LIVE BLOG... Snakes on a Train

OK... I'll admit it. I loved Snakes on a Plane. So much so that I Netflixed Snakes on a Train in hopes of more hilarity. Read on, but I think it's safe to say that I was sorely disappointed.

First things first, the DVD menu keeps coming up with random sayings like… “Snakes on a train… The end of the line!”, and “100 trapped passengers… 3000 venomous vipers!” I'm getting excited for the random awfulness to come.

This is a live blog of a "sequel" (more like "motion picture inspired by...") to a fabulous movie. Assisting me in this live blog is Rooster Cogburn and some green colored vodka-related mixed drink I made in the Magic Bullet (every kitchen should have one).

Opening scene – dude carrying a woman who appears to be sick across a barbed wire fence with a sign that says “Border” These characters (who appear to be Mexican), start speaking an Arab-ish language (100 bucks says its made up) and having some sort of ritual. Random snakes in jars are shown. Now they are back to Spanish. Now she vomits green jello-looking goop (Rooster’s guess = eggs)… now out comes a tiny snake. This chick is apparently yarfing snakes. Random douchebag Texan gets owned by a snake… NOW WE’RE ON THE TRAIN! Here. We. Go.

Latino mini-Mullet spotted. I hope he turns into being the hero… But he seems like a tool, so probably not. Mutton Chops on the train conductor. Awesome.

Worst fight sequence ever caught on film. Rooster: “This is so bad, it’s offensive.”

Rooster - “Very bad storytelling on their part. Did they even make a f*cking plot outline for this? A storyboard?” Suffice it to say, we're about halfway through the movie and have NO IDEA what's going on. With any of the characters. Only names we've caught so far are Alma and Miguel.

Zing from a guy w/ the mullet – “Your mother’s c*nt smells like carpet cleaner.” I don't really know if there is a humorous comment I can make about this...

Now this chick who’s been puking up the snakes wants them back in. WTF is going on?

Shot of the two token “hot” girls – Rooster: “What, they didn’t have hair and makeup on this set?”

Guy who looks like Toby Keith flashes a Texas Ranger badge… Insert Chuck Norris joke here. Offers “hot” chick smuggling drugs the option of paying him her for not arresting her. Gratuitous inner thigh rub when he gets the roll of cash out of her boot. Makeout in a train seat. He says “Take off your shirt. It’s OK, I’m a cop.” Solid move. And it works, obviously. Rooster – “Let’s see if these are any good... Oh, better than I expected.”

Burping woman now has fangs. And is eating snakes. I’m starting to question my place on this earth.

Movie abruptly over. Don’t want to ruin the end for you, but don't worry, it left room for a sequel. Rooster: “Well, that was a journey. We all learned a little something. God that was awful.”