Bachelor Pad episode 2

Unless the show quits sucking, or I start to understand it, pretty sure this will be the last Bachelor Pad blog. I'm giving it one more try, for you all.

1. I super don't understand the rules at all. Evidently, banging = alliance. Opposite of the Real World Road Rules Challenges, in my experience.

2. Um Gia. Who, in their right mind, willingly comes into this situation with a boyfriend?

3. Melissa, maybe you should eat some of that pie. You're still worthless on this show.

4. Krisily, sans gallbladder, can't eat pie? Whatever. What a dbag w/ the "suck it up" comment.

5. Why is it necessary to wear bras only for pie-eating? Also, the confessionals w/ pie all over your face still is pretty ridiculous.

6. Tinley is awful.

7. Something tells me that this isn't the first time these girls have vommed profusely. Way to go girl barfing into her own hand. And Tinley back into pie and then eating again? Good intensity. You're still awful

8. 2 hours is about 1 hour and 30 mins too long for this show.

9. Craig using hair to soak up pie, cause NOTHING is more appetizing than hair in your food.

10. Wonder if they changed the tablecloth in between girls and guys, or if they figure enough bodily fluids are exchanged already so it's not needed.

11. Is Weatherman really a weatherman?

12. Dear Melissa: Deep down, not everyone wants to be an artist. I couldn't think of something I'd like to do less. STOP PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH! Also nice sparkly genie pants. Beat.

13. There is not enough booze present at this body paint date.

14. How did the "cool kids" get to be friends? Bachelor reunions? Gangbangs?

15. Peyton's accent is maddening.

16. Weatherman probably shouldn't be telling the 2 girls who AREN'T getting roses his strategy, cause they can use it to eff him over, yes?

17. Gia needs to stop talking... stat. Sooooo irritating. Also if i were her bf, I'd be STEAMED.

18. "I'm a dumb smart girl." And evidently kind of a whore.

19. Wes is hammeredpants. Love

20. What up Team Hypocrite, Gia?

21. I wish Kiptyn didn't have such a terrible name, cause he's a cutie.

22. Gingham shirt and spotted tie? Really, Chris Harrison? REALLY?

23. Tinley is awful.

24. The group convo makes me feel like Chris Harrison is a middle school cheerleading coach or camp counselor dealing with children. Ridic.

25. Sort of respect Nikki for keeping her word. Unfortunately I'm so bored I'm about to pass out. Hurry up, rose ceremony. Oh just kidding. I was washing dishes and missed that she flipped. Two-face fail.

26. The intense music is a good choice, won't lie. There are a lot of dude purple shirts this evening.

27. Super glad Krysali (sp?) was saved, but sucks about Craig douche-hair. Jessie S deserved what she got. Two-faced.

This show sucks. Laying it out there. Not a fan. This will probably be the last Bachelor Pad blog. Sorry.

Bachelor Pad, Episode 1

OK kids. Apologies in advance as this is super delayed, but, I'll be honest. Now that we are working full time, sitting down to dedicate 2 hours to a reality TV blog is probably not going to happen. Least of all for Bachelor Pad, which, sorry to say, sucked in episode 1. Smurftastic is officially not a fan. I might need to just start blogging the shows I watch every week anyway (Real Housewives, Bethenny Getting Married, Top Chef) instead of forcing myself to watch something I don't really care about... or, you know, give up. For episode 1, I only have notes on the first half from DJ Victorious, and will interject them at the appropriate point with mine. I sincerely doubt that this will be a weekly occurrence. That said, the Emmys are on this Sunday, and you know I can always be counted on to bust out an awards show rundown. Get excited. But, for now, Bachelor Pad, episode 1 commences...

Smurftastic's thoughts:

So I’m so far unfamiliar with everyone they have shown in previews, thus, think they are all whoreish. Vaguely recall Chrysalee (sp?) for her ridic name… but still, all whoreish. Melissa Rycroft is beat when her hair is straight, btw. None of these assholes know the different between right and left. Absolutely the opposite of shocked. Captain Blowout wins and other dude says “I pretty much know that there is no god.” No idea who this is, but he seems pretty hated. Maybe I will decide to love him out of life spite. Lots of terrible dye jobs and decent boob jobs.

I was drinking and having heart to hearts during the explanation of the rules of this show, so I’m a bit confused at the drunken attempt at alliances. Elizabeth needs to reevaluate her foundation choices.

SOMEONE’S ALREADY ON THE MOVE FOR TEAM DORM-BONE! Classy. Over-under on amount of herp in this house? GO. “Ew do you think that they boned?” I’m not sure who said it, but I wanna be friends w/ them.

Terrible dye job girls don’t get further date/ rose. I determine Melissa needs to get her eat on. Lifehouse cover band? FAIL.

Bathroom fight? Bathroom fight. This seems dangerous and claw-ey. Tinley is also super dumb, just saying.

Yellow swimsuit? Opposite of a flattering angle, Nikki. Gross.

This show is awful. All of these women are insane.

Gia’s extensions are terrible, but her dress is awesome. The combo of all the dudes in jeans and blazers with uber fancy cocktail dresses is awkward, but not as awkward as harrison’s tie. Random dressed up dude + random flannel + random male jean capris = enormous amount of fail. Did they not have money for stylists on this show? JESUS. Melissa Rycroft is pointless in the elimination. If you’re gonna have her around, let her contribute. Nikki has a butt-chin. Might be former dude.

DJ Victorious' thoughts:

1. 1. Love that Chris Harrison is now playing the role of Bachelor/Bachelorette during the opening sequence as he greets everyone that exits the limos.

2. 2. These “Bachelor reunions” sound crazier than the Olympic Village

3. 3. Did he legally change his name to “Weatherman”? Cause I would respect him more if he did.

4. 4. Tenley sucks.

5. 5. Wes looks bloated. One too many trips to the buffet during those Bachelor reunions on the cruise ship.

6. 6. Elizabeth looks like a slightly younger version of Magda from “There’s Something About Mary.”

7. 7. Tenley sucks.

8. 8. Craig M. is like a poor man’s Wolverine.

9. 9. Weatherman wears WAY too much make-up.

10. 10. Is Peyton a man?

11. 11. $250,000 would just about pay off my law school loans, but I’m not sure I would be willing to spend a weekend, let alone a month, with the people in this house.

12. 12. Tenley sucks.

13. 13. Apparently, the key to winning Twister is being able to tell your left from your right.

14. 14. I’ve felt awkward this entire episode. These conversations are painful to watch.

15. 15. Lot’s of gratuitous ass shots.

16. 16. Thank god for night-vision cameras.

17. 17. Sex Panther.

18. 18. I don’t understand why the women are wearing bathing suits, but not other clothes, in the limo on the way to their “date” with Craig.

Smurftastic officially gives the win for this episode commentary to DJVictorious. Yours in the comments...

NEW BLOG SERIES UPDATE

DJ Victorious, Jeflow and I will be coming out of retirement beginning the week of August 9 to liveblog ABC's "The Bachelor Pad."

Let the unintentional (intentional?) hilarity ensue!

Show description below, via IMDB. Sounds a lot like The RW/RR Challenges to me, and that's a GOOD thing.

"The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" meet "Big Brother" in this elimination contest, in which 19 castoffs from the ABC dating games face weekly challenges while living under the same roof. In the opener, they move into the bachelor pad, where their first challenge -- a game of Twister -- awaits. Then, before the elimination, there's a day-night group date. Chris Harrison and Melissa Rycroft are the hosts.

See you in a couple of weeks! While you wait for us and the show, let's take over/unders on the number of female contestants that Chris Harrison has already banged. Awwwwkwarrrrrd.

2009 Emmy's Live Thoughts

Present for this live blog = J-bone, Smurftastic and Gingerette.
Occasionally submitting comments via electronic media = Smurftastic’s sister and KSquizz.

Would like to kick this off by saying I’m creepily excited because of NPH hosting. I swear he could do nothing but make Taylor Swift cry and it will still be infinitely better than the “reality host” debacle of last year. He is wearing a white tuxedo jacket with black pants, and this will not be the first time tonight that I lament the fact that the man is gay. Do you think he’d be down to hang out if I got a sex change? I’D DO IT FOR NPH!

My over under bet for Kanye West jokes is 5. KSquizz thinks three, sister thinks 8. AND THAT’S ONE. Tracey Morgan did not think it was funny. They are dividing the show based on genre. I’m pretty exciteddddddddddd… so I don’t get stuck with a whole 2 hours in the middle of shitty cinematography jokes.

Kicking things off with comedy. I’m predicting 30 Rock to win big, but I NEED to see NPH take home a trophy. Of course in the montage they have Jon Hamm cause he’s too good for just drama. I could spread him on a cracker. The glasses theme for the best supporting actress nominees is pretty ridiculous. Big ups to Vanessa Williams for bucking the trend. Kristen Chenoweth wins. Whatever. She’s cute. Her show was cancelled. The tears are excessive. I’m uncomfortable. Moving on.

This breakthrough performance award thing (online vote) seems interesting. I like both Chuck & Blair and the Kris Allen. Eff True Blood. I’m so over this vampire trend. HIMYM presenters. The ladies’ post baby bods look good. Outstanding writing. Boring. 30 Rock. One of my favorite parts of NPH hosting is that he mocks his own terrible jokes. NPH’s award is up. I want NPH to win, but I’d be quite happy with either of the 30 Rock or Rainn Wilson. Jon Cryer wins. I hate America for liking Two and a Half Men so much. Rethink your lives. I mean I love Ducky, don’t get me wrong. But I’m displeased.

Just flipped to NFL Sunday Night Football in the commercial and saw my first ad for the Vancouver Winter Olympics. My heart is warmed.

Justin Timberlake makes an appearance. My uterus skipped a beat. He’s basically describing me as the girl who all guys dream about. Why thank you, Justin. I feel the same about you. Also, congrats on letting the curls grow back. HUGSIES. Best comedic actress. Clearly Tina Fey will win. UPSET - Toni Collette takes it home for United States of Tara. It’s supposed to be great, but I don’t get premiere cable. So whatever.

Steve Carell looks foxy tonight. Just saying.

ROB LOWE. Yummy. He gets more dreamy with time. Best actor in a comedy. I’m hoping Steve Carell takes it home. But I do love Alec Baldwin. And Jermaine Clement. No surprise Baldwin wins. Jack Donaghey is my ideal boss.

Shifting to reality genre. If they don’t show a clip from Real Housewives of NJ, I’ll be WAY upset. CAROLINE! Theresa! I LOVE THAT SHOW. Maksim and Karina from DWTS perform. I freaking love Maksim. In agreement with KSquizz = AWKWARD. They used to be engaged. And as of mere days ago, they are no longer. Nothing to write home about, honestly. Jeff Probst wins for best host. Apparently they still air Survivor. Way to congratulate NPH, because you did a HORRIBLE job last year.

Tracey Morgan arrives. He is apparently sober now. I’m not thrilled. Amazing Race wins best competition series. Whatever. It’s no Project Runway, American Idol, or DWTS.

Miniseries. I have seen 0. Whatevz. Signing off sesh till something interesting happening.

KSquizz question of the commercial break: “True or False: You would act as a surrogate for NPH and his partner?” Gingerette and I are a RESOUNDING yes. Sister is a “no.” Not the first time I have judged her during this telecast, and it won’t be the last.

I really love that in his intros, this guy is only picking rogue roles that no one remembers instead of what they are known for. BIG FAN. Patricia Arquette looks like complete garbage. That dress is an embarrassment.

Jessica Lange has aged well. This needs to speed up. I’m getting grumpy.

OK moving into Variety. So shit I actually watch and isn’t lame. Sorry miniseries and TV movies, but you suck at life.

BRIAN WILLIAMS SIGHTING. I LOVE HIM SOO MUCH.

Really happy MotherLover got nommed. Here’s Ricky Gervais, just generally being awesome. As per usual. Jon Stewart gives NPH mad props. I love them both so much, but the edge in awesome goes to NPH, obvs. KSquizz: “Wow. Ricky Gervais wins at presenting.” Indeed, KSquizz, indeed.

Finally up to the drama category. Meaning we’re through the dragging middle part, and I’m that much closer to being able to go to bed.

DEAD PEOPLE MONTAGE! Sung along with by Sarah Mclachlan’s “I will remember you.” I get it, but will this song never die? It’s not a high school graduation. It’s a dead people montage. The song almost ruined it for me. Didn’t tear up till Paul Newman, Michael Jackson, and Swayze. Sigh. Rough year for celebrity deaths. KSquizz comments: “I wish Jimmy Fallon was in the death montage.” My response: “I wish that song was in the montage and never heard again.” KSquizz: “I think I am going to use ‘I wish they were in the death montage at the next award show’ as another way to express my hatred of things.” Good idea.

Glenn Close wins. Makes me want to watch Damages. Kind of. But after Glee, Community, Gossip Girl and Melrose Place… I’m pretty sure I don’t have room to take on any new TV shows this season.

Final awards of the night. I’m predicting 30 Rock and Mad Men. Bob Newhart is one adorable old man. I like all of the comedic nominees, but have never seen Weeds. 30 Rock wins, no surprise, and well deserved. True Blood wins the breakthrough award. DIE IN A FIRE VAMPIRES. Ugh so overexposed. Mad Men wins. Good show. KSquizz wins the Kanye joke bet with the final count at 3. Congrats. I’m signing off. NIGH NIGH.

Real Housewives of New Jersey: A rant slash obsession:

OK. So I'm aware it's been a while since either DJ Victorious or myself have written. But now we're studying for the bar exam, and thus, I'm ridiculously bored. Go figure. In the past, I may have mentioned my love of Bravo TV shows, but there is one, which recently concluded its first season which may, no joke, be the best show. EVER. OK, that's a little extreme. Maybe the best REALITY show ever. Yes, better than the Bachelor. Yes, better than the Duel/Gauntlet/Real World Road Rules Challenges. This show is the Real Housewives of NJ. The fourth iteration of the series, after the OC, New York, and Atlanta (Atlanta sucked, btw, but the other 2 were also awesome), this gem of the media takes place in my adopted home state of New Jersey, not more than 30 minutes from where my office is. It's tough to explain in just a teeny blog entry, but you need to catch the reruns. This is awesome. I have a couple of things I'd like to rant about regarding the show. 1 - Caroline Manzo. 2 - Crazy Danielle.

1. Dear Caroline. I love you. You are awesome. Literally, I'm considering paying money to hire you as my personal advisor. I'm a little scared of you, but in a really good way. You tell it like it is, and once I convince you to like me, I'm pretty sure you'd scare the pants of/beat up anyone who tried to harm me.

Caroline is, without a doubt, my favorite character to ever appear on reality TV. Why? Because she's actually REAL while on reality TV. She is sane, makes logical arguments, and behaves the way I should hope to behave if I were ever on such a show. Plus she's funny. Her reactions to the craziness of everyone around her (ahem, Danielle, ahem) are PRICELESS, and make the entire show. Plus she calls people on their shit. There's something incredibly respectable about that. You win at life. One day, I hope I'm half as kick-ass as you are.

Great Caroline quotes (from only the 2nd half of the reunion episode, she is classic the whole season): To Danielle: "I disliked you prior to the book" ( further story on THAT later), and with realllllllllll angry eyes, to Danielle, "I'm not buying it." If you haven't seen Caroline Manzo tell someone off you haven't lived. True story. More about her later.

2. Danielle. What the hell. How are you a real person? Every single thing about you is ridiculous. You tried to garner sympathy for the whole "I have 2 kids thing", but then you let your kids speak to you, and hear stuff about you, that I'd probably have to cut my ears off if I heard stuff half as bad as that from my own mother. Really, I don't understand your rationale/life decisions. You have this "past", which you know was referenced in a book (Cop Without A Badge), but when it comes out via Dina or Caroline (or whoever, I'm inclined to think the producers leaked it, but that's just me), you act ALL offended that "this was your past, and someone else brought it to the forefront and it didn't need to be."

Here's the deal. You have a criminal past. You know there is a book. WHY IN GOD'S NAME WOULD YOU EVER AGREE TO GO ON A REALITY SHOW IF YOU WANTED TO KEEP IT QUIET? Are you as stupid as you seem? REALLY? You're going to put yourself in the public eye and expect people to NOT dig this up? This is the age of the Internet. 90% of the people out there have nothing better to do than watch TV with their laptops on and look up shit about people they are seeing (yours truly included). Don't whine about this coming out on TV when it was YOUR CHOICE to go on national TV in the first place. Regardless of the stories you tell, I in no way do, or ever will, feel badly for you. You're a moron.

Choice Danielle quote: in reference to the ex husband in the book, trying to get his 15 minutes of fame "He'll have to answer to MY fans." Guess what sweetheart, women who look up to you, and/or are your fans, are ALSO ridiculous, and possibly bat shit crazy. His "fans" and your "fans" battling it out, might be good thing for society. Your experience on this show was that bad because people saw through your CRAP (namely Caroline) and called you out on it. Too bad. I have no pity for someone who wants to keep the past in the past and then willingly puts themselves in the public eye. You get what you deserve at that point.

That said, Danielle, hope you're back in the second season, because I REALLY want to find out what you did off camera to make Dina and Caroline and their whole family so mad. What was Caroline so upset about? I love her, don't like to see her upset. My hypothesis? You tried to make moves on one of their husbands, most likely Dina's. Can't wait till next season. Well done, Bravo.

PS - Just watched the first episode of NYC Prep. Prob gonna blog about it. Here's a preview. I hate everyone on this show (yet somehow, love the show). Stay tuned!