So it’s that time of year… my favorite… AWARDS SEASON! The legitimate awards kick off tonight with the Golden Globes… and true to my fans, I’m providing a short commentary as I watch… Apologies because this will be more sparse than normal, since due to flight delays, I arrived back from Winter break a day late, and am currently folding every single piece of clothing I own, which I had to wash because my neighbors got bed bugs (ew). I only slept an hour last night after getting back from the bars and then getting up to catch my replacement flight… so this will either be lazy and hilarious or lazy and lame… I’m not really sure how good my sense of humor can be as I’m putting everything I own in garbage bags… let’s see.
First off, NFL playoff games are ending for the weekend – I so far really enjoy the outcome of today’s games… the Giants get knocked out (lots of unhappy people at school tomorrow) and the Steelers are winning with about a minute to go… Since DJ Victorious is a Steelers fan and promised to take me to Pittsburgh if they make it to the bowl, I’m obvi rooting for them.
I’m watching with my friend Ginger McWeasley, so if he says anything awesome, I’ll let you know. Early predictions for the awards:
Ginger thinks Heath Ledger, as do I, but Tom Cruise or Robert Downey winning for Tropic Thunder would be hilarious
Best picture = no idea. I’ve seen none of these. Neither has Ginger.
TV Shows = I think 30 Rock, Ginger thinks the Office
Ginger thinks True Blood for best dramatic series because “there’s enough tits in that movie to make people vote for it. And they were GOOOOOD tits.”
I think Mad Men
I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to see Neil Patrick Harris (hereinafter NPH) win for best supporting actor in a TV Show.
Meryl Streep is a shoe in for something at least, because it’s Meryl Streep.
Ginger McWeasley thinks someone is going to fall down the stairs. I’m just looking forward to the drunks.
I totally just realized I have no idea who’s hosting… but Ginger tried to tell me it was Ted Danson, which would be AMAZING! Also if they ignore Roy Scheider in the dead people montage, you know the drill, I’m going on a rant.
Jennifer Lopez is out first. If she is the host I need to start drinking… IMMEDIATELY. Maybe there is no host. A girl can dream. She looks terrible… some sort of golden dress… she just shushed people… and I want to punch the TV for the first of many times this evening. Kate Winslet wins best supporting actress for The Reader… which I really want to see if it ever comes to a non-Indy theater. God I hate acceptance speeches. This is still going on. I could have knitted a sweater in the time it took her to thank unimportant people.
Sting presents best original song… since when is he brunette? I’m creeped out. Ginger predicts Springsteen… but likes Peter Gabriel. Well done Ginger. Springsteen calls out Clint Eastwood. Even though you’re from Jersey, dude, Eastwood could kill you with only a look… so watch out.
NP’s award is up. I love him SO MUCH. He does not look confident. I think Piven will get it. Again. Or Tom Wilkinson for John Adams. That shit wins EVERYTHING. Come on NPH! God damn it. Tom Wilkinson. But NPH will always be first in my heart.
Movie related question: Why is Don Cheadle in Hotel for Dogs? Isn’t he like a well renowned actor? Does he have no self respect?
Zac Efron makes an appearance. Big ups to Rum&Efron… good to see you yesterday. I like John Hamm or Hugh Laurie for best actor in a drama. I really just want to hear Hugh Laurie talk in his sexy accent. Gabriel Byrne wins, no huge surprise. Kevin Bacon looks awfully shiny. Ginger thinks his hair looks ridiculous. Ginger watches and loves True Blood, but he made a “something smells” face when Ana Paquin won for best actress. She should think about investing in braces. Just saying.
Ricky Gervais is being Ricky Gervais. He’s pretty awesome.
Jonas Brothers announce the award Miley Cyrus is nominated for = awkward. This award is OBVI going to Wall-E.
Ginger and I are rooting for best actress to go to Emma Thompson. Another English lady wins. Her teeth are RIDIC.
Ummmmmmmm who was in charge of Drew Barrymore’s hair and makeup? Cause that is unnecessary in so many ways.
Supporting Actor Award… this is obvi the big one of the night. Tom Cruise can’t stop laughing at himself. I would too, Les Grossman, I would too. Heath Ledger wins. No surprise.
Colin Farrel makes a cocaine joke and my love for him grows even more. Does it make me a bad person that I’m a little bit sad he’s sober now?
Sad turtle Maggie Gyllenhaal makes an appearance. She looks sad and turtle-like. And is also reading WAY too slowly.
Love that Alec Baldwin won for 30 Rock. I secretly want Jack Donaghey to be my boss.
WTF happened to Renee Zelwegger? I mean she was never that great looking, but she looks like she aged 20 years overnight. And fired her stylist and hired Sharon Stone instead.
Tracy Morgan accepts for 30 Rock. He is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO high right now. Love him.
I’m really fading here… something awesome needs to happen. Where is the dead people montage?
Kate Winslet has won for both supporting actress and best actress. She seems genuinely surprised… I think I find her quite endearing.
Mad Men = no surprise.
Mickey Rourke takes home best actor. I’m pretty excited to hear his speech. I hope it’s a big bucket full of crazy. Ginger has left the building, but he missed Mickey tripping up the stage, just as he predicted. He is surprisingly coherent. I’m disappointed.
Slumdog Millionaire wins… I really have no interest in seeing this movie. I’m passing out. It’s been real. I'll be dreaming of dead people montages, because I missed out this year.
See you at the Oscars, if not before.
Showing posts with label Tom Cruise. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tom Cruise. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Bad Idea Jeans
Ok, I'm pretty new to this whole blogger thing, but in my review of the CMT (yes, CMT... suck it you country-hating Jerseyites) awards, I became more aware of a recurring trend of angry scorned lover songs (and equally frightening/creepy videos in most cases). Hence... my first legit post: TOP 5 MODERN MUSICIANS IT IS A HORRIBLE IDEA TO CHEAT ON.
5.) Beyonce. Beyonce snags the bottom spot on this little countdown, because while she asserts her womanlyness, independence, and all that other girl poweryness crap (in a move totally unlike her), she in no way promises physical or property damages. In this case, if I were in the position of the dude who had to move all his stuff "To the left, to the left," I would probably want to kill myself. Nevertheless, I feel that violence is really the way to discourage cheaters, if for entertainment value alone. In this empowering (?) song, Beyonce merely points out that she can replace this guy in a minute. While in the case of Beyonce, such assertions probably mean that guys just fall all over her because of the prettiness, dance moves and loads of cash, for most average chicks, this signifies one of three things: (a) she has drastically lowered her standards and/or gotten drunk, (b) she is kind of a whore, or (c) she drastically lowered her standards when dating the first guy, and replace him with another subpar gent (who will probably also cheat on her, because if we learn nothing from shows like Jerry Springer, ugly people LOVE to screw around on each other). In sum, bad idea to cheat on a chick who will make you feel bad about yourself (as we ladies know how to do pretty well) but, remember, you won't feel so bad when you see her whoring herself out to the next guy who says something nice to her when she's blacked out.
4.) Miranda Lambert. Country because hicks make the best revenge songs (Dont' even try to argue otherwise... you are wrong). This song (Kerosene) is kind of old compared to the others, but it involves setting things on fire. Everyone likes a good fire. Roasting marshmallows is pretty fun. Roasting marshmallows while watching your cheating ex squeal in pain is even more fun, as Miranda teaches us. Also the young innocent appearance of our hero creates an interesting dichotomy between adorable chubby cheeked country singer and complete psycho. Don't judge a book by its cover. Also, she apparently has another song entitled "Crazy Ex Girlfriend." No shit.
3.) Nicole Kidman. Right, I know she doesn't have an album out at all, and her only singing experience is on Moulin Rouge, Happy Feet and that song with Robbie Williams (don't even ask me what that was... I feel horrible enough remembering that it even existed). Nevertheless, she is newly married to Keith Urban (another country singer... sue me), and his latest song is entitled "Stupid Boy." I am 98.5% sure that this song was written about Tom Cruise attempting to inflict his craziness upon Nicole during their marriage. It is possible that he cheated on her with Penelope Cruz during the filming of Vanilla Sky, leading to the break up of their marriage, thus allowing her indirect entry onto this countdown...(do NOT get me started on the Cruz-Cruise phenomenon of a few years ago, in my opinion infinitely more obnoxious than Bennifer). Anyway, its got to be a bad thing when your ex starts dating someone less crazy than you and then he writes an extremely successful/awesome song about it whilst the rest of the world begins to turn on you. Even harsher, Keith just got out of his second(?) stint in rehab and is a country singer (thus turning pretty much everyone in this region of the country against him), and he's still much more likeable than Tom could ever be. Although this song/video doesn't involve injuring personal property or killing/maiming people (admittedly important throughout this ranking), extra points for kicking Cruise when he's down. Damage to public persona for the person deemed to be the "Messiah" of the Scientology faith is always an AWESOME idea. So, don't cheat on/try to convert/divorce Nicole, because like Beyonce and other above-average women, they will replace you immediately. With someone who has an adorable accent. And that person will write a great song that can be attributed by casual observers who just want to see it (read... me or other people who just enjoy the song) to be about you. Stupid Boy.
2.) Justin Timberlake. Wow, Justin. We get it. Girls have screwed you over. While nothing could ever compare to the anti Britney anthem of his first album, this video alone is pretty intense. At first, "What Goes Around" seems only slightly more threatening than good old Beyonce explaining how she is Irreplaceable. What goes around comes around is something you say when your life is sucking, and there is no way you think the cheater's life is as bad. Then you sit back and wallow in the suckiness and hope that at some point, your life is better than your ex's. Pretty doormat-like, if you ask me. I mean get up and do something if you want to get even, and/or warn other possible cheaters against screwing you over or else it will all happen again. BUT, once you see the video... wow. I will never (as if I ever would have before) consider cheating on Justin Timberlake. For God's sake... **SPOILER ALERT** Scarlett (The Harlet) Johansson only kisses his best friend and he pretty much kills her. Wow. Killing someone for just a kiss is pretty extreme, and would normally warrant a #1 ranking in my book, but I feel that the surprise factor is gone after we knew he was capable of a great big FUCK YOU to the ex after "Cry Me a River". For history and homicidal tendencies alone, it would be in anyone's best interests to not cheat on Justin Timberlake. Extra points go here for kicking when down (see Nicole Kidman #3) if this song is also about Britney, cause she is WAY farther down that Tom Cruise right now. Literally. On that guy from rehab (yeah apparently its Howie Day... ew). Wow... that was inappropriate.
1.) Carrie Underwood. Yes, that's right. A country singer at #1. Sorry, but no one knows how to get back at cheaters like country singers. And Carrie really moved up on the badass scale with this song. And she had a lot of climbing to do after "Jesus take the Wheel" and the fact that she's from American Idol. I mean, clearly, a normal chick would get arrested for the shit she pulls in this song/video, but no one cares. I've never even been cheated on, and I find myself actually WANTING that to happen so I can tear the hell out of some redneck's truck. Also, her quip against chicks who drink girly drinks is always a good time. Nothing angers a girl who can pound beer and real hard liquor with the best of them than a girl who drinks vagina drinks (yes, this includes vodka-water-limes) on a regular basis who gets hit on by the guys you are friends with. To be fair, this song probably is guilty of ranking inflation simply because the previous 2 songs of hers were sappy and involved family and religion. Whatever, the surprise factor pushed her up over the JT killing spree. In short, if a country boy or other type who loves his car (or other easily vandalized possession) cheats on you, Carrie Underwood will teach you how to handle it. And the way to handle it is to fuck his shit up and teach him a lesson.
Honorable Mention: Frankie J (per the request of DJ Victorious) - I would have added this song, but I don't know enough about it to rant. Suggestions are welcome in the comments!
5.) Beyonce. Beyonce snags the bottom spot on this little countdown, because while she asserts her womanlyness, independence, and all that other girl poweryness crap (in a move totally unlike her), she in no way promises physical or property damages. In this case, if I were in the position of the dude who had to move all his stuff "To the left, to the left," I would probably want to kill myself. Nevertheless, I feel that violence is really the way to discourage cheaters, if for entertainment value alone. In this empowering (?) song, Beyonce merely points out that she can replace this guy in a minute. While in the case of Beyonce, such assertions probably mean that guys just fall all over her because of the prettiness, dance moves and loads of cash, for most average chicks, this signifies one of three things: (a) she has drastically lowered her standards and/or gotten drunk, (b) she is kind of a whore, or (c) she drastically lowered her standards when dating the first guy, and replace him with another subpar gent (who will probably also cheat on her, because if we learn nothing from shows like Jerry Springer, ugly people LOVE to screw around on each other). In sum, bad idea to cheat on a chick who will make you feel bad about yourself (as we ladies know how to do pretty well) but, remember, you won't feel so bad when you see her whoring herself out to the next guy who says something nice to her when she's blacked out.
4.) Miranda Lambert. Country because hicks make the best revenge songs (Dont' even try to argue otherwise... you are wrong). This song (Kerosene) is kind of old compared to the others, but it involves setting things on fire. Everyone likes a good fire. Roasting marshmallows is pretty fun. Roasting marshmallows while watching your cheating ex squeal in pain is even more fun, as Miranda teaches us. Also the young innocent appearance of our hero creates an interesting dichotomy between adorable chubby cheeked country singer and complete psycho. Don't judge a book by its cover. Also, she apparently has another song entitled "Crazy Ex Girlfriend." No shit.
3.) Nicole Kidman. Right, I know she doesn't have an album out at all, and her only singing experience is on Moulin Rouge, Happy Feet and that song with Robbie Williams (don't even ask me what that was... I feel horrible enough remembering that it even existed). Nevertheless, she is newly married to Keith Urban (another country singer... sue me), and his latest song is entitled "Stupid Boy." I am 98.5% sure that this song was written about Tom Cruise attempting to inflict his craziness upon Nicole during their marriage. It is possible that he cheated on her with Penelope Cruz during the filming of Vanilla Sky, leading to the break up of their marriage, thus allowing her indirect entry onto this countdown...(do NOT get me started on the Cruz-Cruise phenomenon of a few years ago, in my opinion infinitely more obnoxious than Bennifer). Anyway, its got to be a bad thing when your ex starts dating someone less crazy than you and then he writes an extremely successful/awesome song about it whilst the rest of the world begins to turn on you. Even harsher, Keith just got out of his second(?) stint in rehab and is a country singer (thus turning pretty much everyone in this region of the country against him), and he's still much more likeable than Tom could ever be. Although this song/video doesn't involve injuring personal property or killing/maiming people (admittedly important throughout this ranking), extra points for kicking Cruise when he's down. Damage to public persona for the person deemed to be the "Messiah" of the Scientology faith is always an AWESOME idea. So, don't cheat on/try to convert/divorce Nicole, because like Beyonce and other above-average women, they will replace you immediately. With someone who has an adorable accent. And that person will write a great song that can be attributed by casual observers who just want to see it (read... me or other people who just enjoy the song) to be about you. Stupid Boy.
2.) Justin Timberlake. Wow, Justin. We get it. Girls have screwed you over. While nothing could ever compare to the anti Britney anthem of his first album, this video alone is pretty intense. At first, "What Goes Around" seems only slightly more threatening than good old Beyonce explaining how she is Irreplaceable. What goes around comes around is something you say when your life is sucking, and there is no way you think the cheater's life is as bad. Then you sit back and wallow in the suckiness and hope that at some point, your life is better than your ex's. Pretty doormat-like, if you ask me. I mean get up and do something if you want to get even, and/or warn other possible cheaters against screwing you over or else it will all happen again. BUT, once you see the video... wow. I will never (as if I ever would have before) consider cheating on Justin Timberlake. For God's sake... **SPOILER ALERT** Scarlett (The Harlet) Johansson only kisses his best friend and he pretty much kills her. Wow. Killing someone for just a kiss is pretty extreme, and would normally warrant a #1 ranking in my book, but I feel that the surprise factor is gone after we knew he was capable of a great big FUCK YOU to the ex after "Cry Me a River". For history and homicidal tendencies alone, it would be in anyone's best interests to not cheat on Justin Timberlake. Extra points go here for kicking when down (see Nicole Kidman #3) if this song is also about Britney, cause she is WAY farther down that Tom Cruise right now. Literally. On that guy from rehab (yeah apparently its Howie Day... ew). Wow... that was inappropriate.
1.) Carrie Underwood. Yes, that's right. A country singer at #1. Sorry, but no one knows how to get back at cheaters like country singers. And Carrie really moved up on the badass scale with this song. And she had a lot of climbing to do after "Jesus take the Wheel" and the fact that she's from American Idol. I mean, clearly, a normal chick would get arrested for the shit she pulls in this song/video, but no one cares. I've never even been cheated on, and I find myself actually WANTING that to happen so I can tear the hell out of some redneck's truck. Also, her quip against chicks who drink girly drinks is always a good time. Nothing angers a girl who can pound beer and real hard liquor with the best of them than a girl who drinks vagina drinks (yes, this includes vodka-water-limes) on a regular basis who gets hit on by the guys you are friends with. To be fair, this song probably is guilty of ranking inflation simply because the previous 2 songs of hers were sappy and involved family and religion. Whatever, the surprise factor pushed her up over the JT killing spree. In short, if a country boy or other type who loves his car (or other easily vandalized possession) cheats on you, Carrie Underwood will teach you how to handle it. And the way to handle it is to fuck his shit up and teach him a lesson.
Honorable Mention: Frankie J (per the request of DJ Victorious) - I would have added this song, but I don't know enough about it to rant. Suggestions are welcome in the comments!
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