What follows is an actual instant messenger conversation in which a movie was basically written. Try not to steal it. Because it WILL win the oscar. Enjoy.
Tex (1:55:03 PM): ok, i have a movie idea
Tex (1:55:15 PM): Smurftastic is... THE DIVORCE PLANNER
Smurftastic (2:05:44 PM): but that requires me to get married
Smurftastic (2:05:51 PM): whilst my true plan is just to get rich
Smurftastic (2:06:10 PM): and that have a HUGE party in which i wear a white dress, there is open bar, and we do the electric slide
Tex (1:55:38 PM): not really
Tex (1:55:46 PM): you can just plan each of my divorces for me
Tex (1:56:04 PM): Tex is a thrice-divorced attorney, living in new york
Tex (1:56:18 PM): he just got married and this time, he wants to make sure he gets his divorce right
Smurftastic (2:06:43 PM): and to avoid getting assraped by the Mrs.
Smurftastic (2:07:02 PM): he hires a spunky, talented, yet socially troubled law school buddy to help him w/ the prenup
Smurftastic (2:08:05 PM): it'll make you laugh, cry, and question your alcohol tolerance.
Tex (1:58:02 PM): and... we have our tagline
Tex (1:58:20 PM): you'll fall in love... before quickly falling out of love again
Smurftastic (2:08:35 PM): cultures clash as a corn fed alci from the midwest tries to navigate the complicated lovelife from a transplanted texan
Tex (2:00:14 PM): oh yes, it's the wedding planner meets fear and loathing in las vegas
Smurftastic (2:11:07 PM): does that make me j-lo? cause i need a bigger ass
Tex (2:01:05 PM): no no, that makes you mescalin
Smurftastic (2:12:27 PM): ps the movie will be rated R for male nudity, general profanity, multiple strip club scenes, and substance abuse
Tex (2:04:59 PM): the strip clubs in the movie will be called "The Penetration Station" and "The Hot Box"
Smurftastic (2:15:19 PM): can i drop out now and start writing?
Tex (2:05:14 PM): i already did
Smurftastic (2:16:48 PM): who should play you? or are we being damon-affleck about this?
Tex (2:07:02 PM): well, unless we are making a horror movie i probably shouldn't be the lead
Tex (2:07:06 PM): owen wilson
Tex (2:07:13 PM): because of the broken nose and he's from texas
Smurftastic (2:19:55 PM): i call reese witherspoon
Smurftastic (2:22:48 PM): also she's cute
Smurftastic (2:23:04 PM): hmmmmmmmmmm... who else could play me - if we are thinking divorce and disaster.... Britney?
Smurftastic (2:23:09 PM): but i don't like fried chicken that much
Tex (2:13:07 PM): i need a real bitch
Tex (2:13:12 PM): like the chick in saving silverman
Tex (2:13:29 PM): who would be a great bitch?
Smurftastic (2:25:45 PM): um. me.
Tex (2:15:36 PM): no way
Smurftastic (2:25:54 PM): plus it'd be fun to win an oscar
Smurftastic (2:26:02 PM): for both actress and screenplay
Smurftastic (2:26:34 PM): your wife will be....................
Smurftastic (2:27:11 PM): bridget moynahan
Smurftastic (2:27:16 PM): tainted goods w/ brady baby
Smurftastic (2:27:40 PM): so i can try and navigate the agreement so you still get brady's chiuld support money after you dump the bitch
Smurftastic (2:28:02 PM): which may lead to a scene in which i seduce brady (played by him) - to get him to agree to it
Smurftastic (2:30:24 PM): wife must be brunette so as to clash w/ my blonde ambition
Tex (2:20:45 PM): or my first wife was blonde, my second was a redhead, and now this new wife is a brunette
Tex (2:20:50 PM): there's a joke right there
Smurftastic (2:31:28 PM): I was your first wife... so there's drama w/ the divorce there
Smurftastic (2:31:51 PM): and i took so much from you that i sort of grew a conscience and want to prevent it from happening to you again
Smurftastic (2:32:11 PM): PLUS conflict of interest in that i don't want this new brunette bitch taking a percentage of my alimony
Smurftastic (2:32:15 PM): man this is getting complicated
Tex (2:22:21 PM): writing an oscar-winner is never easy
Tex (2:23:10 PM): but most importantly it can't have a happy ending
Tex (2:23:17 PM): the last scene must be me divorcing bridget
Smurftastic (2:33:37 PM): no not at all
Smurftastic (2:33:50 PM): NO the unhappy ending is that you paid so much in legal fees
Smurftastic (2:33:55 PM): but then stay happily married
Smurftastic (2:34:07 PM): you have a ball and chain forever
Smurftastic (2:34:12 PM): (insert ball joke here)
Tex (2:23:58 PM): we just wrapped up the entire male ages 13-200 demographic
Smurftastic (2:34:22 PM): and tom brady wraps up the chicks
Smurftastic (2:34:42 PM): literally
Smurftastic (2:34:43 PM): ZING
Tex (2:25:52 PM): bridget's character's name? monica scarpelli
Tex (2:30:35 PM): i bet this is how good will hunting was started
Tex (2:30:46 PM): well, this conversation + truckloads of douchebaggery
Tex (2:34:04 PM): this conversation will become a class at the USC film school some day
Smurftastic (2:45:01 PM): i should post it on my blog
Smurftastic (2:45:06 PM): so studios can start reading about it and raising money
Smurftastic (2:45:18 PM): FUCK YOU WRITERS STRIKE ... we have tex and smurftastic
Tex (2:35:07 PM): yeah, we need to start thinking about capital
Tex (2:42:29 PM): ok, so we have our primary cast
Tex (2:42:36 PM): what is the main obstacle for the movie in general
Smurftastic (2:56:10 PM): giving up your playboy lifestyle to settle down w/ a 3rd woman
Smurftastic (2:56:25 PM): or better yet, convincnig that 3rd woman to allow you to keep bitches on the side
Tex (2:46:24 PM): while simultaneously dealing with the emotional baggage from my past 2 failed marriages
Tex (2:46:47 PM): kind of like a greek tragedy
Tex (2:47:07 PM): i know i shouldn't get married, but i do anyway, and in the end i die
Tex (2:47:46 PM): your character is kind of like the muse, you give me good advice but i ignore it and i pay
Tex (2:48:56 PM): metaphorically die
Tex (2:49:01 PM): stay married in this case
Tex (2:49:45 PM): if we change it to where i've already been divorced three times then my exes could be the 3 witches from hamlet
Smurftastic (3:00:17 PM): bridget divorces you after catching you in bed w/ gisele
Smurftastic (3:00:30 PM): w/ a comical throwing hands up and saying "oh god not again"
Tex (2:50:35 PM): then one of those "wah wah wah" sound effects
Smurftastic (3:04:08 PM): clearly, lots of sound effects are needed in this movie
Tex (2:54:32 PM): and that effect what the camera zooms in on someone and the background falls back
Smurftastic (3:05:10 PM): in the bedroom, during gisele acts of indiscretion
Smurftastic (3:08:05 PM): what about artists/songs who should be on the soundtrack?
Smurftastic (3:08:17 PM): the dan band, of course
Tex (2:58:49 PM): i'd want some texas country in there
Tex (2:59:06 PM): and flogging molly for the obligatory 3rd bachelor party scene where i'm getting fucked up with all the guys
Smurftastic (3:09:26 PM): clearly
Tex (2:59:29 PM): and they keep making fun of me that my bachelor party is pretty much a yearly occasion
Smurftastic (3:12:01 PM): who is your best man played by?
Tex (3:02:01 PM): the guy from knocked up?
Smurftastic (3:12:25 PM): EXCELLENT
Smurftastic (3:12:54 PM): my very harried but head over heels in love with me assistant will be played by John Kraszinski
Smurftastic (3:13:06 PM): and we will wind up together in the end
Smurftastic (3:13:12 PM): having hooked up at your divorce party
Smurftastic (3:13:28 PM): but we will be so in love, that we won't need a divorce planner
Tex (3:03:18 PM): haha, from the death of my marriage springs the life of your marriage
Smurftastic (3:13:44 PM): so it's a happy ending for the supporting cast
Smurftastic (3:13:47 PM): but not for the star
Smurftastic (3:15:42 PM): i feel like you need to have humorous parents
Tex (3:05:37 PM): oh yeah, drunk as shit too
Tex (3:05:43 PM): perpetually shitfaced
Tex (3:06:59 PM): played by liam nieson and ...
Tex (3:07:04 PM): i think liam could do comedy
Tex (3:07:21 PM): who's a good old irish actress?
Smurftastic (3:19:19 PM): um the website i found says mary tyler moore is irish
Tex (3:10:42 PM): nope, denis leary is my father
Tex (3:11:28 PM): i can't pick my own movie mom, i trust you
Smurftastic (3:22:17 PM): i wish maureen o'hara was still alive
Smurftastic (3:22:19 PM): i love her
Smurftastic (3:22:44 PM): OH i figured out the reason why I was your first divorce
Tex (3:13:07 PM): my parents loved you more because you could booze up to their standards?
Smurftastic (3:23:26 PM): you found out i was scottish'
Tex (3:13:18 PM): same thing
Smurftastic (3:23:44 PM): haha - maureen ohara is still alive
Smurftastic (3:24:47 PM): grandma ohara
Smurftastic (3:24:51 PM): drunken senile grandma
Smurftastic (3:25:39 PM): you have no mom
Smurftastic (3:25:44 PM): she left when you were a baby
Smurftastic (3:25:50 PM): setting you up for relationship failure
Smurftastic (3:26:04 PM): she was a stripper
Tex (3:23:26 PM): i bet we could get powers whiskey to pay a lot of cash for product placement
Tex (3:23:36 PM): and marlboro
Smurftastic (3:33:58 PM): what about jamesons?
Smurftastic (3:34:09 PM): perhaps your bachelor party should be at the guinness brewery
Smurftastic (3:34:21 PM): to visit grandma, cause she lives there
Tex (3:24:14 PM): turn the top bar into a strip club
Tex (3:30:39 PM): start thinking about how we'll do the opening credits
Tex (3:30:54 PM): i'm thinking me narrating my previous 2 divorces
Smurftastic (3:41:30 PM): start w/ teh second one - and then as you talk about the first, camera zooms in on me at work
Smurftastic (3:41:48 PM): but your narration will be accompanied by black and white pictures detailing the event
Seriously, who WOULDN'T go see this movie?
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