rankings to come out following individual analysis. Basically, this will be Smurftastic's finals distraction. Weigh in w/ comments if you see fit. Special thanks to Wikipedia's list of boy bands to help jog my memory.

P.C.D. Finale

I was planning on a full post/re-cap of "The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll" Season Finale. But in true DJ Victorious fashion I passed out on the couch at 8:30 and the next time I opened my eyes I was truly startled to see that *spoiler alert* ....................Asia had been crowned the next PCD!

Really? Asia of the annoying microphone finger flutter and body of a 13-year-old athletic boy + fake boobs? I'm not convinced. Maybe I have to the see the rest of the episode to understand.

Actually, I'm not even sure I need to see the rest of the episode because the final 2 minutes provided one of the best reality television quotes I've heard in awhile. Asia is overwhelmed by the moment and can't wait to see her mom, and she can't wait to see her daughter and to tell her daughter that "her mom's a ...[brief pause/hesitation]... her mom's a performer,...an entertainer!"

No Asia, Jr., your mother is now a PUSSYCAT DOLL. Good luck on the playground kid.

The closing sequence is of Asia dancing and "singing" on stage with the Original Dolls to their hit song "Don't Cha". Two things come to mind: 1) I'm still pissed at Cee-Lo for torturing the world with this track and creating another one of his superhuman beats; and 2) I don't think they ever told us why we were searching for a Pussycat Doll in the first place.

Does anyone know why the world needed ONE more P.C.D.? My guesses. The 7th PCD was necessary in order to achieve the perfect harmony/melody combination through which to expertly exercise mind-control over the radio-listening community. Or, more likely, one of the Original Dolls is pregnant with Robin Antin's child and they needed to "take care of her" while milking the most economic value out of the situation.

Maybe I'll get around to watching the whole episode later. Back to my nap....

Bachelor LIVE aim chat - April 23

Yes, Smurftastic blatantly stole this idea from Kissing Suzy Kolber... but they are much funnier than us... kissmesuzy.blogspot.com SO ENJOY!!

Chris Harrison previews the episode:

blnd44illini (9:31:20 PM): humanitarian... and D bag... and he's looking for love
DJvictoriousT (9:31:51 PM): tessa!
DJvictoriousT (9:32:38 PM): please - the most spectacular date in Bachelor history?
blnd44illini (9:33:21 PM): they are going to run out of spectacular dates; one time they should just send them to a movie and the other group like to Paris and see what the movie bitches think

Our Bachelor drives up in his $500,000 car to pick up the ladies to go to Tahoe for the weekend:

DJvictoriousT (9:34:53 PM): oh the car
DJvictoriousT (9:34:57 PM): douchebag
blnd44illini (9:36:14 PM): he's sending them back to the future
DJvictoriousT (9:36:17 PM): dancing like liquid in the limo!

Time to get ready for the first date. Bevin starts to cry because she feels like she is missing out since she hurt her ankle during boot camp last week. Makes all the others late for their date because they’re helping her get ready.

DJvictoriousT (9:40:34 PM): i thought they said no date box
DJvictoriousT (9:40:36 PM): liars
blnd44illini (9:40:41 PM): no date box in LA
(would like to interject here about the semi dirty connotations of the word “date box”)
blnd44illini (9:40:48 PM): chris is a lying sack of shit…and he needs more to do
blnd44illini (9:41:22 PM): well you aren't going to get ready any faster if you make your eyes swell up... dumb whore
DJvictoriousT (9:41:26 PM): it is SO HARD to be given an all expensives paid trip to Tahoe
blnd44illini (9:41:33 PM): god crutches
blnd44illini (9:41:38 PM): has heather mills taught us nothing?
blnd44illini (9:42:29 PM): if i was doing her makeup i would have given her raccoon eyes

During date, Andy strikes up a conversation about the most romantic locations in the world, some ridiculous answers, then Bevin starts to be whiny to get alone time w/ Andy and the other girls get jealous

blnd44illini (9:42:53 PM): CABO?
DJvictoriousT (9:43:05 PM): she must have watched Laguna
blnd44illini (9:43:04 PM): Romantic if you are topless and wasted on spring break
blnd44illini (9:43:16 PM): she left the brace
blnd44illini (9:43:20 PM): whore
DJvictoriousT (9:43:24 PM): This is a pathetic move for Andy-time
blnd44illini (9:43:51 PM): she shouldn't feel insecure for not being able to do fun things
blnd44illini (9:44:02 PM): she should feel insecure because she's not 28, she's actually 40
DJvictoriousT (9:45:16 PM): electricity? Andy - sorry line
blnd44illini (9:46:29 PM): i think Andy just made out w/ his mom
DJvictoriousT (9:47:08 PM): that shot of the woman reinforced the information i got that they do their own "styling"

Regarding our overall opinions of the Bachelor:
DJvictoriousT (9:42:24 PM): God. He is so...simple - Special thanks to DJ Victorious' neighbor for that one...
blnd44illini (9:52:23 PM): he is less articulate that George W.

Later on at the casino…

DJvictoriousT (9:53:35 PM): Andy has a kind of creepy upper arm grab/rub
blnd44illini (9:53:48 PM): he's got some excellent makeout attempts when the girl doesn't want to
blnd44illini (9:53:55 PM): he should talk to schewe about the lean in
blnd44illini (9:54:00 PM): it could be very effective for him
DJvictoriousT (9:54:35 PM): danielle is making moves
DJvictoriousT (9:54:59 PM): she might be a drag queen
blnd44illini (9:55:15 PM): oh i see an adams apple when they makeout
DJvictoriousT (9:55:20 PM): whoa! danielle. strong move
blnd44illini (9:55:37 PM): she so far is setting the slutty bar for the evening

Andy picks Bevin for special alone time back in his suite. They have the “I’m such a nerd” talk that all attractive people have when they date on television. Lots of making out (gross cause she’s old) and a bit of straddling him. Walking back to the women’s suite, Andy tells her she is his sanctuary.

DJvictoriousT (10:02:42 PM): bevin. pathetic. moving to hawaii for a man who drives a Delorian
blnd44illini (10:02:54 PM): well she started dating when they were big
blnd44illini (10:02:59 PM): it makes her feel young
blnd44illini (10:11:01 PM): because of Andy, i have added a new item to the list of things men I date are not allowed to do
blnd44illini (10:11:20 PM): they may not call me "their sanctuary" when there is no chance of getting some
DJvictoriousT (10:13:54 PM): um. i'm bored. where's the alcohol? where' s the sex?

Second date: Andy rejects Fake Boobs for special alone time, even though its her birthday

blnd44illini (10:19:47 PM): i think Tina sold me a purse on Canal Street on Saturday
DJvictoriousT (10:21:48 PM): Tina's a contender and she's "doing a great job". A great job doing what?.....
DJvictoriousT (10:21:54 PM): What "job"?
blnd44illini (10:22:12 PM): oh YOU KNOW what job
DJvictoriousT (10:22:26 PM): No - maybe you should draw me a picture
DJvictoriousT (10:24:28 PM): Tina doesn't want to get involved in the drama. Tina also doesn't have any friends and sings the National Anthem to impress guys
blnd44illini (10:24:49 PM): well Andy doesn't understand drama and tears up when girls sing the national anthem
blnd44illini (10:25:04 PM): and drives a delorian to impress chicks

Time for the one on one date, with Amber (who kind of looks like a bug who tanned to much in the past week)

DJvictoriousT (10:30:20 PM): Fondue?
DJvictoriousT (10:30:57 PM): Andy's a slut. Kissing multiple girls?! Disgusting.
DJvictoriousT (10:31:04 PM): How dare he
blnd44illini (10:31:07 PM): the nerve
blnd44illini (10:31:09 PM): Jesus hates him
DJvictoriousT (10:32:40 PM): Cue the porn music
blnd44illini (10:33:05 PM): premarital sex is NOT what dating shows are about
DJvictoriousT (10:33:36 PM): Is he taking his bathing suit off?
blnd44illini (10:33:45 PM): not yet
DJvictoriousT (10:33:49 PM): Oh. no. just a rose.
DJvictoriousT (10:34:29 PM): Wait. Andy. Is that another rose udner the water?
blnd44illini (10:34:58 PM): why don't you dive down and check?

Quick break for one of the most disgusting commercials ever created…
blnd44illini (10:35:24 PM): INTRIGUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
blnd44illini (10:35:56 PM): KY, for the love of your life... or some dude you met on a dating show who railed your roommate last night. Whatever.

Time for the elimination cocktail party! Fake Boobs wearing a stripper dress, other chicks trying to win Andy’s heart. We are still not sure why he is worth it.

blnd44illini (10:48:24 PM): i'm a bit worried about Tessa's chances
DJvictoriousT (10:48:32 PM): me too
DJvictoriousT (10:48:36 PM): she's too cool for this
blnd44illini (10:49:01 PM): but doesn't he have to keep at least 1 sane person?
blnd44illini (10:49:04 PM): that should be in the contract
blnd44illini (10:51:10 PM): its times like this I miss the virgin with the overexcitable eyebrow raise

Tessa (preseason MVP) gets a rose, Fake Boobs does not.

DJvictoriousT (10:52:49 PM): Hooray!
blnd44illini (10:53:19 PM): danielle's new nickname - Adam's Apple
blnd44illini (10:53:56 PM): Tina's nickname = Bunny Face
blnd44illini (10:54:18 PM): she does a good "job"
blnd44illini (10:54:43 PM): difficult to see why... w/ those teeth
DJvictoriousT (10:57:36 PM): Tina's mouth looks a little small for her "job" performance to have gotten her a rose
blnd44illini (10:59:02 PM): this was a pretty boring episode
DJvictoriousT (10:59:13 PM): indeed
blnd44illini (10:59:31 PM): next week, someone better get knocked up
blnd44illini (10:59:42 PM): hopefully in the backseat of a delorian
DJvictoriousT (10:59:53 PM): we can only hope
DJvictoriousT (11:00:37 PM): i hope the inferno was good

OK so for the first bachelor live IM chat, the show wasn’t throwing us any bones and having something entertaining happening. We’ll try again next week.

Monday nights on ABC

So last week on the bachelor, one of Smurftastic's preseason MVP's was sent home when they were both sent on the same date where one had to go home. Sorority chick Peyton gets the boot, but only after proving how annoying her accent is. GO TESSA! After boot camp, old lady Bevin injures herself and gets a rose for being a whiner. Garbage. This week, Dr. DBag and the ladies go to Tahoe for the "cattiest Bachelor in the show's history." Check out DJ Victorious and Smurftastics IM record from the show.

Dancing with the Stars brief thoughts:
Celebrities spotted in the audience this week: Andrea from 90210, JC Chasez, and George Wendt
Worst performances: Heather Mills, Billy Ray Cyrus, Cliff from Cheers
Stolen our Hearts (well he already had Smurftastics, but whatever): Joey Fatone
Crossing our fingers that they'll cameo at the finals: Justin Timberlake, Ted Danson
Other thoughts: Questioning the nationality of Judge Bruno. No question about his sexuality tho. Ian Ziering has a tight ass (according to DJ Victorious, who also wants to borrow the dancing tiger costume for DJing) and Billy Ray may have highlighted his hair since the last episode. Keep your eyes peeled for some excellent dancing with the stars.

It's the BBCS!!!! - preseason evaluations

Well it is almost time for the ultimate drought of Smurftastic's sports. College basketball and football are done, baseball is not fun unless I am blacked out at a game getting a tan and heckling people, NBA basketball is ehhh if it happens to be on when I'm out somewhere and an IL alum is playing, and hockey is in the playoffs (almost over and no Leafs... shit), and soccer is closing up shop soon as well. So I am creating a new championship. The BBCS. That's right. The BOY BAND CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES. A methodical and fair (????? - well just as fair as the BCS... so not too much at all?????) rankings of boy bands over time. Haven't completely worked out all of the details of how they will be ranked, but things included will be:

• Strength of schedule (eg - other boy bands on the market at the same time)
• Overcoming adversity (eg - backlash, gay rumors, creepy managers)
• Album sales
• Tour/Merchandise
• Artistic Performance (going beyond the music: props, choreography, videos and the like)
• Alumni success
• the USA Today/Coaches Poll - aka personal choices of Smurftastic (a self professed boy band expert) and DJ Victorious (resident music expert)
• Miscellaneous
• Post-success nostalgia

As of now, the Smurftastic preseason TOP 5 of the BBCS is:
1.) NSYNC
2.) The Monkees
3.) New Kids on the Block
4.) The Jackson 5
5.) Boyz II Men


Weigh in w/ your opinions in the comments, reader preference may become a factor (unless you all have horrible Boy Band taste, again to be determined by Smurftastic)


While you are pondering, think about the greatest boy band mockery of all time... if you haven't seen it, I have it on VHS, really... check it out. really. NSYNC as musical guest w/ Joshua Jackson as host... NSYNC appearing in multiple skits, most notably, this one... "Why don't you drive through my heart, can I take your order...." CLASSIC.

Sexy Weather.

Saturday night and the weather was pret-ty "sexy" (ah - the birth of a new Chip-ism, using "sexy" to modify "the weather". For those readers who aren't acquainted with the great Duffman, you probably have in your vocabulary at least a few Chip-isms that have infested popular culture. While currently out of rotation, urban legend has it that he is the origin of the inexplicable use of the phrase "da (a/k/a "the") bomb" and I am relatively certain that kids in middle America are now telling their friends how "zeused" they got last night.) But enough about the weather....

Took the virgin voyage of a Saturday night PATH ride to Newark. Usually I'm headed in the other direction and for good reason. At the Square I get the obligatory freak (complete with facial tattoo - Bonus!) squeezing into the seat next to me and immediately striking up a "conversation". He mentions how great the weather is. Yep. Pretty sexy - kind of like the white, wide-legged cropped pants he's rocking - an obviously psychotic fashion choice.

...And I'm having the "weather conversation" with the freak on the PATH train. Just adding some self-esteem lowering action to my Saturday night PATH train ride. Alone. As if not already painfully apparent, law school has rendered me completely incapable of carrying on a normal conversation in virtually an social setting including this uninvited one on public transportation. If the other person isn't using words like "affirmative" or "antithetical" I can't comprehend - and I'm not 100% sure I even know how to correctly use the words "affirmative" or "antithetical" in ANY sentence. Great.

Arrive in Newark. Freak #1 is harmless and seems to accept my answer that I have a "man". Which isn't a complete lie, because I AM headed to Brendan's birthday party and he is "someone special". Then, as I'm exiting the train, Freak #2 magically appears to welcome me to Newark. He wants to know my name and where I'm going. How considerate. The Newark Chamber of Commerce must really want me to get an "authentic" taste of what this city is all about, because Freak #2 proceeds to scare the shit out of me by following me through Penn Station and out the door. I pull a few ninja moves and manage to lose him, which is a challenge since I'm wearing 5 lbs. worth of bangle bracelets on my left arm. It's not easy being fashion-forward AND a skilled ninja.

Walk down Ferry Street to the bar. Again, this is my first Saturday night foray to the inner depths of Newark. I'm comforted by the Reggaeton soundtrack being provided for my walk by the passing cars. Reminds me of home. Shout out to the JC.

Survey says that Walgreen's is the-place-to-be. It's packed and folks are so anxious to get into the parking lot I'm almost run over - twice. There might be valet parking. I march on, undeterred by the temptation of the most popular Walgreen's on the planet.

Time to party. Or not. Because I arrive during the awkward post-dinner, pre-debauchery fun of dividing the check. I sit in silence. I learn a new phrase. Sexy weather.

Head downstairs. Sit in a circle on small upholstered cubes and woven baskets. I'm pretty sure this means the place is "hip". Freak #2 "The Newark Representative" did not tell me about this "hip"-ness. Thankfully I finally have alcohol in hand. Start to chat. About what?......law school. YES! Pretty sure it's indisputable, likely to lead to a conviction, evidence of brainwashing that I'm voluntarily talking about buying business suits on a Saturday night. I'm pretty sure this is against my religion.

Speaking of religion, the topic of conversation nicely segues to talk of tattoos. The sexy weather influenced my outfit and the crane/Star Wars/Wu-Tang tattoo on my shoulder is exposed. I learn I'm going to Hell for inking my body. I don't take it personally. If it wasn't the tattoos sending me to Hades I'm sure the nipple ring (and all the implications of why one would want a nipple ring in the first place) would secure my place in the fiery pits. That's okay. I'm sure the weather in Hell is REALLY sexy.

We pass around Skolnick's watch. This is actually fun. Skolnick has a REALLY big watch. You know what they say about guy's with big watches....And it's solar-powered. Sexy. Weather.

Zucker materializes (apparently he was at an NBA playoff game. Bastard.) Zucker IS "The Nicest Guy You Know". He immediately asks me if I know who Fabolous is - accurately enunciating the "o" so as not to be confused with someone merely fab-u-lous. I assume he's speaking of the Fabolous who spits lyrics such as:
I done copped coke and started droughts before
Shit Platinum out the door
Now I drop the top down just to shout to hoes

Zucker, (a) do you know who you're talking to? (the correct answer is "DJ Victorious!"), and (b) have you been drinking Sparks again?

I soon learn that Zucker is pretty much BFF with the man who likes to "keep a chick's face between limbs" and there are photos to prove it. Zucker also claims to be tight with Ne-Yo but this shot is not so up-close-and-personal so I retain a bit of skepticism.

These pictures lead me to only one conclusion: Zucker is moonlighting as a paparazzo covering the East Coast hip-hop beat. Which leads to a second conclusion: God (and by God, I mean the one that hasn't eternally damned me for having tattoos and body piercings) is telling me to follow my dream of "dancing" in a rap video and Zucker is my "in". Therefore, I am currently seeking volunteers to make it rain like Pacman while I practice for my audition. Shower of dollar bills - now that's what I call sexy weather.

The sexy weather seems to have gotten to Chip and he's making out at the bar. Wait. No. Change in weather alone can't explain the phenomenon of the year-round, knows no seasons, Chip bar make-out. Maybe the weather in Chip's world is sexy all the time. Kind of like how they say it's always sunny in California. "Californiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaa....."

And it's time to go home. But not before Chip tackles Tessa through the glass front door of the bar. There's no blood, but the two men competing for the title of the poor-man's Tony Soprano who are guarding the door of the bar send a silent threat our way (most likely symbolic conduct that would be protected under the 1st Amendment - see, it's compulsive. I hate myself).

Alas, the night just wasn't the same without Smurftastic. I guarantee the "social" posts will be more entertaining with her contribution and when Schewe hasn't been drinking water all night. Stay tuned.

Words of Wisdom

If a stranger, whose major fashion accessory is a toothpick, challenges you to a game of darts, DO NOT play for money.

Threesome Play-by-Play

Abby and I are at McGovern's. Thursday. 11:26 p.m. Imminent threesome at table by door. Girl with no shoes: clearly a poor life choice at McGovern's. For any man out there - the WORST possible threesome you could imagine. The girls aren't that ugly. They're ugly-ish. Smurftastic has bigger boobs than anyone involved.
"15 sheets to the wind" moves in on the girl on the barstool (who has a boyfriend). She is making face-sucking, Kamikazi dives at "taken," and being blocked with quick and controlled facial turns. She's now on the table, spread like a Gaia giving birth to twins, and Dorothy (wearing red shoes with a black and white outfit - ouch) is either (a) trying to violently hold the skirt down or (b) trying to give her the fastest orgasm of her entire life by death gripping the crotch. She moves in on "closest man," for the most violent kiss the whole world has seen. Faces crushing, body parts meld together, he struggles to separate. Eventually this leads to him FORCING his hand in between their lips and turning (despite her pushing his face back with power). She is repelled; but "closest man" is not willing to give up the chance to score a threesome with "15 sheets to the wind" and "Dorothy (who is already down - where the fuck is toto).
She is dragged to the bathroom by "friends," and Dorothy. "15 sheets" is currently refusing to vomit whilst she is in the bathroom. She, after having let another chick and a random dude feel her in the vagina, feels that vomiting in the bathroom would be bad publicity. Good intensity. slut.
McGovern's, reeeaaaalllly, you have to pay for this??

It's a DJ Victorious Throwback Jam!

The partial-birth video vixen clip. This song takes me back to junior high, when my basketball coach would play his favorite songs while we ran suicides. Coincidentally, this is the prepubescent version of current hip-hop. The unnecessarily over-sized boombox says PG, while the small bathing suits say PG-13.

Bad Idea Jeans

Ok, I'm pretty new to this whole blogger thing, but in my review of the CMT (yes, CMT... suck it you country-hating Jerseyites) awards, I became more aware of a recurring trend of angry scorned lover songs (and equally frightening/creepy videos in most cases). Hence... my first legit post: TOP 5 MODERN MUSICIANS IT IS A HORRIBLE IDEA TO CHEAT ON.

5.) Beyonce. Beyonce snags the bottom spot on this little countdown, because while she asserts her womanlyness, independence, and all that other girl poweryness crap (in a move totally unlike her), she in no way promises physical or property damages. In this case, if I were in the position of the dude who had to move all his stuff "To the left, to the left," I would probably want to kill myself. Nevertheless, I feel that violence is really the way to discourage cheaters, if for entertainment value alone. In this empowering (?) song, Beyonce merely points out that she can replace this guy in a minute. While in the case of Beyonce, such assertions probably mean that guys just fall all over her because of the prettiness, dance moves and loads of cash, for most average chicks, this signifies one of three things: (a) she has drastically lowered her standards and/or gotten drunk, (b) she is kind of a whore, or (c) she drastically lowered her standards when dating the first guy, and replace him with another subpar gent (who will probably also cheat on her, because if we learn nothing from shows like Jerry Springer, ugly people LOVE to screw around on each other). In sum, bad idea to cheat on a chick who will make you feel bad about yourself (as we ladies know how to do pretty well) but, remember, you won't feel so bad when you see her whoring herself out to the next guy who says something nice to her when she's blacked out.

4.) Miranda Lambert. Country because hicks make the best revenge songs (Dont' even try to argue otherwise... you are wrong). This song (Kerosene) is kind of old compared to the others, but it involves setting things on fire. Everyone likes a good fire. Roasting marshmallows is pretty fun. Roasting marshmallows while watching your cheating ex squeal in pain is even more fun, as Miranda teaches us. Also the young innocent appearance of our hero creates an interesting dichotomy between adorable chubby cheeked country singer and complete psycho. Don't judge a book by its cover. Also, she apparently has another song entitled "Crazy Ex Girlfriend." No shit.

3.) Nicole Kidman. Right, I know she doesn't have an album out at all, and her only singing experience is on Moulin Rouge, Happy Feet and that song with Robbie Williams (don't even ask me what that was... I feel horrible enough remembering that it even existed). Nevertheless, she is newly married to Keith Urban (another country singer... sue me), and his latest song is entitled "Stupid Boy." I am 98.5% sure that this song was written about Tom Cruise attempting to inflict his craziness upon Nicole during their marriage. It is possible that he cheated on her with Penelope Cruz during the filming of Vanilla Sky, leading to the break up of their marriage, thus allowing her indirect entry onto this countdown...(do NOT get me started on the Cruz-Cruise phenomenon of a few years ago, in my opinion infinitely more obnoxious than Bennifer). Anyway, its got to be a bad thing when your ex starts dating someone less crazy than you and then he writes an extremely successful/awesome song about it whilst the rest of the world begins to turn on you. Even harsher, Keith just got out of his second(?) stint in rehab and is a country singer (thus turning pretty much everyone in this region of the country against him), and he's still much more likeable than Tom could ever be. Although this song/video doesn't involve injuring personal property or killing/maiming people (admittedly important throughout this ranking), extra points for kicking Cruise when he's down. Damage to public persona for the person deemed to be the "Messiah" of the Scientology faith is always an AWESOME idea. So, don't cheat on/try to convert/divorce Nicole, because like Beyonce and other above-average women, they will replace you immediately. With someone who has an adorable accent. And that person will write a great song that can be attributed by casual observers who just want to see it (read... me or other people who just enjoy the song) to be about you. Stupid Boy.

2.) Justin Timberlake. Wow, Justin. We get it. Girls have screwed you over. While nothing could ever compare to the anti Britney anthem of his first album, this video alone is pretty intense. At first, "What Goes Around" seems only slightly more threatening than good old Beyonce explaining how she is Irreplaceable. What goes around comes around is something you say when your life is sucking, and there is no way you think the cheater's life is as bad. Then you sit back and wallow in the suckiness and hope that at some point, your life is better than your ex's. Pretty doormat-like, if you ask me. I mean get up and do something if you want to get even, and/or warn other possible cheaters against screwing you over or else it will all happen again. BUT, once you see the video... wow. I will never (as if I ever would have before) consider cheating on Justin Timberlake. For God's sake... **SPOILER ALERT** Scarlett (The Harlet) Johansson only kisses his best friend and he pretty much kills her. Wow. Killing someone for just a kiss is pretty extreme, and would normally warrant a #1 ranking in my book, but I feel that the surprise factor is gone after we knew he was capable of a great big FUCK YOU to the ex after "Cry Me a River". For history and homicidal tendencies alone, it would be in anyone's best interests to not cheat on Justin Timberlake. Extra points go here for kicking when down (see Nicole Kidman #3) if this song is also about Britney, cause she is WAY farther down that Tom Cruise right now. Literally. On that guy from rehab (yeah apparently its Howie Day... ew). Wow... that was inappropriate.

1.) Carrie Underwood. Yes, that's right. A country singer at #1. Sorry, but no one knows how to get back at cheaters like country singers. And Carrie really moved up on the badass scale with this song. And she had a lot of climbing to do after "Jesus take the Wheel" and the fact that she's from American Idol. I mean, clearly, a normal chick would get arrested for the shit she pulls in this song/video, but no one cares. I've never even been cheated on, and I find myself actually WANTING that to happen so I can tear the hell out of some redneck's truck. Also, her quip against chicks who drink girly drinks is always a good time. Nothing angers a girl who can pound beer and real hard liquor with the best of them than a girl who drinks vagina drinks (yes, this includes vodka-water-limes) on a regular basis who gets hit on by the guys you are friends with. To be fair, this song probably is guilty of ranking inflation simply because the previous 2 songs of hers were sappy and involved family and religion. Whatever, the surprise factor pushed her up over the JT killing spree. In short, if a country boy or other type who loves his car (or other easily vandalized possession) cheats on you, Carrie Underwood will teach you how to handle it. And the way to handle it is to fuck his shit up and teach him a lesson.

Honorable Mention: Frankie J (per the request of DJ Victorious) - I would have added this song, but I don't know enough about it to rant. Suggestions are welcome in the comments!

Preview of what's to come!!!

Just a preview:

1.) Steve Sanders (aka Ian Ziering) on Dancing w/ the Stars has been asked to do playgirl. Although we all thought he was kind of hot in those tight outfits dancing like an ass... will we ever be able to watch him shake it w/out throwing up in our mouths, even more than we were for judging ourselves for watching Dancing w/ the Stars in the first place??? Your thoughts....
I would purchase the Steve Standers issue of Playgirl given two things: 1. In at least one picture he is wearing the Donna Martin mermaid halloween costume, and 2. In at least one picture he is posing with the transvestite he almost poked during the trip with Brandon to Palm Springs.

2.) Also, Jael from America's Next Top Model... the bastard child of a three way between Courtney Love, Bjork, and Bobby Brown, or just fugly and cracked out???? your thoughts....
I'm pretty sure Jael mentioned that she had a Jewish mother, so I'd throw in a little Lisa Loeb action as well. I'm sure there was enough of Bobby to go around.

3) Alton from the Inferno. Man or machine? Discuss.