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Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Top 10 Long Term Celebrity Crushes

OK. So I'm keeping the intro short, cause this is gonna be LONG entry. Since I stole from KSquizz's twitter idea about long term celebrity crushes, I couldn't keep the list to just five, and within the twitter length limits. So here is the one rule - we must have been "mildly stalking these men for at least the last 5 years." That's it. My picks are first then KSquizz's follow. Comments are in small font below.

Smurftastic #10 = Jason Bateman. Ever since the Hogan Family I knew there was something about him. Then there was Arrested Development. And now I will see movies I otherwise would have no desire to see just because he's in them.

KSquizz - So I remembered Jason Bateman as one of the doofy twins on the Hogan family and vaguely remembered there was a hot older brother. But according to my extensive research (2 minutes of googling) he was the hot older brother? So yeah you were right to love him from then on. I am new to Arrested Development, but his relationship with Michael Cera makes me want to have his babies. (Also, Michael Cera makes it onto my reasons I am a borderline pedophile list also featuring the werewolf from Twilight and the littlest Jonas Brother.) Also, his character in Dodgeball was so awesome he should have won an oscar, just saying. Good pick.

K Squizz # 10 - Bradley Cooper. He is the most recent addition to this list since I discovered him in "I Want to Marry Ryan Banks" where he played the sidekick to Jason Priestley who eventually gets the girl. Oh ABC family, you are just wonderful. Since then, he has popped up as secondary characters or villains in a lot of stuff, including super douche Sack Lodge in Wedding Crashers. Since he often plays fratty types, I am pretty sure he is one in real life. But I am okay with that. As mentioned in the Twitter list, he loses some of his appeal because he is the new hot thing thanks to The Hangover, but I really wanted "Kitchen Confidential" to be a success for him so I guess I should be happy for him. His sudden appearance on the A List has all but killed any chance of he and I finding love. :( But Bradley, squished face Zewellger? (Yeah, I refuse to spell check that. Scew you, Squishy.) Not okay, Brad. Not okay.

Smurftastic - SOLID pick. He is actually my latest, and most intense, celebrity obsession. Mainly the addition of the floppy hair from The Hangover makes me super weak in the knees. 1) WHAT IS WRONG WITH FRATTY DUDES? And 2) how do you ditch Jen Aniston for Zelwegger, who is well past her adorable, not-creepily-skinny Jerry Maguire days? Could be sick in the head. Ugh.

KSquizz - In response to your BCoop response (yep, we are on a nickname basis in our imaginary relationship), I do have a special place in my heart for Fratty boys, but I require them to have a heart of gold. He might to Sack Lodgey in real life.

Smurftastic #9 = Lucas Johnson. Yes, I'll be ridiculously surprised (and impressed) if you've ever heard of him, but he used to play basketball for the Fighting Illini. He graduated my senior year of high school. Not a huge point scorer, but definitely the life and badass-ness of the team. My sister and I shared an obsession through his college career, culminating in me regularly buying him drinks at Kam's (home of the Drinking Illini) every time he comes back to campus to visit/score free drinks off of groupies like me (and my father... who buys him and his buddies beer by the pitcher). My senior year I made him hang out with the freshman girls from my sorority, and had the awkward "who is this guy?" chat with them, with him sitting right next to me. This obsession/mild stalking/crush has continued even past my college days, namely, when I venture back for Homecoming. I always said I wasn't truly a jersey-chaser in college, cause I really preferred the dudes who had already graduated. I have enclosed a picture for your reference, but really, the attitude is what I love. PS - his brother also played for U of I before I became a true fan = even hotter.
Smurftastic, keeping former college ball players relevant since 2001. http://www.fightingillini.com/sports/m-baskbl/mtt/johnson_lucas00.html

KSquizz - Rogue to pick a pseudo celeb who you have actually met, but I feel like that has probably made the obsession that much stronger. I can't wait until you guys get married and then have to get couples counseling because he sees this online. I know zip about him, but he seems like a giant, and you are so small so that makes me happy. Hopefully, he hasn't gotten the former athlete fats.

KSquizz #9 = Ryan Reynolds. I really did love him as snarky med student Berg [Ed note - 2 Guys and a Girl). Let's not lie. He is outrageously hot, and he has such range as an actor: wise ass college student, wise ass waiter, wise ass vampire slayer, and wise ass super hero. I would guess that Ryan Reynolds is a bit of a wise ass. But as long as he is shirtless in every role ever, he could be a wise ass plumber, and I would watch. I saw Blade Trinity in the theater for him, despite my undying hatred for Jessica Biel. There was a time where I believed I could actually date him because of the Alanis thing. Perhaps, he was a little bit blind? But now he is married to ScarJo. So much for that.

Smurftastic - Fact that he's Canadian = bonus points... He loses points because of the ScarJo thing (stripper lips and her in general turn me off), but I'd still hit it.

Smurftastic #8 = Donny Osmond. One of the first times I realized boys could be cute instead of just yucky was when I was approximately 8 years old and went to see him in Chicago in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. It wasn't him in the loincloth that did it, it was the picture in the playbook. I said something to the likes of "oh without the ridiculous hair he's way cute" to my mother or my sister or whoever was sitting by me. From there I was hooked on his Mormon goodness, and had officially entered the realm of having crushes on celebrities. I became obsessed with the Joseph soundtrack, and spent more than one summer watching the Donny & Marie talk show every single day. Then I was made aware of "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan, which became one of my favorite Disney songs of all time. I loved it to the point where my high school friend and I chanted "Mulan... Mulan" over and over again when we went to his concert (yes, concert) with my mother. Eff Puppy Love, I wanted him to be mysterious as the dark side of the moon. He didn't sing it [Ed note - sadface]. He and Marie were in Vegas over 09 spring break performing at the same hotel where we were staying and despite my constant begging, my friends wouldn't go (some friends, the sluts). That didn't stop my from posing for pictures in front of cardboard cutout promo pics of him. Now he's going to be on Dancing with the Stars, and judging by the cheesiness of his solo press picture and the energy of his first two dances, it's going to be awesome (or ridiculous, or both). The man isn't hot, per se, but he is way cute in a puppy dog (Puppy Love?) kind of way, and I love it. Plus he seems like a good person, which is nice balance to some of the sex fiends on this list.

KSquizz - I won't lie. I do not get the Donny Osmond thing. He looks like a human bobble-head doll to me. But I don't dislike him, I simply find him asexual.

KSquizz #8 = Keanu Reeves - So I obviously became aware of Keanu's existence when he created all that Oscar buzz as Ted "Theodore" Logan. He didn't do it for me then, though. He was a slacker, stoner kid, and that isn't so much my thing. Also, I was like 5, and most boys had cooties still. However, I am, however, attracted to multi-racial, cocky, bomber-stopping LA cops with surfer accents and a heart of gold so Keanu and I fell in love when he made Speed. Seriously, he is outrageously hot in that movie. I literally watched Speed two nights ago and was still completely into him. Since then, I have seen a significant portion of his work, and it has all delivered: Point Break, Dracula, The Devil's Advocate, Matrix, Constanine,Replacements, etc. (It probably helps that I enjoy fanboy type movies and never saw his misguided attempt at Shakespeare.) For me, he has stood the test of time. I don't know how but he has maybe aged 5 years in the 20 I have been aware of him. I get that his acting is not the greatest, and he is a joke to a solid percentage of the population, but I love him. I have read his wiki page more than once for fun. A sign of true love. To conclude this paragraph of devotion to "cool breeze over the mountains" (oh that is what Keanu means), I am linking you to this slideshow which features Keanu's acting range. Yeah it is making fun of him, but he still looks hot so it is win win. .http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2008/12/a_field_guide_to_the_complete.html

Smurftastic - Keanu - Point Break is one of the greatest movies ever made (read, Swayze obit), but I never truly found he was that hot till he was romancing Diane Keaton in Somethings Gotta Give. Sigh... when I'm old I want a hot doctor to fall for me. With floppy hair no less. Also...




Smurftastic #7 = Matthew Perry. Started the crush when he was Carol's BF Sandy on Growing Pains (even though he died in a drunk driving accident on what was, I’m sure “a very special episode” that parents should watch with their kids)... fully developed into Chandler obsession. Chandler Bing, though fictional, may be my ideal man. Cute, but not in an intimidating way, and sarcastic… but in a funny, not a mean way. OK it’s kind of mean, but it’s definitely funny. It is my personal goal for my sense of humor to be as much like Chandler’s as possible. Usually that just presents itself as me quoting him. A lot. Also, the way he proposed to Monica still makes me tear up and I've seen it WELL over 50 times. It's one of the two "perfect proposals for Smurftastic" on this list. [Ed note, see also #5, and if you put them together, she'll be yours forever.] My love for Chandler and all things Matthew Perry led me to watch Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip for it’s entirely too short run. That became, quite possibly, my favorite television show of all time, and Matt Albie’s head writer/exec producer was the perfect mix of wit and complications for a Sorkin drama. Perry seems an unlikely romantic leading man, but his role in Studio 60 solidified him for me. I now spend weekends creeping on him on IMDB and renting his latest indie flicks. I count the days till he makes his return to TV, if that ever happens. Not to mention the man is Canadian, and not only a tennis fan, but my understanding is that he’s also an excellent player. Sigh. Couldn’t be more perfect for Smurftastic….

KSquizz - I think you are right that Chandler Bing is the ideal man. He also strikes me as totally attainable which is something else. I also am a big fan of Fools Rush In, his chick flick with Salam Hayek. I will watch it every time it comes on TBS.

KSquizz #7 = Nathan Fillion - Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place was not all bad. (I am pretty sure the pizza place eventually got cut from the title- unimportant.) Not only did it lead to my discovery of Ryan Reynolds, another hot Canadian burst onto my scene, the lovely and talented, Nathan Fillion. Since then, he was on Buffy which means hecan do no wrong for me. If you can find any Sci-Fi enjoyable, you must watch Firefly/Serenity. His character may in fact be the perfect man, and completely cements Fillion as a crush-worthy actor. I am sure people who aren’t familiar with him will probably still recognize him as he pops up all over, most notably as the doctor who Felicity loves in Waitress and as Kate’s almost husband on Lost. He is currently the star of Castle, where he is snarky and awesome. Also, he sings and is hilarious as Captain Hammer in “Dr. Horrible’s Sing A Long Blog.” Never saw it? Go hulu it or download it on itunes, immediately. I will wait. (Three Joss Whedon shows and Lost? Yes, I am a nerd.) So his career appeals to me, obviously, but there is more. Nathan is like PRINCE CHARMING HANDSOME. Look at him. That jaw! Those eyes! Yum. He also manages to be adorable and lovable in everything he does. His characters, even when they are douche bags or bad guys, are likable or at least enjoyable to watch. My stalking has reached a new level now that I follow him on Twitter. (He is the only man on this list who holds that honor.) The “following”, which even sounds like stalking, has led to an even greater obsession because he is hilarious and sweet and likable. I now find myself constantly rooting for him to succeed. I am like doing PR for him for free. It’s love.

Smurftastic - I'm least familiar w/ him, but I watched 5 mins of Castle last night and found him adorable/riveting. Plus he's apparently friends with NPH. TOTAL BONUS. And Canadian. Additional bonus. Sidenote - the two who I follow on twitter thusfar are Donny, Jordan, and Matthew, in case you care.

Smurftastic #6 - JC Chasez, formerly of the band NSYNC, currently of the show “America’s Best Dance Crew,” permanently of my heart. Well done, MTV, for taking a show I’d never watch otherwise (and probably actively avoid), and put the high school love of my life on it for brief moments. Well done, JC, for having a career beyond the solo albums, and being a pretty great producer these days. My love for JC was borne out of 2 things: 1 – when I discovered NSYNC, I didn’t want to pick Justin as my favorite, because EVERYONE liked Justin. Every so often, I crave originality. 2 – on my NSYNC *N The Mix VHS (which I still have, obvi) and the Disney In-Concert special, JC came off as the most educated about the art of music as well as about the industry. He plays piano and creates jazz/classical versions of some NSYNC songs. My heart partially melted. Heart fully FULLY melted when I saw the NSYNC edition of the old VHI show “Before They Were Stars,” and they show JC’s Mickey Mouse Club audition video. Pretty much the cutest thing ever when tween aged JC sings Richard Marx’s Right Here Waiting for You. Then came Disney Channel re-airing the Mickey Mouse Clubs on a “Where’d you MMC them first” weekend (Featuring Justin, Britney, Christina, JC, Ryan Gosling, Keri Russel, etc). Just. Awesome. Not to mention JC has the dark hair green/blue eyes thing going for him. That’s my fave. Pretty sure there isn’t anything he could do to make me not love him, especially after that part of their No Strings Attached Concert DVD where they sing Digital Get Down. If you’ve ever spent more than 2 hours in my apartment, you probably know what it is. I’ve shown it to you. If not, you’re missing out. Also he’s pretty good friends with Chace Crawford (Gossip Girl’s Nate) now. That’s a lot of hotness to be present together. Just saying.

KSquizz - Oh how I once loved J.C. Chasez. He was my love on MMC. In fact, as I was writing my Ryan Gosling paragraph I had a moment where I remembered J.C singing "Right Here Waiting for You." Adorable. He was my favorite NSyncer, too. And I also owned/constantly watched NSYNC in the Mix and the Disney Channel Concert Special. J.C. and I broke up though when he launched his solo career. "Some Girls Dance with Women" Oh, J.C. Terrible. Also, he took on a pretty douchey personality/personal style for awhile when he was dating Eva Longoria. I couldn't take it. But I loved him once

Smurftastic - I'm not denying the album wasn't great. But I did buy it, the day it came out. Still sometimes listen to it. I'd still hit it, terrible music and debateable douchiness included.

KSquizz #6 = Ryan Gosling – The person who cast the new Mickey Mouse Club should win some sort of award. Timberlake, Britney, Aguilera, Russell, and the baby goose. He was adorable on the show though admittedly I loved J.C. more as a child. (I know, I could have picked a little better but he was cute! [Ed note - offended]) Still there was no denying that RG was a cutie and he has managed to stay that way. He also turned out to be arguably the most talented actor the MMC produced. I don’t see Timberlake or Spears with any Oscar nominations on their resume. I always knew he had it in him when I was watching that miserable fake SBTB on a cruise ship he was on as a teenager. Yep, that’s right a teen comedy on a cruise ship. And I watched it. He really was THAT cute. Gosling increased his acting cred and slowly grew into a serious adult hottie in things like Remember the Titans and Murder by Numbers (playing a hot serial killer- a hot serial killer? I may need therapy.) He even bagged himself a cougar during the latter project. Somehow his dating Sandra Bullock made him hotter to me like he was learning stuff…mmm…anyway. If you did not want him after The Notebook, well, I don’t know what to do with you. He was romantic, funny, bad ass, also his body in that?!?!?!....all in all generally totally bone-able (bonable?). He even made scruff hot, and I generally am anti-scruff. Since then he has gone on to be in ridiculously good movies, earned himself the a forementioned Oscar nomination and dated Rachel McAdams (a girl crush of mine) twice, all while appearing incredibly down to earth, hard-working, and likable. Your move, Timberlake.

Smurftastic - Weird that this pick is the same number as JC, the other MMCer on the list. Loved BabyGoose on MMC, particularly when he did those fake news reports, and that time he sang in a quartet with Justin, JC and the random black kid who's name I don't remember. They were wearing beigey-white VERY baggy clothes and it was HOTTTT. Also love him in Remember the Titans. Refuse to watch the Notebook on principle, but ONLY saw Murder by Numbers because of him. True story. Also a true story, I thought he was the same dude as the son from "The Nanny." For several years. This is what the world was like before IMDB.
OH AND LOOK WHAT I FOUND!




Smurftastic #5 - Devon Sawa. Though my love for him has diminished in intensity as of late (cause he’s not in much anymore), I will always credit him for being the dude to lead me into my boy crazy/Tiger Beat phase. I remember when we were scheduled to watch Casper in 6th grade, all of my friends were like “OMG WAIT TILL YOU SEE DEVON HE’S SO DREAMY!” I, till that point, had chosen to look at those boy crazy Jonathan Taylor Thomas fans with disdain. I was better than them because I stuck with more admirable pursuits than putting posters on my wall [Ed note - like playing pogs]. That was up until the scene where Casper became a real, live, HOT boy, who swept both Christina Ricci and myself of our respective feet. To this day, if a boy ever legitimately whispered “Can I keep you?” in my ears, I might literally die. I’d for sure accept a wedding proposal that featured it, in case you care. I then was sucked into the Tiger Beat firestorm. Devon was everywhere on my walls (along with a few JTT, and lots of Jonathan Brandis, who would be on this list, but for the fact that he’s no longer alive, [Ed note - pause while I pour one out for my SeaQuest homie]). After Casper, Devon had a fabulous role as Scott Wormer in Now & Then, possibly my favorite movie of tween-hood. Also if you pause it at the exact right spot during the skinny dipping scene, you can see his man-business. Devon had other roles littered with kickassery in Idle Hands, Little Giants, and Final Destination. He is still working, with 2 movies set to be released in 2009. Also, according to his most recent IMDB bio photo, he has aged quite well. http://www.imdb.com/media/rm3402729728/nm0001701

KSquizz - I loved Devon, too. A lot. He was adorable in all those movies. I saw Wild America in the theater, the epic tween film featuring Devon, JTT, AND Brian Littrel's future wife. The last thing I remember him doing was playing "Stan" in Eminem's video. He was in kind of an unattractive awkward stage in it. Glad to see he has grown out of it.

KSquizz #5 = Mark-Paul Gosselar – No shock here. Every girl in her twenties should be in love with MPG. Zack Morris and his dyed locks (sad face that he isn’t a natural blonde) stole the hearts of little girls everywhere. He was outrageously hot and the character was amazingly lovable, which if you think about it, is a testament to MPG’s acting skills because Zack could have potentially been douche if played wrong. Unlike some other teen idols of the day (see the Joe Mac v. Jordan Knight Debate), Mark-Paul owned the hearts of every Saved by the Bell fan. Have you ever met someone who thought Slater was hotter? No. You haven’t because no one in their right mind could ever feel that way. I have seen every Saved by the Bell episode featuring Zack. College years, Hawaiian style (which I own on vhs), even his cameos on the new class. He definitely struggled a little post SBTB, which made it hard to stick with him, but I continued to root for his hotness to succeed. He did a very standard teen idol thing at the time and played a rapist who attacked Candace Cameron Bure and Six from Blossom in a tv movie that I am sure they still run on Lifetime. He was pretty good playing a non-Zack in Dead Man on Campus. He played a straight man who was a gay porn star on Law & Order SVU.Seriously. Finally, he seemed to rise above the rest of his Saved bythe Bell cast (deservedly so) to become a legitimate actor and an apparent muse of Steven Bochco. He was good on NYPD Blue. He was GREAT on Commander in Chief. He is some of the good that keeps Raising the Bar from being BAD. He also wins at life for coming to terms with SBTB and appearing IN CHARACTER as Zack Morris on Jimmy Fallon. Love! Finally, he is the only person on this list I have ever actually seen in person and he was totally awesome. Note: Raising the Bar is written/produced by a former professor from Smurftastic’s and my law school. They had a legit premiere of the show featuring a Q&A by MPG at the school. At the end, as he was being pushed out the door by his biotchy PR girl, he stopped to take a picture with me even though the PR chick had already told everyone no. He even grabbed someone to take the pic. A celebrity who appreciates that the fans are the reason you are famous. LOVE!

Smurftastic - sigh, he made my honorable mention - let's talk about MPG's visit to the school. I bought a new camera (henceforth known as Zack Morris camera), curled my hair, wore skinny jeans and heels, and anyone who knows me knows that getting me out of a hoodie and sneaks is a rare feat. I almost got into a car accident when my friend told me he was coming to the school. I then called no fewer than 10 of my friends and family to relay my excitement via screaming and lots of "OH MY GOD"s. Much like Ferris Bueller, Zack was a childhood hero. Unlike Ferris, I also lusted after him. I had a "SBTB Wedding in Las Vegas party" in Summer of 2008. I served champagne. I also watch Raising the Bar and think it is awesome. MPG, in my opinion, hotter with dark hair.

Smurftastic #4 - Harrison Ford. By far the elder statesman of this esteemed compilation, Harrison Ford grabbed my attention the very first time I saw Raiders of the Lost Ark. Sigh. He’s so dreamy. Then I saw Star Wars. Also dreamy (worse hair and fedora-less, but still dreamy). Both characters had a wit and disdain about them that I was extremely attracted to (chicks like mean D-bags, what can I say?). Harrison is yet another that has aged very VERY well, from the Fugitive through Air Force One. I’ll see pretty much anything he’s in (including Hollywood Homicide. In the theaters. On opening day. Shudder). Yes, I still think he is hot. I actually liked (though not as much as the previous 3) the new Indiana Jones’ movie. I am even willing to put up with the fact that he now has an earring and is engaged to Ally McBeal. I will love him forever. He is to me as Paul Newman was to my mom.

KSquizz - He is EPIC. He is starting to look a little old, but only justa little. I am VERY anti him and Callista though. Yick.

KSquizz #4 = Leonardo DiCaprio - Honestly, if he didn’t appear on this list it would be a shame, but he dropped a little bit from his original ranking. I, like so many, did love him as the adorable homeless kid Mike Seaver saves on Growing Pains. His character was essentially supposed to be the new likable Mike Seaver since Kirk Cameron decided to find God and lose evolution. And truly, Leo did it better. That is how you knew he was going to be huge. Though despite his best efforts (Gilbert Grape), he was dragged into the teen idol realm for a long time. I like so many other teenaged girls spent hundreds of dollars I wish I had back on teen magazines to paper the walls of my room with pictures of the Backstreet Boys, Nsync, and Leonardo Dicaprio. I saw Titanic for my 14th Birthday party. He was a legit, modern Beatle [Ed note - offended]. Liking Leo at that time was a guilty pleasure for me. I was actually mildly ashamed of it then because SO MANY people were obsessed with him, but still he graced my walls with excuses like “Oh well, he looks hot in that one so I hung it.” Meanwhile, I was watching Romeo and Juliet and Titanic and secretly hoping he would find me and, despite our 9 year age gap, want to marry me. I was a 15 year old judging myself for loving him. That’s how popular he was. But then he completely justified my love for him by making totally legit movies and becoming a hot man. Gangs of New York! Catch Me If You Can! The Departed!!!! Are you kidding me? !!! How awesome an actor do you have to be to steal scenes from Nicholson? Someone please give this man an Oscar! Also, the hottest he has ever been in a film. There are more, like Blood Diamond, and I am dying to see Shutter Island, but you get the picture. He rules. He is occasionally photographed with his hot foreign supermodel of the moment girlfriend appearing kind of chunky, but I can totally forgive him a belly. He is still ridiculously handsome. He is another one with great eyes. Add in the fact that my number one ultimate girlcrush, Kate Winslet, has professed her undying love for Leo as a person. Well, he gets continuous love from me, pretty much forever.

Smurftastic - Sigh... I never fully got on the Leo train. His hot/adorableness peaked for me on Growing Pains. I find him attractive, and incredibly talented, but I don't stalk. He's all yours.

Smurftastic #3 = Hugh Grant - Surprisingly, he's the only British or accented dude on my list. That is unexpected, as people with British, Irish, and/or Australian accents are better than regular people in almost all situations. Believe it or not, Hugh first arrived on my radar at around the same time the "picking up a hideous prostitute named Devine" scandal broke. Yet I stuck by him/continually defend him to my mother [Ed note - IT WAS 14 YEARS AGO, LET IT GO!]. Was it the floppy hair? Probably not, I like him better without it. The puppy dog droopy eyes? Maybe. The accent? Definitely had a part in it. But what keeps me coming back for more with good old Hugh is his biting wit, and the fact that he makes fun of pretty much everyone. That, and I think I’m secretly destined to marry a bumbling Brit. I even watched American Dreamz and found it less than horrific (Dennis Quaid certainly didn't hurt either). Hugh's early work (eg Four Weddings and a Funeral) is not my favorite of his, but his roles in 4 of my favorite movies EVER (Bridget Jones' Diary, About a Boy, Two Weeks Notice, and Love Actually) will keep him high atop my most dateable celebrities list from years to come. No matter how many times he "unretires" from acting or romantic comedies, I won't get frustrated. The man has an accent and a sense of humor. Plus he went to Oxford. He’s smart, and he doesn’t often deal with bullshit from the press. He's like my kryptonite, hooker loving or not. Plus, according to his Wikipedia page, he’s not dating anyone seriously. [Ed note - AHEM. Neither am I. AHEM.] On a creepy note… the look he gets in his eyes right before he’s about to have that perfect kiss with his leading lady at the end of his movies just might be the sexiest thing ever. EVER.

KSquizz - Hugh Grant is not my favorite. I actually would choose Colin Firth if I were living a real life Bridget Jones love triangle. However, his prime minister in Love Actually is adorable. I especially love his dance scene. And you can't go wrong with British accents.

Smurftastic - HAVE YOU SEEN COLIN FIRTH KISS A WOMAN IN THE MOVIES? AWKWARD. FACE. EATER. Otherwise, yeah he'd probably be on here. But he looks like a Disney Prince slash chiropractor.

Ksquizz #3 - Joshua Jackson. The Mighty Ducks may be the greatest children’s movie of all time. I think we can all agree that it is probably top 5. Say what you want about the sequels, I also love them. There are two reasons those movies stand the test of time with our generation: 1) Emilio, and 2) adorable little Joshua Jackson. Though my crush was firmly placed on Adam Banks in those movies, Charlie held a special place in my 9 year old heart. But Joshua Jackson’s career was not over and neither were his plays for my affection. Because Joshua Jackson is also Pacey Witter. That’s right, Super Hot, Smart Ass, Banging a Teacher, Kind of a Jerk, but with a heart of gold, PaceyWitter. He played the absolute perfect character for me to fall in love with as a teenager. If you were on Team Dawson while you watched Dawson’s Creek, I am judging you. Right now, judged. Even the writers ended up on Team Pacey! He got the girl!!! (In real life too,before Tom Cruise. Nice work, Josh.) Now, he is on Fringe which appeals to all my nerdy sensibilities and is pretty successful. I am pretty convinced Joshua Jackson is the new George Clooney. They have a similar look and attitudes. Funny, a little bit sneaky, and handsome. Check the poker scene in Ocean’s Eleven which they are both in, you will see it. Plus, both started out on a popular chick shows. Reappeared on popular prime time dramas. Soon Joshua will be a big time movie star with an Italian villa. You’ll see. And I will still love him then because ducks fly together.

Smurftastic - see my #1. I was on team Dawson, mainly because NO ONE DATES SPAZZWAY BUT ME. Also, back off. Because I will cut you for him.

Smurftastic #2 = Jordan Knight - Formerly and currently of New Kids on the Block (alias NKOTB). Jordan is by far the longest of my long term crushes, and has the honor of being the only guy on this list I owned a doll of (yes, I had the NKOTB dolls. Sometimes used for NKOTB fun, most often used as the male characters when I played Full House with my Barbies. Jordan was always Steve, because I wanted to be DJ). I picked him out of New Kids glory when I was 4 or 5 and my sister was the avid NKOTB fan. I believe the impetus was that Donny (at the time my favorite) had grown a rat-tail and Jordan got rid of his. I’m proud to have been anti rat-tail even in the late 80s before it was cool. Jordan’s falsetto has been melting my heart ever since. After NKOTB broke up, I felt something missing in my life… an emptiness. But Jordan came roaring back with the erotically charged “Give it to You” and a full solo album, and TOURED WITH NSYNC on the Boys of Summer Tour. Worlds colliding in the very very best way. More proof that he’s the one for me. He’s still adorable, can still dance, and still has mad pipes. NKOTB reunited in 2008, and reclaimed my heart. My love for Jordan clearly has legs and will be around for a long, long time. Someday I’ll simultaneously teach my children about the benefits of having “the Right Stuff” and the pitfalls of rat-tails.

KSquizz - Jordan was my favorite new kid, and he still is. I saw that boys of summer tour he did with NSYNC. I lost track of him though, I must admit. He has managed to remain pretty hot though. Good for him

KSquizz #2 = Gavin Rossdale. I know Gavin Rossdale is a rogue choice especially so high on the list, but he has been someone I have consistently lusted after since the 5th grade. And overall, I think he may be the absolutely hottest guy on this list. It definitely helps that he wrote and sang some of my favorite songs of my middle school career. I heard Swallowed on the radio the other day and blasted it as loud as it would go [Ed note - that's what she said]. Something about him is just sexier to me than most of the guys on this list. I am sure the musician thing is helping. I KNOW the British thing is helping. Accents are delicious. The fact that he hasn’t changed at all in the 15 years I have loved him probably helps. Additionally, I know he makes some adorable babies and is married to one of my all time girl crushes(which helps a dude’s cred on this list). He also doesn’t seem to mind at all that his wife is currently more famous than him. He just remains incredibly cool and chills with Roger Federer. I just LOVE Gavin. I really liked his last album, and I kept hoping for it to be huge commercially. I also keep hoping he will break out as an actor,which he may. He was really good as a demon in Constantine. I am even going to dvr his ass on Criminal Minds this season. I could make some dorky joke about my love for Gavin remaining the same, but I won’t. He is far too cool for that.

Smurftastic - He's cute, and British, I can't fault you for that. And that's all I have to say about that (she types while thinking in a Forrest Gump accent)

Smurftastic #1 - JOSHUA JACKSON. My love for Josh began in 1992 with a little movie called The Mighty Ducks. Charlie Conway skated into my heart as the somewhat bumbling, yet tender and passionate leader of a team of economically disadvantaged young hockey players. He made Gordon Bombay CARE about his team, and changed the face of motion pictures as we know it. Josh was back in D2 with a haircut that made him even cuter, and with D3, we got to see him grow before our very eyes. Joshua was the SOLE reason I started watching Dawson’s Creek, and the scene in the detention episode of the first season (see below) is one of my most treasured in television history. Throughout the shows run, I very rarely called him Pacey, instead referring to him as Charlie, even though Pacey was my favorite character. I passionately hated any woman he dated on the show, because IT SHOULD BE ME. He had some great roles in movies like Cruel Intentions, The Skulls, Bobby and Urban Legend, and returned to television in 2008 on the Fox show “Fringe.” Prior to Fringe, Joshua was my most frequently IMDBed actor, because I couldn’t wait to see what the Duck’s captain would come up with next. He is Canadian (bonus), and always plays rather witty characters. I love him. I will always love him. I will see pretty much anything he is in. He is currently dating Diane Kruger. I hate her. I don’t want to wait for our lives to be over before he falls in love with me. Will it be yes or will it be... sorry?

QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, QUACK GOOOOOOOOOO DUCKS!




KSquizz - Joshua Jackson almost overtook Gavin Rossdale to make it to my #2. Heis simply the new George Clooney. Mark my words!
Smurftastic - again, back off. I will cut you.


KSquizz #1 = DEREK JETER – Gavin lost his original spot as number one on this list when I decided that an athlete counted and that there is no person I have been devoted to as obsessively in my whole life as Derek Jeter. He first appeared as a Yankee in 1995, but his 1996 season was when I and the rest of the world took notice. I have loved him as a fan since he became the Yankees everyday shortstop, but he managed to cement that love by signing a personalized autograph to me when I was in 6th grade and spelled my name correctly without prompting. It doesn’t take much for a superstar to get a 12 year old to love him. Since then I have been envisioning scenarios where I would meet him and we would fall in love. At 15, I was still picturing him stopping baseball games in the 7th inning to propose. No lie. I still find myself plotting how I am going to get invited to a Turn 2 Foundation event, because that is all it will take, obviously. Derek and I have had our rough patches, particularly his dating of Mariah Carey and Jessica Biel- VOMIT. But we have managed to make it through. I am somehow dealing with rumors he is engaged to his new girlfriend. Some chick on Friday Night Lights who my boyfriend calls the hottest woman on television. I can deal as long as it isn’t Mariah, Madonna, or Kate Hudson. (Gross, A-rod. Gross.) What else is there to say? I mean, you may hate the Yankees, but there is no denying the man is hot. His skin is perfect. He has a great smile. He is an athlete so his body is sick, particularly his very nice ass. He has a solid relationship with his family. He is serious, but not so much that he won’t make a joke at his expense. He is also the epitome of class and professionalism in my favorite sport that has taken some really terrible blows the last few years. My level of obsession would probably frighten him in real life, but it is definitely the most serious long term celebrity crush I have had in my whole life. And it isn’t going anywhere.

Smurftastic - Non NYer here, but HE'S BEEN ON THE TEAM SINCE 95?!?!?!?!?!?!? Eesh, I am behind in the times. He's cute, proves funny at times, and is in commercials with Roger Federer. Plus he's not A-Rod, so he has that goin' for him. Me lusting after him would require me spending FAR too much time with Yankee fans to be worth it (no offense). Athletes are always respectable picks, nonetheless. In 1 year, David Beckham will be eligible to be on this list, and will most likley be added, so I see where you are coming from.
So that's it. Sorry it was so long, but we are passionate about our stalking. Let us know what you think and who your long term crushes are in the comments.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

2009 Emmy's Live Thoughts

Present for this live blog = J-bone, Smurftastic and Gingerette.
Occasionally submitting comments via electronic media = Smurftastic’s sister and KSquizz.

Would like to kick this off by saying I’m creepily excited because of NPH hosting. I swear he could do nothing but make Taylor Swift cry and it will still be infinitely better than the “reality host” debacle of last year. He is wearing a white tuxedo jacket with black pants, and this will not be the first time tonight that I lament the fact that the man is gay. Do you think he’d be down to hang out if I got a sex change? I’D DO IT FOR NPH!

My over under bet for Kanye West jokes is 5. KSquizz thinks three, sister thinks 8. AND THAT’S ONE. Tracey Morgan did not think it was funny. They are dividing the show based on genre. I’m pretty exciteddddddddddd… so I don’t get stuck with a whole 2 hours in the middle of shitty cinematography jokes.

Kicking things off with comedy. I’m predicting 30 Rock to win big, but I NEED to see NPH take home a trophy. Of course in the montage they have Jon Hamm cause he’s too good for just drama. I could spread him on a cracker. The glasses theme for the best supporting actress nominees is pretty ridiculous. Big ups to Vanessa Williams for bucking the trend. Kristen Chenoweth wins. Whatever. She’s cute. Her show was cancelled. The tears are excessive. I’m uncomfortable. Moving on.

This breakthrough performance award thing (online vote) seems interesting. I like both Chuck & Blair and the Kris Allen. Eff True Blood. I’m so over this vampire trend. HIMYM presenters. The ladies’ post baby bods look good. Outstanding writing. Boring. 30 Rock. One of my favorite parts of NPH hosting is that he mocks his own terrible jokes. NPH’s award is up. I want NPH to win, but I’d be quite happy with either of the 30 Rock or Rainn Wilson. Jon Cryer wins. I hate America for liking Two and a Half Men so much. Rethink your lives. I mean I love Ducky, don’t get me wrong. But I’m displeased.

Just flipped to NFL Sunday Night Football in the commercial and saw my first ad for the Vancouver Winter Olympics. My heart is warmed.

Justin Timberlake makes an appearance. My uterus skipped a beat. He’s basically describing me as the girl who all guys dream about. Why thank you, Justin. I feel the same about you. Also, congrats on letting the curls grow back. HUGSIES. Best comedic actress. Clearly Tina Fey will win. UPSET - Toni Collette takes it home for United States of Tara. It’s supposed to be great, but I don’t get premiere cable. So whatever.

Steve Carell looks foxy tonight. Just saying.

ROB LOWE. Yummy. He gets more dreamy with time. Best actor in a comedy. I’m hoping Steve Carell takes it home. But I do love Alec Baldwin. And Jermaine Clement. No surprise Baldwin wins. Jack Donaghey is my ideal boss.

Shifting to reality genre. If they don’t show a clip from Real Housewives of NJ, I’ll be WAY upset. CAROLINE! Theresa! I LOVE THAT SHOW. Maksim and Karina from DWTS perform. I freaking love Maksim. In agreement with KSquizz = AWKWARD. They used to be engaged. And as of mere days ago, they are no longer. Nothing to write home about, honestly. Jeff Probst wins for best host. Apparently they still air Survivor. Way to congratulate NPH, because you did a HORRIBLE job last year.

Tracey Morgan arrives. He is apparently sober now. I’m not thrilled. Amazing Race wins best competition series. Whatever. It’s no Project Runway, American Idol, or DWTS.

Miniseries. I have seen 0. Whatevz. Signing off sesh till something interesting happening.

KSquizz question of the commercial break: “True or False: You would act as a surrogate for NPH and his partner?” Gingerette and I are a RESOUNDING yes. Sister is a “no.” Not the first time I have judged her during this telecast, and it won’t be the last.

I really love that in his intros, this guy is only picking rogue roles that no one remembers instead of what they are known for. BIG FAN. Patricia Arquette looks like complete garbage. That dress is an embarrassment.

Jessica Lange has aged well. This needs to speed up. I’m getting grumpy.

OK moving into Variety. So shit I actually watch and isn’t lame. Sorry miniseries and TV movies, but you suck at life.

BRIAN WILLIAMS SIGHTING. I LOVE HIM SOO MUCH.

Really happy MotherLover got nommed. Here’s Ricky Gervais, just generally being awesome. As per usual. Jon Stewart gives NPH mad props. I love them both so much, but the edge in awesome goes to NPH, obvs. KSquizz: “Wow. Ricky Gervais wins at presenting.” Indeed, KSquizz, indeed.

Finally up to the drama category. Meaning we’re through the dragging middle part, and I’m that much closer to being able to go to bed.

DEAD PEOPLE MONTAGE! Sung along with by Sarah Mclachlan’s “I will remember you.” I get it, but will this song never die? It’s not a high school graduation. It’s a dead people montage. The song almost ruined it for me. Didn’t tear up till Paul Newman, Michael Jackson, and Swayze. Sigh. Rough year for celebrity deaths. KSquizz comments: “I wish Jimmy Fallon was in the death montage.” My response: “I wish that song was in the montage and never heard again.” KSquizz: “I think I am going to use ‘I wish they were in the death montage at the next award show’ as another way to express my hatred of things.” Good idea.

Glenn Close wins. Makes me want to watch Damages. Kind of. But after Glee, Community, Gossip Girl and Melrose Place… I’m pretty sure I don’t have room to take on any new TV shows this season.

Final awards of the night. I’m predicting 30 Rock and Mad Men. Bob Newhart is one adorable old man. I like all of the comedic nominees, but have never seen Weeds. 30 Rock wins, no surprise, and well deserved. True Blood wins the breakthrough award. DIE IN A FIRE VAMPIRES. Ugh so overexposed. Mad Men wins. Good show. KSquizz wins the Kanye joke bet with the final count at 3. Congrats. I’m signing off. NIGH NIGH.

Monday, September 14, 2009

RIP, Johnny/Bodhi/Vida/Sam

1952-2009

Guest Entry #2, Kanye Response

Below is a response from another new contributor, KSquizz. Get ready to see her featured more, in some more lighthearted fare. (I promise we won't rant forever). Enjoy.

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While my fellow pop culture pundits have taken to the interwebs to express their shock and anger at the ridiculous display of douchebaggery that was Kanye West at these most recent VMAs, I am here to attack the issue from another angle.

I was incredibly angry last night watching a man in his 30s rip the microphone out of the hands of a teenaged girl who was probably experiencing one of the happiest and most exciting moments of her life. He completely ruined her moment because he was drunk (or my guess pretending to be drunk), and he thought Beyonce should have won.
Looking at it a day later, my view is that Kanye West may be the most pathetic human being on the Earth.

This is nothing new for West. He is pretty much a guarantee to rush the stage at any award show he attends if the producers make the mistake of awarding musical acts they believe are the best rather than stroking Kanye’s gigantic ego or having the audacity not to agree with his very limited musical tastes. West seems to ignore the fact that Taylor Swift’s latest effort is the biggest selling album of the year. Beyonce’s album sold 1.3 million copies less than Taylor’s. Swift also outsold West by 2.1 million copies. Kanye may think he is a “glitch in the matrix” showing the world that awards are going to the unworthy, but he is just not in touch in reality. He simply cannot believe that the public could disagree with his musical tastes and preferences.

Many blogs and commenters have attacked West’s outbursts as being motivated by racism and sexism. West has made some pretty ridiculous comments in the past that would lead any literate human being to believe that he is in fact both a racist and a sexist POS, but I honestly don’t think his outburst was motivated by any sort of hate belief system.

Kanye West is a narcissist and delusional. He stormed that stage like he storms every other because he legitimately thinks that 1) his opinion matters above all others, and 2) that the public ACTUALLY wants to see and hear from him. It’s actually sad. Perhaps it is our culture that builds celebrities up to thinking that their opinions somehow outrank the opinions of the masses or the educated because so often celebrities take stances and are allowed to speak to millions on subjects that should not be tackled by people with little to no education (Angelina Jolie and Ashton Kutcher come to mind).

However, West has nowhere near the kind of A list fame where his outbursts can be blamed on the public caring too much. Turns out, we don’t care, Kanye. His outbursts, therefore, can only be blamed on mental illness. I imagine he actually sits in his mansion, awkwardly next to oft-naked Amber Rose trying not to touch her, imagining millions of people in the outside world doing nothing but listening to his music and discussing him, hoping and praying Kanye will grace them with a word.

Meanwhile Kanye, in the real world, you aren’t really that famous. Sure, you have fans, but you are at best a C List celebrity. Gays and teenaged girls rule the world and decide who is famous. It is a simple fact of celebrity. You don’t appeal to them. So the people of the world continue their lives, worried about their futures in this economy and spending the little disposable income they have on Taylor Swift or Beyonce’s music. ( I mean I look for jobs while belting out “You Belong with Me” on a pretty much daily basis.)

Kanye is also sad and pathetic because he legitimately believes himself to be brave for gracing the world with the gift of his outbursts without realizing that he only goes on these tirades when he is attacking someone he views as defenseless or unlikely to give him shit for what he is doing. Pink was on the Today show this morning and said that she did not believe he would have rushed the stage if she had won. I agree. Pink would have punched him in the face without hesitation. He is a big tough man when rushing the stage and snatching microphone from a 90 pound teenaged girl. If Pink had won, he would have taken one look at that tiny ball of lightning and stayed firmly planted in his seat. Then, he would have simply taken to his blog and bitched about how BEYONCE WAZ ROBBED BUT PINK IS STIL MAD GUD. GO ON GRRL!!! J West would not want to anger Pink because unlike Swift who said little about the subject and was obviously shaken, Pink would have made the grown man cry. I mean, would you mess with Pink?

Finally, Kanye is pathetic because he believes he was in the right. After he got his and his girlfriend’s giant asses kicked out of the awards, he did the only thing he could do, “apologize” without actually being sorry or saying he was wrong in ALLCAPS. HE IS SOOOOOOO SORRY BUT BEYONCE DESERVED IT AND HE IS REAL. How is that an apology? It just continues to insult Swift and her fans. Kanye believes he can insult all these people because he is simply better than them and people love him. No one loves you, Kanye. You are a sad, little man. You are an embarrassment to your late mother, who was an educated English professor.
Unfortunately, Kanye is getting exactly what he wants. This is the first time I have thought about Kanye West for more than 30 seconds since Hurricane Katrina. He occasionally crosses my mind when I see pictures of his beard, the outrageous Amber Rose, dressed up in dental floss. I think we can all agree that their relationship is nothing more than a desperate cry for publicity.

Congratulations Kanye, your desperate need for attention has made you infamous. Like a bratty child, you have obviously decided that negative attention is better than none at all. You have joined the infamous ranks of ODB and Soy Bomb, oh and Lil Mama (who rushed the stage during Jay Z and Alicia Key’s snoozefest VMA closing performance).


Is it me or does she look like a kid posing with the wax figures at Madame Tussauds?

Believing that West is just a desperate, pathetic loser dying for his name to get into the news at the expense of a talented young woman, I vote that we officially turn our backs on the KING OF THE CAPS LOCK KEY. He is like a child screaming and throwing a temper tantrum in a toy store. If we simply turn around and ignore his screams, maybe he will calm down and go away. Ignoring him and making him less famous is the only way to truly get to West. Hopefully, the public will ignore him enough that he is forced to get a real job and live in the real world. And then hopefully, his ass gets fired for using CAPS LOCK in company emails. (http://consumerist.com/5350635/new-zealand-woman-fired-after-sending-too-many-all+caps-e+mails)

Thanks for the time!

xoxo,
KSquizz

Guest entry #1, Kanye response... UPDATED

Below is a response from a first-time contributor, CaliCoop. This has not been edited or toned down upon reciept. It is probably in everyone's best interest not to mess with her. You'll see...

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First, I’d like to thank Smurftastic for allowing me to guest blog on this particularly poignant topic. Now onto the goods …

Dear Kanye:

While I’d certainly be glad to admit that your first two albums weren’t the most horrible things ever to grace my inner ear, this will be a far cry from pointing out just your amazing fall from fame … although I must point out your free fall on Forbes Most Powerful Celebrities List from 27 in 2008 to 46 in 2009, while Taylor has gone from unranked to 69. Whether you are a country music fan or not the presence of Taylor Swift in music is undeniable. No album has had the staying power on the Billboard 200 for more weeks since 1999-2000 (years before Kanye released his first album) than Taylor’s Fearless album. Her second album, Fearless, recorded the largest opening in 2008 for ANY female artist, and only fourth behind Lil’ Wayne, AC/DC and Coldplay … again, no Kanye. Not to mention she is absolutely adorable and much too young to have to deal with some douche bag stealing her thunder.

Just because your music sucks and no one gives a flying sh*t if you live to make another song or not does not mean you need to ruin everyone else’s life in the meantime. Some musicians are STILL actually making good music … deal with it! And what kind of prick ruins a 19 year old girl’s first VMA Award EVER!?! You strut around acting like you are some kind of charitable person minus your outrageous tirades and obvious inability to accept others, when in fact the charity that you yourself started in the name of your mother you have donated less than a million dollars to … when you make over 25 MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR?! What kind of cheap bastard are you?!

With that, I’ll end with this for now … you are and forever will be #1 on my die in a fire list until you somehow make amends for your absolutely outrageous conduct and by no means does posting some half-hearted apology on your blog count towards anything. You are scum of the earth and the reason why there is still so much hatred towards people that are different, if you are so full of yourself that you are incapable of politely sitting in your seat while a 19 year girl accepts her first VMA I truly hope you are never in a position to need any kind of assistance or acceptance by someone who finds you different, because it is at that moment you MAY realize the ignorance and absolute ridiculousness of your ways and actually become a real man, until then find the nearest bridge and take a jump … no one will miss your tirades and your best music is already left for those of us who can still stand the sound of your voice to enjoy.

Thanks very much,
CaliCoop

PS - and how could I forget … why is it after failing to win a VMA for yourself in 2006 and 2007 and vowing to never return to the VMAs ever again are you still back every year?! Is it because you are such a bitter jerk that you have stooped to the level of raining on the parade of those actually talented enough to win?! Or possibly that even though you’ll never actually win yourself, especially because your albums are now a shameful excuse for music, you love the possibility of even a second of air time even on an overhead shot of the audience because you’re a total attention whore whose music has failed to satisfy his thirst for publicity for years now. Oh why on earth could we have not been so lucky for you to have actually kept your promise …

Dear Kanye, WTF?

So this rant will be short, but not so sweet, and possibly will be continued by some guest bloggers. For those of you who still pay attention to such things as the VMAs (or watch the news), you know that Kanye West stormed the stage during Taylor Swift's acceptance speech for Best Female Music video last night, took the mic from her, and said that Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time (she was also nominated but didn't win). He was booed and later kicked out of the show (his performance was cancelled as well), and Beyonce, after winning Video of the Year, called Taylor back onstage to "have her moment" (= mad class) Here are my brief thoughts.



Dear Kanye:


WTF, dude? Why do you even care? Are you and Beyonce friends? Cause it seems like she was pretty pissed at you. What happened to you, man? Did you realize that after your first two albums, which I own and love, your music started to get lame? Is this some desperate attempt to stay relevant? Your douchiness used to be kind of funny, but when it humiliates a 19 year old girl during one of the most exciting moments of her life, that crosses a line. Maybe you should work instead on making music that shows your producing talent that was so evident on "College Dropout" and "Late Registration" which is ever so lacking now. Maybe you should work on dating someone who is not (I'm pretty sure), a dude.


We know you have a vendetta against country music, as evidenced when you lost out on an award to Carrie Underwood and had a fit, but don't fault these girls for having crossover appeal which you, apparently, are jealous of. That was not classy, or funny, and it made someone who used to be one of your biggest fans (me), not even want to listen to your old stuff that I loved so much. I get that not everyone likes country, its fine. But don't blatantly hurt feelings just for attention. Get over yourself.


Yours Truly,
Smurftastic, disappointed former fan


PS - Shaving designs in your head is SOOOOO VANILLA ICE. And he did it better.
PPS - Big ups to Beyonce and MTV for handling the situation gracefully