The episode starts with the promise of two one-on-one dates. The first “alone” date with Matt goes to Holly, the “children’s book writer.” Riiiiiiggght. Anyway, the exciting date Matt (read: the producers) have planned is attending the “Maid of Honor” movie premiere. Matt and Holly exit the limo to what appears to be a crowd of swarming paparazzi. Something doesn’t seem right.

DJvictoriousT (9:45:59 PM): 2 1-on-1 dates. good times. possible sex
DJvictoriousT (9:46:06 PM): these girls seem particularly slutty
blnd44illini (9:46:50 PM): MAID OF HONOR! I'm excited to see it
blnd44illini (9:46:52 PM): not gonna lie
blnd44illini (9:47:09 PM): mcdreamy=male bridesmaid
DJvictoriousT (9:47:07 PM): i think i like holly
blnd44illini (9:47:13 PM): i enjoy holly
blnd44illini (9:47:17 PM): she seems normalish
DJvictoriousT (9:47:48 PM): are these fake papparazzi?
blnd44illini (9:47:52 PM): this is really wierd, cause that movie isn't supposed to come out till may
blnd44illini (9:47:56 PM): this may be fake
DJvictoriousT (9:48:20 PM): the producers are taking some chances this season
DJvictoriousT (9:48:31 PM): some win
DJvictoriousT (9:48:33 PM): some lose
blnd44illini (9:48:36 PM): right um release date is may 2
blnd44illini (9:48:42 PM): this is way too early
blnd44illini (9:48:58 PM): this is probably pre editing or else just focus groups
DJvictoriousT (9:50:05 PM): a premiere...for 2
DJvictoriousT (9:50:11 PM): you can't fool me bachelor
DJvictoriousT (9:50:26 PM): this is a commercial!
blnd44illini (9:50:45 PM): YES
blnd44illini (9:50:51 PM): movie theater handjob?
blnd44illini (9:53:43 PM): ps the website for made of honor has mcdreamy in a kilt
DJvictoriousT (9:54:11 PM): did you see the dude at barristers (aka law school prom) in the kilt?
blnd44illini (9:54:16 PM): YES
blnd44illini (9:54:19 PM): it was awesome
DJvictoriousT (9:54:25 PM): it was pretty awesome
DJvictoriousT (9:54:34 PM): i wanted to know if he was wearing underwear
blnd44illini (9:54:47 PM): i hope not... or else thats fake
DJvictoriousT (9:54:47 PM): ya know, cause if he wasn't it would really be authentic
blnd44illini (9:55:26 PM): exactly

After the movie premier, Matt takes Holly back to a trendy hotel so they can “get to know each other.” During the conversation, Matt confesses that he feels spending time with Holly is a little “too easy.” But he convinces her to join him the hot tub anyway.

DJvictoriousT (9:55:35 PM): he;s taking her to the hotel, not the motel, not the holiday inn...say what
blnd44illini (9:56:09 PM): after the party its the after party then after the party its the hotel
lobby
DJvictoriousT (9:57:49 PM): are they eating on a super-size cigar?
DJvictoriousT (9:57:58 PM): way too hip for me
blnd44illini (9:57:58 PM): no but she will be later
blnd44illini (9:58:05 PM): ZING
blnd44illini (9:58:23 PM): uh oh i smell a friend zone talk
DJvictoriousT (9:58:28 PM): that's as close to the "love you like a sister" line as it's gonna get
blnd44illini (9:58:37 PM): LYLAS!
blnd44illini (9:59:57 PM): hot tub w/ your sister?
DJvictoriousT (9:59:59 PM): first hot tub of the season
DJvictoriousT (10:00:59 PM): i don't know what to say
DJvictoriousT (10:01:09 PM): i'm getting uncomfortable
blnd44illini (10:01:23 PM): i have been watching this show for a while
blnd44illini (10:01:34 PM): and every time they zoom in on candles
blnd44illini (10:01:41 PM): i assume boning
DJvictoriousT (10:01:49 PM): good call

While Matt and Holly impliedly get freaky back in the hot tub, the ladies back at the house answer the doorbell to find…….walk-of-fame looking handprints that Matt and Holly made outside of the movie premiere. The cement impressions include hearts and at least one mention of the word “love.” Panic ensues.

DJvictoriousT (9:59:08 PM): seriously. they are not kidding around this season
DJvictoriousT (9:59:20 PM): planting evidence
blnd44illini (9:59:28 PM): wow that was a dick move Mann's

Next up: group date. And the entertainment of choice is making the ladies put on their kit and play some rugby. This might be my favorite bachelor activity EVER. Matt gets into coach mode and uses this activity as an opportunity to recite more British sayings.

DJvictoriousT (9:56:57 PM): YES. RUGBY!!!!!!!!!!!!
DJvictoriousT (10:06:35 PM): one more reason we both would do much better on this season the 90% of these only moderately attractive girls
DJvictoriousT (10:06:46 PM): someone could die

blnd44illini (10:06:59 PM): you would OWN these girls
DJvictoriousT (10:07:01 PM): my guess is the coach will make stronger moves than matt today
blnd44illini (10:07:05 PM): frankly, i would too
blnd44illini (10:07:16 PM): not make moves... own the girls
DJvictoriousT (10:07:43 PM): this is brilliant....but this is not rugby
DJvictoriousT (10:07:47 PM): this is mud wrestling
blnd44illini (10:08:16 PM): they better actually play
blnd44illini (10:10:46 PM): HAHAHAAHAHA
blnd44illini (10:10:53 PM): OWNED!
DJvictoriousT (10:11:22 PM): woman down
DJvictoriousT (10:11:29 PM): miss earth. down
blnd44illini (10:11:39 PM): medic?
DJvictoriousT (10:10:58 PM): tooth?!
blnd44illini (10:11:03 PM): i can only hope
DJvictoriousT (10:11:54 PM): busted lip!
blnd44illini (10:11:58 PM): oh man up
blnd44illini (10:12:02 PM): that is not a game ending injury
DJvictoriousT (10:12:10 PM): where's the broken bone?
blnd44illini (10:12:14 PM): quit being a bitch
DJvictoriousT (10:12:15 PM): concussion?
blnd44illini (10:12:26 PM): i finished out hte IM football season w/ a broken finger
blnd44illini (10:12:29 PM): whore

Matt is impressed with the “girls’” performance on the field and showers them with praise.

blnd44illini (10:13:07 PM): i don't like when he calls them "girl"
blnd44illini (10:13:11 PM): it's very boy band
blnd44illini (10:13:27 PM): only good when sung in harmony or by joey mcintire
DJvictoriousT (10:13:40 PM): hahaha
DJvictoriousT (10:13:42 PM): yes
DJvictoriousT (10:13:46 PM): or davey jones
DJvictoriousT (10:13:56 PM): "girl."
blnd44illini (10:13:56 PM): yessssssss
DJvictoriousT (10:14:01 PM): "look what you've done to me."
DJvictoriousT (10:14:05 PM): "me"
DJvictoriousT (10:14:09 PM): "and my whole world"
blnd44illini (10:14:06 PM): um can we get him to come to barristers next year?
DJvictoriousT (10:14:16 PM): definitely
blnd44illini (10:14:21 PM): i will play marcia
DJvictoriousT (10:14:22 PM): probably for under a grand
blnd44illini (10:14:41 PM): CHILL... we could pool our money for that
DJvictoriousT (10:14:50 PM): he might be dead by then
DJvictoriousT (10:15:01 PM): but then we can just use the money to buy more booze
DJvictoriousT (10:15:03 PM): everyone wins
DJvictoriousT (10:15:07 PM): except davey
blnd44illini (10:15:14 PM): he can watch us from heaven
blnd44illini (10:15:21 PM): we'll play him at the preparty
DJvictoriousT (10:15:43 PM): and pour some of the liquor in his honor
blnd44illini (10:15:52 PM): we did that for brandis in college

Because they are the lucky winners of the one-on-one dates, Holly and Shayne stay back at the house while the other girls try to kick each other’s asses on the rugby pitch. Shayne comments on how she needs to tan. Holly informs the viewing audience on one key piece of information, which could possibly what pushes her ahead of the rest of the competition…..she has brought her own spray tanning machine.

DJvictoriousT (10:09:08 PM): wow
DJvictoriousT (10:09:25 PM): the only other person i've seen that excited about a spray tanner is the bodybuilder i used to work with
blnd44illini (10:09:25 PM): who has their own spray tanner
DJvictoriousT (10:09:32 PM): adam the bodybuilder
blnd44illini (10:09:33 PM): and why is she not tanning boobs but tanning vag?

Matt takes the rugby ladies back to his “pad.” We use this group shot as an opportunity to comment on the current status and performance of the remaining girls.

blnd44illini (10:18:33 PM): i'd like to point out that he just said "we get to go hang out at my pad"
DJvictoriousT (10:18:59 PM): robin talks like a gay man from the south
blnd44illini (10:19:12 PM): true
DJvictoriousT (10:19:58 PM): serously. ashlee is going to go psycho pretty soon
DJvictoriousT (10:20:02 PM): and it's going to be awesome
blnd44illini (10:20:08 PM): gratuitous butt shot
blnd44illini (10:20:14 PM): woooow
blnd44illini (10:20:20 PM): harrison totally has a boner right now
DJvictoriousT (10:20:34 PM): is kelly the drunk from last week?
blnd44illini (10:20:48 PM): i think she might be
blnd44illini (10:21:08 PM): and i just checked
blnd44illini (10:21:11 PM): direct quote
blnd44illini (10:21:12 PM): blnd44illini (10:34:19 PM): kelly is, well, she's drunk
DJvictoriousT (10:21:27 PM): nice
DJvictoriousT (10:21:51 PM): i'm calling robin not getting a rose this week
blnd44illini (10:21:55 PM): i like robin
blnd44illini (10:22:01 PM): she was a preseason mvp
DJvictoriousT (10:22:10 PM): something doesn't seem right
DJvictoriousT (10:24:27 PM): Shayne changes outfits about 5 times a day
blnd44illini (10:24:49 PM): do you think the vag tanner will stain her white shorts?
DJvictoriousT (10:25:04 PM): you know what would have been awesome. if holly had put some sort of rash-inducing liquid in the spray tanner
DJvictoriousT (10:25:09 PM): April Fools!
DJvictoriousT (10:25:24 PM): cue the canned laughter
blnd44illini (10:25:26 PM): HAHA amazing
blnd44illini (10:25:37 PM): harrison pops out of the closet and just screams OWNED
DJvictoriousT (10:26:24 PM): kelly is drunk. again.
blnd44illini (10:26:24 PM): and kelly's drunk again
blnd44illini (10:26:26 PM): she's growing on me
blnd44illini (10:27:16 PM): basically cause the drunks are much more hilarious

Matt and Shayne embark on their one-in-one date. Shayne is wearing ridiculous boots. Matt claims to have put together an exciting date. Shayne’s annoyance factor rises with each passing minute. She, of course, mentions her father…what’s his name.

blnd44illini (10:31:18 PM): CROTCH SHOT IN THE CAR
DJvictoriousT (10:31:39 PM): matt. don't front. you organized nothing.
DJvictoriousT (10:31:53 PM): matt did not put that date box together himself
DJvictoriousT (10:31:56 PM): some intern did
blnd44illini (10:32:13 PM): some intern who boned harrison
blnd44illini (10:32:22 PM): she is def rocking the accent
blnd44illini (10:32:25 PM): and it is awful
blnd44illini (10:32:30 PM): it's very britney
DJvictoriousT (10:32:41 PM): britney imitating madonna
DJvictoriousT (10:32:55 PM): that's because no one knows who your dad is
DJvictoriousT (10:32:59 PM): seriously.
blnd44illini (10:33:18 PM): yeah um he's like below D list
blnd44illini (10:33:34 PM): like can't even get on dancing with the stars
blnd44illini (10:33:37 PM): even below me having a ridiculous obsession w/ him
DJvictoriousT (10:33:41 PM): i'm guessing shayne is hoping she gets an us weekly interview out of this show
blnd44illini (10:34:24 PM): no way she gets US
blnd44illini (10:34:32 PM): OK!, maybe... or in touch
DJvictoriousT (10:34:36 PM): no way - but she's trying pretty hard
blnd44illini (10:36:00 PM): i bet perez hilton won't even touch that

Shayne tells Matt what things she finds important in life. For some unknown reason (good editing?) Matt appears enthralled.

blnd44illini (10:40:34 PM): WOW, cars, shoes, handbags, sunglasses and watches
blnd44illini (10:40:39 PM): i want him to punch her immediately
DJvictoriousT (10:40:51 PM): i can't believe he's buying into this
DJvictoriousT (10:41:04 PM): this actually makes me lose faith in men as a gender
blnd44illini (10:41:08 PM): i know
blnd44illini (10:41:22 PM): my british crush has cooled, ever so slightly
blnd44illini (10:41:40 PM): but that may be because i watched 3 men and a little lady yesterday and the british are the villains
blnd44illini (10:42:28 PM): Bed setup?
blnd44illini (10:42:39 PM): this is second to last date kind of scenario
DJvictoriousT (10:42:54 PM): they're pushing the boundaries this season
blnd44illini (10:43:50 PM): shayne as a child? http://www.ez-entertainment.net/carpet/LorenzoLamasShaunaSandVictoriaAlexandraIsabellaMI.JPG
DJvictoriousT (10:44:31 PM): no wonder she turned out like this
blnd44illini (10:44:47 PM): http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/54/039_19583~Lorenzo-Lamas-Posters.jpg
blnd44illini (10:44:52 PM): i hate her
blnd44illini (10:45:01 PM): she's awful
DJvictoriousT (10:45:07 PM): i want to vomit
DJvictoriousT (10:45:17 PM): between the rose and the shirtless llama
DJvictoriousT (10:45:22 PM): nausea

Post-Shayne, Matt returns to the house to spend some more time with the “group date” girls before making his final rose decisions. Robin throws elbows to spend alone time with Matt even though he gave her a rose post-rugby date.

DJvictoriousT (10:51:55 PM): you really like robin?
blnd44illini (10:52:11 PM): she is very quickly creeping me out
DJvictoriousT (10:52:12 PM): robin is out for blood
blnd44illini (10:52:16 PM): her intensity is ridic
DJvictoriousT (10:52:27 PM): see - he gave her that rose prematurely
DJvictoriousT (10:52:35 PM): can he take a rose back?
DJvictoriousT (10:52:46 PM): where did she come from?
DJvictoriousT (10:53:20 PM): he is talking out of his ass today
blnd44illini (10:53:32 PM): yeah... weird sesh
blnd44illini (10:54:26 PM): um she's pretty sucky
DJvictoriousT (10:56:25 PM): i think there is going to be ALOT of drama this season
blnd44illini (10:56:31 PM): i want there to be hitting
DJvictoriousT (10:56:40 PM): quite possible

Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony. The only girls to go home are the one’s we still can’t identify/have never seen before, and the hot dog vendor. The lasting impression from this episode: Robin is psycho.

blnd44illini (11:00:46 PM): who is the chick with the long sideswept hair?
DJvictoriousT (11:01:00 PM): where? blond or brunette?
DJvictoriousT (11:01:27 PM): do you think his contract requires him to educate the american public on british sayings?
blnd44illini (11:01:34 PM): blonde
blnd44illini (11:01:39 PM): i think it is
DJvictoriousT (11:01:50 PM): i have no idea
DJvictoriousT (11:02:33 PM): chelsea?!
DJvictoriousT (11:02:38 PM): she sucks hard core
DJvictoriousT (11:02:47 PM): maybe he likes that
blnd44illini (11:02:52 PM): noelle didn't say a single word to him
blnd44illini (11:02:54 PM): also, zing
blnd44illini (11:03:01 PM): she just cried
blnd44illini (11:03:10 PM): that always works on guys... dammit
blnd44illini (11:04:09 PM): HOT DOG VENDOR... peace out - you called it
DJvictoriousT (11:04:16 PM): amy!
blnd44illini (11:04:24 PM): amy is rogue too
DJvictoriousT (11:04:28 PM): i'm suprised he knew her name
blnd44illini (11:06:04 PM): YES "everyone hates robin"