Bachelor Blog - GROUP DATES !!!!!

My apologies for the late post. Promise tonight's episode will be more timely. Here are the goods:

The mating season is under way and the ladies have gathered to await news of their first group dates with Matt. Chris Harrison makes his grand entrance to tell the ladies where they’ll be getting drunk and cat-fighting over Matt.

Jeflow1 (10:11:52 PM): chris looks skinny
DJvictoriousT (10:11:53 PM): Chris is looking a little thin
Jeflow1 (10:11:55 PM): Herion
DJvictoriousT (10:11:59 PM): absolutely

The camera pans around circle of over-eager women. All three bloggers have commented on this season’s contestants being particularly unattractive and, sadly, also more forgettable.

DJvictoriousT (10:12:20 PM): no way am i going to remember these chicks' names
blnd44illini (10:12:30 PM): I appreciate nicknames
blnd44illini (10:12:37 PM): particularly if derogatory
Jeflow1 (10:12:52 PM): flavor flav does it right

Finally, after a painful pretend fashion show that saw Matt looking far more fashionable than all of the women in a sporty purple sweater, the producers give us what we’ve been waiting…..total public humiliation on a national level. Crazy chick with the red hair from last week that whipped out a clarinet ala American Pie turns the desperation up a notch. Pulling Brad into a corner of the room, she starts singing a special song she wrote just for him. Right now you’re probably wondering, “so, how was it?” Our responses literally speak for themselves.

DJvictoriousT (10:15:58 PM): WHAT?!!!!!
blnd44illini (10:16:01 PM): OH GOD
blnd44illini (10:16:04 PM): OH GOD
blnd44illini (10:16:12 PM): SHE'S THE CHICK WHO PLAYED THE CLARINET IN THE FIRST EPISODE
Jeflow1 (10:16:13 PM): i don't feel her
DJvictoriousT (10:16:16 PM): remember a few seasons ago when that chick sang the national anthem
DJvictoriousT (10:16:21 PM): this is better
DJvictoriousT (10:16:28 PM): and by better i mean more pathetic
blnd44illini (10:17:38 PM): i was gonna support the redhead
blnd44illini (10:17:50 PM): just cause they are rare and very hip right now (ahem amy adams ahem)
blnd44illini (10:17:56 PM): but this chick sucks
Jeflow1 (10:21:29 PM): now he has to keep her one more cut
blnd44illini (10:21:40 PM): or else he's racist
blnd44illini (10:21:43 PM): which would be sad
blnd44illini (10:22:07 PM): her new name = ginger
DJvictoriousT (10:22:11 PM): is she for real?
blnd44illini (10:22:14 PM): and is she wearing fake eyelashes
DJvictoriousT (10:22:16 PM): please tell me this is a joke
blnd44illini (10:22:26 PM): i don't think it is
DJvictoriousT (10:22:29 PM): did someone put her up to this?
Jeflow1 (10:22:30 PM): last summer at band camp
blnd44illini (10:22:49 PM): wooooooooooooooow
blnd44illini (10:22:58 PM): did he look creeped out or intrigued?

The rotation of females continues. 22 year old Ashlee, the alleged “singer-songwriter” swoops in and makes STRONG moves. Working her strategy, or more like just pure slutty-ness, Ashlee leads Matt straight to the bedroom for some alone time.

blnd44illini (10:23:40 PM): bedroom... already?
Jeflow1 (10:23:47 PM): another singer
DJvictoriousT (10:23:54 PM): ashlee makes moves
blnd44illini (10:24:04 PM): i really dislike her

Pulling out what I can only believe is her go-to move, Ashlee tells Matt she has “been staring at [his] lips all night.” Subtle.

Jeflow1 (10:24:27 PM): hint hint
blnd44illini (10:24:30 PM): MOVES
blnd44illini (10:24:33 PM): WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
DJvictoriousT (10:24:42 PM): i should be taking notes
blnd44illini (10:24:44 PM): that was a solid move. I'm filing that away
blnd44illini (10:24:56 PM): cue everyone else to hate her
DJvictoriousT (10:24:59 PM): stong moves ashlee
DJvictoriousT (10:25:16 PM): that move was stronger than my move picking W. Kentucky last round
blnd44illini (10:25:33 PM): YOU PICKED THAT!?!?!? i hate you
Jeflow1 (10:25:34 PM): not quite that strong

Date #2 gets under way with the other half of the women. Matt arrives at the casino (they’re staying at the Paris in Vegas, Baby!) wearing……

DJvictoriousT (10:31:25 PM): leather blazer?
DJvictoriousT (10:31:31 PM): i bet chris picked out that outfit
blnd44illini (10:31:49 PM): if it were chris' pick, the bachelor would be wearing chaps
blnd44illini (10:32:48 PM): he makes hard moves
DJvictoriousT (10:40:50 PM): i bet at least one of those girls thinks she's actually in Paris
DJvictoriousT (10:40:52 PM): France
blnd44illini (10:41:16 PM): hahaha my vote is drunk in the white dress

Kelly pulls Matt aside – far enough away that no one can hear them, but everyone can see them. Jealousy ensues.

blnd44illini (10:34:19 PM): kelly is, well, she's drunk
Jeflow1 (10:34:32 PM): oh god
blnd44illini (10:34:34 PM): not christie from chicago drunk
DJvictoriousT (10:35:37 PM): all this time, i've been under the assumption that these girls came on the bachelor to find a husband. now i think that perhaps most of them are just there for the free alcohol

Shayne either a) has a nervous breakdown, or b) is tweaking, when she pulls Mat aside and starts crying about how hard it is for her to see him with other women. We are amazed how every season at least one girl seems to have missed the entire point of the television series, being that one made dates “25 beautiful women” in hopes of breaking multiple hearts along the way to C-list (D-list?) celebrity status.

Jeflow1 (10:35:44 PM): goodbye shayne
blnd44illini (10:35:53 PM): go cry to lorenzo
blnd44illini (10:36:03 PM): maybe she's gunning for an emmy to make daddy proud
DJvictoriousT (10:36:09 PM): does she realize shes;s on THE BACHELOR
Jeflow1 (10:45:41 PM): why are you there?
DJvictoriousT (10:45:49 PM): after one episode?
Jeflow1 (10:45:57 PM): did she just snort coke
DJvictoriousT (10:46:04 PM): probably
blnd44illini (10:46:17 PM): direct copy/paste from her daddy's IMDB site
blnd44illini (10:46:23 PM): Snake Eater III: His Law (1992) .... Jack Kelly/SnakeEater
blnd44illini (10:36:23 PM): HE HATES DRAMA
blnd44illini (10:36:27 PM): that's it we are getting married
blnd44illini (10:36:40 PM): screw these other hoes

Another chick serenades Matt.

blnd44illini (10:36:42 PM): WHATTTTTTTTTT
blnd44illini (10:36:46 PM): OH MY GOD WHY ALL THE SINGING
Jeflow1 (10:36:52 PM): where's p-diidy
Jeflow1 (10:37:03 PM): we have the making of a band

Some slightly more “mature” chick (read: old-er) tells Matt about how she likes being “independent,” but gets lonely sometimes

blnd44illini (10:41:52 PM): oh no... the I get lonely move doesn't seem to be a good one
blnd44illini (10:42:07 PM): but he's eating it up
DJvictoriousT (10:42:09 PM): the problem with the accent is that you can't tell if he's talking complete bull-shit or not
DJvictoriousT (10:42:13 PM): it all sounds legit
blnd44illini (10:42:29 PM): is he wearing leather pants or just black?
blnd44illini (10:42:34 PM): or dark jean?

With Matt gone, the girls are left to their own catty conversations and we survey the situation.

Jeflow1 (10:27:36 PM): any early winner predictions
DJvictoriousT (10:27:58 PM): ashlee is going to go total psycho one episode and ruin her chances
DJvictoriousT (10:28:11 PM): might involve a rabbit
DJvictoriousT (10:28:33 PM): neighbor ashley calls the first-impression-rose-winner as the overall winner
DJvictoriousT (10:28:39 PM): i obviously don't know her name
blnd44illini (10:30:39 PM): I picked her last week
blnd44illini (10:30:41 PM): i think it's amanda
blnd44illini (10:30:48 PM): she was wearing a navy dress
blnd44illini (10:30:55 PM): i also enjoy the brunette w/ the bob
blnd44illini (10:30:58 PM): i think she's robin
Jeflow1 (10:37:48 PM): the blond going to help shayne is my pick
Jeflow1 (10:37:57 PM): i think her name is amy
Jeflow1 (10:38:14 PM): she's the one that doesn't sing
DJvictoriousT (10:38:50 PM): i know who it's not going to be: shayne, redhead, hot dog vendor,.....
DJvictoriousT (10:42:57 PM): shayne is a stalker
DJvictoriousT (10:43:37 PM): the other one is old and sells hot dogs for a living
DJvictoriousT (10:44:07 PM): and might be wearing a sweat band with sparkles on it with her evening gown
Jeflow1 (10:44:12 PM): she knows her weiners
blnd44illini (10:44:59 PM): zing

The catty-ness and bizarre mating techniques cool down and we delve deeper into the judgment.

blnd44illini (10:49:25 PM): my roommate just told me that he thinks this bachelor is average looking at best
blnd44illini (10:50:16 PM): "he's weird looking" "he looks like a douche, first of all"
DJvictoriousT (10:50:27 PM): i agree with the douche part
blnd44illini (10:50:31 PM): WHAT
DJvictoriousT (10:50:32 PM): but that doesn't mean he's not hot
DJvictoriousT (10:51:04 PM): do you get the impression that some of these women are developing a bizarre accent....
blnd44illini (10:51:09 PM): yes
blnd44illini (10:51:13 PM): i do that too
Jeflow1 (10:51:33 PM): just because the brooklyn girl just said tally-ho
blnd44illini (10:51:38 PM): not after a week with one guy
blnd44illini (10:51:48 PM): but if i moved to london for a month
blnd44illini (10:51:55 PM): then i would talk weird
blnd44illini (10:52:19 PM): and try too hard

blnd44illini (10:50:52 PM): PRESEASON FAVORITE GETS A MAKEOUT

Marshana makes moves. Asks for a slow dance. There’s no music……

blnd44illini (10:52:50 PM): did he kiss miss earth NY? i missed it
DJvictoriousT (10:53:02 PM): no kiss - too many people watching

BUT WAIT!!! THERE IS MUSIC!!!! Yet another love song, sung just for our British Bachelor.

Jeflow1 (10:53:07 PM): did someone just fart...or is that her normal face
DJvictoriousT (10:53:09 PM): hahahahahahahahaha
DJvictoriousT (10:53:23 PM): i have gained a new respect for the producers of the show
blnd44illini (10:53:25 PM): this is awkward
DJvictoriousT (10:53:34 PM): they knew what they were doing in the pre-show contestant interviews
blnd44illini (10:54:16 PM): so i will never be able to be on this show because i have no singing talent
blnd44illini (10:54:26 PM): does being able to sing expert on rock band count?
Jeflow1 (10:54:33 PM): the hiccup girl can be the beat box for the band
blnd44illini (10:55:42 PM): hiccup iswho ashley picked as the preseason #1

Just when things are starting to get fun (and more desperate) again, Chris arrives to a collective groan.

DJvictoriousT (10:56:24 PM): here comes chris to spoil the fun
Jeflow1 (10:56:25 PM): kill joy
DJvictoriousT (10:56:56 PM): another key production move....villainizing chris harrison
blnd44illini (10:57:28 PM): Chris Harrison appears: My roommate says: "I should be that guy and pick up all the leftoverse."
blnd44illini (10:59:48 PM): he also thinks the hiccups are cute
blnd44illini (10:59:54 PM): as do i, in a hetero way

It’s time for the roses to be awarded. The camera pans the anxious faces and the rejection-level rises.

DJvictoriousT (11:00:10 PM): busted face!
DJvictoriousT (11:00:13 PM): who was that?!
blnd44illini (11:00:22 PM): no idea
blnd44illini (11:00:26 PM): but she needs to peace out
blnd44illini (11:00:27 PM): she is fug
Jeflow1 (11:00:57 PM): yuck
blnd44illini (11:01:00 PM): HOT DOG VENDOR
blnd44illini (11:01:02 PM): SERIOUSLY?
blnd44illini (11:01:04 PM): SHE GETS THROUGH
Jeflow1 (11:01:32 PM): yuck
Jeflow1 (11:01:44 PM): my girl
blnd44illini (11:01:54 PM): busted face is your girl?
Jeflow1 (11:02:00 PM): amy
blnd44illini (11:02:18 PM): ew
Jeflow1 (11:03:01 PM): remember i'm the guy who picked the double rejection
blnd44illini (11:03:07 PM): true
blnd44illini (11:03:08 PM): dammit
blnd44illini (11:03:12 PM): you win
blnd44illini (11:03:22 PM): WHAT
DJvictoriousT (11:03:23 PM): what?
Jeflow1 (11:03:26 PM): shayne?
blnd44illini (11:03:29 PM): CRAZY LAMAS CHICK GETS THE ROSE
blnd44illini (11:03:31 PM): THAT IS RIDICULOUS
blnd44illini (11:03:40 PM): so he hates singers
blnd44illini (11:03:50 PM): my respect for him continues to grow
Jeflow1 (11:04:43 PM): the event planner can plan her coming home party
Jeflow1 (11:04:47 PM): which is nice

The roses quickly disappear and red-headed/clarinet/singer/old maid sadly tells the camera that she is anxious to get home to see her cat. She REALLY misses her cat.

DJvictoriousT (11:05:18 PM): shit. that could be me.
Jeflow1 (11:05:23 PM): her cat or 30 cats?
blnd44illini (11:05:29 PM): i had to restrain from making a rude comment
blnd44illini (11:05:36 PM): but menter and i are laughing hysterically at this chick
blnd44illini (11:05:42 PM): tia do you have a clarinet?
DJvictoriousT (11:05:48 PM): no.
DJvictoriousT (11:05:52 PM): but i have a lasso

Viva la Guttenberg!

Dancing with the Stars, Season 6 has started. Sorry that I didn't get anything out last week. I haven't watched all the episodes. Suffice it to say I'm only watching this season due to my love of Steve Guttenberg. Here's a review of the first 3 full episodes.

If Penn isn’t out within 3 weeks, I will be very surprised.

With Brett Favre retiring, I needed to find a new football crush. Jason Taylor is officially in the running. YUM. Also very likely that he and Edyta (his partner) will bone before this is over.

Adam Corolla = not as bad as I thought he’d be.

Now for the second episode… didn’t get all the way through the first, but too bad. No one got kicked off anyway.

Guttenberg in a white suit and lime green shirt. I already know it’s gonna be awesome. Obviously he is the guy I am rooting for. Female I want to win = chick from Hairspray or Kristi Yamaguchi. Mostly Kristi. I used to love figure skating as a kid.
Steve is first. He’s gonna get sexy with it. He called hit a macho mambo combo. Normally I judge people who use phrases like that. Normally I’m not watching Guttenberg. He also has a decent shimmy. And he’s so smiley it just makes me happy. Oh Steve. If Tom Selleck and Ted Danson do not appear in the audience later in the season, I will be pretty disappointed. They get semi crappy reviews, and his partner FREAKS. She seems like kind of a bitch. But a good balance with Steve’s awesomeness. Also the female host just called him “The Gut.” AMAZING.

Mario is probably the male front runner. Dude can move.

Ugh. Monica Celes picked for the early exit. So awkward.

Shannon Elizabeth is gonna go far. She can really dance, and most of America has seen her boobs. Recipe for success.

Hairspray chick = adorable. She has heavy chick anxiety, but her partner seems really nice.

Deaf people = better dancers than people with one leg. There. I said it. Suck it Heather Mills.

I missed Mario…again. But he’s supposed to be awesome. Whatever. The tweens will vote for him this week anyway.

Anyone who loves me should vote for Guttenberg as many times as possible. This weeks Guttenberg related quote: “There's a quarter of a million dollars in heroin in the diaper pail and the new baby wipes are in the hall cabinet.”

BACHELOR BLOG IS BACK BABY!

Bachelor Blog is back – and it’s going international! We didn't do the live blog this time, cause the show premiered on St. Patrick's Day, and... well... enough said. Anyway, due to the magic of abc.com... I got to watch it online instead of trying to find a job or doing any sort of homework.

FYI - British bachelor accent inevitably means I will be inappropriately in love with him right from the start.

So his name is Matt, he's a banker, and he lives in my favorite city in the world.

Gratuitous Abbey Road street crossing shot. Normally I would be offended, but this guy is hot, and is already showing a pretty decent sense of humor. And he’s young. As bachelorettes go, aren’t they usually way younger than he is? We’re gonna see a 16 year old I bet. Do they have statutory rape in England? And the show title as a The Clash throwback? Wow. This theme may turn out to be more exploited than the “An Officer and a Gentleman” theme song. Harrison looks like a leprechaun next to this super tall bachelor. I’m starting to regret the fact that I was mainly joking when I said I would go on the Bachelor. Instead of douchey Americans, I could get a British banker. OH AND HE SAYS HE LIKES MUSICALS!?!?! And does a semi-gay sounding American accent. Big fan.

Preseason favorites – Amanda R. in the navy dress. She lived in England and is an account executive; Robin who likes soccer and lived in London; Noelle in a gold dress. AMANDA GETS THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE – I’M SO GOOD AT THIS!

Preseason whores – everyone in a dress with cut outs, especially Stacey (and she’s from Chicago… giving IL girls a bad name – and lower back tattoo visible through the dress cut out? That’s a double whore move – AND SHE THREW UP THE SHOCKER! - see below)

Preseason moron - Shayne the actress from LA – but he seems to like her. Gross – at least she’s not anorexic skinny. HER DAD IS LORENZO LAMAS? Wow. Unexpectedly random.

Preseason stalker – chick in the left hand ring who said it was a placeholder for his engagement ring; singer songwriter who wrote him a song (also she might be too smiley).

33 year old hot dog vendor? SERIOUSLY? Homemade genie outfit? SERIOUSLY? Playing the clarinet? “It has to be wet in order for it to vibrate” That’s what she said. Also that girl’s a nerd alert.

Girl who worked for Bush seems pretty crazy. But not as crazy as the girl who bit through a beer can. I pick beer can girl. (Carri… but she just said “all that and a bag of chips” - ugh).

OK and the whore from Chicago has warranted her own paragraph. Inner thigh rub while he’s talking to her. And she has lots of open mouth smiling. He is absolutely disgusted by her. And she just called him boring. SHE THINKS LONDON IS BY THE OCEAN… hahahahaha. This chick is awesome. What she knows about London is efficient cars. He won’t keep her around cause he clearly hates her… but I hope he keeps her cause she’s a f*cking train wreck. I am somehow reminded of Britney Spears. SHE PUTS HER PANTIES IN HIS PANTS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This chick is unbelievable. One day her kids will see this. I hope they will be proud. Erin H. just called her fat. AND now whore has just passed out. God she wins. Gasp, she doesn’t get a rose. I can’t believe it.

I judge the girls who cry on the first date. Also these toasts would be so much better if he was drinking beer like a real Brit.

Seems like this season will be awesome, and looking forward to mocking it for all of you. Also, I'm saving a special time for blogging about the new Dancing With the Stars. I am only watching till they kick off Guttenberg. After that they are dead to me. Steve Guttenberg=amazing. I'm so excited.