Dancing With The Stars... no live blogs, but some comments

So... we are into the final 7 of Dancing with the Stars. Lance is still in, thanks, I'm sure, in no small part to the fact that I vote for him multiple times per week... GO LANCE! Here are my thoughts on the season so far:

• Cloris Leachman is ridiculous. Watching her was like watching a car accident, and not even one of the good ones. I get really sad when amazingly talented people are clearly losing it (being on DWTS would be a hint, I guess)... on a great note, watching her was like watching her character in Now & Then every week (the gambling grandma with a wig, remember?) Awesome.
• Lance really has been making me feel bad about the fact that I always called him the worst dancer in NSYNC. Really. He has a legitimate complex about this, and I contributed to it. I must say, however, that I am a huge fan of he and Lacey. At first, I thought she was going to be too different and rebellious for the show, but she's good for Lance. GO LANCE GO! Him going home will be very depressing, perhaps almost to the level of when Steve Guttenberg went home.
• Warren Sapp is awesome. It's great to see a big man make moves like that, and he's legitimately entertaining.
• In the first episode, Kim Kardashian said she doesn't understand why she has terrible balance. If you don't immediately pick out the irony of that (huge ass), then you need to read celebrity blogs.
• Not only did my Halloween costume foster my Hannah Montana addiction, but now I have to deal with Cody being with my favorite female dancer and being awesome? Ugh.
• I have a girl crush on Brooke Burke.
• Susan Lucci is awkward. She kind of gets the steps, but wow it looks odd.
• Don't care that Toni Braxton went home, she's irritating
• Huge fan of Michael Flatley as the backup judge... he's less douchey than Lou, and I can fast forward when he does dances that give me migraines.
• I think Bruno would make a good pet. He's ridiculous, but I bet I could legally muzzle him when I wanted him to shut up.
• It's too bad Misty May Treanor got hurt, she had some potential... but that was a great injury video with that crack. It makes the athletic trainer in me smiley.
• I say more group dances. Watching Lance dance around in mullet wig while Susan Lucci legitimately tries to do a hip hop dance = what reality TV should be about. Plus Warren was being awesome more. I could handle a ballet group dance.... or a Broadway. It only ends well.

Smurftastics ideal final 3: Lance, Brooke, Warren

Smurftastic's predicted final 3: Brooke, Warren, Cody

Smurftastic's predicted winner: Warren

Audience members I hope to see: JC Chasez, Justin Timberlake, Miley Cyrus, Billy Ray Cyrus, Steve Guttenberg

Tom Bergeron is Dead to Me

DTM, Dancing with the Stars. DTM. (FYI, DTM means Dead to Me)


Also DTM... America. How do you vote off the Gutt? He was so smiley! LAME!


And check out the turtleneck ability of this guy! AWESOME.

Viva la Guttenberg!

Dancing with the Stars, Season 6 has started. Sorry that I didn't get anything out last week. I haven't watched all the episodes. Suffice it to say I'm only watching this season due to my love of Steve Guttenberg. Here's a review of the first 3 full episodes.

If Penn isn’t out within 3 weeks, I will be very surprised.

With Brett Favre retiring, I needed to find a new football crush. Jason Taylor is officially in the running. YUM. Also very likely that he and Edyta (his partner) will bone before this is over.

Adam Corolla = not as bad as I thought he’d be.

Now for the second episode… didn’t get all the way through the first, but too bad. No one got kicked off anyway.

Guttenberg in a white suit and lime green shirt. I already know it’s gonna be awesome. Obviously he is the guy I am rooting for. Female I want to win = chick from Hairspray or Kristi Yamaguchi. Mostly Kristi. I used to love figure skating as a kid.
Steve is first. He’s gonna get sexy with it. He called hit a macho mambo combo. Normally I judge people who use phrases like that. Normally I’m not watching Guttenberg. He also has a decent shimmy. And he’s so smiley it just makes me happy. Oh Steve. If Tom Selleck and Ted Danson do not appear in the audience later in the season, I will be pretty disappointed. They get semi crappy reviews, and his partner FREAKS. She seems like kind of a bitch. But a good balance with Steve’s awesomeness. Also the female host just called him “The Gut.” AMAZING.

Mario is probably the male front runner. Dude can move.

Ugh. Monica Celes picked for the early exit. So awkward.

Shannon Elizabeth is gonna go far. She can really dance, and most of America has seen her boobs. Recipe for success.

Hairspray chick = adorable. She has heavy chick anxiety, but her partner seems really nice.

Deaf people = better dancers than people with one leg. There. I said it. Suck it Heather Mills.

I missed Mario…again. But he’s supposed to be awesome. Whatever. The tweens will vote for him this week anyway.

Anyone who loves me should vote for Guttenberg as many times as possible. This weeks Guttenberg related quote: “There's a quarter of a million dollars in heroin in the diaper pail and the new baby wipes are in the hall cabinet.”

BACHELOR BLOG IS BACK BABY!

Bachelor Blog is back – and it’s going international! We didn't do the live blog this time, cause the show premiered on St. Patrick's Day, and... well... enough said. Anyway, due to the magic of abc.com... I got to watch it online instead of trying to find a job or doing any sort of homework.

FYI - British bachelor accent inevitably means I will be inappropriately in love with him right from the start.

So his name is Matt, he's a banker, and he lives in my favorite city in the world.

Gratuitous Abbey Road street crossing shot. Normally I would be offended, but this guy is hot, and is already showing a pretty decent sense of humor. And he’s young. As bachelorettes go, aren’t they usually way younger than he is? We’re gonna see a 16 year old I bet. Do they have statutory rape in England? And the show title as a The Clash throwback? Wow. This theme may turn out to be more exploited than the “An Officer and a Gentleman” theme song. Harrison looks like a leprechaun next to this super tall bachelor. I’m starting to regret the fact that I was mainly joking when I said I would go on the Bachelor. Instead of douchey Americans, I could get a British banker. OH AND HE SAYS HE LIKES MUSICALS!?!?! And does a semi-gay sounding American accent. Big fan.

Preseason favorites – Amanda R. in the navy dress. She lived in England and is an account executive; Robin who likes soccer and lived in London; Noelle in a gold dress. AMANDA GETS THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE – I’M SO GOOD AT THIS!

Preseason whores – everyone in a dress with cut outs, especially Stacey (and she’s from Chicago… giving IL girls a bad name – and lower back tattoo visible through the dress cut out? That’s a double whore move – AND SHE THREW UP THE SHOCKER! - see below)

Preseason moron - Shayne the actress from LA – but he seems to like her. Gross – at least she’s not anorexic skinny. HER DAD IS LORENZO LAMAS? Wow. Unexpectedly random.

Preseason stalker – chick in the left hand ring who said it was a placeholder for his engagement ring; singer songwriter who wrote him a song (also she might be too smiley).

33 year old hot dog vendor? SERIOUSLY? Homemade genie outfit? SERIOUSLY? Playing the clarinet? “It has to be wet in order for it to vibrate” That’s what she said. Also that girl’s a nerd alert.

Girl who worked for Bush seems pretty crazy. But not as crazy as the girl who bit through a beer can. I pick beer can girl. (Carri… but she just said “all that and a bag of chips” - ugh).

OK and the whore from Chicago has warranted her own paragraph. Inner thigh rub while he’s talking to her. And she has lots of open mouth smiling. He is absolutely disgusted by her. And she just called him boring. SHE THINKS LONDON IS BY THE OCEAN… hahahahaha. This chick is awesome. What she knows about London is efficient cars. He won’t keep her around cause he clearly hates her… but I hope he keeps her cause she’s a f*cking train wreck. I am somehow reminded of Britney Spears. SHE PUTS HER PANTIES IN HIS PANTS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This chick is unbelievable. One day her kids will see this. I hope they will be proud. Erin H. just called her fat. AND now whore has just passed out. God she wins. Gasp, she doesn’t get a rose. I can’t believe it.

I judge the girls who cry on the first date. Also these toasts would be so much better if he was drinking beer like a real Brit.

Seems like this season will be awesome, and looking forward to mocking it for all of you. Also, I'm saving a special time for blogging about the new Dancing With the Stars. I am only watching till they kick off Guttenberg. After that they are dead to me. Steve Guttenberg=amazing. I'm so excited.