Bachelor Pad episode 2

Unless the show quits sucking, or I start to understand it, pretty sure this will be the last Bachelor Pad blog. I'm giving it one more try, for you all.

1. I super don't understand the rules at all. Evidently, banging = alliance. Opposite of the Real World Road Rules Challenges, in my experience.

2. Um Gia. Who, in their right mind, willingly comes into this situation with a boyfriend?

3. Melissa, maybe you should eat some of that pie. You're still worthless on this show.

4. Krisily, sans gallbladder, can't eat pie? Whatever. What a dbag w/ the "suck it up" comment.

5. Why is it necessary to wear bras only for pie-eating? Also, the confessionals w/ pie all over your face still is pretty ridiculous.

6. Tinley is awful.

7. Something tells me that this isn't the first time these girls have vommed profusely. Way to go girl barfing into her own hand. And Tinley back into pie and then eating again? Good intensity. You're still awful

8. 2 hours is about 1 hour and 30 mins too long for this show.

9. Craig using hair to soak up pie, cause NOTHING is more appetizing than hair in your food.

10. Wonder if they changed the tablecloth in between girls and guys, or if they figure enough bodily fluids are exchanged already so it's not needed.

11. Is Weatherman really a weatherman?

12. Dear Melissa: Deep down, not everyone wants to be an artist. I couldn't think of something I'd like to do less. STOP PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH! Also nice sparkly genie pants. Beat.

13. There is not enough booze present at this body paint date.

14. How did the "cool kids" get to be friends? Bachelor reunions? Gangbangs?

15. Peyton's accent is maddening.

16. Weatherman probably shouldn't be telling the 2 girls who AREN'T getting roses his strategy, cause they can use it to eff him over, yes?

17. Gia needs to stop talking... stat. Sooooo irritating. Also if i were her bf, I'd be STEAMED.

18. "I'm a dumb smart girl." And evidently kind of a whore.

19. Wes is hammeredpants. Love

20. What up Team Hypocrite, Gia?

21. I wish Kiptyn didn't have such a terrible name, cause he's a cutie.

22. Gingham shirt and spotted tie? Really, Chris Harrison? REALLY?

23. Tinley is awful.

24. The group convo makes me feel like Chris Harrison is a middle school cheerleading coach or camp counselor dealing with children. Ridic.

25. Sort of respect Nikki for keeping her word. Unfortunately I'm so bored I'm about to pass out. Hurry up, rose ceremony. Oh just kidding. I was washing dishes and missed that she flipped. Two-face fail.

26. The intense music is a good choice, won't lie. There are a lot of dude purple shirts this evening.

27. Super glad Krysali (sp?) was saved, but sucks about Craig douche-hair. Jessie S deserved what she got. Two-faced.

This show sucks. Laying it out there. Not a fan. This will probably be the last Bachelor Pad blog. Sorry.

LIVE BLOG... Snakes on a Train

OK... I'll admit it. I loved Snakes on a Plane. So much so that I Netflixed Snakes on a Train in hopes of more hilarity. Read on, but I think it's safe to say that I was sorely disappointed.

First things first, the DVD menu keeps coming up with random sayings like… “Snakes on a train… The end of the line!”, and “100 trapped passengers… 3000 venomous vipers!” I'm getting excited for the random awfulness to come.

This is a live blog of a "sequel" (more like "motion picture inspired by...") to a fabulous movie. Assisting me in this live blog is Rooster Cogburn and some green colored vodka-related mixed drink I made in the Magic Bullet (every kitchen should have one).

Opening scene – dude carrying a woman who appears to be sick across a barbed wire fence with a sign that says “Border” These characters (who appear to be Mexican), start speaking an Arab-ish language (100 bucks says its made up) and having some sort of ritual. Random snakes in jars are shown. Now they are back to Spanish. Now she vomits green jello-looking goop (Rooster’s guess = eggs)… now out comes a tiny snake. This chick is apparently yarfing snakes. Random douchebag Texan gets owned by a snake… NOW WE’RE ON THE TRAIN! Here. We. Go.

Latino mini-Mullet spotted. I hope he turns into being the hero… But he seems like a tool, so probably not. Mutton Chops on the train conductor. Awesome.

Worst fight sequence ever caught on film. Rooster: “This is so bad, it’s offensive.”

Rooster - “Very bad storytelling on their part. Did they even make a f*cking plot outline for this? A storyboard?” Suffice it to say, we're about halfway through the movie and have NO IDEA what's going on. With any of the characters. Only names we've caught so far are Alma and Miguel.

Zing from a guy w/ the mullet – “Your mother’s c*nt smells like carpet cleaner.” I don't really know if there is a humorous comment I can make about this...

Now this chick who’s been puking up the snakes wants them back in. WTF is going on?

Shot of the two token “hot” girls – Rooster: “What, they didn’t have hair and makeup on this set?”

Guy who looks like Toby Keith flashes a Texas Ranger badge… Insert Chuck Norris joke here. Offers “hot” chick smuggling drugs the option of paying him her for not arresting her. Gratuitous inner thigh rub when he gets the roll of cash out of her boot. Makeout in a train seat. He says “Take off your shirt. It’s OK, I’m a cop.” Solid move. And it works, obviously. Rooster – “Let’s see if these are any good... Oh, better than I expected.”

Burping woman now has fangs. And is eating snakes. I’m starting to question my place on this earth.

Movie abruptly over. Don’t want to ruin the end for you, but don't worry, it left room for a sequel. Rooster: “Well, that was a journey. We all learned a little something. God that was awful.”