Bad Idea Jeans

Ok, I'm pretty new to this whole blogger thing, but in my review of the CMT (yes, CMT... suck it you country-hating Jerseyites) awards, I became more aware of a recurring trend of angry scorned lover songs (and equally frightening/creepy videos in most cases). Hence... my first legit post: TOP 5 MODERN MUSICIANS IT IS A HORRIBLE IDEA TO CHEAT ON.

5.) Beyonce. Beyonce snags the bottom spot on this little countdown, because while she asserts her womanlyness, independence, and all that other girl poweryness crap (in a move totally unlike her), she in no way promises physical or property damages. In this case, if I were in the position of the dude who had to move all his stuff "To the left, to the left," I would probably want to kill myself. Nevertheless, I feel that violence is really the way to discourage cheaters, if for entertainment value alone. In this empowering (?) song, Beyonce merely points out that she can replace this guy in a minute. While in the case of Beyonce, such assertions probably mean that guys just fall all over her because of the prettiness, dance moves and loads of cash, for most average chicks, this signifies one of three things: (a) she has drastically lowered her standards and/or gotten drunk, (b) she is kind of a whore, or (c) she drastically lowered her standards when dating the first guy, and replace him with another subpar gent (who will probably also cheat on her, because if we learn nothing from shows like Jerry Springer, ugly people LOVE to screw around on each other). In sum, bad idea to cheat on a chick who will make you feel bad about yourself (as we ladies know how to do pretty well) but, remember, you won't feel so bad when you see her whoring herself out to the next guy who says something nice to her when she's blacked out.

4.) Miranda Lambert. Country because hicks make the best revenge songs (Dont' even try to argue otherwise... you are wrong). This song (Kerosene) is kind of old compared to the others, but it involves setting things on fire. Everyone likes a good fire. Roasting marshmallows is pretty fun. Roasting marshmallows while watching your cheating ex squeal in pain is even more fun, as Miranda teaches us. Also the young innocent appearance of our hero creates an interesting dichotomy between adorable chubby cheeked country singer and complete psycho. Don't judge a book by its cover. Also, she apparently has another song entitled "Crazy Ex Girlfriend." No shit.

3.) Nicole Kidman. Right, I know she doesn't have an album out at all, and her only singing experience is on Moulin Rouge, Happy Feet and that song with Robbie Williams (don't even ask me what that was... I feel horrible enough remembering that it even existed). Nevertheless, she is newly married to Keith Urban (another country singer... sue me), and his latest song is entitled "Stupid Boy." I am 98.5% sure that this song was written about Tom Cruise attempting to inflict his craziness upon Nicole during their marriage. It is possible that he cheated on her with Penelope Cruz during the filming of Vanilla Sky, leading to the break up of their marriage, thus allowing her indirect entry onto this countdown...(do NOT get me started on the Cruz-Cruise phenomenon of a few years ago, in my opinion infinitely more obnoxious than Bennifer). Anyway, its got to be a bad thing when your ex starts dating someone less crazy than you and then he writes an extremely successful/awesome song about it whilst the rest of the world begins to turn on you. Even harsher, Keith just got out of his second(?) stint in rehab and is a country singer (thus turning pretty much everyone in this region of the country against him), and he's still much more likeable than Tom could ever be. Although this song/video doesn't involve injuring personal property or killing/maiming people (admittedly important throughout this ranking), extra points for kicking Cruise when he's down. Damage to public persona for the person deemed to be the "Messiah" of the Scientology faith is always an AWESOME idea. So, don't cheat on/try to convert/divorce Nicole, because like Beyonce and other above-average women, they will replace you immediately. With someone who has an adorable accent. And that person will write a great song that can be attributed by casual observers who just want to see it (read... me or other people who just enjoy the song) to be about you. Stupid Boy.

2.) Justin Timberlake. Wow, Justin. We get it. Girls have screwed you over. While nothing could ever compare to the anti Britney anthem of his first album, this video alone is pretty intense. At first, "What Goes Around" seems only slightly more threatening than good old Beyonce explaining how she is Irreplaceable. What goes around comes around is something you say when your life is sucking, and there is no way you think the cheater's life is as bad. Then you sit back and wallow in the suckiness and hope that at some point, your life is better than your ex's. Pretty doormat-like, if you ask me. I mean get up and do something if you want to get even, and/or warn other possible cheaters against screwing you over or else it will all happen again. BUT, once you see the video... wow. I will never (as if I ever would have before) consider cheating on Justin Timberlake. For God's sake... **SPOILER ALERT** Scarlett (The Harlet) Johansson only kisses his best friend and he pretty much kills her. Wow. Killing someone for just a kiss is pretty extreme, and would normally warrant a #1 ranking in my book, but I feel that the surprise factor is gone after we knew he was capable of a great big FUCK YOU to the ex after "Cry Me a River". For history and homicidal tendencies alone, it would be in anyone's best interests to not cheat on Justin Timberlake. Extra points go here for kicking when down (see Nicole Kidman #3) if this song is also about Britney, cause she is WAY farther down that Tom Cruise right now. Literally. On that guy from rehab (yeah apparently its Howie Day... ew). Wow... that was inappropriate.

1.) Carrie Underwood. Yes, that's right. A country singer at #1. Sorry, but no one knows how to get back at cheaters like country singers. And Carrie really moved up on the badass scale with this song. And she had a lot of climbing to do after "Jesus take the Wheel" and the fact that she's from American Idol. I mean, clearly, a normal chick would get arrested for the shit she pulls in this song/video, but no one cares. I've never even been cheated on, and I find myself actually WANTING that to happen so I can tear the hell out of some redneck's truck. Also, her quip against chicks who drink girly drinks is always a good time. Nothing angers a girl who can pound beer and real hard liquor with the best of them than a girl who drinks vagina drinks (yes, this includes vodka-water-limes) on a regular basis who gets hit on by the guys you are friends with. To be fair, this song probably is guilty of ranking inflation simply because the previous 2 songs of hers were sappy and involved family and religion. Whatever, the surprise factor pushed her up over the JT killing spree. In short, if a country boy or other type who loves his car (or other easily vandalized possession) cheats on you, Carrie Underwood will teach you how to handle it. And the way to handle it is to fuck his shit up and teach him a lesson.

Honorable Mention: Frankie J (per the request of DJ Victorious) - I would have added this song, but I don't know enough about it to rant. Suggestions are welcome in the comments!