NEW BLOG SERIES UPDATE

DJ Victorious, Jeflow and I will be coming out of retirement beginning the week of August 9 to liveblog ABC's "The Bachelor Pad."

Let the unintentional (intentional?) hilarity ensue!

Show description below, via IMDB. Sounds a lot like The RW/RR Challenges to me, and that's a GOOD thing.

"The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" meet "Big Brother" in this elimination contest, in which 19 castoffs from the ABC dating games face weekly challenges while living under the same roof. In the opener, they move into the bachelor pad, where their first challenge -- a game of Twister -- awaits. Then, before the elimination, there's a day-night group date. Chris Harrison and Melissa Rycroft are the hosts.

See you in a couple of weeks! While you wait for us and the show, let's take over/unders on the number of female contestants that Chris Harrison has already banged. Awwwwkwarrrrrd.

Bachelor Blog Hometown Dates, now featuring Lorenzo Lamas and Janice from the Muppets

It’s time for the hometown dates, loyal readers. We have Noelle, Shayne, Meeps and Chelsea getting to bring our handsome bachelor home. We’ll start out with our reactions to the previews of the episode.

Jeflow1 (10:03:16 PM): well hello
Smurftastic (10:03:27 PM): LORENZO!
DJvictoriousT (10:03:29 PM): yes!!!!!
Smurftastic (10:03:40 PM): he is rather squinty
Smurftastic (10:04:05 PM): OMG MOM LIP KISSING!?!?!?!?!?!?
Smurftastic (10:04:10 PM): mrs meeps!
DJvictoriousT (10:04:26 PM): i'm guessing that chelsea's mom is another crazy one.... like into astrology

Now it’s time to Shayne’s hometown date, where we start off having a quick meal of wine and cheese w/ Lorenzo Lamas, then go to her mom’s house to have pot roast w/ mom and sister.

DJvictoriousT (10:04:38 PM): LAMAS!!!!!!
Smurftastic (10:04:42 PM): what does this tell us about the episode that they are STARTING w/ lamas?
DJvictoriousT (10:04:46 PM): Welcome to the Z-list Matt
Smurftastic (10:05:17 PM): please join me for some cheese? seriously?
DJvictoriousT (10:05:33 PM): I just saw her weave stitching
DJvictoriousT (10:05:53 PM): oh - i;m sorry, the white girls call them "extensions"
Jeflow1 (10:06:07 PM): aged
Jeflow1 (10:08:04 PM): what's up with the f*cked up uneven nostrils
Jeflow1 (10:08:12 PM): on shayne
DJvictoriousT (10:08:19 PM): is matt crying?
DJvictoriousT (10:08:23 PM): i would be....
Smurftastic (10:08:28 PM): lorenzo plays mind games
DJvictoriousT (10:09:15 PM): do you get the impression that lamas is kind of pissed that his daughter is getting more camera time than he is right now?
DJvictoriousT (10:09:26 PM): woah - those nostrils are weird!
DJvictoriousT (10:09:29 PM): what is that?!
Smurftastic (10:09:38 PM): nose job?
Smurftastic (10:09:46 PM): missy piggy?
DJvictoriousT (10:10:00 PM): shayne does kind of resemble miss piggy
DJvictoriousT (10:10:58 PM): and shayne's mom looks like Janice from the Muppets
Smurftastic (10:10:59 PM): shayne, your mom... WOOF
DJvictoriousT (10:11:03 PM): they're a whole Muppet family
DJvictoriousT (10:15:29 PM): WHAT is THAT?
Smurftastic (10:15:50 PM): OH MY GOD
Jeflow1 (10:16:13 PM): shaynes out
Jeflow1 (10:16:25 PM): you think
Smurftastic (10:16:26 PM): nice fake boobies, mrs. shayne
Smurftastic (10:16:40 PM): oh no i'm sorry, those are your lips
DJvictoriousT (10:17:05 PM): that seriously is Janice from the Muppets
Jeflow1 (10:17:24 PM): why do think lorenzo left her
Jeflow1 (10:17:36 PM): he screwed up
Smurftastic (10:17:42 PM): he went plastic surgery broke
Smurftastic (10:18:04 PM): OH good - mom showing how flexible she is
DJvictoriousT (10:18:20 PM): http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Janice
DJvictoriousT (10:19:18 PM): That's a bit of a Muppet mess if Janice ends up being Miss Piggy's mother
Jeflow1 (10:19:22 PM): i can't wait to meet her grand pap and great uncle
Jeflow1 (10:19:31 PM): their up in the balcony
Smurftastic (10:19:35 PM): holy lipliner batman
DJvictoriousT (10:19:51 PM): he is REALLY into Shayne
Smurftastic (10:19:54 PM): on google image search for "janice the muppets" the last picture on the first page is of new york from I Love New York
Jeflow1 (10:20:08 PM): there was nothing brilliant going on in that house
Smurftastic (10:20:12 PM): shaynes mom is like hte same sort of deal as hot chicks with fat friends
Smurftastic (10:20:23 PM): everyone looks better in comparison
Smurftastic (10:21:33 PM): i realize that is incredibly shallow... but seriously, that is the only explanation i have for why he's SO attracted to shayne after that visit

Now we go see Chelsea somewhere where it snows. I forget where, and I don’t really care. At the end of the date there is making out, obvi, cause we must recall that Chelsea had the homemade fantasy suite card last week.

Jeflow1 (10:25:29 PM): a little cold for all that cleavage
DJvictoriousT (10:26:56 PM): i don't understand her father's haircut
DJvictoriousT (10:27:00 PM): or mustache
Smurftastic (10:28:16 PM): her blush is pretty intense
DJvictoriousT (10:28:48 PM): matt needs to consider the fact that when chelsea ages she will most likely look like her mother...normal....when shayne ages, she will also look like her mother. enough said.
Jeflow1 (10:29:03 PM): good point
Jeflow1 (10:29:39 PM): when the good bye was the best part of the date

Now Noelle’s date. We meet mom, dad and sister… on their ranch. Matt and Noelle go on a horseback ride before meeting the parentals. Her dad mentions that they look like the “Last Supper”… OK….

DJvictoriousT (10:30:05 PM): I forgot who Noelle was. She's gone.
Jeflow1 (10:30:17 PM): great another bitter can't find a man sister
Smurftastic (10:34:00 PM): ummmm covered wagon in the front yard?
Smurftastic (10:34:12 PM): is that like the cowboy version of the frat boy couch on the lawn?
DJvictoriousT (10:34:43 PM): that looks dangerous - kissing while riding 2 horses
Jeflow1 (10:35:12 PM): get some pictures this could be the last you see him photographer girl
Jeflow1 (10:36:29 PM): and kisses better than grand pa too!!!
DJvictoriousT (10:37:25 PM): i feel uncomfortable
Smurftastic (10:37:46 PM): i don't think that at the last supper jesus mentioned he could get his legs over his head
Smurftastic (10:37:50 PM): i could be mistaken
Smurftastic (10:39:22 PM): ok i'm over the ranch
Smurftastic (10:39:26 PM): i want horny mom
Jeflow1 (10:39:40 PM): we all do
DJvictoriousT (10:39:35 PM): i know - give us the good stuff

Now we finally get the good stuff when we get to meet Meeps’ parents. The previews show her mom trying to make out w/ Matt and grabbing his nipples. Then Meeps’ dad sees and gets pissed off. We are excited. Oh but wait, Meeps reveals that she wanted to play a prank on Matt and hired actors to be douchey parents. Matt immediately freaks out and starts drinking. Matt still gets to have dinner with her real parents, then Meeps brings him up to her room for makeout party.

DJvictoriousT (10:40:46 PM): she hired actors?!!!!
Jeflow1 (10:40:49 PM): actors damn
Smurftastic (10:40:49 PM): ACTORS
Smurftastic (10:40:50 PM): LAME
Smurftastic (10:45:51 PM): OH MY GOD
Smurftastic (10:46:20 PM): and i would be reacting the same way as matt = drinking excessively
DJvictoriousT (10:46:25 PM): this prank is a little in poor taste
Smurftastic (10:47:02 PM): COUGAR
Smurftastic (10:47:45 PM): so will they not get to meet real parents/
DJvictoriousT (10:47:58 PM): there's only 10 minutes left....
Smurftastic (10:48:02 PM): EW EW EW EW
DJvictoriousT (10:48:08 PM): he just said nipple
Smurftastic (10:48:14 PM): i just puked in my mouth a little
Smurftastic (10:48:32 PM): so. awkward.
Smurftastic (10:49:25 PM): FAKE DAD TRIPS DOWN THE STAIRS

Now it’s time for the rose ceremony cocktail party. Noelle is sent home. She thinks it’s because she can’t open up

DJvictoriousT (10:50:51 PM): who goes?
DJvictoriousT (10:50:53 PM): i say noelle
Smurftastic (10:51:04 PM): i think chelsea
Jeflow1 (10:51:13 PM): caron agrees with noelle
Jeflow1 (10:51:49 PM): i'm going with meeps
Jeflow1 (10:53:50 PM): matt should get even with a fake rose
Jeflow1 (10:53:14 PM): shayne's a mess
DJvictoriousT (10:54:05 PM): good call
Smurftastic (10:54:31 PM): yes! meeps!
Smurftastic (10:54:36 PM): preseason MVP
Smurftastic (10:55:28 PM): DJ Vic = victorious
DJvictoriousT (10:55:36 PM): as usual
Smurftastic (10:55:48 PM): i think it was casue Noelle was dressed the least slutty
Jeflow1 (10:56:11 PM): the sisters screwed her
Smurftastic (10:57:22 PM): so far handling it maturely
Smurftastic (10:57:24 PM): ish
DJvictoriousT (10:57:41 PM): i don't think she was totally into it
Smurftastic (10:57:47 PM): i concur

Previews of next week – vacation date to Barbados. Things are promised to get sexy before Matt eventually picks a gal and then proposes.

DJvictoriousT (10:58:45 PM): "get sexy"
DJvictoriousT (10:58:57 PM): chelsea is out

Bachelor Blog - on location!

Sorry for the lack of bachelor blog last week… but it was national championship basketball. Sports are way more important than judging. This week, Matt takes all the ladies to Idaho to go skiing. There will be 2 individual dates and a 4 person group date. The remaining four get hometown visits next week. DJ Vic was absent this week.

Smurftastic: i was sad to discover i missed the episode when crazy singer was axed
Jeflow1: it was so weird
Smurftastic: i saw a clip
Smurftastic: and it was AWFUL
Smurftastic: as was the song
Smurftastic: i would just like to throw out there that it is amazing how slutty you can look in the freezing cold

Chelsea gets the first one on one date, and gets to go on a romantic sleigh ride, where Matt admits he really gets along with her, but doesn’t know if she can be romantic. She mentions that she hates PDA and has a fear of holding hands… okay….

Jeflow1: we're ready to sleigh ride
Smurftastic: who is afraid of holding hands?
Smurftastic: freak
Jeflow1: she has manhands
Smurftastic: i empathize... i occasionally have had issues w/ sweaty boy hands

Chelsea decides to show how she can be romantic. Even though fantasy suites aren’t till the end, she gets up to leave randomly… and decides to write a note and invite herself to Matt’s room for the night. Classy.

Jeflow1: Chelsea is doing well
Jeflow1: she has to go throw up her food
Smurftastic: HOMEMADE FANTASY SUITE CARD
Smurftastic: HOLY CRAP
Smurftastic: slutttttttttttttt sesh
Jeflow1: wow
Jeflow1: what was that only two drinks and he has her
Smurftastic: maybe there was straight whiskey in the coffee cups on the sleigh
Smurftastic: or beer... they could have been budweiser clydesdales
Jeflow1: when you said clydesdales did you mean the horses or Marshanda and Robin
Smurftastic: both... but i prefer the horses, cause they probably smell better

Shayne, Robin, Miss Earth, and Meeps get the group date. Matt takes them skiing/snowboarding and then they head to an outdoor hot tub. Robin infiltrates Shayne and Matt’s snow makeout. This is, of course, after Chris Harrison has told us multiple times that “the biggest confrontation in bachelor history” is on the way.

Jeflow1: how is shayne still there
Jeflow1: robin brings the hate
Smurftastic: odds on racial slurs tonight in the "biggest fight in bachelor history?"
Smurftastic: prolly from robin
Jeflow1: 3 to 1
Smurftastic: zing virgin on the snow joke
Jeflow1: Marshanda looks hot in the ski gear - it must be the layers
Smurftastic: super skinny ones freak me out
Smurftastic: people get grumpy when they're hungry

Shayne wipes out on her snowboard… and immediately pulls out a compact and brushes and starts doing her makeup with Matt sitting next to her in the snow.

Smurftastic: ugh she sucks
Smurftastic: i bet she borrowed the compact from dad

In comes Robin on the snowboard.

Jeflow1: plow
Jeflow1: cock block
Smurftastic: he does not seem amused by robin
Smurftastic: i mean if he's got this connection w/ her, why doesn't he want to be alone w/ her?

Alone in a hot tub, Meeps tells Matt that her family lives in a doublewide trailer and will cook him dinner if he goes to visit them.

Jeflow1: possum
Smurftastic: YES TRAILER! From a preseason MVP.
Smurftastic: YES
Smurftastic: redneck girls are feisty in bed
Smurftastic: or so i've heard
Jeflow1: that's not a possum eating body
Smurftastic: maybe she just eats the tail
Smurftastic: less fat there
Jeflow1: it sounds like you have had a little redneck in you
Jeflow1: what was his name
Smurftastic: it's called growing up in Illinois and i have family in arkansas
Smurftastic: driving through hickland missouri and arkansas on the way to little rock can be, shall we say, very eye opening

Noelle, then, gets the last one on one date. He takes her ice skating. They both suck at it. Matt makes a comment that he thinks he looks like an ice robot. They also share a heart to heart about scars. Chicks dig scars.

Smurftastic: his main objective is to "know" Noelle... biblically
Jeflow1: holding hands
Jeflow1: she one up on chelsea
Jeflow1: it's tough to skate after a car wreck
Jeflow1: maybe she wrecked into ice skaters

Now the girls left at home get in a fight. Someone tells Miss Earth that it seems like she sometimes has a bad attitude. This is, of course, after she claims to “know how he lives.” Shayne sounds uncharacteristically smart when she says that Miss Earth can’t honestly believe that this is how he acts in real life.

Smurftastic: hahahahaha this is amazing
Smurftastic: she just gets pissy for NO REASON
Smurftastic: i don' tknow if you caught that, but "she will not have it"
Smurftastic: i love when arguments just involve repeating the same stuff over and over again
Smurftastic: it is a valid lawyering strategy that i intend to use

Marshana is in confessional after the argument to tell us how she is a great person, and a giver, and otherwise awesome.

Smurftastic: "I am a great person"
Jeflow1: i'm sorry somethings with my cable
Jeflow1: flavo flav just came on
Jeflow1: oh wait it's still the bachlor
Smurftastic: maybe trailer girl would be like a preview of rock of love

At the cocktail party (hahaha COCK tail)… the girls vie for Matt’s attention… interrupting each other. Harrison says Robin will do anything to get a hometown date.

Jeflow1: i hope she doesn't try panty
Smurftastic: so when harrison said "robin will do anything to get there," I just started hearing meatloaf in my head
Smurftastic: she will do anything for love
Smurftastic: but she won't do that
Smurftastic: i resent it
Smurftastic: damn you harrison. damn you!
Jeflow1: i want the home visit to shayne's
Smurftastic: OMG... WILL LORENZO MAKE AN APPEARANCE?
Smurftastic: i bet ther eis some kind of contract that shayne must make it hometown

Miss Earth and Matt are having 1 on 1 time… Chelsea, who fought with Marshana the night before, butts her way into the convo. Miss Earth is less than pleased, because that means she doesn’t get a kiss.

Jeflow1: she can take a hint
Jeflow1: or not
Smurftastic: chelsea may not be straight
Smurftastic: i just don't know if she knows it
Smurftastic: she seems disgusted with him
Smurftastic: FACE EATING MAKEOUT

While Chelsea and Matt are making out… Miss Earth is explaining that it was wrong to interrupt. Robin and Shayne point out that she would do the same thing if the roles were reversed. She gets angry, and tells Robin, “at least I sleep every night, and I’ll drink to that.”

Jeflow1: call it what you will; but please call it a word that i understand
Smurftastic: why does it matter that miss earth sleeps every night?
Smurftastic: why do you need to drink to that?
Smurftastic: i sleep too
Smurftastic: most people do
Smurftastic: why is that worthy of celebration?
Jeflow1: i have to drink to sleep

Matt lets Miss Earth and Robin go… after thanking the girls for tugging at his heart.

Smurftastic: they've tugged at more than his heart
Smurftastic: YES LORENZO... NEXT. WEEK.
Smurftastic: meeps!
Smurftastic: robin is gonna flip out

Robin and Marshana have very different ways of complaining about being kicked off. First… Marshana…

Jeflow1: say my name say my name
Smurftastic: she sounds like tyra when she kicks someone out of america's next top model

Now Robin, who only tells Matt “bon soir” and then walks away without letting him say anything to her.

Smurftastic: F BOMB
Smurftastic: think harrison gets a bitch three way?
Jeflow1: what did she call him
Jeflow1: she called him a bum sore
Jeflow1: she called him a hemorrhoid

Previews of next week…

Smurftastic: YES LORENZO!
Smurftastic: mom making moves
Smurftastic: amazing
Jeflow1: i can't wait
Smurftastic: alright if DJ Victorious misses lorenzo, we are no longer friends

Credit shot = Marshana skiing into a line divider for a ski lift and wiping out.

Smurftastic: HAHAHA
Smurftastic: that was the best credit shot... ever
Jeflow1: the little tramp that could
Smurftastic: miss earth = clotheslined!
Smurftastic: OWNED

Past Bachelor update!!!!!!

OMG! My internet stalking has paid off. Justjared.buzznet.com has this story about ANDY BALDWIN'S (Officer and a Gentleman moron bachelor) new GF... MARLA MAPLES!!!! Seriously? HAHAHAHAHA...An ex-Trump = AWESOME.

http://justjared.buzznet.com/2008/04/03/andy-baldwin-marla-maples-beach/

BACHELOR BLOG IS BACK BABY!

Bachelor Blog is back – and it’s going international! We didn't do the live blog this time, cause the show premiered on St. Patrick's Day, and... well... enough said. Anyway, due to the magic of abc.com... I got to watch it online instead of trying to find a job or doing any sort of homework.

FYI - British bachelor accent inevitably means I will be inappropriately in love with him right from the start.

So his name is Matt, he's a banker, and he lives in my favorite city in the world.

Gratuitous Abbey Road street crossing shot. Normally I would be offended, but this guy is hot, and is already showing a pretty decent sense of humor. And he’s young. As bachelorettes go, aren’t they usually way younger than he is? We’re gonna see a 16 year old I bet. Do they have statutory rape in England? And the show title as a The Clash throwback? Wow. This theme may turn out to be more exploited than the “An Officer and a Gentleman” theme song. Harrison looks like a leprechaun next to this super tall bachelor. I’m starting to regret the fact that I was mainly joking when I said I would go on the Bachelor. Instead of douchey Americans, I could get a British banker. OH AND HE SAYS HE LIKES MUSICALS!?!?! And does a semi-gay sounding American accent. Big fan.

Preseason favorites – Amanda R. in the navy dress. She lived in England and is an account executive; Robin who likes soccer and lived in London; Noelle in a gold dress. AMANDA GETS THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE – I’M SO GOOD AT THIS!

Preseason whores – everyone in a dress with cut outs, especially Stacey (and she’s from Chicago… giving IL girls a bad name – and lower back tattoo visible through the dress cut out? That’s a double whore move – AND SHE THREW UP THE SHOCKER! - see below)

Preseason moron - Shayne the actress from LA – but he seems to like her. Gross – at least she’s not anorexic skinny. HER DAD IS LORENZO LAMAS? Wow. Unexpectedly random.

Preseason stalker – chick in the left hand ring who said it was a placeholder for his engagement ring; singer songwriter who wrote him a song (also she might be too smiley).

33 year old hot dog vendor? SERIOUSLY? Homemade genie outfit? SERIOUSLY? Playing the clarinet? “It has to be wet in order for it to vibrate” That’s what she said. Also that girl’s a nerd alert.

Girl who worked for Bush seems pretty crazy. But not as crazy as the girl who bit through a beer can. I pick beer can girl. (Carri… but she just said “all that and a bag of chips” - ugh).

OK and the whore from Chicago has warranted her own paragraph. Inner thigh rub while he’s talking to her. And she has lots of open mouth smiling. He is absolutely disgusted by her. And she just called him boring. SHE THINKS LONDON IS BY THE OCEAN… hahahahaha. This chick is awesome. What she knows about London is efficient cars. He won’t keep her around cause he clearly hates her… but I hope he keeps her cause she’s a f*cking train wreck. I am somehow reminded of Britney Spears. SHE PUTS HER PANTIES IN HIS PANTS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This chick is unbelievable. One day her kids will see this. I hope they will be proud. Erin H. just called her fat. AND now whore has just passed out. God she wins. Gasp, she doesn’t get a rose. I can’t believe it.

I judge the girls who cry on the first date. Also these toasts would be so much better if he was drinking beer like a real Brit.

Seems like this season will be awesome, and looking forward to mocking it for all of you. Also, I'm saving a special time for blogging about the new Dancing With the Stars. I am only watching till they kick off Guttenberg. After that they are dead to me. Steve Guttenberg=amazing. I'm so excited.

Bachelor Blog - FINALE!

Wow. Just wow. Little intro is needed about this PHENOMENAL Bachelor finale. Jenni vs. Deanna. Giggles vs. Normal by comparison.

First things first. Smurftastic is watching her first Illini basketball game of the season, and has a few things that she is excited to share with each of you. 1) MICHAEL JORDAN is there. And he's wearing orange and blue. GOD. DAMN. RIGHT. 2) First Jay Bilas sighting of the season. The boys have Erin Andrews. I have Jay Bilas and Digger Phelps' matching highlighter. YUM.

A few other preBachelor thoughts:

blnd44illini (10:04:13 PM): I would like first discuss the 20 minutes of Dancing with the Stars I saw tonight
blnd44illini (10:04:24 PM): ummmmmmmm Scary spice got HUUUUUUGE boobs
DJvictoriousT (10:04:43 PM): brad looks pensive
DJvictoriousT (10:04:50 PM): maybe he say scary spices boobs
blnd44illini (10:05:05 PM): they were frightening ... or SCARY - zing
blnd44illini (10:37:03 PM): did ANYONE besides me see that Bruno and Carrie Ann from Dancing with the Stars are getting their own show?
blnd44illini (10:37:16 PM): IT FEATURES BRUNO DANCING and possibly singing
DJvictoriousT (10:39:05 PM): very saturday night fever - i'm going to the casting call
DJvictoriousT (10:40:00 PM): we can blog about it

Deanna arrives to meet Brad's family (which includes the non-twin/non-cute brother)... and Deanna is wearing an...

blnd44illini (10:05:13 PM): ORANGE shirt
blnd44illini (10:05:16 PM): i want deanna to win
blnd44illini (10:05:18 PM): it's done
DJvictoriousT (10:05:27 PM): go illini!
DJvictoriousT (10:06:01 PM): who's that other dude?
DJvictoriousT (10:06:06 PM): the non-twin?
blnd44illini (10:06:34 PM): they don't show him much... he must be less cute
blnd44illini (10:06:37 PM): mom just said "petting"
DJvictoriousT (10:06:59 PM): deanna would do well as a trial attorney....she answers questions directly
blnd44illini (10:07:22 PM): true - she seems so down to earth - but i wonder if that's just in comparison with jenni

Brothers push Brad in the pool - haha they are so playful (giggle):

DJvictoriousT (10:07:58 PM): that was a set-up
Jeflow1 (10:08:09 PM): Jeff just said the same thing!
DJvictoriousT (10:08:09 PM): chris wanted to see the boys wet
Jeflow1 (10:08:19 PM): In goes Mom?
blnd44illini (10:08:25 PM): gratuitous wet tshirt contest
Jeflow1 (10:11:29 PM): Alright, I called Deanna as the winner from the first show. Jeff thinks Jenni (the dancing clown) will win. Girls...your picks?
blnd44illini (10:12:25 PM): I want Deanna... but i think he'll pick Jenni based on the clips from the beginning of the show - but i feel like Jenni will say "no I won't move to texas"
DJvictoriousT (10:12:49 PM): I agree with smurftastic
blnd44illini (10:13:01 PM): her heart belongs to the phoenix suns
DJvictoriousT (10:13:39 PM): i do love omaire stoudemaire
DJvictoriousT (10:13:51 PM): i most likely spelled that wrong
blnd44illini (10:14:04 PM): a respectable attempt, to say the least

Jenni arrives to meet the family... mom seems less than impressed when Jenni won't say she's in love with him.

blnd44illini (10:16:34 PM): I think her laugh may be more annoying than fran drescher

Brad sits w/ his mom to discuss the ladies.

Jeflow1 (10:17:24 PM): Here comes the real truth from Mom
Jeflow1 (10:18:14 PM): I don't buy it. You either know or you don't know.
Jeflow1 (10:18:23 PM): But, then there would be no show.
Jeflow1 (10:19:10 PM): if he can't choose between two of them...then neither is the right choice.

The girls have one more night to convince Brad they're the one for him - Deanna bakes him cookies and makes lasagna

DJvictoriousT (10:22:53 PM): Now...I don't doubt Deanna likes him....but I feel like she's trying to convince herself she "loves" him
blnd44illini (10:23:07 PM): BAKING - total Smurftastic move - and w/ the orange...
DJvictoriousT (10:24:55 PM): you know what brad needs to help guide his decision.....a drunk "Animal"

Commercial break - day after Thanksgiving shopping ads:

blnd44illini (10:27:20 PM): um are you guys seeing the kohl's commercial?
blnd44illini (10:27:26 PM): 4 AM? seriously?
blnd44illini (10:27:41 PM): that is one hell of an early bird special
Jeflow1 (10:27:54 PM): wall-mart opens at 5am
Jeflow1 (10:28:07 PM): i may do both
Jeflow1 (10:28:13 PM): so may brad
blnd44illini (10:31:43 PM): i think he already did - ZING

Jenni gets weepy when she tries to tell him her true feelings. Gives him her journal, and reads it to Brad.

DJvictoriousT (10:32:38 PM): showing vulnerability....could backfire....could work
blnd44illini (10:33:45 PM): YES GIFT
DJvictoriousT (10:33:53 PM): collage?
DJvictoriousT (10:33:55 PM): poem?
blnd44illini (10:34:01 PM): dance shoes?
DJvictoriousT (10:34:23 PM): poem!
DJvictoriousT (10:34:25 PM): i win!
blnd44illini (10:34:38 PM): is this a poem or prose ?
blnd44illini (10:34:40 PM): it doesn't rhyme
blnd44illini (10:34:48 PM): but it MAY be in iambic pentameter
Jeflow1 (10:34:50 PM): it's not a poem...it doesn't rhyme
DJvictoriousT (10:34:53 PM): she's a "real" poet. real poets don't rhyme
blnd44illini (10:35:03 PM): that's not true. Tupac rhymed
DJvictoriousT (10:35:22 PM): OMG
DJvictoriousT (10:35:25 PM): and you're right
DJvictoriousT (10:35:29 PM): good tupac reference
blnd44illini (10:35:51 PM): it's all for you

Brad gets ready to break one of the ladies' hearts.

Jeflow1 (10:40:44 PM): brad should've shaved
DJvictoriousT (10:41:21 PM): jenni goes first
DJvictoriousT (10:41:27 PM): could be a bad sign

Jenni gets rejected:

blnd44illini (10:42:45 PM): OWNED
DJvictoriousT (10:42:51 PM): wow
blnd44illini (10:42:52 PM): YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS orange ALWAYS wins
blnd44illini (10:43:58 PM): even when crying, Jenni seems smiley
DJvictoriousT (10:44:06 PM): she kind of looks like a muppet
DJvictoriousT (10:44:12 PM): but i like muppets
blnd44illini (10:44:22 PM): HAHA her hair got caught in his stubble
blnd44illini (10:44:41 PM): almost as good as a snot bubble, which i am also watching for
DJvictoriousT (10:45:01 PM): she's keeping it together remarkably well
DJvictoriousT (10:45:13 PM): respectble exit
blnd44illini (10:45:29 PM): we haven't heard the limo interview yet
Jeflow1 (10:46:05 PM): was that a cb behind her?
blnd44illini (10:46:10 PM): HARRISON
Jeflow1 (10:46:15 PM): breaker breaker
blnd44illini (10:46:24 PM): she has said "whole wide world" twice in the limo alone

Brad talks about his feelings for Deanna

Jeflow1 (10:50:12 PM): double dumping ?
blnd44illini (10:50:14 PM): i don't know how i feel about this dress... but they match... so that's nice
blnd44illini (10:50:29 PM): dump her and bring back hillary?
DJvictoriousT (10:51:12 PM): do you think harrison put him up to this so he could bang jenni?
Jeflow1 (10:51:24 PM): well yes

As soon as Brad tells Deanna he sent Jenni home, he starts pulling at his tie, and then leaves the "proposal platform" to...???? Deanna looks confused... mirroring our emotions.

blnd44illini (10:51:54 PM): ummmmmmmm what is going on
Jeflow1 (10:51:54 PM): wow
blnd44illini (10:51:58 PM): holy crap holy crap
DJvictoriousT (10:52:07 PM): is he having a heart attack?
Jeflow1 (10:52:09 PM): wigging out
blnd44illini (10:52:18 PM): Did they just do a twin switch?

Brad dumps Deanna. That's right. He dumped them both.

DJvictoriousT (10:52:36 PM): holy shit!
blnd44illini (10:52:58 PM): OH MY GOD
blnd44illini (10:53:11 PM): double dump - Jeff was right about not being sure about anyone
Jeflow1 (10:53:27 PM): thank you
Jeflow1 (10:53:30 PM): rookies
DJvictoriousT (10:53:29 PM): in some way....brad just brought respectability back to the Bachelor
DJvictoriousT (10:53:37 PM): i applaud him
blnd44illini (10:54:02 PM): and here is deanna w/ the cross examination
DJvictoriousT (10:54:27 PM): she is pissed!
blnd44illini (10:55:13 PM): WOW... harrison threesome action is imminent
DJvictoriousT (10:55:33 PM): harrison planned the whole thing! - that cad!
blnd44illini (10:55:39 PM): OR brad confesses he has fallen in love w/ harrison - and there is a gay makeout

Deanna's limo interview:

blnd44illini (10:56:55 PM): come on dee dee give me a snot bubble ... F BOMB
blnd44illini (10:57:39 PM): i feel like jenni will need to be informed that he also dumped dee dee DJvictoriousT (10:57:51 PM): that would ease the pain slightly

Final shot: Just Brad sitting alone next to the rose pedestal.

DJvictoriousT (10:57:56 PM): is he crying?
blnd44illini (10:58:19 PM): SERIOUSLY - no explanation?
DJvictoriousT (10:58:22 PM): wow

Credits shot is just Deanna walking slowly back to her room. Alone.

blnd44illini (10:59:47 PM): i want harrison to come behind her w/ no pants on
DJvictoriousT (11:10:07 PM): i'm actually kind of disturbed by this ending
blnd44illini (11:10:38 PM): I am liking it more and more by the minute
blnd44illini (11:10:46 PM): i bet the producers were PISSED at him

So. Yeah. He dumped them both. I don't really know what else to say. Besides... THOSE CHICKS GOT OWNED! Just. wow. Way to go Brad. Maybe ABC signed him for 2 seasons of this because of the writer's strike. I would watch it again... not gonna lie. "After the Final Rose" is tomorrow... maybe live blog, maybe not... we like to keep you guessing. For now, the Fighting Illini are leading Arizona State by 20 points with 9 mins to go in the 1st half. Suddenly am less apprehensive about our prospects this season. Go Illini!

Bachelor Blog - FANTASY SUITE night

Brief thoughts as I'm catching up on Bachelor:

1) Jenni straight up asked for the fantasy suite card. I know he's hot. But let's decrease the whore quotient... just a bit.
2) Bettina's response on the boat... "Brad looked really hot." So romantic. He got a handjob... minimum in the ocean. Pre fantasy date hookup? Classy. Bettina is SO gone. She should have been gone last week. But DJ Vic and I developed a theory today. Brad kept her around cause he knew she'd be easy to get in the fantasy suite. Easier than crazy Sheena ('s mom) at least.
3) Buggy driving w/ Deanna. Big fan of the fact that she kicked his ass. Wow... all of these girls straight up said before the dinner that they were planning on boning him. Is this show still PG? Deanna is really matter of fact when she's telling him that she loves him. Seems a bit like she's rehearsed this. But it's better than crying cause you're so overcome w/ emotion.
4) Rose Ceremony. Brad says the weather is tumultuous. In that one word, he said more syllables than last season's Andy did in an entire episode. Jenni looks like a whore, Bettina is wearing an old lady dress... and Deanna looks classy. She is my favorite of the ones left. Least annoying. Bettina knows she's not getting a rose before he even says it. The look between Deanna and Jenni after Bettina leaves is one of pure hatred. I wish they could just arm wrestle for the ring next week. Bettina handling things surprisingly well. She's had divorce practice though (zing). OH F-bomb from Bettina. I like it. More F-bombs... fewer tears.

Bachelor Blog - HOMETOWN DATES

Sorry for all the delay on Bachelor Blogs. Here's one (out of order)... from 2 episodes ago. DJ Victorious is not present in this one, so it's not as in depth (or sexxxxxxxxxy... rarr)...

So this is the hometown date episode, where we all get to find out how CRAZY all these girls' families are... and what they'll look like when they get older. Mom... grandma... yeesh.

blnd44illini (10:02:16 PM): the lack of your niece online right now is very disappointing
Jeflow1 (10:02:45 PM): Hmmm...where is she?

First up, Phoenix Suns dancer, Jenni from Wichita
We get to see Brad getting ready for the date:

blnd44illini (10:04:28 PM): ah gratuitous shower scene
blnd44illini (10:04:33 PM): not unnecessary at all

We see Jenni waiting for Brad

Jeflow1 (10:04:42 PM): Hey smiley
Jeflow1 (10:04:58 PM): Cheerleader clap!
blnd44illini (10:05:05 PM): she'sWAY too giddy
blnd44illini (10:05:13 PM): that wasn't even a good cheerleader clap
Jeflow1 (10:05:13 PM): Nice teeth...all 300 of them.
blnd44illini (10:05:18 PM): that was a whore cheerleader clap

Jenni performs her first on stage dance ever for Brad

blnd44illini (10:05:36 PM): dancing... on a pole
Jeflow1 (10:05:43 PM): laughs way too much.
Jeflow1 (10:05:53 PM): oh, the hand kisser too
Jeflow1 (10:06:06 PM): Hee, hee, hee, hee...puke!
Jeflow1 (10:06:16 PM): Are you kidding me?
Jeflow1 (10:06:32 PM): What is she hoping to get by doing this?
blnd44illini (10:06:41 PM): the lack of music is creeptastic

We finally meet the family. Grandma is, well, INDESCRIBABLE. Mostly because we can't understand what she's saying. It's like drunken stroke victim from the deep south. OUCH.

Jeflow1 (10:08:14 PM): Gremlin Grandma
blnd44illini (10:08:20 PM): YESSSS creepy grandparents
blnd44illini (10:08:28 PM): they're my faves
Jeflow1 (10:08:23 PM): Nice eye makeup
Jeflow1 (10:12:15 PM): I think she's excited.
blnd44illini (10:12:33 PM): that's so unlike her
Jeflow1 (10:12:31 PM): OK...not diggin the baby talk
blnd44illini (10:12:42 PM): hand kiss AGAIN
Jeflow1 (10:13:10 PM): Grandma looks like a smoker
blnd44illini (10:13:31 PM): and a scotch drinker
blnd44illini (10:13:37 PM): and by drinker i mean drunk right now
Jeflow1 (10:13:39 PM): Does she speak English?
blnd44illini (10:14:10 PM): GRANDMA just said walking baby factory

Jenni's mom washes Brad's hair for 1 on 1 time:

Jeflow1 (10:14:34 PM): OK...her breasts are in his face.
Jeflow1 (10:14:43 PM): I think Mom has it for him.
Jeflow1 (10:14:52 PM): Mom has dirty elbows
blnd44illini (10:15:17 PM): ummmmmmm you know how they say you should look at the mom and grandma to see what daughter will look like when she gets old?
blnd44illini (10:15:27 PM): brad should be pretty scared
Jeflow1 (10:15:26 PM): Exactly
blnd44illini (10:15:33 PM): i bet she can keep him REAL busy
Jeflow1 (10:16:18 PM): Nice...Dad making him feel real comfortable
Jeflow1 (10:16:50 PM): Dad's a drinker too
Jeflow1 (10:17:07 PM): Baby talk, baby talk.
Jeflow1 (10:17:12 PM): Smiley
Jeflow1 (10:17:30 PM): Third hand kiss is a charm
blnd44illini (10:18:42 PM): god w/ the crying
blnd44illini (10:18:49 PM): he's such a sucker for the crying
Jeflow1 (10:19:20 PM): It seems like she's in the lead...there's got to be something wrong with her.

Now we head to Sheena's house. Mom is putting on the ridiculous pressure.

Jeflow1 (10:24:16 PM): dad dyes his hair
blnd44illini (10:25:03 PM): i think he uses the same color as the mom
blnd44illini (10:25:09 PM): did her mom just ask his sign?
blnd44illini (10:25:17 PM): is this a seventies porno?
Jeflow1 (10:25:55 PM): bev wants him
blnd44illini (10:26:02 PM): Mom seems to want to make out w/ him
blnd44illini (10:26:19 PM): too creepy about the signs - i think she's high
blnd44illini (10:27:26 PM): ummmmmmmmmmmm
blnd44illini (10:27:36 PM): i am uncomfortable watching this
blnd44illini (10:27:48 PM): i think mom might be the deal breaker
blnd44illini (10:28:12 PM): she obviously never read "The Rules"
Jeflow1 (10:28:24 PM): mom will join them in the jacuzzi
blnd44illini (10:29:01 PM): "oh brad, i forgot my swimsuit... but the stars align"

Now we head to Deanna's house

blnd44illini (10:35:37 PM): i enjoy this dad
blnd44illini (10:35:44 PM): he seems less like a pedophile

Grandma and Grandpa arrive... and break out the... SHOTS? NICE!

Jeflow1 (10:37:58 PM): let the party begin
blnd44illini (10:38:30 PM): grandpa and grandma GET AFTER IT
Jeflow1 (10:39:19 PM): wow
Jeflow1 (10:39:34 PM): we may have a winner

Now to Bettina the divorcee's house.

Jeflow1 (10:40:17 PM): wow her dad is stephen king
blnd44illini (10:42:08 PM): at least we know she has money?
blnd44illini (10:42:16 PM): and will probably kill him in his sleep
Jeflow1 (10:43:05 PM): silly girl
blnd44illini (10:44:22 PM): dad's hair is ridiculous
blnd44illini (10:46:01 PM): mom's a bitch
Jeflow1 (10:46:40 PM): hag
blnd44illini (10:46:48 PM): ewwwwwwww auntie is not cute
Jeflow1 (10:47:31 PM): ease up spock
blnd44illini (10:48:17 PM): this is why you should never date someone who has little dogs
Jeflow1 (10:48:45 PM): only stephen king would name his dog scary

Basically Bettina's family treated brad like COMPLETE garbage. When he called her out on it... She's like "whatever I don't look good on paper either." Brad gets pissed, Bettina shoves her foot farther and farther into her mouth by insulting Brad to... alleviate the tension?....

blnd44illini (10:49:31 PM): punch her brad
blnd44illini (10:49:31 PM): do it
Jeflow1 (10:49:56 PM): bettini we hardly knew ya
blnd44illini (10:50:48 PM): yeah peace out
blnd44illini (10:51:01 PM): i've never felt so confident in a "not getting a rose" pick
Jeflow1 (10:52:36 PM): and she has awful hair

ROSE CEREMONY

Jeflow1 (10:52:56 PM): can deanna steal one of jenny's smiles
Jeflow1 (10:53:59 PM): can bettina be saved by sheena's mom?????
blnd44illini (10:54:11 PM): i don't know
blnd44illini (10:54:14 PM): crazy vs. bitch
blnd44illini (10:54:18 PM): the ultimate battle

Sooooo Bettina gets a rose and Sheena is sent home.

blnd44illini (10:54:21 PM): WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
blnd44illini (10:54:25 PM): NO WAY
blnd44illini (10:54:26 PM): NO WAY
blnd44illini (10:54:38 PM): that is RIDICULOUS
Jeflow1 (10:54:35 PM): sheena's mom was the deal breaker
blnd44illini (10:54:51 PM): wow
blnd44illini (10:55:01 PM): i know she was crazy
blnd44illini (10:55:05 PM): but still
Jeflow1 (10:55:01 PM): that's some shit there

Brad goes to talk to Sheena, who seemed to take the rejection remarkably well, at first...

blnd44illini (10:55:41 PM): "let's be friends"
blnd44illini (10:55:58 PM): i thought i was going to respect her for keeping the tears in
blnd44illini (10:56:02 PM): but i was clearly wrong
Jeflow1 (10:56:16 PM): it's not you it's me
blnd44illini (10:56:45 PM): don't lie about the chemistry - its that her mom is bat shit crazy
Jeflow1 (10:57:20 PM): B-rad is that guy

Jeflow1 (11:00:00 PM): goodnight...DJ VICTORIOUS missed some good shit

Bachelor Blog - Episode 4

OK... so I'm watching this one online right before the new episode tonight... so here are some brief thoughts:

1) I still really like Brad... but I think he's a little awkward w/ the cameras. On the one on one date with Phoenix Suns dancer... he actually said "come here to me please" before he made out w/ her. He's a good TV kisser though... doesn't appear to be eating her face.

2) Bettina made a shaving pubes joke at improv. I'm really uncomfortable... I hope he was too. Hillary was great. Small mouth acupuncturist freaked out cause she's awkward and not funny. Cries again. If she gets a rose, my theory that Brad is scared of girls crying is proved. Steffi called that too - I think I may like her the best now. Esp since McCarten turned into a giant bitch. Pubes girl (Bettina - formerly divorce girl) got the rose. I smell a Bevin. She seems crazy.

3) 2 on 1 date. Last weeks bitchy Jade (with the bad bangs) goes with HUGE bitch Dee Dee (her accent is out of control, btw). I'm already entertained by this and it's still the commercial. WOW the interrupting each other starts right away. Also why are both the girls wearing aprons before food is even served? Meanwhile - back at the house... divorced/pubes girl tells the others about divorce, and they call her a used car whose tires need to be kicked. They're sweet. It's time to send one of the mean girls home - Jade goes home. So the tag team of evil that is Dee Dee and McCarten stay around. Awesome. Evil people make TV shows exciting.

4) Rose ceremony - Brad thinks Kristy is too refined for him. YES... he's a party boy. I'm going to crash the 'after the final rose' show and steal him for myself. Sheena almost cries... and holds it back. I REALLY enjoy her. They find out that Jenny got the first kiss. Everyone else thinks she's a whore. Whatever it's just a kiss... chillax. McCarten plays the cry card. I think for next season's Bachelor Blog, I'm going to make an excel spreadsheet of the girls when they cry, when they say "let my guard down," or "here for the right reasons" and when they go home - see if I can find some sort of correllation. It could be a sociological study - as this blog always is (but you, our loyal readers, already know that). Tonight Bettina appears especially tan. And by tan, I mean orange. McCarten and Steffi go home. Both preseason MVPs. I judge myself on my picks for this one. Don't really care about McCarten, cause she's bitchy - she also says that she still sees Brad as the father of her children (this is after he dumped her, by the way - I smell Fatal Attraction.) Steffi is awesome. She's the prettiest and seems down to earth. She will be missed. As of now... I want Sheena to win. Viva la blondes.

Live blog for the next episode. Get excited.

Bachelor Blog - Episode 3

Oh! Date 3 and Phoenix Suns girl has already asked him to go long distance so she could finish out her season, because she wants to be the person she falls in love with. I think the official scaring off has begun. This show is like more effective than “The Rules” for what not to do with men I think.

First official negative points for Brad. He mentions that he feels like the king of the world, “Like that kid from Titanic.” Judge him a little for this… but still enjoy him overall. At the circus date, one girls screams WAY too much. Can’t tell who it was but I hope he gets rid of her. I may go deaf.

So it’s the standard pretty woman million dollar jewelry date with Hillary. Judging by the look on her face, Jade may stab her in her sleep tonight. And Hillary cries before dinner even starts, and basically tells him she wants to settle down, and he has to hug her and make her feel better. Chill out please. But he seemed to sort of like it. HMMMMMMMM. Isn’t that against the rules? I need to reevaluate this. Now the cry count is up to 2 on this date, cause she really wants to love someone. I’m uncomfortable watching this. She needs to level out. Perhaps some medication is in order. Hang on... pity rose is given and a makeout. Shows that boys really can’t handle when girls cry. If she can carry this crying all the way to the proposal… I am not going another week of my life without crying in front of a boy I like. Or even think is cute. If it can work for this creepy chick, it can work for me.

So far, no idea if my preseason MVP picks will work out, but after watching Solisa give him a lapdance, I’m pretty confident in my preseason whore pick.

First girl to say she was in love is Bettina, divorced girl. On a jet ski. Not even face to face. On the third date. Wonder why she rushed into the marriage the last time.

Rose goes to Kristy the acupuncturist from Chicago. She seems actually pretty boring. And has a strangely small mouth. But despite bad impressions from the first episode, I might grow to like her.

TWIN SWITCH TIME!
Twin doesn’t have great teeth. But I still think he’s pretty cute. He’s married tho. And he just got told if a girl pulls him aside into a room, he should go with it. So he may cheat on his wife with his twin's future wife. Awesome. Also their names are Chad and Brad. Of course. Not cheesy at all. First two girls have NO IDEA that it’s not him. Sheena figures it out. Good call on her part. I bet she makes it to the final four cause it seems the twin really likes her too. Sarah realizes something is different… but doesn’t catch he’s a twin. I really enjoy that the girls who figured it out didn’t tell the others, and just let them look like idiots… great times.

Bitch alert – Deanna and Jade.
Stereotype alert – the model didn’t figure out it wasn’t Brad, and looked like an idiot. Bartender didn’t figure it out either. Evidently, college degrees are important.

Rose handouts:
Sent home – the 2 girls who had no clue it wasn’t him, and the whoreish one, Solisa. So, sorry Brad, no more lapdances. “He did see the very special parts of me because I wear them on the outside (ahem…boobjob… ahem)… but he evidently didn’t like that part.” Back to the strip club, where they do appreciate what you wear on the oustide. Model is crying. She apparently loved him already, but whatever. 3 dates. Quit bitching. Move on.

This season seems somewhat more exciting than last, cause some of the girls are pretty evil, but I'm still wishing there were more drunken disasters. They make EVERYTHING more entertaining.

Thoughts on the Bachelor, Episode 2:

The bachelor can tell a lot by a woman by how much she bets. Yeah that’s great. Take girls who know you’re loaded and want to marry you and get them started gambling earlier. Awesome idea.

Girl falls down the stairs. I hope she was drunk. Otherwise it’s not funny or amusing. It is Michelle from New Jersey. So ugly and bad balance. Not good. Wow I’m a not nice person. She can’t go on the first date. I smell a Bevin.

I love that in a commercial preview they have a shot of Solisa (preseason whore) from the back, right after she takes off her swim suit. AND she has a tramp stamp. Of course. Even better, as they’re showing this, you hear her say – "I’m a Christian and I usually stick to my morals." OBVIOUSLY.

McCarten makes moves for the 1st kiss. HAHAHAHAH the bachelor just said “I can’t lie, it wasn’t good”…. Then he wipes it off. So apparently bad call on the preseason MVP.

Early rose to DeAnna. She busts out the “my 5 year boyfriend cheated on me.” Yet another addition to the preseason sob story. Girls go to bust up a possible kiss. I agree on this part. Reality love shows wouldn’t be anything w/out cockblocking.

For the beach date, Brad shows up in a wooden beach car. WAY better than the DeLorian. This guy could emasculate Andy from last season just by looking at him. The girls are trying way to hard to get his shirt off. It’s a little rape like. As is Solisa (whore) making him do a body shot. During the day. Not at a bar. Immediately before she tells him she’s a Christian w/ morals and strong values. Jesus loves body shots. It’s what he would do, of course. Off of fake boobs. Like Solisa’s. Who has a tramp stamp.

First official makeout goes to Jenni w/ the Phoenix Suns. DUH. Preseason MVP. But also kind of slutty. Whilst she’s making out, the other girls go through her stuff and find her modeling book. I’m now pegging her as a fantasy suite dater, who goes home after meeting the family. I now am really enjoying Sarah the happy girl - prediction: ending up at least in the final 2.

Bettina is divorced-girl. At least she’s cuter than Bevin. And got too scared to tell him. Whore who got in the pool on the first day basically demands him to make her breakfast in bed, and not have her have to work. Clearly golddigger award goes to this chick. Girl with the bad bangs (Jade) tries to jeopardize the other girls. Everyone is going to hate her I bet, but I see her going far in the competition. Remember Lacey from Rock of Love?

Brad just said "understatement". I think that is more syllables than Andy was able to say all season last year. Suffice it to say, no wonder Andy and Tessa are no longer together. She’s too smart for him.

AND girl who falls down the stairs does not get a rose. I want to say Brad is a dick for this, but I have to agree. Pool whore doesn’t get one either. Good.

The sluttiness factor on this Bachelor may be unprecedented… and previews say the Full House twin switch makes an appearance this week. Get excited.

Thoughts on the first episode of the Bachelor - sorry it's so late

It’s creepy that Chris Harrison keeps calling him “the sexiest bachelor ever.” Also, Chris just called him that to his face. Odds on a Chris-Bachelor makeout? PRETTY HIGH. Awkward.

Also, he’s not that sexy. Nice eyes tho. The fact that he’s a bar owner leads me to believe there will be some embarrassing drunkenness… which is always fun.

Identical twin? CLUTCH. I smell some Full House Olsen twins switches. Like it.

Ok the comments from the girl who is worried about being tall are getting old.

Walking out of the limo prejudgment/preseason picks.
Preseason MVPs – McCarten (weird name girls always go far. I think it’s cause it’s easier to remember them. Also enjoy the Phoenix Suns dancer. She’s smiley and had the cutest dress. Natalie the law student, but I could see in the side of her dress and her boob pads. Also think Jade has a shot. He seems to love commenting on people’s names, so the money is on him picking weird named girls. Also think chick from Argentina has a shot.
Preseason whores – Riginia “aka Miss Brown Sugar” slash armband tribal tattoo. Yuck. Julie without an E from the Windy City; Solisa from Austin. Fake boobs, nipples showing in formalwear. Gross
Preseason try too hard – Girl in the supercute striped dress, Deanna – speaking greek Dbag; and the girl who broke her face; Susan girl in the poor fitting silver dress.
Don’t understand how she made the show? Michelle from NJ

This guy is growing on me. FAST.

First episode narrowing it down.
Preseason MVP – Phoenix Suns Jenni, Steffie from Argentina
Most amusing – Eye point webbed toes girl. He clearly thinks you are loser. I like that he just laughed at her behind her back. I am clearly in love w/ the Bachelor
Most desperate – Tongue reading Kristy the acupuncturist. Chick who gives him yellow rose, and sings him a horribly untalented song; journalist
Drunkest. Clearly boob girl who keeps saying sweet – Melissa (hilarious when she didn’t get a rose) I hope that they bring her back, or at least have open bar at the “after the final rose” show
Pretty dumb – Mallory “get in the pool and take off your pants?" Girl
Still don’t understand how they made the show – Jersey girl - you are not cute
Sob story of the year – Deanna and dead mom

Roses all handed out - preseason MVP gets first impression rose. I'm pretty good at guessing this stuff.

Dear Bio teacher – you’ve known him for like 2 hours. Stop crying.

Also, was this an all night party? It was dark when they arrived, and Chris said good morning before the rose handout. No wonder Melissa was drunk.

Big fan of the bachelor they picked this time. Seems like much less of an idiot than Andy last year. Also has a "McSteamy" from Grey's anatomy quality. NICE.

More updates to follow as i get caught up.

Important Announcement for our avid readers

Dear Avid Blog readers (all 5 of you... all of whom are family members. We are cool):

Due to your numerous requests, DJ Victorious and I will be resuming our Bachelor blog series. Apparently this season is less shitty than last, and even though Smurftastic has an ongoing Monday commitment (Monday Night Football)... we will be catching the Bachelor episodes online, and judging the classy women and man (and Chris Harrison) to our (and your) hearts content.

You are welcome.
Hugs and kisses,

Smurftastic

The BBCS part Thrice!!!

Ok, for all those who missed me... I'm back to finish up these BBCS updates. So far we've learned about the abbreviators and the dudes w/ numbers in their names, and for lack of a better way to categorize... I give you.... BOY BANDS LEFT IN THE BBCS UP THROUGH THE LETTER M.

The Beatles:

• Strength of Schedule 4 - not exactly primo time for Boy Bands between 1960 and 1970... but probably the strongest musical era of all time.
• Overcoming adversity 3 - lost their original drummer and had to pick up a dude named Ringo. Lots of drugs, fighting and Yoko. Problem is, they didn't really overcome that adversity well... they broke up. Yoko sucks. Anway... they were only around for 10 years, and the world needed them for much longer; Plus, in the 80s... Michael Jackson bought the rights to almost all their songs. And now is crazy. Good times
• Album Sales 5 - still destroying the charts even after two of them are dead.
• Tour/Merchandise 4 - didn't tour after August 29, 1966... just made AMAZING studio albums. Still selling merchandise like crazy though, although didn't really have marionette dolls while they were alive (ahem, NSYNC)
• Artistic Performance 5 - probably the greatest band of all time as far as being creative and unique with their music but still selling TONS of albums. Extra points for Sgt. Pepper's and the White Album for creative covers and fun outfits
• Alumni Success 4 - John was quite successful with solo albums till some crazy dude shot him, Ringo made country albums, George made stuff about being Hindu and awesome, and Paul had Wings (subpar... but still not too shabby), amazing live albums, and Heather Mills being a whorebag and divorcing him. They will still always be "The Beatles," and never as successful apart as they were together... but not too bad if you can get it.
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 5 - Smurftastic's favorite band of all time... she judges all those who say they don't like the Beatles, and also doesn't understand you.
• Miscellaneous 4 - fewer points here cause they aren't really a boy band... they are too awesome. And one of the few bands who was ever able to truly outgrow the bubble gum pop phase and still be successful. However, get kid points: Julian Lennon shares Smurftastic's bday, and Stella McCartney is one of her favorite fashion designers.
• Post-success nostalgia 5 - its the Beatles for crappsakes. All you have to do is look at the success of their compilation albums (Anthology, 1, among others) and their new Vegas show. They are the shit and a half.

Total Score - 38

Boyzone:

• Strength of Schedule 3 - around 1993-2000... so the tail end of NKOTB/Boyz II Men era and the beginning of the NSYNC era
• Overcoming adversity 3 - from Ireland, not exactly known as a hotbed of musical activity, Stephen Gately came out of the closet, and his boyfriend's name was Eloy de Jong (ridiculous), and he was a Dutch boyband singer
• Album Sales 2 - apparently their first four albums went to #1 in the UK. Also have a bunch of compilation CDs... Smurftastic cannot name a single song of theirs.
• Tour/Merchandise 2 - apparently sold out a tour (35,000 tickets in Ireland) in less than 4 hours. But no idea anything about merchandise
• Artistic Performance 1 - no idea at all... assuming artistic performance was minimal because their name was non-creative
• Alumni Success 2 - one of them has a solo career, the gay one does well in West End musicals, one is a music producer, one is on a British soap opera, and one was on "Celebrity Love Island"... Smurftastic still doesn't know any of their names off hand
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 2 - Smurftastic has only heard of them, not any of their songs or names.. but Mama Smurftastic LOVES whatever Boyzone song they played on her light rock radio station
• Miscellaneous 1 - Colin Farrel tried out to be in the Band and didn't make it!!!!! Young female celebs he devirginized say "thank you."
• Post-success nostalgia 1 - none.

Total Score: 17

Backstreet Boys

• Strength of Schedule 5 - around during the boy band explosion of the late 90s
• Overcoming adversity 3 - one of their members was named Howie. Otherwise, not that cute... and weren't very good dancers. Also, were put together by captain creep (Lou Pearlman) himself
• Album Sales 4 - Wikipedia estimates that they have sold over 100 million albums worldwide. However, their first week sales were DESTROYED by a certain awesome band (NSYNC)
• Tour/Merchandise 4 - Apparently sold over 1 million tickets to their Black & Blue tour in 24 hours. HOWEVER, Smurftastic went to one of their earlier shows. Garbage. They tried to be cool w/ a circular stage, but Howie was on her side the entire time. Plus Kevin had a piano that dropped from the ceiling. Cheesy. Big merchandise sales, though. Wikipedia says that over $14 million in merchandise was sold during their 1999 tour, and have sold over 200 million books.
• Artistic Performance 4 - their slower songs were (admittedly) better than NSYNC, and their vocal talents were greater... but they weren't as good at the fun beats and the dancing. Plus lacking a bit of personality, if you ask Smurftastic.
• Alumni Success 3 - got back together after Nick Carter put out a rock solo album (haha). Nick and his family had a show on E! about their dysfunction. Kevin has since left the band to perform in musicals. AJ went to rehab. Wikipedia says a new album is going to be released in July.
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 4 - despite the NSYNC Loyalties... Smurftastic can't really hate on BSB. Their earlier albums were decent, even though the concert was subpar... she's a fan.
• Miscellaneous 3 - Special thanks to Nick Carter for getting famous and opening the door to a certain someone named Aaron Carter, who gifted the world with such musical gems as "Come Get It" and "That's How I Beat Shaq": he even sang a song and did a video with his brother. HILARIOUS. Also, "The Perfect Fan" is an adorable mother's day song. Also... please enjoy this excerpt from the Wikipedia page: - "In 2000, the Backstreet Boys teamed with Stan Lee to produce a Web-based franchise named The Backstreet Project which chronicled the adventures of the Backstreet Boys as cyber-crusaders. The project debuted as a limited-edition collector's comic book that was sold exclusively at Backstreet Boys concerts. The animated series was launched on the Web in the summer of 2000 using Macromedia Flash animation and was sold out on the first day." - BAAAAhahahahahahahaha
• Post-success nostalgia 4 - awwwwwww... remember the "Thriller"-like dance to Everybody (Backstreet's Back) and that one video at the airport to the song that didn't really make sense???? Good times.

Total Score - 34

Color Me Badd

• Strength of Schedule 3 - around in the early 90s... had to deal w/ NKOTB and Boyz II Men, but that's about it
• Overcoming adversity 3 - for starters, their name was Color me Badd. Also they were pretty unfortunate looking.
• Album Sales 1 - had one major hit (featuring "I Wanna Sex You Up" and other big singles), but other than that, not too much
• Tour/Merchandise 1 - nothing on Wikipedia about any tour or merchandise. Don't think Smurftastic's sister ever saw them in concert, and that's about the time frame.
• Artistic Performance 2 - artistry really present only in the name here, and provocative lyrics. Because telling a girl you want to Sex her up is clearly the best way to get into her pants. Lieutenant Andy Baldwin probably used that line on Bevin.
• Alumni Success 1 - HA you've GOT to be kidding. One is an insurance agent, one married an American Idol contestant, and one was apparently on the VH1 reality show "Man Band"
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 1 - only funny for their name and HORRIBLE song
• Miscellaneous 2 - Billboard apparently says they are the 7th most successful band of the nineties, won some American Music Awards
• Post-success nostalgia 3 - thank YOU "Dick in a Box"

Total Score - 17

Dreamstreet
Instead of giving you actual information about this band, Smurftastic is instead tempted to just use the first line of the Wikipedia entry to give them a score of one: The group was initially put together by producers Louis Baldonieri and Brian Lukow and titled 'Boy Wonder', it featured several 11-14 year old boys from the New York Broadway/Acting scene. To be fair, however..... let's give them a real ranking

• Strength of Schedule 4 - Only around for 4 years... but during, again, the NSYNC BSB era
• Overcoming adversity 2 - their original name was "Boy Wonder." Enough said. The boys also sued their producers and won... but then were NEVER allowed to perform together again. The listeners are CLEARLY the losers in that situation.
• Album Sales 1 - Gold albums are for the weak
• Tour/Merchandise 1 - no info on Wikipedia
• Artistic Performance 1 - HA! Seriously??? Their biggest market was Nickelodeon commercials and radio Disney
• Alumni Success 2 - Jesse McCartney had a REALLY ANNOYING song and was on some WB show that my female roommates used to like. The rest of the guys... apparently you can find their solo music on their myspace pages... SCORE
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 1 - because Smurftastic feels bad about giving zeros, especially when she has NO IDEA about any of the songs these guys sing.
• Miscellaneous 1 - Broadway background???? Whatever.
• Post-success nostalgia 1 - Nope. If any of the readers really remember them... I almost feel bad for you. And I'M the loser blogging about boy bands in the first place

Total Score: 14

Hanson

• Strength of Schedule 5 - according to Wikipedia have been around since 1992... so lived through both the NKOTB and the end of Boyz II Men era AND NSYNC and BSB eras... good job guys
• Overcoming adversity 3 - well were pretty awkward. And brothers. And sang the song MMM Bop. By choice. Clearly adversity if I've ever seen it
• Album Sales 3 - their first album went platinum four times, one other platinum album and a gold album... plus at least 3 others on the charts
• Tour/Merchandise 2 - in 98... had an apparently successful tour called the Albertane tour. Also lots of unauthorized books sold. Smurftastic kind of recalls there being dolls... but no guarantees; could just be a hallucination
• Artistic Performance 3 - played their own instruments... seemed to spend quite a bit of time growing their hair.
• Alumni Success 1 - still together. The middle one got married really young. Smurftastic had no idea that either of the last two albums existed.
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 2 - Smurftastic is embarrassed to admit it... but she really enjoyed the This Time Around album
• Miscellaneous 1 - May 6, 1997, was declared 'Hanson Day' in Tulsa by Oklahoma's then-governor . Thank YOU Wikipedia
• Post-success nostalgia 2 - at one point (aka college) MM Bop was PRETTY hilarious when it came on when we were all wasted at some sort of theme party. Then we felt bad about it.

Total Score: 22

Menudo

• Strength of Schedule 4 - 1977-1996... Around for a long time. Extra points just for that.
• Overcoming adversity 3 - Boys replaced as soon as they turned 16. Most of them were probably even too young to bang groupies. Ouch.
• Album Sales 3 - almost 37 albums listed on Wikipedia. WOW...
• Tour/Merchandise 3 - "The Brazilian tour in 1985 was really successful, with more than a million fans, mostly teen girls, attending, but it was poorly organized. In a concert in Rio de Janeiro, the capacity was 60,000 but 70,000 tickets were sold and two women died. In São Paulo, a 100,000 capacity stadium was sold-out with 200,000 people. And in a stadium in Campinas, a city of São Paulo, it rained and the concert was delayed for 4 hours. In Fortaleza, the group had the same number of police around them as the Pope, when he visited the city." - Thanks for the info, Wikipedia
• Artistic Performance 1 - booo... just boy bands... No real dancing. Lots of skipping, methinks
• Alumni Success 3 - Ricky Martin. Got hot candle wax dripped on him. Danced. A lot. NICE. Apparently MTV Tres is holding auditions this year for the new members
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 1 - Smurftastic was probably too young to fully appreciate Menudo. She also doesn't speak spanish.
• Miscellaneous 1 - changed their name to MDO in 1997. Should maybe have been included in the abbreviators
• Post-success nostalgia 2 - Menudo as a whole is pretty hilarious. Once saw the older members reunite on Regis and Kelly. Pretty awkward/hilarious

Total Score: 21

The Moffats

• Strength of Schedule 2 - have been around since 1990, but rode the book boy band popularity of the late 90s to pop stardom
• Overcoming adversity 1 - although some would say the fact they are Canadian is adversity... but they are wrong
• Album Sales 1 - Wikipedia doesn't even have a website on them... so probably, not.
• Tour/Merchandise 1 - please see above
• Artistic Performance 1 - Ha!
• Alumni Success 1 - No idea. At. All.
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 0 - the name the Moffats always reminds Smurftastic of Mullets. She wishes they had mullets, because writing about them would be more interesting
• Miscellaneous 2 - the band was made up of a big brother, and then triplet brothers. Triplets are pretty rare... worth a couple of points
• Post-success nostalgia 1 - does anyone really remember them??? Anyone???

Total Score: 10

The Monkees

• Strength of Schedule 3 - around from 65-70... same time as Jackson 5, British invasion, and 60s pop explosion
• Overcoming adversity 3 - always considered a Beatles knockoff... but there are worse things to be thought of as... plus John Lennon was a fan; also they wanted to be able to play their own instruments, but their producers wouldn't let them.
• Album Sales 4 - quite a few number one and top 5 albums
• Tour/Merchandise 2 - toured quite a bit, but had to use guest musicians, and when they tried to play themselves, it was awkward
• Artistic Performance 3 - didn't really have a lot of power over their own music, but still had some coordinated swaying, and that's always good times.
• Alumni Success
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 5 - Smurftastic considers the Monkees an official guilty pleasure. Much like all boy bands. Plus the brady bunch episode was hilarious
• Miscellaneous 4 as mentioned above, Davy Jones was on the Brady Bunch. And in the Brady Bunch movie. Plus they wore ridiculous 60s clothes. Good times.
• Post-success nostalgia 4 VHI had a Monkees TV show marathon, and it got awesome ratings. Go figure.

Total Score: 28