2010 Oscars Live Blog

Hey all... Here's the standard Oscar blog. I'm kicking it off by saying that Zach Efron is looking GOOD tonight. Kathy Ireland is easily the most awkward interviewer I've ever seen. Ever.

The 10 movies nominated for Best Picture debate has begun. I think it's good for the Oscar ratings, but some movies nominated get ridiculous. However, I really hate watching the Oscars when I haven't seen any of the movies nominated for big awards. Nonetheless, even with more movies nominated, I still have only seen 2 movies nominated, and only liked one of them. Kate Winslet's hair looks great, but I've seen her in better dresses. I absolutely adore her in everything.

Why are these Twilight assholes all over the place? This blatant pandering for ratings is offensive to me.
Show is starting. Preliminarily, let me say that I am ridiculously excited about Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are hosting. I have a crush on Steve Martin, and I don’t even feel bad about it. He’s #2 on my old man crush list, second only to Harrison Ford.
NPH SURPRISE APPEARANCE! I simply cannot express how much I love him. Love his sparkly jacket. Love him singing. Love it all. Steve Martin’s glasses make him not as awesome, but I’d still do him. Meryl Streep burn. Awesome. This is digressing into awkwardness quickly, however. The blatantly awkward “oh look” is a kind of hilarious. Bringing up the Avatar-Hurt Locker ex-wife thing. Why are they sitting next to each other? They HATE each other.
Inglorious Basterds guy wins the supporting actor award. I’m sure he was wonderful, but I’m hesitant to be in favor of anything that makes Quentin Tarantino feel good about himself. Up wins best animated picture. Not shocking, and I in no way care. At least it led me to a Mr. Grant sighting. I love Mr. Grant.
Colin Farrel was in Crazy Heart? SINGING? INSTANTLY ADDING TO LIST OF MOVIES I WANT TO SEE. Writer just busted out “I love you more than rainbows.” Die. The intro to best screenplay with Tina Fey and Robert Downey Jr. is by far the most entertaining of the night. RDJ’s outfit is amazing.
John Hughes tribute. I’m foreseeing I’ll cry. I heart Matthew Broderick. Macaulay Culkin. Wow. He has grown to be a creepy adult. Shocking.
Break for the boring awards.
Sarah Jessica Parker’s hair looks ridiculous. It was pretty cute initially, but apparently got frizz sesh. Charlize Theron’s boob focus dress was a poor styling decision by all accounts.

Twilight kids. Ugh. Then salute to horror montage. LOVE. IT. Zac Efron is getting hella screen time. I must say that I am really excited to see “Me and Orson Welles” and for his legitimate acting career to take off. The sound editor from “The Hurt Locker” is horrifying.

John Travolta. In jeans. What an uber douche.

Demi Moore is here. I feel dead people montage. Ghost theme song. Swayze. James Taylor singing In My Life. Instantly choked up. Natasha Richardson is the one who officially gets me. Ugh. Interpretive dance montage. I’m sure this is all very impressive, but I’m calling it an awkward fail. God. This is way too long. This is an abortion. I'd rather watch the sci tech awards again than this dance montage. That's the problem w/ modern dance. It's all very pretty, but it never fits the music or the theme and just ends up making everyone uncomfortable.

JASON. BATEMAN!

Tyler Perry, please stop talking. Hurt Locker is taking a lot of the smaller awards from Avatar. Might bode well for best picture. As long as it’s not Avatar.

Who invited Keanu Reeves? Oh the “Point Break” bond with Bigelow. Pro. I literally cannot accurately capture my hatred of Quentin Tarantino in words. It’s unfortunate that he’s so talented when he’s so irritating.

The fellating of the best actor nominees has begun. I am tired. This needs to move on, even though I’m quite enjoying the close ups of the guys, and Colin Farrel. Jeff Bridges gets the W. Absolutely not surprised. I hope he accepts entirely as The Dude. I kind of want to see his movie now, but I probably won’t. I probably should have added Jeff Bridges to the list of famous people I want to hang out with.

Best actress montage. I actually am excited to see who this award goes to. Our hostess says “I hope the Precious chick wins, because she’ll never get the chance to win again.” Our hostess’ brother taking the late comer hilarity award of the night with the following gems... “Because she’ll be dead in an hour and a half? It’s tough to act when you’ve lost both your feet to diabetes. She’s so fat her eyes don’t open. She wins for attacking that trainer at Sea World last week.” Sandra Bullock is kind of a surprise, won’t lie. I might have to see The Blind Side. She wins the gracious speech award. Jesse James loses hella street cred for crying.

Finally best picture award. Just kidding. Best direction. DIAF, Oscars. It’s almost midnight, and I’m a tuckered out little lamb. Why is Barbara Streisand presenting this? Fail. Kathryn Bigelow wins… there’s an awkward “will he congratulate his ex wife?” moment with Cameron. If he does, it’s not caught on camera. Way to go Point Break director! OK. Enough. They need to get more dedicated to the “wrap it up” rule. This is getting ridiculous.

Tom Hanks is here, so I’m hoping THIS is actually best picture. Hurt Locker wins again. Congrats. Suck it James Cameron. I’m going home.

Good night, ya’ll!

2010 Grammy Awards

Here we go... half assed as per usual lately. Working full time really takes it out of you.

Gaga-Elton John. “How wonderful life is with Gaga in the world.” Vom.

Stephen Colbert – hope he’s the host. He is so fantastic.

T Swift wins country album of the year – not surprised. She’s badass cause she writes her own songs. She and her mom are sitting next to Ringo Starr. Lucky kid…

Beyonce singing “You Oughta Know” is kinda amazing. She’s tossing her hair too much, but otherwise a great performance.

Pink performance. Not a fan. Turned back to Planet Earth Extremes. THOSE COCKROACHES ATE THAT BAT DOWN TO THE BONE. Awesome.

Zac Brown Band wins best new artist. Good for them, good for country music… they really do the genre the right way, staying away from too much pop.

MILEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She looks great. Sad that she’s announcing the Black Eyed Peas, as they are INCREDIBLY irritating. JBone: “This performance is heinous.” Agreed. Back to Planet Earth.

Jonas Brothers introduce Lady Antebellum singing “Need You Now.” Wildly pro everything involved. Even when the girl gets hit in the face with the sheet. Love it all. Can’t get enough of that song.

Glad Stephen Colbert won for comedy album, mainly because it’s the only one I’ve heard.

Robert Downey Jr. is wearing a ridiculous suit jacket with straps, and I love it. He intros Jamie Foxx attempting to sing opera. Ridiculous. Wildly anti auto tune. Oh heyyyyyy- Otter pups learning to fish! Nice to see you. Look out for that crocodile.

T Swift with Stevie Nicks was cool. T’s outfit was ridiculous. Now MJ tribute, but seems like they’re just gonna do slow jam. If I am dealing with Usher in an MJ tribute, I want him dancing, not singing We Are the World. Just saying. This 3-D is lame, as I have no goggles, and so it’s all fuzzy… makes J Bone and I feel like we’re a few more beers in than we are in. Carrie Underwood, per usual, looks fantastic. Also on Planet Earth Extremes, a polar bear tried to kill walruses, but instead he died. I’m basically heartbroken.

Bon Jovi performance. Still not sure why they are on, but I’m on board, I suppose. Glad they brought out Jennifer Nettles for “Who Says You Can’t Go Home,” but now she’s awkwardly standing behind them during “Livin’ on a Prayer.” Oh she sings… she must be in heaven. I would be. Bon Jovi has only gotten better looking with age.

I’M ON A BOAT WAS ROBBED!

Just realized this goes till 11:30. I am not happy. Instead, I’ll watch the cockroaches eat the bat again.

Maxwell. Never heard this song. Pretty indifferent, and fading fast.

Of course because I’m watching something else I miss the beginning of the dead people montage. Hope there wasn’t anyone awesome at the beginning. The Les Paul tribute is pretty awesome.

Lady Gaga’s outfit #3 of the night is awful, pretty standard, actually. Quentin Tarantino’s outfit is even worse with the polka dot shirt. He’s also speaking with a fake thug ish accent. Pretty exciting how much I hate him, really.

Lil Wayne and some other rappers. Whatever... The sound goes out and I actually don’t care. Unaware that Eminem was still making music. He’s pretty talented but I’m equally indifferent. Lil’ Wayne really is little.

T Swift brings home album of the year. Good for her. Hers is the only album I listened to all the way trhough, but when the neighbors bought Lady Gaga I wanted to kill myself, so there you go. She’s so adorable it’s almost too much. Excited it went to a country artist.

Going to bed. Peace out.

Golden Globes 2010

I was up till 5am last night, so this will be admittedly half assed. I can’t skip, however, because Ricky Gervais is hosting, and he is the man. Finally these awards shows are getting smart and hiring people who are actually entertaining to host these things, and after NPH on the Tonys and Emmys, I have high hopes for Ricky.

It’s pouring rain for the arrivals, and I’m getting legitimately embarrassed for the NBC arrivals show team (awful, btw), because they keep awkwardly insulting people about being wet “your hair looks a little different this year… a little matted…”. Who are you to judge, D list entertainer? (I'm looking at you Vanessa Minnillo... it looks like you are going to a 2002 prom)

I hate Quentin Tarantino. Ugh. Do less coke dude. Just SHUT UP already. You look like a rapist in that duster, and It's Always Sunny in Philadelpha taught me that dusters are hilarious. Don't ruin it for me.

Quick comments about the football game that just ended. Jets. Wow. Nice game. I hope they get DESTROYED by the Colts, but a big day for New York, and Rex Ryan's general hilarity. For NFC Championships this weekend, hoping more for a good game than a particular team to win. As a Bears fan I'm supposed to hate the Vikings, but I can't bring myself to. I like the Saints this season, but I'd like to see Favre end his career with a Super Bowl. Also I've been saying all season that it will probably be a Saints-Colts Super Bowl, so maybe I'll seem smart if that's how it goes. Either way, want an NFC victory in the biggest game.

Let the digs at NBC begin. Just to register my opinion, I have always been a fan of Jay Leno in the Late Night Wars (meaning ONLY that I prefer him to Letterman, but I honestly almost never watch late night talk shows anyway, so my opinion is borderline irrelevant). Conan was on too late for me, and I find some of the stuff of his I see the next day on youtube to be entertaining, but I honestly don’t know him much at all. However, the way he has been treated by the network is sad. He has handled this well, and I wish him the best. I will still always prefer Stephen Colbert and Craig Ferguson for my late night hosts.

Monique wins for Precious. Whatever. I have no interest in this movie. Looks WAY too depressing for my taste. Toni Collette beats out two of my favorites (Tina Fey and Rachel from Glee) for best comedy actress on TV, but for all reviews I’ve heard, this is well deserved. NPH’s award is up. He looks nervous. I will be disappointed if he doesn’t take this home, per usual. John Lithgow. LAME. Apparently he’s awesome on Dexter, but he’s not NPH, so right now, he can die in a fire. How I Met Your Mother needs to stay on the air until NPH finally gets the Emmy he so richly deserves. Michael C. Hall beats out Hugh Laurie, and I don’t watch Dexter, so I’m not happy. But, good for him. Everything I hear about that show is amazing. I legitimately don’t care about any of the woman nominated for best actress in drama. Watch zero of the shows.

Starting the boring miniseries, foreign language and music awards. Catch ya in an hour or so.

Jennifer Aniston’s dress slit is out of control, but she looks great. She and Courteney Cox have both aged fantastically. Go Friends!

Mad Men wins best drama. No surprises here. If it had gone to True Blood, I might have boycotted forever. Not saying it’s not a decent show, but I’m WILDLY anti the vampire trend.

Aaaand in the commercial breaks I have discovered a sequel to the Planet Earth series… Planet Earth Extremes. As a direct result, I am skipping Martin Scorsese’s lifetime achievement award. Hope I don’t also miss the dead people montage… though there wasn’t one last year. Do the Golden Globes even do dead people montages?

GERVAIS JUST OWNED MEL GIBSON. That was awesome. “I like a drink as much as the next man, unless the next man is Mel Gibson.” Just phenomenal. I can't believe Mel didn't go ballistic, but, then, he seems like such a sane and calm human being.

GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE WINS best comedy TV series – SOOOOOOOOO HAPPY! Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving show! Mama Smurftastic finally started watching it, and she's a fan too... I hope this show keeps up its standards and has a long run, it's literally the happiest part of my week.

Mike Tyson with the cast of The Hangover. Wishing Zack Galifianakis was there, though, as he makes everything amazing. Hangover wins best comedy motion picture and I am wildly pro. Love that they are walking up to the stage to the “What do tigers dream of?” song as sung by Ed Helms. Love that R rated comedies are doing well. Love Todd Phillips ("I'm here for the gang bang.")… you make my life better. Please keep making movies... forever.

Sandra Bullock wins best actress in a drama for the Blind Side. I may actually have to see this movie. I do love sports movies and Sandra Bullock, but I thought this looked cheesy and figured it's a rental at best. I’ve been sold. Men’s comedy acting goes to Robert Downey Jr. He was great in Sherlock Holmes, and his acceptance speech was by far my favorite of the night. Not my favorite movie, but I enjoyed it. He is hilarious.

The Dude wins best drama actor for Crazy Horse. I know absolutely nothing about this movie. But I’m pro The Dude (just watched the Big Lebowski for the first time last week, and loved it). Meryl Streep's comedy win surprises no one. Really want to see Julie and Julia, because in my head I'm already a 49 year old cat lady.

Ready for bed. Let’s get this last award going. Julia Roberts seems awesome, just a fun chick to hang out with. Avatar wins, and I have to say I’m starting to revert back from wanting to see the movie (after holding out forever), to being a part of the backlash. Enough already. James Cameron’s hair is ridiculous, and when he spoke in his made-up language, I basically judged him for life.

Verdict – Ricky Gervais is still awesome, and would be if the rest of the show sucked (it didn't) for the Mel Gibson burn alone. Best dressed = Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Aniston, Dianna Agron , Worst dressed = Chloe Sevigny, Christina Aguilera.

Let me know what you think in the comments. Until next time...

2009 Emmy's Live Thoughts

Present for this live blog = J-bone, Smurftastic and Gingerette.
Occasionally submitting comments via electronic media = Smurftastic’s sister and KSquizz.

Would like to kick this off by saying I’m creepily excited because of NPH hosting. I swear he could do nothing but make Taylor Swift cry and it will still be infinitely better than the “reality host” debacle of last year. He is wearing a white tuxedo jacket with black pants, and this will not be the first time tonight that I lament the fact that the man is gay. Do you think he’d be down to hang out if I got a sex change? I’D DO IT FOR NPH!

My over under bet for Kanye West jokes is 5. KSquizz thinks three, sister thinks 8. AND THAT’S ONE. Tracey Morgan did not think it was funny. They are dividing the show based on genre. I’m pretty exciteddddddddddd… so I don’t get stuck with a whole 2 hours in the middle of shitty cinematography jokes.

Kicking things off with comedy. I’m predicting 30 Rock to win big, but I NEED to see NPH take home a trophy. Of course in the montage they have Jon Hamm cause he’s too good for just drama. I could spread him on a cracker. The glasses theme for the best supporting actress nominees is pretty ridiculous. Big ups to Vanessa Williams for bucking the trend. Kristen Chenoweth wins. Whatever. She’s cute. Her show was cancelled. The tears are excessive. I’m uncomfortable. Moving on.

This breakthrough performance award thing (online vote) seems interesting. I like both Chuck & Blair and the Kris Allen. Eff True Blood. I’m so over this vampire trend. HIMYM presenters. The ladies’ post baby bods look good. Outstanding writing. Boring. 30 Rock. One of my favorite parts of NPH hosting is that he mocks his own terrible jokes. NPH’s award is up. I want NPH to win, but I’d be quite happy with either of the 30 Rock or Rainn Wilson. Jon Cryer wins. I hate America for liking Two and a Half Men so much. Rethink your lives. I mean I love Ducky, don’t get me wrong. But I’m displeased.

Just flipped to NFL Sunday Night Football in the commercial and saw my first ad for the Vancouver Winter Olympics. My heart is warmed.

Justin Timberlake makes an appearance. My uterus skipped a beat. He’s basically describing me as the girl who all guys dream about. Why thank you, Justin. I feel the same about you. Also, congrats on letting the curls grow back. HUGSIES. Best comedic actress. Clearly Tina Fey will win. UPSET - Toni Collette takes it home for United States of Tara. It’s supposed to be great, but I don’t get premiere cable. So whatever.

Steve Carell looks foxy tonight. Just saying.

ROB LOWE. Yummy. He gets more dreamy with time. Best actor in a comedy. I’m hoping Steve Carell takes it home. But I do love Alec Baldwin. And Jermaine Clement. No surprise Baldwin wins. Jack Donaghey is my ideal boss.

Shifting to reality genre. If they don’t show a clip from Real Housewives of NJ, I’ll be WAY upset. CAROLINE! Theresa! I LOVE THAT SHOW. Maksim and Karina from DWTS perform. I freaking love Maksim. In agreement with KSquizz = AWKWARD. They used to be engaged. And as of mere days ago, they are no longer. Nothing to write home about, honestly. Jeff Probst wins for best host. Apparently they still air Survivor. Way to congratulate NPH, because you did a HORRIBLE job last year.

Tracey Morgan arrives. He is apparently sober now. I’m not thrilled. Amazing Race wins best competition series. Whatever. It’s no Project Runway, American Idol, or DWTS.

Miniseries. I have seen 0. Whatevz. Signing off sesh till something interesting happening.

KSquizz question of the commercial break: “True or False: You would act as a surrogate for NPH and his partner?” Gingerette and I are a RESOUNDING yes. Sister is a “no.” Not the first time I have judged her during this telecast, and it won’t be the last.

I really love that in his intros, this guy is only picking rogue roles that no one remembers instead of what they are known for. BIG FAN. Patricia Arquette looks like complete garbage. That dress is an embarrassment.

Jessica Lange has aged well. This needs to speed up. I’m getting grumpy.

OK moving into Variety. So shit I actually watch and isn’t lame. Sorry miniseries and TV movies, but you suck at life.

BRIAN WILLIAMS SIGHTING. I LOVE HIM SOO MUCH.

Really happy MotherLover got nommed. Here’s Ricky Gervais, just generally being awesome. As per usual. Jon Stewart gives NPH mad props. I love them both so much, but the edge in awesome goes to NPH, obvs. KSquizz: “Wow. Ricky Gervais wins at presenting.” Indeed, KSquizz, indeed.

Finally up to the drama category. Meaning we’re through the dragging middle part, and I’m that much closer to being able to go to bed.

DEAD PEOPLE MONTAGE! Sung along with by Sarah Mclachlan’s “I will remember you.” I get it, but will this song never die? It’s not a high school graduation. It’s a dead people montage. The song almost ruined it for me. Didn’t tear up till Paul Newman, Michael Jackson, and Swayze. Sigh. Rough year for celebrity deaths. KSquizz comments: “I wish Jimmy Fallon was in the death montage.” My response: “I wish that song was in the montage and never heard again.” KSquizz: “I think I am going to use ‘I wish they were in the death montage at the next award show’ as another way to express my hatred of things.” Good idea.

Glenn Close wins. Makes me want to watch Damages. Kind of. But after Glee, Community, Gossip Girl and Melrose Place… I’m pretty sure I don’t have room to take on any new TV shows this season.

Final awards of the night. I’m predicting 30 Rock and Mad Men. Bob Newhart is one adorable old man. I like all of the comedic nominees, but have never seen Weeds. 30 Rock wins, no surprise, and well deserved. True Blood wins the breakthrough award. DIE IN A FIRE VAMPIRES. Ugh so overexposed. Mad Men wins. Good show. KSquizz wins the Kanye joke bet with the final count at 3. Congrats. I’m signing off. NIGH NIGH.

Guest Entry #2, Kanye Response

Below is a response from another new contributor, KSquizz. Get ready to see her featured more, in some more lighthearted fare. (I promise we won't rant forever). Enjoy.

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While my fellow pop culture pundits have taken to the interwebs to express their shock and anger at the ridiculous display of douchebaggery that was Kanye West at these most recent VMAs, I am here to attack the issue from another angle.

I was incredibly angry last night watching a man in his 30s rip the microphone out of the hands of a teenaged girl who was probably experiencing one of the happiest and most exciting moments of her life. He completely ruined her moment because he was drunk (or my guess pretending to be drunk), and he thought Beyonce should have won.
Looking at it a day later, my view is that Kanye West may be the most pathetic human being on the Earth.

This is nothing new for West. He is pretty much a guarantee to rush the stage at any award show he attends if the producers make the mistake of awarding musical acts they believe are the best rather than stroking Kanye’s gigantic ego or having the audacity not to agree with his very limited musical tastes. West seems to ignore the fact that Taylor Swift’s latest effort is the biggest selling album of the year. Beyonce’s album sold 1.3 million copies less than Taylor’s. Swift also outsold West by 2.1 million copies. Kanye may think he is a “glitch in the matrix” showing the world that awards are going to the unworthy, but he is just not in touch in reality. He simply cannot believe that the public could disagree with his musical tastes and preferences.

Many blogs and commenters have attacked West’s outbursts as being motivated by racism and sexism. West has made some pretty ridiculous comments in the past that would lead any literate human being to believe that he is in fact both a racist and a sexist POS, but I honestly don’t think his outburst was motivated by any sort of hate belief system.

Kanye West is a narcissist and delusional. He stormed that stage like he storms every other because he legitimately thinks that 1) his opinion matters above all others, and 2) that the public ACTUALLY wants to see and hear from him. It’s actually sad. Perhaps it is our culture that builds celebrities up to thinking that their opinions somehow outrank the opinions of the masses or the educated because so often celebrities take stances and are allowed to speak to millions on subjects that should not be tackled by people with little to no education (Angelina Jolie and Ashton Kutcher come to mind).

However, West has nowhere near the kind of A list fame where his outbursts can be blamed on the public caring too much. Turns out, we don’t care, Kanye. His outbursts, therefore, can only be blamed on mental illness. I imagine he actually sits in his mansion, awkwardly next to oft-naked Amber Rose trying not to touch her, imagining millions of people in the outside world doing nothing but listening to his music and discussing him, hoping and praying Kanye will grace them with a word.

Meanwhile Kanye, in the real world, you aren’t really that famous. Sure, you have fans, but you are at best a C List celebrity. Gays and teenaged girls rule the world and decide who is famous. It is a simple fact of celebrity. You don’t appeal to them. So the people of the world continue their lives, worried about their futures in this economy and spending the little disposable income they have on Taylor Swift or Beyonce’s music. ( I mean I look for jobs while belting out “You Belong with Me” on a pretty much daily basis.)

Kanye is also sad and pathetic because he legitimately believes himself to be brave for gracing the world with the gift of his outbursts without realizing that he only goes on these tirades when he is attacking someone he views as defenseless or unlikely to give him shit for what he is doing. Pink was on the Today show this morning and said that she did not believe he would have rushed the stage if she had won. I agree. Pink would have punched him in the face without hesitation. He is a big tough man when rushing the stage and snatching microphone from a 90 pound teenaged girl. If Pink had won, he would have taken one look at that tiny ball of lightning and stayed firmly planted in his seat. Then, he would have simply taken to his blog and bitched about how BEYONCE WAZ ROBBED BUT PINK IS STIL MAD GUD. GO ON GRRL!!! J West would not want to anger Pink because unlike Swift who said little about the subject and was obviously shaken, Pink would have made the grown man cry. I mean, would you mess with Pink?

Finally, Kanye is pathetic because he believes he was in the right. After he got his and his girlfriend’s giant asses kicked out of the awards, he did the only thing he could do, “apologize” without actually being sorry or saying he was wrong in ALLCAPS. HE IS SOOOOOOO SORRY BUT BEYONCE DESERVED IT AND HE IS REAL. How is that an apology? It just continues to insult Swift and her fans. Kanye believes he can insult all these people because he is simply better than them and people love him. No one loves you, Kanye. You are a sad, little man. You are an embarrassment to your late mother, who was an educated English professor.
Unfortunately, Kanye is getting exactly what he wants. This is the first time I have thought about Kanye West for more than 30 seconds since Hurricane Katrina. He occasionally crosses my mind when I see pictures of his beard, the outrageous Amber Rose, dressed up in dental floss. I think we can all agree that their relationship is nothing more than a desperate cry for publicity.

Congratulations Kanye, your desperate need for attention has made you infamous. Like a bratty child, you have obviously decided that negative attention is better than none at all. You have joined the infamous ranks of ODB and Soy Bomb, oh and Lil Mama (who rushed the stage during Jay Z and Alicia Key’s snoozefest VMA closing performance).

Is it me or does she look like a kid posing with the wax figures at Madame Tussauds?

Believing that West is just a desperate, pathetic loser dying for his name to get into the news at the expense of a talented young woman, I vote that we officially turn our backs on the KING OF THE CAPS LOCK KEY. He is like a child screaming and throwing a temper tantrum in a toy store. If we simply turn around and ignore his screams, maybe he will calm down and go away. Ignoring him and making him less famous is the only way to truly get to West. Hopefully, the public will ignore him enough that he is forced to get a real job and live in the real world. And then hopefully, his ass gets fired for using CAPS LOCK in company emails. (http://consumerist.com/5350635/new-zealand-woman-fired-after-sending-too-many-all+caps-e+mails)

Thanks for the time!

xoxo,
KSquizz

Dear Kanye, WTF?

So this rant will be short, but not so sweet, and possibly will be continued by some guest bloggers. For those of you who still pay attention to such things as the VMAs (or watch the news), you know that Kanye West stormed the stage during Taylor Swift's acceptance speech for Best Female Music video last night, took the mic from her, and said that Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time (she was also nominated but didn't win). He was booed and later kicked out of the show (his performance was cancelled as well), and Beyonce, after winning Video of the Year, called Taylor back onstage to "have her moment" (= mad class) Here are my brief thoughts.



Dear Kanye:


WTF, dude? Why do you even care? Are you and Beyonce friends? Cause it seems like she was pretty pissed at you. What happened to you, man? Did you realize that after your first two albums, which I own and love, your music started to get lame? Is this some desperate attempt to stay relevant? Your douchiness used to be kind of funny, but when it humiliates a 19 year old girl during one of the most exciting moments of her life, that crosses a line. Maybe you should work instead on making music that shows your producing talent that was so evident on "College Dropout" and "Late Registration" which is ever so lacking now. Maybe you should work on dating someone who is not (I'm pretty sure), a dude.


We know you have a vendetta against country music, as evidenced when you lost out on an award to Carrie Underwood and had a fit, but don't fault these girls for having crossover appeal which you, apparently, are jealous of. That was not classy, or funny, and it made someone who used to be one of your biggest fans (me), not even want to listen to your old stuff that I loved so much. I get that not everyone likes country, its fine. But don't blatantly hurt feelings just for attention. Get over yourself.


Yours Truly,
Smurftastic, disappointed former fan


PS - Shaving designs in your head is SOOOOO VANILLA ICE. And he did it better.
PPS - Big ups to Beyonce and MTV for handling the situation gracefully

Golden Globe Awards 2009

So it’s that time of year… my favorite… AWARDS SEASON! The legitimate awards kick off tonight with the Golden Globes… and true to my fans, I’m providing a short commentary as I watch… Apologies because this will be more sparse than normal, since due to flight delays, I arrived back from Winter break a day late, and am currently folding every single piece of clothing I own, which I had to wash because my neighbors got bed bugs (ew). I only slept an hour last night after getting back from the bars and then getting up to catch my replacement flight… so this will either be lazy and hilarious or lazy and lame… I’m not really sure how good my sense of humor can be as I’m putting everything I own in garbage bags… let’s see.

First off, NFL playoff games are ending for the weekend – I so far really enjoy the outcome of today’s games… the Giants get knocked out (lots of unhappy people at school tomorrow) and the Steelers are winning with about a minute to go… Since DJ Victorious is a Steelers fan and promised to take me to Pittsburgh if they make it to the bowl, I’m obvi rooting for them.

I’m watching with my friend Ginger McWeasley, so if he says anything awesome, I’ll let you know. Early predictions for the awards:
Ginger thinks Heath Ledger, as do I, but Tom Cruise or Robert Downey winning for Tropic Thunder would be hilarious
Best picture = no idea. I’ve seen none of these. Neither has Ginger.
TV Shows = I think 30 Rock, Ginger thinks the Office
Ginger thinks True Blood for best dramatic series because “there’s enough tits in that movie to make people vote for it. And they were GOOOOOD tits.”
I think Mad Men
I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to see Neil Patrick Harris (hereinafter NPH) win for best supporting actor in a TV Show.
Meryl Streep is a shoe in for something at least, because it’s Meryl Streep.
Ginger McWeasley thinks someone is going to fall down the stairs. I’m just looking forward to the drunks.

I totally just realized I have no idea who’s hosting… but Ginger tried to tell me it was Ted Danson, which would be AMAZING! Also if they ignore Roy Scheider in the dead people montage, you know the drill, I’m going on a rant.

Jennifer Lopez is out first. If she is the host I need to start drinking… IMMEDIATELY. Maybe there is no host. A girl can dream. She looks terrible… some sort of golden dress… she just shushed people… and I want to punch the TV for the first of many times this evening. Kate Winslet wins best supporting actress for The Reader… which I really want to see if it ever comes to a non-Indy theater. God I hate acceptance speeches. This is still going on. I could have knitted a sweater in the time it took her to thank unimportant people.

Sting presents best original song… since when is he brunette? I’m creeped out. Ginger predicts Springsteen… but likes Peter Gabriel. Well done Ginger. Springsteen calls out Clint Eastwood. Even though you’re from Jersey, dude, Eastwood could kill you with only a look… so watch out.

NP’s award is up. I love him SO MUCH. He does not look confident. I think Piven will get it. Again. Or Tom Wilkinson for John Adams. That shit wins EVERYTHING. Come on NPH! God damn it. Tom Wilkinson. But NPH will always be first in my heart.

Movie related question: Why is Don Cheadle in Hotel for Dogs? Isn’t he like a well renowned actor? Does he have no self respect?

Zac Efron makes an appearance. Big ups to Rum&Efron… good to see you yesterday. I like John Hamm or Hugh Laurie for best actor in a drama. I really just want to hear Hugh Laurie talk in his sexy accent. Gabriel Byrne wins, no huge surprise. Kevin Bacon looks awfully shiny. Ginger thinks his hair looks ridiculous. Ginger watches and loves True Blood, but he made a “something smells” face when Ana Paquin won for best actress. She should think about investing in braces. Just saying.

Ricky Gervais is being Ricky Gervais. He’s pretty awesome.

Jonas Brothers announce the award Miley Cyrus is nominated for = awkward. This award is OBVI going to Wall-E.

Ginger and I are rooting for best actress to go to Emma Thompson. Another English lady wins. Her teeth are RIDIC.

Ummmmmmmm who was in charge of Drew Barrymore’s hair and makeup? Cause that is unnecessary in so many ways.

Supporting Actor Award… this is obvi the big one of the night. Tom Cruise can’t stop laughing at himself. I would too, Les Grossman, I would too. Heath Ledger wins. No surprise.
Colin Farrel makes a cocaine joke and my love for him grows even more. Does it make me a bad person that I’m a little bit sad he’s sober now?

Sad turtle Maggie Gyllenhaal makes an appearance. She looks sad and turtle-like. And is also reading WAY too slowly.

Love that Alec Baldwin won for 30 Rock. I secretly want Jack Donaghey to be my boss.

WTF happened to Renee Zelwegger? I mean she was never that great looking, but she looks like she aged 20 years overnight. And fired her stylist and hired Sharon Stone instead.

Tracy Morgan accepts for 30 Rock. He is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO high right now. Love him.

I’m really fading here… something awesome needs to happen. Where is the dead people montage?

Kate Winslet has won for both supporting actress and best actress. She seems genuinely surprised… I think I find her quite endearing.

Mad Men = no surprise.

Mickey Rourke takes home best actor. I’m pretty excited to hear his speech. I hope it’s a big bucket full of crazy. Ginger has left the building, but he missed Mickey tripping up the stage, just as he predicted. He is surprisingly coherent. I’m disappointed.

Slumdog Millionaire wins… I really have no interest in seeing this movie. I’m passing out. It’s been real. I'll be dreaming of dead people montages, because I missed out this year.

See you at the Oscars, if not before.

60th annual Emmy Awards - live commentary

60th annual Emmy Awards:

At thins point, we all know that I’m obsessed with awards shows. Even better than regular awards shows are awards shows that honor some kind of big anniversary. Like 60 years of the Emmys. Why are they awesomer? MORE MONTAGES. Montages of the past… featuring big stars and great shows. Some of which we may have forgotten about. So in anticipation of many montages to come ahead, let’s get this Emmy commentary started. Will also be featuring rando comments from my sister.

The hosts make their first appearance after an intro by Oprah (who, my sister and I agree, looks huge)– all 5 reality show host nominees. All wearing suits. Even Heidi Klum. Jeff Probst isn’t wearing a tie. C’mon man. Even Heidi’s in a tie. Lame. Howie Mandel’s “soul patch” is RIDICULOUS. He’s really fallen off since Bobby’s World. And by fallen off, I mean that was the only decent thing he’s ever done. Oh god, in talking about Klum wearing something not slutty, William Shatner of course comes on stage to strip her. Ugh. I’m pretty anti Shatner, namely because he’s so overexposed.

First award presented by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. She is super cute pregnant. Award is best supporting actor in a comedy. I would like to see this one go to Rainn Wilson or Neil Patrick Harris. They are just SO AMAZING. Stinson over Dwight though. Well, goes to Jeremy Piven. Again. He’s awesome on Entourage, and a personal inspiration to me… but he just doesn’t make me laugh out loud like NPH and Dwight do. Barney Stinson is my personal hero. Ari is just my professional hero.

Getting pretty excited about Josh Groban performing 30 of television’s theme songs. I can’t even begin to guess what all they’ll have.

Now best supporting actress in a comedy series: I’d like to see this one go to Amy Poehler or Jean Smart… mainly cause those are the only two whose shows I’ve seen. Jean Smart gets it… she is hilarious on Samantha Who. I love her. I wish I watched that show more, cause every time I’ve seen it I’ve really enjoyed it.

Ads for David Blaine’s new stunt… it’ll either be his best stunt, or his last. Let’s hope it’s his last. Not that I want him to die, I just want him to stop living.

Women’s montage! YES! Nope, that was a trick… just Desperate Housewives. Best supporting actor in a Drama. I’d like to see this go to Ted Danson or John Slattery, just because he’s awesome. I don’t watch any of the shows with actors nominated, but Damages and Mad Men are the only two I’d actually like to see.

Ricky Gervais… hilarious. Again proving my point that British people are better than regular people. And mocking his American counterpart, Carrell… well done to keep a straight face. I’m impressed, Michael Scott.

Conan slams Katherine Heigl. Love it. I’m hoping the best supporting actress in a drama award goes to Chandra Wilson from Greys. She’s way better than Sandra Oh and on the only show I watch. Dianne Wiest gets it. I love her, because she was in Footloose. Well done.

COLBERT REPORT gets its first writing award. Couldn’t be more thrilled. I heart Colbert.

Steve Martin has aged well. As has Tommy Smothers.

Is it really necessary for Josh Groban to change his voice for each theme song? Weird. MR. ROGER’S NEIGHTBORHOOD! Yess… He did a great job with South Park though. He actually sounded like Cartman. BAYWATCH! YES! AND FRESH PRINCE! This may be the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced! Wow… Ed MacMahon doesn’t look good. Losing your house must be rough. Can’t believe he didn’t sing Cheers. That is too bad. And I officially just downloaded the theme song to Baywatch. I judge myself.

Baldwin is wearing Tina Fey Glasses kind of. He looks a bit like Harry Carey too… weird. Outstanding Actress in miniseries – should go to Laura Linney… mainly cause she’s awesome. Good call, me, good call.

Outstanding musical, comedy or variety series – I hope this goes to Colbert or Daily Show. This Laugh-in lead in is a little long… Daily Show gets it… well deserved, but I still favor Colbert.
I’m pretty offended that Lauren Conrad is allowed on stage at the Emmys… but Guest actor/actress for comedy series… I think I want it to go to Will Arnett and Carrie Fisher or Elaine Stritch. But I was wrong.

Martin Sheen! I love that man, and not just because he brought Emilio Estevez into the world. He wants us to vote. I was planning on it, but thanks for the reminder.

Grey’s anatomy cast – Sandra Oh looks so much better in person than on the show. I would pay money to run my hands through Patrick Dempsey’s hair.

John Adams wins for best miniseries. I kind of wish I watched this, it was supposed to be awesome… I just don’t know if I have the energy/time for a historical miniseries.

NPH appearance! And he mocks Howie! I knew I loved him. Another nomination for Colbert – individual performance… I think he deserves this. Though Stewart was awesome on the Oscars. And Don Rickles wins. The old people always beat out my Stephen.

Kate Walsh makes an appearance. I have a total girl-crush on her. And love her new haircut.

Paul Giamatti totally snubs his real wife. Though I’d thank Laura Linney above her too. Wifey looked pissed, though.

Alec Baldwin wins for best comedic actor. Though I’d have preferred Steve Carrell… I love Jack Donaghy in 30 Rock. He’s awesome.
Dead people montage: If they leave out Roy Scheider again, I’m gonna be pissed. DUDE HE WAS REJECTED AGAIN. THAT’S IT MAN. IF OSCARS FORGET HIM, I’M WRITING A LETTER. SEAQUEST WAS ON TV. IT WAS A GREAT SHOW. FOR 3 WHOLE SEASONS! LAME!

Glad that a smaller show won for best lead actor in a drama… mainly because it’s not James Spader. Enough with Boston Legal already. Tina Fey wins for 30 Rock. God that’s a great show. I think I’m developing a girl crush on Tina Fey.

Best Reality Show host – Jeff Probst. Makes sense, he’s the original. Betty White is eerily similar to my grandma.

Tom Selleck appearance: My sister “Tom is still hot”. Me “I would totally do him.” Mad Men wins. I officially resolve to start watching that show. All in all, a decent Emmy awards. Great leadup to the biggest TV premiere week of the season. Can’t wait. Sorry this wasn’t that exciting of a blog, but I’m pretty tired/distracted by baking cookies for DJ Victorious’ birthday. Have a good one!

DANCING WITH THE STARS STARTS TOMORROW! GO LANCE!

ESPY awards commentary

So by now we are all aware of my love of awards shows. And my love of sports. And my love of NSYNC. What better way to celebrate such things than to watch the ESPY awards and share my thoughts with you. Get. Excited.

I'm already loving this because the images are giving me the chills. And my apartnemt is hot as balls. AWESOME.

So the Brett Favre retirement videos... don't you think they should have changed it since he's most likely coming back now? Nnot that I mind... cuase he's hot... but still.

AND JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE COMES OUT TO THE 90s CHICAGO BULLS ENTRANCE MUSIC... amazing!!!!!!

Oh Patriots zing... pretty lame. But the Kobe-Shaq double zing was respectable. HAHAHAHAHA mocking Eli for being lame and finally seeing a woman naked = awesome. Justin may have been flirting with David Beckham. I think I might be a bit turned on.

First award. Danica Patrick presents. Her hair looks like shit. Best upset award - if it ISN'T Appalachian State... I hate everyone. OK... the NY Giants win for the Super Bowl. Obviously the best Super Bowl I have ever witnessed, but compared to App State, it wouldn't be the same unless like the CFL beat the Patriots. Or a Pop Warner team. And if I hated the Patriots nearly as much as I hate Michigan. D bags.

So Favre is making jokes about coming back. I'm starting to genuinely feel bad for Aaron Rodgers... even though he's in no way as hot as Favre.

Oh god. JT is about to sing a song with Greg Oden on piano. Damn you Buckeyes... but this has potential to be ridiculous. The song is obviously inappropriately cheesy... then he strips down and goes all Billy Crystal and sings about what happens... OH HOCKEY REFERENCE! And he mocks Jessica Simpson. AGAIN. Not as good asw the SNL edition... but awesome. Referencing Janet Jackson's boob. This is really lame. I'm bored.

OK WHY IS TOM CRUISE NARRATING THE TOMMIE SMITH JOHN CARLOS BLACK POWER SALUTE MONTAGE? Other than Michael Richards, I really can't think of anything more ridiculous. Big ups to the Forrest Gump theme as soundtrack... I approve.

Tyree's Lord and Savior Jesus Christ won the SuperBowl. Obvi.

OK I'm giving up on this live blog. It is lame. WAIT DAVID BECKHAM IS TALKING!!!!! OK I'm bored again. Later.

UPDATE: I definitely started to cry when Kevin Everett came on stage to accept the Jimmy V award of perseverence... Wow... I know I say it a lot... but that guy actually for real pisses intensity. No lie. Big ups. I am inspired. What a champ.

Grammy Awards Recap!

Thoughts on the Grammys:

Not gonna lie, pretty offended by the opening duet with Alicia Keys and Frank Sinatra. I mean I get that everyone goes apeshit for her, and some of her songs are good. But she doesn’t do it for me. And I bet she wouldn’t do it for Frankie. And I swear, if she EVER says anything like “On behalf of the Chairman of the Board” again, I may need to hurt her. I may be a little defensive of him. Maybe. At least it wasn’t a Beatles song. Then it could get violent (or more violent).

Carrie Underwood – my god her legs got toned. She sounded good… hopefully she’ll sound even better when I see her in concert on Wednesday (get excited). Revamped version of Before He Cheats was pretty intense. Solid effort.

Commercial tells me a Beatles tribute is coming. Grammys are usually pretty good about tributes – the Eagles tribute last year was amazing, so I have high hopes. If it's Alicia Keys, I will stab someone.

Chairman of the Grammys + the original members of The Time + key-tar = I’M A HAPPY CAMPER. I have an inappropriate obsession w/ key tars. Key-tar, however, promptly leaves the stage to give way to Rhianna. (which I have no idea how to spell) Think she’s catchy and all, but performance would have been more awesome if they kept the key tar around. Key-tars (like piano key neckties or tuxedo T-shirts) make everything better.

I desperately want to see the Beatles Cirque du Soleil show. Looks like I may need to be on shrooms to understand it, but whatever. I’ll probably like it anyway.

Random presenting combo award goes to: Cindy Lauper and Miley Cyrus. Cindy Lauper is pretty cracked out, and Miley seems a little afraid. I would be too.

JASON BATEMAN APPEARANCE! YES I LOVE HIM! HOGAN FAMILY! ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT! Ok, that may have been too much all caps. I apologize for my exciteability.

I want light up sunglasses like Kanye. Pleased that Daft Punk made an appearance. In space suits. Awesome. Kanye West, as usual, wins at life.

Tina Turner/Beyonce. The outfits were ridiculous and unnecessary. Also the crotch on Tina is saggy… but better a saggy crotch than camel toe. Also the talking before Proud Mary = creepy. My roommate Rooster says it all, “Why is Tina wearing a spacesuit?”

OH! Jesus brought the sunshine. Thanks man. Keep up the good work. Jesus music medley. Uh oh, one of my college buddies, alias Rum&Efron is on to you! “It’s like they are only giving Jesus music 5 minutes so get as many people up there as possible, bc then we are switching to coke addicts.” I couldn’t have said it better if I wanted to. So far Amy Winehouse has won 2 awards. They keep saying she can’t be here, and I want to giggle, cause her visa got denied and she has now moved in with the Osbournes after leaving rehab. Looking forward to her performance a bit… if any of the internet videos I’ve seen of her in the last few months are any indication, it should be entertaining.

Brand new information… the song sung by Feist is an actual song and not just an iPod commercial. Go figure.

Kid Rock + folk singer = awkward. Rum& Efron, being very smart, has muted.

This just in: ROY SCHEIDER HAS DIED. I love Roy Scheider. Jaws, SeaQuest… it doesn’t get much better than that. He was an integral part of my youth, and I secretly wanted him as my father/grandpa. RIP. He will be missed.

Vince Gill just called out Kanye West for never having been given a Grammy by one of the Beatles. Holy Crap. I want Kanye to win whatever else he is nominated for tonight, just to see his response.

Amy Winehouse performs. I am disappointed I can understand most of what is coming out of her mouth. Yikes, the dancing is awkward though. There is NO WAY she is completely sober. Either that or she really has to pee. I find it ironic that she’s saying she won’t go to rehab. This conversation is what transpired after Rum&Efron said she was going to sleep:
Rum&Efron: dude I had to sign back on....what the fuck was that shit????
Smurftastic: ummmmmmmmm CRACKED OUT
Rum&Efron: 1. She was convulsing on stage while grabbing her crotch
Rum&Efron: 2. her back up singers kept looking at her
Rum&Efron: 3. she kept growling while singing
Rum&Efron: 4. she gave a shout out to her incarerated boyfriend
Rum&Efron: 5. she looked like she had no clue how to talk into a microphone
Rum&Efron: seriously....we gave her 3 grammys?
Rum&Efron: only in America can a foreign crack head win 3 grammys
Rum&Efron: that is all I have to say
Rum&Efron: good night!

Pretty fabulous performance by Josh Groban and Andrea Bocelli. Yes, I love those guys, and yes, my mother introduced me to them. I am the epitome of cool. It's OK to be jealous.

Closing performance – Little Richard, Fogerty, Jerry Lee Lewis. Little Richard’s hair is probably bigger than Amy Winehouse’s. Fogerty sounds good though. Lewis has a pretty decent voice for as old has he is. Little Richard looks exactly the same, but may have made up some lyrics. Throwbacks are fun though, so I shant rant too much.

Usher mocks Kanye West also. Herbie Hancock wins album of the year. Awesome, though it would have been nice to hear what Kanye had to say. Gotta love the jazz shoutouts. I love jazz.

All in all, a solid effort on the Grammys this year. Not the best I've ever seen, but certainly not the worst. Only 2 weeks till the Academy Awards AND the writer's strike is over, so they may actually be funny and/or happen. I'm a happy camper.

CMA Awards Recap!

So tonight was one of my favorite nights of the years since the move to the Jers. What is it you ask? Well it's the Country Music Association Awards. Oh yeah. Viva la country. I love it even more than I used to because I get negative country exposure here. Here are some of my thoughts on the show and the winners.

1. FINALLY a loss for Brooks and Dunn for duo of the year. No offense to B&D... BUT you've won for like 29 years in a row. And all your songs sound the same. Seriously. We all loved Boot-scootin' boogie... but we didn't need to hear it with different words 346 more times. Congratulations to Sugarland, who despite having an overplayed first single... are a GREAT band. Check them out.


2. Rascal Flatts need to get some better earpieces. They sounded like shit in both songs. Even though they are great live (I should know, I've seen them 4 times...) the harmonies tonight were PAINFUL. They also do a song w/ Jamie Foxx... who used to be roommates with the lead singer. RANDOM.


3. Carrie Underwood is fabulous. Were it not for the fact that she used to date Tony Romo, she would be perfect. Her new album is great, her old album was outstanding, she is unbelievably gorgeous, and she wins awards. If I didn't love her so much, I'd hate her.


4. Lots of American Music Awards ads. of all the performances at the AMAs... the only ones i'd actually watch for are Duran Duran and Rascal Flatts... I feel as though I should judge myself.


5. Kenny Chesney was not wearing skin tight pants. Oddly unsettling. I can't decide how I feel about it. Still entertainer of the year, always a great choice. His concerts are amazing, and his albums have good sing-a-long potential.


6. Dierks Bentley is unbelievably hot. Like PHENOMENALLY HOT. I was pretty sad when he cut off his sexy curly hair in his "Long Trip Alone" video. But he looked GREAT with the buzz cut. And now its growing out. OH MY GOD. Also he has a great voice and is amazing on tour. Oh and I met him once. And he said I was nice. Oh yeah.


7. Male vocalist of the year - Brad Paisley. Writes great comedic songs, and also heart wrenchers. Probably the most talented guitarist I've ever seen in my life. Oh and he's married to the daughter from Father of the Bride. Bonus.


8. Dwight Yoakum was wearing a rhinestone jacket and leather pants which are tighter than my going out jeans. He is at least over the age of 45. YIKES.


9. The Eagles may be old balls... but DAMN are they a great band. I am buying their greatest hits album... NOW.


10. I hate that Jersey or NYC does not have a country station. I know there are rednecks here. I've seen them. What do they listen to?
11. If you have a penis, there is a 50% chance that Miranda Lambert will kill you. See also - I'm goin' home, gonna load my shotgun, Wait by the door and light a cigarette, If he wants a fight well now he's got one, And he ain't seen me crazy yet. Hell. I don't have a penis, and I'm scared.

All in all... there were twice as many performances as awards... which makes a great show. Country music is awesome. Here is Dierks. YUM.