NFL Draft 1st round random thoughts... UPDATE

So I am in the library, studying (ish) for finals. Watching the NFL.com live coverage of the draft. Have been informed I am missing a lot of the unintentional comedy featured on the ESPN coverage... but what can you do. I'm gonna stop paying attention earlier than it would be worth it for me to have stayed home. That said... some comments on NFL commentators. I totally forgot how small Deion Sanders is. Also Marshall Faulk has a really fat face. And I really enjoy Rich Eisen. Also, I LOVE that there are only 10 minute limits between picks. Makes things flow much faster.

1) OMG I'm so surprised that Jake Long went first! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT... move on. Michigan still sucks.
2) Chris Long is kind of hot. I'm glad he didn't follow his Dad's haircut footsteps as well as his football footsteps.
3) FULLY enjoy both the Matt Ryan pick and the Matt Ryan sweatervest. KSK has already named him Matty Ice... and he is the anti-Vick... Solid moves.
4) Raiders taking FOREVER... COME ON MCFADDEN..... YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS - wooooooooo pig suey! Yes he has lots of illegitimate children... but that guy is AMAZING. I may now have to start watching Raider games. Oh PS - NFL network just reminded us that Darren McFadden vs. LT will be on their network. I will be watching. ...HAHAHA McFadden just said he can help his family (read... illegit kids) out with whatever they need. This is a good man. Childsupport what what?!? OK, enough DMC family jokes... he's still my favorite college player of the last 10 years.
5) KC gets Dorsey. Whatever. The bling on his watch is inappropriate for someone before he's been drafted.
6) Jets on the clock. I'm already bored with references to the fact that the draft is held in NYC and it's a New York team making the pick. Um Jets fans in the audience with painted faces? REALLLLLLLLLLLY? Gholston picked. Really enjoying how the NFL commentators are digging into Michigan for the fact that he OWNED Jake Long in every game they played in college. Though I on principle hate Ohio State more than Michigan, Gholston got picked lower and we beat Ohio State this year and lost to Michigan (though it was not because they were better... it's cause we screwed ourselves)... anyway... Now all the guys in the green room have been picked... too bad we won't have a Brady Quinn this year cause that was awesome.
7) Pats trade 7th pick to the Saints who take Sedrick (yes I spelled that correctly... ridiculous) Ellis from USC. Don't know much about it other than he owned Illinois in the Rose Bowl.
8) Another trade. Ravens give the pick to the Jags and fall back to get a cheaper player for an extra pick. I care about neither of these teams. Derrick Harvey, DE from Florida. Whatever...
9) Bengals on the clock - (insert them being criminals joke here) - Keith Rivers. another guy who owned in the Rose Bowl.
10) Patriots getting booed... a lot. This just in... JETS fans are kind of whiny. Jerod Mayo, LB, Tennessee. The best part (perhaps only good part) about Tennessee is that they bring live adorable dogs to the games. Doesn't quite make up for how ugly their "orange" is.
11) Bills take Leodis McKelvin. Moving on.
12) Broncos take Ryan Clady from Boise State... their first ever 1st round pick... Adorable.
13) One pick before the Bearssss are set to go. I'm getting excited. Mendenhall still on the board. We are getting remarkably close to the last picks I care about. Oh and the Panthers take Jonathan Stewart from Oregon. Ducks, as an animal, are awesome. As a movie? MIGHTY.
14) DA BEARSSSS on the clock. NFL commentators just referred to Mendenhall's shimmy and wiggle. Sexy. HOLY CRAP... NFL interviewing Bill Belichick. He is wearing a suit. With a pink shirt and tie.... My world is collapsing around me. Bears take Chris Williams from Vandy. Though Mendenhall would have been AWESOME... I like this pick. OT are what we need the most. But I'd like to see them pick up a RB in an upcoming pick... Remember Benson? HE SUCKS.
15) Lions on the clock. I've been expecting Mendenhall to go here for a long time. I don't like it, cause the Lions suck and I won't get to see many of their games. But keeping him Midwest is pretty chill. OH TRADE! That was somewhat unexpected. Now Kansas City has a pick, and takes Brandon Albert. I'm starting to freak out that Mendenhall won't go first round. I will be PISSED, cause if that's the case he could have stayed at Illinois for his senior year.
16) Now Cardinals on the clock. In my head, all I can hear is "THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!" Damn you Coors Light commercials. I was just informed that Kansas City has more holes than Swiss cheese. ZING. Cardinals take Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie. His name is way too long.
17) Lions back on the clock... now's the time to take Mendenhall and justify my predictions... NOPE go with a tackle, Gosder Cherilus. I am really starting to flip out....
18) Houston on the clock. Ravens trade for the spot. Take QB Joe Flacco. Whatever. He's from Delaware... now all I can hear is "Hi... I'm in Delaware." Extra points for anyone who knows what movie that is from.
19) Eagles on the clock. TRADE to Carolina who take Jeff Otah. SERIOUSLY? They gave up a lot for this guy. Hope it works out. Just kidding. I don't give a rat's ass if it works out.
20) Tampa Bay Buccaneers on the clock. I like pirates, so Mendenhall could go here... I guess. They take Aqib Talib. Rhyming is fun.
21) Redskins on the clock. Kind of would be chill for Mendenhall to go to them, because of the Chief Illiniwek metaphors. That said... PLEASE TAKE HIM SO HE IS NOT AVAILABLE TO THE COWBOYS. I HATE THE COWBOYS! Redskins trade with the Falcons. They take tackle Sam Baker. Oh good. Mendenhall still available.
22) Cowboys. They just made reference to "America's Team" and I threw up in my mouth a little. There is a twelve year old red-headed boy at the Dallas draft table with headphones and all. What? They take Felix Jones from Arkansas. I'm quite glad they didn't take Mendenhall, but it's pretty depressing that Jones went ahead of him. Even though I really like Jones and he's a way better fit with Dallas, I'm starting to think Mendenhall should have gone back to Illinois for his senior year.
23) Steelers on the clock. DJ Victorious' team. They take RASHARD MENDENHALL! It's about goddamn time. I REALLY like this pick the more I think about it. First of all, now DJ Vic and I can root for the Steelers together. NICE. Also, he's on the East Coast. Meaning I will get to see him play more, and if he stays there till I get money, I can roadtrip to a game. Plus I think he'll be quite successful there. OK it's been nearly 3 hours since I did any legit work. So peace out. I don't care about any other picks below this to keep watching. Enjoy the rest of the drafts, peeps.

UPDATE: So one of my favorite parts about the draft and the live blogs I was reading were all the jokes about Keyshawn Johnson's outfit. Because I was watching NFL.com's live coverage, I didn't see ESPN and the magic that was this outfit. But Sunday morning, I finally found a pic. And it is AMAZING.

I would like to congratulate Tex on winning the best response after seeing this pic:

Tex: my sweet jesus god...

Tex: my stomach hurts just looking at that

Bachelor Blog Hometown Dates, now featuring Lorenzo Lamas and Janice from the Muppets

It’s time for the hometown dates, loyal readers. We have Noelle, Shayne, Meeps and Chelsea getting to bring our handsome bachelor home. We’ll start out with our reactions to the previews of the episode.

Jeflow1 (10:03:16 PM): well hello
Smurftastic (10:03:27 PM): LORENZO!
DJvictoriousT (10:03:29 PM): yes!!!!!
Smurftastic (10:03:40 PM): he is rather squinty
Smurftastic (10:04:05 PM): OMG MOM LIP KISSING!?!?!?!?!?!?
Smurftastic (10:04:10 PM): mrs meeps!
DJvictoriousT (10:04:26 PM): i'm guessing that chelsea's mom is another crazy one.... like into astrology

Now it’s time to Shayne’s hometown date, where we start off having a quick meal of wine and cheese w/ Lorenzo Lamas, then go to her mom’s house to have pot roast w/ mom and sister.

DJvictoriousT (10:04:38 PM): LAMAS!!!!!!
Smurftastic (10:04:42 PM): what does this tell us about the episode that they are STARTING w/ lamas?
DJvictoriousT (10:04:46 PM): Welcome to the Z-list Matt
Smurftastic (10:05:17 PM): please join me for some cheese? seriously?
DJvictoriousT (10:05:33 PM): I just saw her weave stitching
DJvictoriousT (10:05:53 PM): oh - i;m sorry, the white girls call them "extensions"
Jeflow1 (10:06:07 PM): aged
Jeflow1 (10:08:04 PM): what's up with the f*cked up uneven nostrils
Jeflow1 (10:08:12 PM): on shayne
DJvictoriousT (10:08:19 PM): is matt crying?
DJvictoriousT (10:08:23 PM): i would be....
Smurftastic (10:08:28 PM): lorenzo plays mind games
DJvictoriousT (10:09:15 PM): do you get the impression that lamas is kind of pissed that his daughter is getting more camera time than he is right now?
DJvictoriousT (10:09:26 PM): woah - those nostrils are weird!
DJvictoriousT (10:09:29 PM): what is that?!
Smurftastic (10:09:38 PM): nose job?
Smurftastic (10:09:46 PM): missy piggy?
DJvictoriousT (10:10:00 PM): shayne does kind of resemble miss piggy
DJvictoriousT (10:10:58 PM): and shayne's mom looks like Janice from the Muppets
Smurftastic (10:10:59 PM): shayne, your mom... WOOF
DJvictoriousT (10:11:03 PM): they're a whole Muppet family
DJvictoriousT (10:15:29 PM): WHAT is THAT?
Smurftastic (10:15:50 PM): OH MY GOD
Jeflow1 (10:16:13 PM): shaynes out
Jeflow1 (10:16:25 PM): you think
Smurftastic (10:16:26 PM): nice fake boobies, mrs. shayne
Smurftastic (10:16:40 PM): oh no i'm sorry, those are your lips
DJvictoriousT (10:17:05 PM): that seriously is Janice from the Muppets
Jeflow1 (10:17:24 PM): why do think lorenzo left her
Jeflow1 (10:17:36 PM): he screwed up
Smurftastic (10:17:42 PM): he went plastic surgery broke
Smurftastic (10:18:04 PM): OH good - mom showing how flexible she is
DJvictoriousT (10:18:20 PM): http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Janice
DJvictoriousT (10:19:18 PM): That's a bit of a Muppet mess if Janice ends up being Miss Piggy's mother
Jeflow1 (10:19:22 PM): i can't wait to meet her grand pap and great uncle
Jeflow1 (10:19:31 PM): their up in the balcony
Smurftastic (10:19:35 PM): holy lipliner batman
DJvictoriousT (10:19:51 PM): he is REALLY into Shayne
Smurftastic (10:19:54 PM): on google image search for "janice the muppets" the last picture on the first page is of new york from I Love New York
Jeflow1 (10:20:08 PM): there was nothing brilliant going on in that house
Smurftastic (10:20:12 PM): shaynes mom is like hte same sort of deal as hot chicks with fat friends
Smurftastic (10:20:23 PM): everyone looks better in comparison
Smurftastic (10:21:33 PM): i realize that is incredibly shallow... but seriously, that is the only explanation i have for why he's SO attracted to shayne after that visit

Now we go see Chelsea somewhere where it snows. I forget where, and I don’t really care. At the end of the date there is making out, obvi, cause we must recall that Chelsea had the homemade fantasy suite card last week.

Jeflow1 (10:25:29 PM): a little cold for all that cleavage
DJvictoriousT (10:26:56 PM): i don't understand her father's haircut
DJvictoriousT (10:27:00 PM): or mustache
Smurftastic (10:28:16 PM): her blush is pretty intense
DJvictoriousT (10:28:48 PM): matt needs to consider the fact that when chelsea ages she will most likely look like her mother...normal....when shayne ages, she will also look like her mother. enough said.
Jeflow1 (10:29:03 PM): good point
Jeflow1 (10:29:39 PM): when the good bye was the best part of the date

Now Noelle’s date. We meet mom, dad and sister… on their ranch. Matt and Noelle go on a horseback ride before meeting the parentals. Her dad mentions that they look like the “Last Supper”… OK….

DJvictoriousT (10:30:05 PM): I forgot who Noelle was. She's gone.
Jeflow1 (10:30:17 PM): great another bitter can't find a man sister
Smurftastic (10:34:00 PM): ummmm covered wagon in the front yard?
Smurftastic (10:34:12 PM): is that like the cowboy version of the frat boy couch on the lawn?
DJvictoriousT (10:34:43 PM): that looks dangerous - kissing while riding 2 horses
Jeflow1 (10:35:12 PM): get some pictures this could be the last you see him photographer girl
Jeflow1 (10:36:29 PM): and kisses better than grand pa too!!!
DJvictoriousT (10:37:25 PM): i feel uncomfortable
Smurftastic (10:37:46 PM): i don't think that at the last supper jesus mentioned he could get his legs over his head
Smurftastic (10:37:50 PM): i could be mistaken
Smurftastic (10:39:22 PM): ok i'm over the ranch
Smurftastic (10:39:26 PM): i want horny mom
Jeflow1 (10:39:40 PM): we all do
DJvictoriousT (10:39:35 PM): i know - give us the good stuff

Now we finally get the good stuff when we get to meet Meeps’ parents. The previews show her mom trying to make out w/ Matt and grabbing his nipples. Then Meeps’ dad sees and gets pissed off. We are excited. Oh but wait, Meeps reveals that she wanted to play a prank on Matt and hired actors to be douchey parents. Matt immediately freaks out and starts drinking. Matt still gets to have dinner with her real parents, then Meeps brings him up to her room for makeout party.

DJvictoriousT (10:40:46 PM): she hired actors?!!!!
Jeflow1 (10:40:49 PM): actors damn
Smurftastic (10:40:49 PM): ACTORS
Smurftastic (10:40:50 PM): LAME
Smurftastic (10:45:51 PM): OH MY GOD
Smurftastic (10:46:20 PM): and i would be reacting the same way as matt = drinking excessively
DJvictoriousT (10:46:25 PM): this prank is a little in poor taste
Smurftastic (10:47:02 PM): COUGAR
Smurftastic (10:47:45 PM): so will they not get to meet real parents/
DJvictoriousT (10:47:58 PM): there's only 10 minutes left....
Smurftastic (10:48:02 PM): EW EW EW EW
DJvictoriousT (10:48:08 PM): he just said nipple
Smurftastic (10:48:14 PM): i just puked in my mouth a little
Smurftastic (10:48:32 PM): so. awkward.
Smurftastic (10:49:25 PM): FAKE DAD TRIPS DOWN THE STAIRS

Now it’s time for the rose ceremony cocktail party. Noelle is sent home. She thinks it’s because she can’t open up

DJvictoriousT (10:50:51 PM): who goes?
DJvictoriousT (10:50:53 PM): i say noelle
Smurftastic (10:51:04 PM): i think chelsea
Jeflow1 (10:51:13 PM): caron agrees with noelle
Jeflow1 (10:51:49 PM): i'm going with meeps
Jeflow1 (10:53:50 PM): matt should get even with a fake rose
Jeflow1 (10:53:14 PM): shayne's a mess
DJvictoriousT (10:54:05 PM): good call
Smurftastic (10:54:31 PM): yes! meeps!
Smurftastic (10:54:36 PM): preseason MVP
Smurftastic (10:55:28 PM): DJ Vic = victorious
DJvictoriousT (10:55:36 PM): as usual
Smurftastic (10:55:48 PM): i think it was casue Noelle was dressed the least slutty
Jeflow1 (10:56:11 PM): the sisters screwed her
Smurftastic (10:57:22 PM): so far handling it maturely
Smurftastic (10:57:24 PM): ish
DJvictoriousT (10:57:41 PM): i don't think she was totally into it
Smurftastic (10:57:47 PM): i concur

Previews of next week – vacation date to Barbados. Things are promised to get sexy before Matt eventually picks a gal and then proposes.

DJvictoriousT (10:58:45 PM): "get sexy"
DJvictoriousT (10:58:57 PM): chelsea is out

Gasp! Something on the Bachelor was fake?!? Say it ain't so!

Here is a link to a site w/ pics of Patrick Dempsey at the London Premiere of Made of Honor YESTERDAY. http://justjared.buzznet.com/2008/04/21/patrick-dempsey-made-of-honor-premiere/
Lest we forget that the Bachelor went on a date with Holly to the premier several weeks ago. HOW DARE YOU LIE TO US, CHRIS HARRISON! WE TRUSTED YOU. Oh, no, wait. We didn't...

CMT awards... random thoughts

OK. So I don't get CMT. (eff you, comcast.) Last year I watched the CMT awards via webcast. This year I forgot and was Bachelor blogging. But they have the full show online (cmt.com = awesome). So I have been watching it whilst preparing for my oral argument tomorrow (insert childish giggle here... oral). I have a few things I'd like to point out:

1) Miley Cyrus made reference to being born in 1992. And I now want to kill myself.
2) CMT apparently has a show called "Gone Country" where washed up stars try to learn how to sing country. Hilarious on its face. Features Marcia Brady, Bobby Brown and... wait for it... keep waiting... I swear the wait it'll be worth it... here it comes... SISQO. Yup. That's right. Sisqo. The crew presented an award, and PS... his hair is still ridiculous.
3) Billy Ray Cyrus' facial hair is inappropriate.
4) Taylor Swift is very endearing and I like her voice and all... but in person...there's something about her look that freaks me out.
5) Miley Cyrus' voice = good, but not great.
6) Faith Hill's haircut saddens me.
7) Oh good, Snoop appearance on the CMT awards. Too bad there isn't a country version of "Sexual Eruption"... yet... (http://youtube.com/watch?v=WzR3au5OS_s)
8) Increasing the randomness... Robert Plant won an award.
9) FINALLY Brooks & Dunn didn't win a duo award. Honestly, I was over them 10 years ago.
10) My girl crush on Carrie Underwood = still going strong.
11) Spotted: Kenny Chesney nipping hard.
12) Oh, and perhaps most random... show opens with cameos from John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama (among others)... o...k...

There was probably other funny stuff happening, but I was pretending to do work so I didn't blog about it.

Sidenote... I would just like to say what complete garbage it is that a blogger from my favorite NFL site got fired from his job at the Washington Post for revealing his true identity on the site. LAME... full story here: http://withleather.com/post.phtml?pk=5531, and full coverage of the event on http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/.

Bachelor Blog - on location!

Sorry for the lack of bachelor blog last week… but it was national championship basketball. Sports are way more important than judging. This week, Matt takes all the ladies to Idaho to go skiing. There will be 2 individual dates and a 4 person group date. The remaining four get hometown visits next week. DJ Vic was absent this week.

Smurftastic: i was sad to discover i missed the episode when crazy singer was axed
Jeflow1: it was so weird
Smurftastic: i saw a clip
Smurftastic: and it was AWFUL
Smurftastic: as was the song
Smurftastic: i would just like to throw out there that it is amazing how slutty you can look in the freezing cold

Chelsea gets the first one on one date, and gets to go on a romantic sleigh ride, where Matt admits he really gets along with her, but doesn’t know if she can be romantic. She mentions that she hates PDA and has a fear of holding hands… okay….

Jeflow1: we're ready to sleigh ride
Smurftastic: who is afraid of holding hands?
Smurftastic: freak
Jeflow1: she has manhands
Smurftastic: i empathize... i occasionally have had issues w/ sweaty boy hands

Chelsea decides to show how she can be romantic. Even though fantasy suites aren’t till the end, she gets up to leave randomly… and decides to write a note and invite herself to Matt’s room for the night. Classy.

Jeflow1: Chelsea is doing well
Jeflow1: she has to go throw up her food
Smurftastic: HOMEMADE FANTASY SUITE CARD
Smurftastic: HOLY CRAP
Smurftastic: slutttttttttttttt sesh
Jeflow1: wow
Jeflow1: what was that only two drinks and he has her
Smurftastic: maybe there was straight whiskey in the coffee cups on the sleigh
Smurftastic: or beer... they could have been budweiser clydesdales
Jeflow1: when you said clydesdales did you mean the horses or Marshanda and Robin
Smurftastic: both... but i prefer the horses, cause they probably smell better

Shayne, Robin, Miss Earth, and Meeps get the group date. Matt takes them skiing/snowboarding and then they head to an outdoor hot tub. Robin infiltrates Shayne and Matt’s snow makeout. This is, of course, after Chris Harrison has told us multiple times that “the biggest confrontation in bachelor history” is on the way.

Jeflow1: how is shayne still there
Jeflow1: robin brings the hate
Smurftastic: odds on racial slurs tonight in the "biggest fight in bachelor history?"
Smurftastic: prolly from robin
Jeflow1: 3 to 1
Smurftastic: zing virgin on the snow joke
Jeflow1: Marshanda looks hot in the ski gear - it must be the layers
Smurftastic: super skinny ones freak me out
Smurftastic: people get grumpy when they're hungry

Shayne wipes out on her snowboard… and immediately pulls out a compact and brushes and starts doing her makeup with Matt sitting next to her in the snow.

Smurftastic: ugh she sucks
Smurftastic: i bet she borrowed the compact from dad

In comes Robin on the snowboard.

Jeflow1: plow
Jeflow1: cock block
Smurftastic: he does not seem amused by robin
Smurftastic: i mean if he's got this connection w/ her, why doesn't he want to be alone w/ her?

Alone in a hot tub, Meeps tells Matt that her family lives in a doublewide trailer and will cook him dinner if he goes to visit them.

Jeflow1: possum
Smurftastic: YES TRAILER! From a preseason MVP.
Smurftastic: YES
Smurftastic: redneck girls are feisty in bed
Smurftastic: or so i've heard
Jeflow1: that's not a possum eating body
Smurftastic: maybe she just eats the tail
Smurftastic: less fat there
Jeflow1: it sounds like you have had a little redneck in you
Jeflow1: what was his name
Smurftastic: it's called growing up in Illinois and i have family in arkansas
Smurftastic: driving through hickland missouri and arkansas on the way to little rock can be, shall we say, very eye opening

Noelle, then, gets the last one on one date. He takes her ice skating. They both suck at it. Matt makes a comment that he thinks he looks like an ice robot. They also share a heart to heart about scars. Chicks dig scars.

Smurftastic: his main objective is to "know" Noelle... biblically
Jeflow1: holding hands
Jeflow1: she one up on chelsea
Jeflow1: it's tough to skate after a car wreck
Jeflow1: maybe she wrecked into ice skaters

Now the girls left at home get in a fight. Someone tells Miss Earth that it seems like she sometimes has a bad attitude. This is, of course, after she claims to “know how he lives.” Shayne sounds uncharacteristically smart when she says that Miss Earth can’t honestly believe that this is how he acts in real life.

Smurftastic: hahahahaha this is amazing
Smurftastic: she just gets pissy for NO REASON
Smurftastic: i don' tknow if you caught that, but "she will not have it"
Smurftastic: i love when arguments just involve repeating the same stuff over and over again
Smurftastic: it is a valid lawyering strategy that i intend to use

Marshana is in confessional after the argument to tell us how she is a great person, and a giver, and otherwise awesome.

Smurftastic: "I am a great person"
Jeflow1: i'm sorry somethings with my cable
Jeflow1: flavo flav just came on
Jeflow1: oh wait it's still the bachlor
Smurftastic: maybe trailer girl would be like a preview of rock of love

At the cocktail party (hahaha COCK tail)… the girls vie for Matt’s attention… interrupting each other. Harrison says Robin will do anything to get a hometown date.

Jeflow1: i hope she doesn't try panty
Smurftastic: so when harrison said "robin will do anything to get there," I just started hearing meatloaf in my head
Smurftastic: she will do anything for love
Smurftastic: but she won't do that
Smurftastic: i resent it
Smurftastic: damn you harrison. damn you!
Jeflow1: i want the home visit to shayne's
Smurftastic: OMG... WILL LORENZO MAKE AN APPEARANCE?
Smurftastic: i bet ther eis some kind of contract that shayne must make it hometown

Miss Earth and Matt are having 1 on 1 time… Chelsea, who fought with Marshana the night before, butts her way into the convo. Miss Earth is less than pleased, because that means she doesn’t get a kiss.

Jeflow1: she can take a hint
Jeflow1: or not
Smurftastic: chelsea may not be straight
Smurftastic: i just don't know if she knows it
Smurftastic: she seems disgusted with him
Smurftastic: FACE EATING MAKEOUT

While Chelsea and Matt are making out… Miss Earth is explaining that it was wrong to interrupt. Robin and Shayne point out that she would do the same thing if the roles were reversed. She gets angry, and tells Robin, “at least I sleep every night, and I’ll drink to that.”

Jeflow1: call it what you will; but please call it a word that i understand
Smurftastic: why does it matter that miss earth sleeps every night?
Smurftastic: why do you need to drink to that?
Smurftastic: i sleep too
Smurftastic: most people do
Smurftastic: why is that worthy of celebration?
Jeflow1: i have to drink to sleep

Matt lets Miss Earth and Robin go… after thanking the girls for tugging at his heart.

Smurftastic: they've tugged at more than his heart
Smurftastic: YES LORENZO... NEXT. WEEK.
Smurftastic: meeps!
Smurftastic: robin is gonna flip out

Robin and Marshana have very different ways of complaining about being kicked off. First… Marshana…

Jeflow1: say my name say my name
Smurftastic: she sounds like tyra when she kicks someone out of america's next top model

Now Robin, who only tells Matt “bon soir” and then walks away without letting him say anything to her.

Smurftastic: F BOMB
Smurftastic: think harrison gets a bitch three way?
Jeflow1: what did she call him
Jeflow1: she called him a bum sore
Jeflow1: she called him a hemorrhoid

Previews of next week…

Smurftastic: YES LORENZO!
Smurftastic: mom making moves
Smurftastic: amazing
Jeflow1: i can't wait
Smurftastic: alright if DJ Victorious misses lorenzo, we are no longer friends

Credit shot = Marshana skiing into a line divider for a ski lift and wiping out.

Smurftastic: HAHAHA
Smurftastic: that was the best credit shot... ever
Jeflow1: the little tramp that could
Smurftastic: miss earth = clotheslined!
Smurftastic: OWNED

The episode starts with the promise of two one-on-one dates. The first “alone” date with Matt goes to Holly, the “children’s book writer.” Riiiiiiggght. Anyway, the exciting date Matt (read: the producers) have planned is attending the “Maid of Honor” movie premiere. Matt and Holly exit the limo to what appears to be a crowd of swarming paparazzi. Something doesn’t seem right.

DJvictoriousT (9:45:59 PM): 2 1-on-1 dates. good times. possible sex
DJvictoriousT (9:46:06 PM): these girls seem particularly slutty
blnd44illini (9:46:50 PM): MAID OF HONOR! I'm excited to see it
blnd44illini (9:46:52 PM): not gonna lie
blnd44illini (9:47:09 PM): mcdreamy=male bridesmaid
DJvictoriousT (9:47:07 PM): i think i like holly
blnd44illini (9:47:13 PM): i enjoy holly
blnd44illini (9:47:17 PM): she seems normalish
DJvictoriousT (9:47:48 PM): are these fake papparazzi?
blnd44illini (9:47:52 PM): this is really wierd, cause that movie isn't supposed to come out till may
blnd44illini (9:47:56 PM): this may be fake
DJvictoriousT (9:48:20 PM): the producers are taking some chances this season
DJvictoriousT (9:48:31 PM): some win
DJvictoriousT (9:48:33 PM): some lose
blnd44illini (9:48:36 PM): right um release date is may 2
blnd44illini (9:48:42 PM): this is way too early
blnd44illini (9:48:58 PM): this is probably pre editing or else just focus groups
DJvictoriousT (9:50:05 PM): a premiere...for 2
DJvictoriousT (9:50:11 PM): you can't fool me bachelor
DJvictoriousT (9:50:26 PM): this is a commercial!
blnd44illini (9:50:45 PM): YES
blnd44illini (9:50:51 PM): movie theater handjob?
blnd44illini (9:53:43 PM): ps the website for made of honor has mcdreamy in a kilt
DJvictoriousT (9:54:11 PM): did you see the dude at barristers (aka law school prom) in the kilt?
blnd44illini (9:54:16 PM): YES
blnd44illini (9:54:19 PM): it was awesome
DJvictoriousT (9:54:25 PM): it was pretty awesome
DJvictoriousT (9:54:34 PM): i wanted to know if he was wearing underwear
blnd44illini (9:54:47 PM): i hope not... or else thats fake
DJvictoriousT (9:54:47 PM): ya know, cause if he wasn't it would really be authentic
blnd44illini (9:55:26 PM): exactly

After the movie premier, Matt takes Holly back to a trendy hotel so they can “get to know each other.” During the conversation, Matt confesses that he feels spending time with Holly is a little “too easy.” But he convinces her to join him the hot tub anyway.

DJvictoriousT (9:55:35 PM): he;s taking her to the hotel, not the motel, not the holiday inn...say what
blnd44illini (9:56:09 PM): after the party its the after party then after the party its the hotel
lobby
DJvictoriousT (9:57:49 PM): are they eating on a super-size cigar?
DJvictoriousT (9:57:58 PM): way too hip for me
blnd44illini (9:57:58 PM): no but she will be later
blnd44illini (9:58:05 PM): ZING
blnd44illini (9:58:23 PM): uh oh i smell a friend zone talk
DJvictoriousT (9:58:28 PM): that's as close to the "love you like a sister" line as it's gonna get
blnd44illini (9:58:37 PM): LYLAS!
blnd44illini (9:59:57 PM): hot tub w/ your sister?
DJvictoriousT (9:59:59 PM): first hot tub of the season
DJvictoriousT (10:00:59 PM): i don't know what to say
DJvictoriousT (10:01:09 PM): i'm getting uncomfortable
blnd44illini (10:01:23 PM): i have been watching this show for a while
blnd44illini (10:01:34 PM): and every time they zoom in on candles
blnd44illini (10:01:41 PM): i assume boning
DJvictoriousT (10:01:49 PM): good call

While Matt and Holly impliedly get freaky back in the hot tub, the ladies back at the house answer the doorbell to find…….walk-of-fame looking handprints that Matt and Holly made outside of the movie premiere. The cement impressions include hearts and at least one mention of the word “love.” Panic ensues.

DJvictoriousT (9:59:08 PM): seriously. they are not kidding around this season
DJvictoriousT (9:59:20 PM): planting evidence
blnd44illini (9:59:28 PM): wow that was a dick move Mann's

Next up: group date. And the entertainment of choice is making the ladies put on their kit and play some rugby. This might be my favorite bachelor activity EVER. Matt gets into coach mode and uses this activity as an opportunity to recite more British sayings.

DJvictoriousT (9:56:57 PM): YES. RUGBY!!!!!!!!!!!!
DJvictoriousT (10:06:35 PM): one more reason we both would do much better on this season the 90% of these only moderately attractive girls
DJvictoriousT (10:06:46 PM): someone could die

blnd44illini (10:06:59 PM): you would OWN these girls
DJvictoriousT (10:07:01 PM): my guess is the coach will make stronger moves than matt today
blnd44illini (10:07:05 PM): frankly, i would too
blnd44illini (10:07:16 PM): not make moves... own the girls
DJvictoriousT (10:07:43 PM): this is brilliant....but this is not rugby
DJvictoriousT (10:07:47 PM): this is mud wrestling
blnd44illini (10:08:16 PM): they better actually play
blnd44illini (10:10:46 PM): HAHAHAAHAHA
blnd44illini (10:10:53 PM): OWNED!
DJvictoriousT (10:11:22 PM): woman down
DJvictoriousT (10:11:29 PM): miss earth. down
blnd44illini (10:11:39 PM): medic?
DJvictoriousT (10:10:58 PM): tooth?!
blnd44illini (10:11:03 PM): i can only hope
DJvictoriousT (10:11:54 PM): busted lip!
blnd44illini (10:11:58 PM): oh man up
blnd44illini (10:12:02 PM): that is not a game ending injury
DJvictoriousT (10:12:10 PM): where's the broken bone?
blnd44illini (10:12:14 PM): quit being a bitch
DJvictoriousT (10:12:15 PM): concussion?
blnd44illini (10:12:26 PM): i finished out hte IM football season w/ a broken finger
blnd44illini (10:12:29 PM): whore

Matt is impressed with the “girls’” performance on the field and showers them with praise.

blnd44illini (10:13:07 PM): i don't like when he calls them "girl"
blnd44illini (10:13:11 PM): it's very boy band
blnd44illini (10:13:27 PM): only good when sung in harmony or by joey mcintire
DJvictoriousT (10:13:40 PM): hahaha
DJvictoriousT (10:13:42 PM): yes
DJvictoriousT (10:13:46 PM): or davey jones
DJvictoriousT (10:13:56 PM): "girl."
blnd44illini (10:13:56 PM): yessssssss
DJvictoriousT (10:14:01 PM): "look what you've done to me."
DJvictoriousT (10:14:05 PM): "me"
DJvictoriousT (10:14:09 PM): "and my whole world"
blnd44illini (10:14:06 PM): um can we get him to come to barristers next year?
DJvictoriousT (10:14:16 PM): definitely
blnd44illini (10:14:21 PM): i will play marcia
DJvictoriousT (10:14:22 PM): probably for under a grand
blnd44illini (10:14:41 PM): CHILL... we could pool our money for that
DJvictoriousT (10:14:50 PM): he might be dead by then
DJvictoriousT (10:15:01 PM): but then we can just use the money to buy more booze
DJvictoriousT (10:15:03 PM): everyone wins
DJvictoriousT (10:15:07 PM): except davey
blnd44illini (10:15:14 PM): he can watch us from heaven
blnd44illini (10:15:21 PM): we'll play him at the preparty
DJvictoriousT (10:15:43 PM): and pour some of the liquor in his honor
blnd44illini (10:15:52 PM): we did that for brandis in college

Because they are the lucky winners of the one-on-one dates, Holly and Shayne stay back at the house while the other girls try to kick each other’s asses on the rugby pitch. Shayne comments on how she needs to tan. Holly informs the viewing audience on one key piece of information, which could possibly what pushes her ahead of the rest of the competition…..she has brought her own spray tanning machine.

DJvictoriousT (10:09:08 PM): wow
DJvictoriousT (10:09:25 PM): the only other person i've seen that excited about a spray tanner is the bodybuilder i used to work with
blnd44illini (10:09:25 PM): who has their own spray tanner
DJvictoriousT (10:09:32 PM): adam the bodybuilder
blnd44illini (10:09:33 PM): and why is she not tanning boobs but tanning vag?

Matt takes the rugby ladies back to his “pad.” We use this group shot as an opportunity to comment on the current status and performance of the remaining girls.

blnd44illini (10:18:33 PM): i'd like to point out that he just said "we get to go hang out at my pad"
DJvictoriousT (10:18:59 PM): robin talks like a gay man from the south
blnd44illini (10:19:12 PM): true
DJvictoriousT (10:19:58 PM): serously. ashlee is going to go psycho pretty soon
DJvictoriousT (10:20:02 PM): and it's going to be awesome
blnd44illini (10:20:08 PM): gratuitous butt shot
blnd44illini (10:20:14 PM): woooow
blnd44illini (10:20:20 PM): harrison totally has a boner right now
DJvictoriousT (10:20:34 PM): is kelly the drunk from last week?
blnd44illini (10:20:48 PM): i think she might be
blnd44illini (10:21:08 PM): and i just checked
blnd44illini (10:21:11 PM): direct quote
blnd44illini (10:21:12 PM): blnd44illini (10:34:19 PM): kelly is, well, she's drunk
DJvictoriousT (10:21:27 PM): nice
DJvictoriousT (10:21:51 PM): i'm calling robin not getting a rose this week
blnd44illini (10:21:55 PM): i like robin
blnd44illini (10:22:01 PM): she was a preseason mvp
DJvictoriousT (10:22:10 PM): something doesn't seem right
DJvictoriousT (10:24:27 PM): Shayne changes outfits about 5 times a day
blnd44illini (10:24:49 PM): do you think the vag tanner will stain her white shorts?
DJvictoriousT (10:25:04 PM): you know what would have been awesome. if holly had put some sort of rash-inducing liquid in the spray tanner
DJvictoriousT (10:25:09 PM): April Fools!
DJvictoriousT (10:25:24 PM): cue the canned laughter
blnd44illini (10:25:26 PM): HAHA amazing
blnd44illini (10:25:37 PM): harrison pops out of the closet and just screams OWNED
DJvictoriousT (10:26:24 PM): kelly is drunk. again.
blnd44illini (10:26:24 PM): and kelly's drunk again
blnd44illini (10:26:26 PM): she's growing on me
blnd44illini (10:27:16 PM): basically cause the drunks are much more hilarious

Matt and Shayne embark on their one-in-one date. Shayne is wearing ridiculous boots. Matt claims to have put together an exciting date. Shayne’s annoyance factor rises with each passing minute. She, of course, mentions her father…what’s his name.

blnd44illini (10:31:18 PM): CROTCH SHOT IN THE CAR
DJvictoriousT (10:31:39 PM): matt. don't front. you organized nothing.
DJvictoriousT (10:31:53 PM): matt did not put that date box together himself
DJvictoriousT (10:31:56 PM): some intern did
blnd44illini (10:32:13 PM): some intern who boned harrison
blnd44illini (10:32:22 PM): she is def rocking the accent
blnd44illini (10:32:25 PM): and it is awful
blnd44illini (10:32:30 PM): it's very britney
DJvictoriousT (10:32:41 PM): britney imitating madonna
DJvictoriousT (10:32:55 PM): that's because no one knows who your dad is
DJvictoriousT (10:32:59 PM): seriously.
blnd44illini (10:33:18 PM): yeah um he's like below D list
blnd44illini (10:33:34 PM): like can't even get on dancing with the stars
blnd44illini (10:33:37 PM): even below me having a ridiculous obsession w/ him
DJvictoriousT (10:33:41 PM): i'm guessing shayne is hoping she gets an us weekly interview out of this show
blnd44illini (10:34:24 PM): no way she gets US
blnd44illini (10:34:32 PM): OK!, maybe... or in touch
DJvictoriousT (10:34:36 PM): no way - but she's trying pretty hard
blnd44illini (10:36:00 PM): i bet perez hilton won't even touch that

Shayne tells Matt what things she finds important in life. For some unknown reason (good editing?) Matt appears enthralled.

blnd44illini (10:40:34 PM): WOW, cars, shoes, handbags, sunglasses and watches
blnd44illini (10:40:39 PM): i want him to punch her immediately
DJvictoriousT (10:40:51 PM): i can't believe he's buying into this
DJvictoriousT (10:41:04 PM): this actually makes me lose faith in men as a gender
blnd44illini (10:41:08 PM): i know
blnd44illini (10:41:22 PM): my british crush has cooled, ever so slightly
blnd44illini (10:41:40 PM): but that may be because i watched 3 men and a little lady yesterday and the british are the villains
blnd44illini (10:42:28 PM): Bed setup?
blnd44illini (10:42:39 PM): this is second to last date kind of scenario
DJvictoriousT (10:42:54 PM): they're pushing the boundaries this season
blnd44illini (10:43:50 PM): shayne as a child? http://www.ez-entertainment.net/carpet/LorenzoLamasShaunaSandVictoriaAlexandraIsabellaMI.JPG
DJvictoriousT (10:44:31 PM): no wonder she turned out like this
blnd44illini (10:44:47 PM): http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/54/039_19583~Lorenzo-Lamas-Posters.jpg
blnd44illini (10:44:52 PM): i hate her
blnd44illini (10:45:01 PM): she's awful
DJvictoriousT (10:45:07 PM): i want to vomit
DJvictoriousT (10:45:17 PM): between the rose and the shirtless llama
DJvictoriousT (10:45:22 PM): nausea

Post-Shayne, Matt returns to the house to spend some more time with the “group date” girls before making his final rose decisions. Robin throws elbows to spend alone time with Matt even though he gave her a rose post-rugby date.

DJvictoriousT (10:51:55 PM): you really like robin?
blnd44illini (10:52:11 PM): she is very quickly creeping me out
DJvictoriousT (10:52:12 PM): robin is out for blood
blnd44illini (10:52:16 PM): her intensity is ridic
DJvictoriousT (10:52:27 PM): see - he gave her that rose prematurely
DJvictoriousT (10:52:35 PM): can he take a rose back?
DJvictoriousT (10:52:46 PM): where did she come from?
DJvictoriousT (10:53:20 PM): he is talking out of his ass today
blnd44illini (10:53:32 PM): yeah... weird sesh
blnd44illini (10:54:26 PM): um she's pretty sucky
DJvictoriousT (10:56:25 PM): i think there is going to be ALOT of drama this season
blnd44illini (10:56:31 PM): i want there to be hitting
DJvictoriousT (10:56:40 PM): quite possible

Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony. The only girls to go home are the one’s we still can’t identify/have never seen before, and the hot dog vendor. The lasting impression from this episode: Robin is psycho.

blnd44illini (11:00:46 PM): who is the chick with the long sideswept hair?
DJvictoriousT (11:01:00 PM): where? blond or brunette?
DJvictoriousT (11:01:27 PM): do you think his contract requires him to educate the american public on british sayings?
blnd44illini (11:01:34 PM): blonde
blnd44illini (11:01:39 PM): i think it is
DJvictoriousT (11:01:50 PM): i have no idea
DJvictoriousT (11:02:33 PM): chelsea?!
DJvictoriousT (11:02:38 PM): she sucks hard core
DJvictoriousT (11:02:47 PM): maybe he likes that
blnd44illini (11:02:52 PM): noelle didn't say a single word to him
blnd44illini (11:02:54 PM): also, zing
blnd44illini (11:03:01 PM): she just cried
blnd44illini (11:03:10 PM): that always works on guys... dammit
blnd44illini (11:04:09 PM): HOT DOG VENDOR... peace out - you called it
DJvictoriousT (11:04:16 PM): amy!
blnd44illini (11:04:24 PM): amy is rogue too
DJvictoriousT (11:04:28 PM): i'm suprised he knew her name
blnd44illini (11:06:04 PM): YES "everyone hates robin"