Bachelor Pad, Episode 1

OK kids. Apologies in advance as this is super delayed, but, I'll be honest. Now that we are working full time, sitting down to dedicate 2 hours to a reality TV blog is probably not going to happen. Least of all for Bachelor Pad, which, sorry to say, sucked in episode 1. Smurftastic is officially not a fan. I might need to just start blogging the shows I watch every week anyway (Real Housewives, Bethenny Getting Married, Top Chef) instead of forcing myself to watch something I don't really care about... or, you know, give up. For episode 1, I only have notes on the first half from DJ Victorious, and will interject them at the appropriate point with mine. I sincerely doubt that this will be a weekly occurrence. That said, the Emmys are on this Sunday, and you know I can always be counted on to bust out an awards show rundown. Get excited. But, for now, Bachelor Pad, episode 1 commences...

Smurftastic's thoughts:

So I’m so far unfamiliar with everyone they have shown in previews, thus, think they are all whoreish. Vaguely recall Chrysalee (sp?) for her ridic name… but still, all whoreish. Melissa Rycroft is beat when her hair is straight, btw. None of these assholes know the different between right and left. Absolutely the opposite of shocked. Captain Blowout wins and other dude says “I pretty much know that there is no god.” No idea who this is, but he seems pretty hated. Maybe I will decide to love him out of life spite. Lots of terrible dye jobs and decent boob jobs.

I was drinking and having heart to hearts during the explanation of the rules of this show, so I’m a bit confused at the drunken attempt at alliances. Elizabeth needs to reevaluate her foundation choices.

SOMEONE’S ALREADY ON THE MOVE FOR TEAM DORM-BONE! Classy. Over-under on amount of herp in this house? GO. “Ew do you think that they boned?” I’m not sure who said it, but I wanna be friends w/ them.

Terrible dye job girls don’t get further date/ rose. I determine Melissa needs to get her eat on. Lifehouse cover band? FAIL.

Bathroom fight? Bathroom fight. This seems dangerous and claw-ey. Tinley is also super dumb, just saying.

Yellow swimsuit? Opposite of a flattering angle, Nikki. Gross.

This show is awful. All of these women are insane.

Gia’s extensions are terrible, but her dress is awesome. The combo of all the dudes in jeans and blazers with uber fancy cocktail dresses is awkward, but not as awkward as harrison’s tie. Random dressed up dude + random flannel + random male jean capris = enormous amount of fail. Did they not have money for stylists on this show? JESUS. Melissa Rycroft is pointless in the elimination. If you’re gonna have her around, let her contribute. Nikki has a butt-chin. Might be former dude.

DJ Victorious' thoughts:

1. 1. Love that Chris Harrison is now playing the role of Bachelor/Bachelorette during the opening sequence as he greets everyone that exits the limos.

2. 2. These “Bachelor reunions” sound crazier than the Olympic Village

3. 3. Did he legally change his name to “Weatherman”? Cause I would respect him more if he did.

4. 4. Tenley sucks.

5. 5. Wes looks bloated. One too many trips to the buffet during those Bachelor reunions on the cruise ship.

6. 6. Elizabeth looks like a slightly younger version of Magda from “There’s Something About Mary.”

7. 7. Tenley sucks.

8. 8. Craig M. is like a poor man’s Wolverine.

9. 9. Weatherman wears WAY too much make-up.

10. 10. Is Peyton a man?

11. 11. $250,000 would just about pay off my law school loans, but I’m not sure I would be willing to spend a weekend, let alone a month, with the people in this house.

12. 12. Tenley sucks.

13. 13. Apparently, the key to winning Twister is being able to tell your left from your right.

14. 14. I’ve felt awkward this entire episode. These conversations are painful to watch.

15. 15. Lot’s of gratuitous ass shots.

16. 16. Thank god for night-vision cameras.

17. 17. Sex Panther.

18. 18. I don’t understand why the women are wearing bathing suits, but not other clothes, in the limo on the way to their “date” with Craig.

Smurftastic officially gives the win for this episode commentary to DJVictorious. Yours in the comments...