Bachelor BlogFest... THE FINALE

So here we are, back for the final episode of this exceedingly dull season of the Bachelor, "Officer and a Gentleman." To recap... Tessa (Smurftastic's preseason MVP) and Bevin are the two women left. They will go meet Andy's parents and then have one more date before he gives the final rose and an engagement ring to one lucky lady in Hawaii. We decided to do one more blogfest, even though the episode's haven't given us much to work with.

After some flashbacks of Tessa and Bevin's "Journeys", we get to meet Andy's family - Mom, Dad, Grandpa, Grandma, and sister.

blnd44illini (9:07:16 PM): GODDAMMIT i hate flashbacks
DJvictoriousT (9:07:41 PM): do you see him sucking in the stomach!
DJvictoriousT (9:07:45 PM): priceless!
blnd44illini (9:08:16 PM): chris harrison is merely reminding me how much i hate bevin
DJvictoriousT (9:09:34 PM): do you think that andy wears an ear piece so the producers can tell him what to say?
blnd44illini (9:10:28 PM): if andy wears an ear piece, chris harrison's preschool aged son is behind the mike
blnd44illini (9:06:22 PM): and the ugly sister trend continues, it appears
DJvictoriousT (9:12:13 PM): i think he just tackled his grandfather
Jeflow1 (9:13:23 PM): andy get your hand off your mother's knee
Jeflow1 (9:13:31 PM): it's weirding me out

Tessa arrives to meet the famliy:

Jeflow1 (9:14:58 PM): poor pap just wanted to do his crossword puzzle
blnd44illini (9:15:38 PM): judging by Andy's level of intelligence, I'm not sure that Pap can read enough to do a crossword
Jeflow1 (9:15:47 PM): what's a five letter word for a whore who gets married while still in high school
blnd44illini (9:16:08 PM): B... E... V.... I... N?????
DJvictoriousT (9:16:08 PM): sodoku then. my grandfather just puts random numbers in and hopes that it works out
DJvictoriousT (9:20:05 PM): there's alot of teeth in the room right now
DJvictoriousT (9:20:39 PM): pap says "viable candidate" - she's in!
DJvictoriousT (9:23:28 PM): sister's hair is not the right dyed shade of red
blnd44illini (9:23:34 PM): over/under on the sister being adopted?
blnd44illini (9:23:42 PM): also... nice brow dye job
DJvictoriousT (9:24:08 PM): sister also need a haircut

Bevin arrives to meet the family, who seemed to really enjoy Tessa. Bevin is explaining her social work about menopause and getting it on.

blnd44illini (9:14:08 PM): she would specialize in sexual dysfunction
Jeflow1 (9:14:10 PM): pap just woke up
DJvictoriousT (9:14:10 PM): oh bevin. thank you for existing
blnd44illini (9:14:49 PM): yo if bevin doesn't win, who's in for a "some people knit" produced online reality show... Bevin and Bruno Find Love
Jeflow1 (9:26:20 PM): pap is on the religous kick
blnd44illini (9:26:28 PM): ew and the "he's turned on" kick
DJvictoriousT (9:26:35 PM): for being so religous, pap is awfully horny
Jeflow1 (9:26:45 PM): pap wants to hit bevin
blnd44illini (9:26:56 PM): we all do... but in VERY different ways
Jeflow1 (9:28:35 PM): what's the "be high" faith that bevin is into?
blnd44illini (9:30:17 PM): and i hope grandpa gives her a crucifix
Jeflow1 (9:30:17 PM): when he hisses at her
Bevin brings Andy a bouquet. Smurftastic does not understand.
blnd44illini (9:32:53 PM): yes menopause... PLEASE help mom out w/ problems
DJvictoriousT (9:34:09 PM): amazing face shots
Andy attempts to explain to his family (and the rest of America) why he likes Bevin so much.
blnd44illini (9:34:46 PM): should we really be talking about that "electricity" w/ your parents?
blnd44illini (9:35:04 PM): "basically she put out before everyone else, mom"
blnd44illini (9:36:29 PM): grandma is a BIG fan
DJvictoriousT (9:36:58 PM): i wouldn't put it past bevin showing grandma a "good time" to get her vote
DJvictoriousT (9:37:12 PM): slideshow!
Jeflow1 (9:37:33 PM): little squirt
blnd44illini (9:37:44 PM): that's what she said
In Bevin's interview, she explains how she would LOVE to be a member of Andy's family:
Jeflow1 (9:39:09 PM): "I would love to be a Baldwin"
Jeflow1 (9:39:16 PM): try alec
Jeflow1 (9:39:20 PM): or billy
blnd44illini (9:39:22 PM): remember, that also includes stephen
blnd44illini (9:39:24 PM): eeeeew
DJvictoriousT (9:43:36 PM): i'm pretty sure grandpa has been jockeying for camera time all night
Grandpa explains that being turned on by Bevin is probably not the only thing that matters in choosing a wife:
blnd44illini (9:44:40 PM): being turned on is NOT what counts in jesus' eyes
Jeflow1 (9:45:05 PM): pap will slip and call gram "bevin" sometime tonight
Jeflow1 (9:46:07 PM): i wish pap would not say long and hard
Jeflow1 (9:47:05 PM): they're more concerned with finding sister a husband
Jeflow1 (9:47:20 PM): that's the next show
Jeflow1 (9:47:35 PM): "who wants to be miserable"

After the family meetings, Andy seems to be having a hard time picking between the two. We all understand. Tessa (normal) v. Bevin (CRAZY) is an extremely tough call for anyone.

blnd44illini (9:49:34 PM): my old roommate on Tessa and Andy: "its true...he's got some fire crotch business going on in the family...i would peace out at that point"

Andy takes Bevin on their last real date... the "suprise", in fact is not in his pants, but a helicopter ride. Bevin is inappropriately excited.

blnd44illini (9:53:30 PM): the giggling is out of control
DJvictoriousT (9:53:56 PM): she might be crying
blnd44illini (9:55:57 PM): is that keg beer?
blnd44illini (9:56:05 PM): cause i may be falling in love w/ andy all over again

Bevin brings a card and a gift.

blnd44illini (10:06:06 PM): BRIBERY
DJvictoriousT (10:06:31 PM): this is setting up to be a fanstastically entertaining nervous breakdown ala bevin
Jeflow1 (10:06:43 PM): she got the watch out of the lucky crane machine in the lobby
blnd44illini (10:06:59 PM): god even if he loves her the most he should dump her if only for the watchability
DJvictoriousT (10:07:00 PM): his veneers are out of control

Bevin tells Andy that she loves him, he says it back...

blnd44illini (10:07:39 PM): waaiiiiiiiit
blnd44illini (10:07:44 PM): he's not allowed to say i love you
Jeflow1 (10:07:49 PM): their noses may be a problem
Jeflow1 (10:08:16 PM): the kids could come out looking like Alf
Jeflow1 (10:08:59 PM): what was on his pants
Jeflow1 (10:09:04 PM): a wet spot
Jeflow1 (10:09:18 PM): i have to rewind
blnd44illini (10:09:22 PM): "little squirt"
Jeflow1 (10:10:33 PM): there was a definite discharge...and i don't mean fron the navy

After a private horseback riding date, Tessa also gives Andy a present with a long letter telling him how he feels. He breaks Smurftastic dating rule #2... NO CRYING UNLESS SPORTING EVENT OR DEATH IN THE FAMILY RELATED.

DJvictoriousT (10:18:18 PM): are these gifts required?
Jeflow1 (10:18:43 PM): bevin is going to win by a nose
blnd44illini (10:24:56 PM): waiiiiiiit.... ANDY CAN READ?????/
blnd44illini (10:26:27 PM): wait he says i love you twice?
blnd44illini (10:26:32 PM): that used to be against the rules
blnd44illini (10:27:26 PM): also... pic collage... NICE MOVE
Jeflow1 (10:27:26 PM): i'd rather have the lucky crane watch
Jeflow1 (10:28:04 PM): "where did you find all of these words..and what do they mean?"
DJvictoriousT (10:29:12 PM): i got nothing - i hope they give me some material in this final half hour
DJvictoriousT (10:29:15 PM): i'm counting on bevin
blnd44illini (10:29:30 PM): i'm now watching family guy "road to rhode island"

We are reminded how boring the Bachelor has been this season, as Andy goes ring shopping.

blnd44illini (10:31:27 PM): soooooo... back to bachelor...i really think i should go on this show
blnd44illini (10:31:36 PM): free booze for 6 weeks, and losing all respect for myself?
blnd44illini (10:31:38 PM): DONE AND DONE
DJvictoriousT (10:36:10 PM): andy really wants to get married
DJvictoriousT (10:36:32 PM): he has no idea what this woman is talking about
DJvictoriousT (10:36:48 PM): he would rather get matching diamond-encrusted dog tags
blnd44illini (10:36:49 PM): durrrrrrrrr this is shiny

Andy goes running to "think things over" aka give us more gratuitous shirtless shots... cause for being dull... he sure is hot.

Jeflow1 (9:06:54 PM): he makes all of his big decisions shirtless
blnd44illini (9:07:09 PM): who doesn't?

The women get all dolled up for one to get rejected, and one to get engaged... "and live their dream of marrying an officer and a gentleman"

DJvictoriousT (10:38:30 PM): tessa looks like a bridesmaid right now, not a bride
DJvictoriousT (10:38:40 PM): and bevin looks like a call girl
blnd44illini (10:39:06 PM): my mom officially hates bevin for the tatoo visible with the formalwear
DJvictoriousT (10:39:24 PM): unacceptable
DJvictoriousT (10:39:35 PM): this coming from one with multiple tattoos
blnd44illini (10:39:39 PM): but in an evening gown... probably not
blnd44illini (10:40:51 PM): mamma nick thinks she knows chris harrison from HGTV
blnd44illini (10:42:16 PM): yesssssssssssssss... chris harrison... host of designer's challenge

Bevin gets out of the limo first. Unless they are trying to trick us, this spells disaster for her

Jeflow1 (10:41:33 PM): no day in heaven with bevin...She'll be home by eleven
DJvictoriousT (10:45:10 PM): harrison looks like he's going to a funeral
Jeflow1 (10:46:17 PM): it's bevin's funeral
blnd44illini (10:46:22 PM): i can only hope
Jeflow1 (10:46:22 PM): she's done
DJvictoriousT (10:46:30 PM): she knows
DJvictoriousT (10:46:51 PM): ultimate bachelor twist - he proposes to both and they all move to utah

Bevin is dumped, of course... cries... a lot. Andy breaks rule #2 and cries again.

Jeflow1 (10:47:28 PM): bevin - you can still have chris
blnd44illini (10:48:10 PM): YESSSSSS preseason MVP gets the win
Jeflow1 (10:48:25 PM): that really helped toolbag now she looks like a racoon
blnd44illini (10:48:45 PM): chris LOVES that look
blnd44illini (10:49:41 PM): STOP CRYING
blnd44illini (10:49:43 PM): stop crying
blnd44illini (10:49:47 PM): i hate men who cry
blnd44illini (10:49:49 PM): HATE it
DJvictoriousT (10:50:06 PM): he's sensitive
Jeflow1 (10:50:17 PM): i'm not crying...there's something in my eye
Jeflow1 (10:50:34 PM): oh...i bet you meant andy
blnd44illini (10:50:54 PM): perhaps, bevin should not have given up the poon before she gave up her heart
Jeflow1 (10:51:09 PM): what do you mean you don't normally do that
DJvictoriousT (10:51:12 PM): why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
DJvictoriousT (10:52:15 PM): i'm sure bevin's dad can help her get over this
blnd44illini (10:52:31 PM): my mom: "alright, get a grip, stop whining"

Tessa arrives to hear Andy's verdict:

DJvictoriousT (10:58:51 PM): i wonder how many times they shot his lines
DJvictoriousT (10:59:23 PM): i bet there's cue cards somewhere beind tessa's head
DJvictoriousT (10:59:44 PM): joan is SO not amused. totally over the officer and gentleman

Andy proposes, Tessa says yes... cheesiness ensues.

blnd44illini (11:00:47 PM): yo - what if she accepts the ring but not the rose
DJvictoriousT (11:00:54 PM): smart girl
blnd44illini (11:01:26 PM): THE DIP KISS not cheesy at all
blnd44illini (11:01:38 PM): AND THE THEME SONG - amazing
Jeflow1 (11:01:49 PM): hair behind the ear is his signature move
Jeflow1 (11:02:41 PM): no not the sweep off the feet move
blnd44illini (11:03:02 PM): she's wearing his dog tags
Jeflow1 (11:03:06 PM): so richard gere

Alright. The season of the Bachelor is officially over. Special thanks to DJ Victorious' uncle, my mom, and G spot for their help with this blogfest. "After the Final Rose" is on next week... but it probably won't be that exciting unless they bring back the drunk girl who fell off the chair in the first episode. She gave me such high hopes for the season.

Dancing with the Stars Finale tonight. Still waiting on a Justin Timberlake appearance to support Joey Fatone. Get excited.