I think I have an addiction...

So. I mean we all knew this was coming. Well maybe not me. Maybe everyone knew I was sick (especially after the BBCS). But I didn't. I thought it was under control. I mean... I can quit anytime I want. In fact, I did quit. Twice. Denial must be a symptom.

I mean I sometimes did it for the homage value, but not cause I really liked it. And I always made fun of it while I secretly loved it.

I have now realized that I cannot quit anytime I want. I am sick. I have an addiction. And since the first step is acceptance, here goes.

My name is Smurftastic, and I'm addicted to boy bands.

Phew. I got that off my chest. I am a 24 year old woman who hearts boy bands. I have hearted boy bands since I first listened to my sister's New Kids on the Block tapes. Then I suddenly became EXTREMELY anti-boy band. All through grade school and junior high, I was "too good" for boy bands. I liked "quality" music (apparently that sometimes meant crap like Limp Bizkit... but whatever). Stuff that the cool kids listened to. And while I would NEVER give up that period of my life (I mean it introduced me to the Beatles, after all...) it's not me.

All it took was 1 Disney Channel In Concert Special and a summer in a new town where I had only 1 friend (who was obsessed) to suck me right back in. And that is when NSYNC entered my life. And made it infinitely better. First concert I ever went to... NSYNC. I may have cried. I know I peed at least 10 times before the show because I was so excited. I even had a sign. A crazy fan threw a Chris Kirkpatrick pin at my head. I think i might still have it somewhere.

Boy band obsession then came full circle (or so I thought). Jordan Knight opened for NSYNC during their "Boys of Summer" tour. Yes, they took my "New Kids forever" sign away from me (but that was really just for ironic purposes, right?) but I still had a fabulous time and thought I was a winner as a 15 year old who knew both NSYNC and NKOTB... and even felt superior to those poor 8 year old girls who didn't know NKOTB. Seriously. Judged them for not understanding the history. Well the rest of high school is self explanatory. 3 more NSYNC concerts, a Backstreet Boys concert, an Aaron Carter concert (seriously), and a 98 Degrees and a 5ive CD. By that point, my mother could name all members of NSYNC including their middle names (with a little prodding, she can still do it).

Then, as soon as it started, it ended. Justin went solo. JC tried. Lance acted. I moved on. Sure, when I'm sad, nothing brings me up like a good NSYNC song... and when I'm excited, they're good too. And yes, I have been known to do the full on dances in public (preferably bars or at karaoke)... but it was an homage to my past, right? Just recognizing where we came from? I got more into country music. And rap. And classic rock. And 90s rock that I missed out on while being obsessed with boy bands. I was expanding.

And then. And then. The reunion tour was announced. THE reunion tour. New Kids on the Block... of course. I fully intended to go but it was "for humor value only" and because "I owed it to 2nd grade Smurftastic", etc. I thought I was totally over it when I watched their premiere video and laughed my head off at how ridiculous it was. I thought I was too grown up. And then, and then... I went to the concert. Before the show, I was excited, but it was the kind of excited that is like "I can't believe I'm actually doing this..." not "OMFG IF JORDAN KNIGHT SMILES IN MY GENERAL DIRECTION I WILL PEE MY PANTS!" I recognize that they have kids and are grown up. I'm technically grown up. I get there and laugh at the old ladies in puffy painted T-shirts and intend to drink to get through it if they play too many new songs instead of the old stuff.

And then something in me changed. As I saw Jordan, Joey and the others up there I stopped laughing hysterically and started smiling and giggling. And the beast was awakened. Texts were sent declaring "THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE" and I took more pictures than would fit in a standard facebook album. I jumped up and down and clapped. I screamed a little. I am 24. The worst part... 5 days later, I purchased their new album.

I, Smurftastic, own the 2008 New Kids on the Block CD release. And it's not a greatest hits album (I already owned that one). It's ALL NEW. First time I listened to it, I thought it was the worst crap... ever. Now, just a few weeks later... I love it. I can't help it. I know it's "bad" music. I know there is a song that literally makes a Baby, Swayze, Dirty Dancing reference. But I love it. I could sing most of it right now.

When I went home last weekend for Homecoming it really came to my attention that I have a problem. It was the moment when I made my mom listen to the CD in the car on the way home from the airport. Her response was "Wow, this is really boy-bandy. Like really." My response, "No, no it's not... it's... it's..." My mom gently says "I thought you grew out of this."

I didn't. I didn't and now I realize that it's not my fault. I love boy bands. My all time favorite band was technically a boy band (The Beatles, duh), and the oldies I like are mostly boy bands (Jackson 5, the Monkees, etc...). Why had I not seen it? Is it genetic? Is this curable? Is there rehab? Support groups? Am I the only one with this affliction? How do I get rid of it? Do I even want to? I had some hard times after my realization, and then realized, as long as it doesn't run my life, I can handle it.

Tonight, my friends, tonight, I'm starting to wonder whether or not I can handle it. Now, although I am a boy-band fan, I consider myself a boy-band snob. There are good boy bands, and there are boy bands that are complete shit - devoid of the talent and the producing and writing needed to make something good. Like O-town. They were awful. I mean I have a song or two of theirs, but only because they were ridiculous (sound familiar?). I was anti-Hanson until they came out with the "This Time Around" album... which had some good songs... but I was never a fan of MmmBop. Throw something as obvious as "Boyztown" at me and I will judge you, and possibly punch you. At least try to disguise it. Honestly.

Tonight, I realized I am not as "high brow" as I thought. A Friday night at home and I get bored with my Netflix date for the night and decide to research my Halloween costume. I am going as Hannah Montana (most likely)... but have never seen a single one of her shows or heard one of her songs. No harm no foul, right? Have to make sure the costume is accurate, right? This RAPIDLY progresses to watching every single Jonas Brothers video on YouTube... just to see what the fuss is about, right? "Wow this is awful!" I say, while I watch another video and buy another song from iTunes. And now, and now, I HEART a few of their songs. But their songs aren't that good... But here's the weird part... I don't really think they are hot (I guess that's good because that means I'm not a pedophile...), but if their songs aren't good and they aren't hot and they don't dance... why am I listening?

Well, here it is, I think. I like dudes that sing like girls. There, I said it. I think it's so when I sing along, they are in my range. Girl artists get too high for me, and deep voiced dudes go too low. Also, I find 5-part harmonies soothing. They put me at peace. Hence, NSYNC and NKOTB are my favorite boy bands of the modern boy-band era. Also, choreography is fun. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

The obsession may sleep again, but I need to be prepared that it will surface again. After all, NSYNC is still under contract for 3 more albums. And by then, maybe I can be one of those 30-something women peeing themselves at a boy-band concert. A girl can dream, right?

Wow. I'm glad I got that off my chest. Acceptance is the first step to recovery. But can you recover if you don't want to?

Smurftastic's EuroTrip... We've Come To the End of the Road

Dublin Airport 11:04 am

Yeah, that’s right. I busted out a Boyz II Men song title. Don’t hate the player… hate the game (and check back to the BBCS and relive some memories). Anyway, really have come to the end of the road. I’m chillaxin’ in the beautiful Dublin airport, after a great 3 weeks in Galway. I highly recommend it as a vacation spot. Perhaps not for a full 3 weeks if you aren’t taking classes, but definitely for a while. There’s a lot to see and a lot to drink. Here are some things I’ve learned about Ireland.

Irish people LOVE to tell stories and/or just listen to themselves talk. Even me… Chatty McCathy… couldn’t get a word in edgewise the past few nights. I found a great little DOMB (Dirty Old Man Bar – Pia’s in Champaign… I’m lookin’ at you here), and these old Irish men love me… basically cause I’m the youngest female in the bar by at least 20 years. But pretty much they just like to tell me about random crap such as the last time they were in the Dublin airport and had to dump out their water bottle. Good times.

Irish accents are a lot harder to understand than I thought they would be. I felt very rude making people say stuff two or three times, but whatever. They mock me for my Chicago A’s, so they can say stuff more than once for me.

The American Dollar is awesome – stuff at home is going to be so cheap. If I had any money left in my life at all… I would look forward to shopping/eating/drinking in Manhattan.

I always get shafted when it comes to nicknames. I never end up with random awesome nicknames. This trip gave us such golden names for others as “Lilly” (for a boy), “Boo!yah”, “Stinky/Little Britches”, and “El Heffe.” What do I get? Gail. Seriously. Or BigGail. Even better. Makes me really appreciate some of the more original names I got in college (ahem…Smurf…ahem). Come on law school-ers… lets get creative.

Sheep in Ireland are speedy. Also, they do NOT appear to like being chased. Yeah they are everywhere, in the streets, running free, whatever. If you are going to make yourself available, I WILL chase you and try to take a picture giving you a hug. Don’t baaaaa at me. If you just waited for 10 seconds while I took a picture, maybe I wouldn’t need to chase you. Quit being so insensitive. And now I don’t have a sheep picture with me in it. Just of you running away.. A-holes.

Even in the rain, Ireland is still fabulous – some of our tours were completely water-logged, and while a lot of people on the trip hated it… whatever… its still Ireland and that’s better than pretty much anything the US has to offer. However, if you go to Galway ever, I would not recommend doing both the Aran Islands AND the Burren unless you have loads of time. One or the other is probably OK. Rocks and rock walls and rock forts by cliffs are basically the same anywhere.

Irish guys are hot – but I knew that already. Sometimes things just need to be reiterated.

Severe Mayo obsession alert – seriously. It’s on EVERYTHING. I mean I know I don’t like mayo anyway… but seriously… don’t you get sick of the stuff? Just like cream or butter is on everything. Are there no lactose intolerant people in Europe? Maybe there were, but they all were killed by milk and cheese… or run down by sheep trying to escape tourists (my bad).

Everyone in Ireland hates Dublin, except people from Dublin… it’s a lot like the way a lot of Americans feel about NYC or LA, or the way quite a few Canadians feel about Toronto… but it appears to be justified.

There is a lack of karaoke and cigars in Galway – all I wanted was a nice Cuban and to sing Johnny Cash… is that too much to ask?

White horse rumors are silly – our bus driver on the way into Galway told us that if you see 7 white horses while you are in Galway, you will end up marrying someone from Galway. Well … including the 2 white horses that lived on the grounds where our dorms were (do you think they were trying to tell me something?)… I saw 15 white horses without looking too hard… and I didn’t meet any guys from Galway, but met a Canadian. Hmmmm…

Anyway, it’s been real, all…but I need to head home to DJ Victorious. She misses our reality show blogs. And who wouldn’t. Here’s a creeptastic taste of the UK though… they have a real time live Big Brother. It’s seriously on EVERY TIME I turn on the TV. I think it has its own channel. Seriously? Do I need to watch them sleep? Apparently. Oh also, they still have Maury. Only here I watched it with breakfast, and it made me happy and was a great start to the day.

I’m heading to Rome for 3 days with the family (come on Grandma slipping me cash…) then back to the Jers for a super hott American summer. Keep those fingers crossed for good movies on the plane so you don’t have to read another super interesting rant about it.

Random thoughts about the goings on in the world.

Looking like its going to be another Federer-Nadal Wimbledon final. BORING. I mean I love Federer, but let’s have some new people. *cough* Andy “The Choker” Roddick *cough*. Also, there is only so much male Capri pant a girl can take, and spending a month in Europe already is not boding well for Nadal.
Also… Venus Williams’ tennis outfits are inappropriate. I have boy cut underwear that covers more of my ass than her shorts. This ain’t the US Open. Keep it classy. Also… I love Johnny Mac. Yes… I knew that already… but his Wimbledon BBC commentary is amazing. Also, I miss Andre Agassi.

Studio 60 is officially cancelled. I already bought the final episode on iTunes, but I’m saving it for a very special occasion where I can bitch /weep openly. I need a Chandler Bing fix… so let’s get him a new show ASAP. Maybe I should just hire him to live in my apartment and be funny. I bet he’d do it for free blue box mac & cheese and 15 bucks a month, right? Who wouldn’t.

BBCS FINAL RANKINGS!

Ok... That took WAYYYYYYY longer than I thought it would or was necessary. Whatever. Here are the final rankings and scores. Ties will be broken purely by Smurftastic's preference. So, without further ado... the final rankings of the boy band championship series... comments or complaints are welcome... ENJOY!

all 4 one - 8
Moffats - 10
SoulDecision - 12 (soul decision beats Youngstown)
Youngstown - 12
Take That - 13
B2K - 13.5
Dreamstreet - 14
Wham! - 16.5
Boyzone - 17
Color Me Badd -17 (tie rankings - Color Me Badd over Next, who beat out Boyzone)
Next - 17
5ive - 20
Menudo - 21
BBMak - 22
Hanson - 22 (Hanson knocks out BBMak, who beat the Vilalge People)
Village People - 22
98 Degrees - 23
New Edition - 23
o-town - 23 (New Edition beat out 98 Degrees, who DOMINATE O-town)
LFO - 24
2gether - 26
Osmonds - 27
Temptations - 27
Monkees - 28
Boyz II Men - 30
BSB - 34
NKOTB - 35
Jackson 5 - 38
Beatles - 39

AND YOUR CHAMPIONS.......
NSYNC - 43 points out of 45...

Anyway, that's the end of the BBCS. THANK GOD. I'm leaving for Europe in less than 24 hours. Get excited. I'll try to do some blog updates... judging from around the globe! Get excited!

The BBCS Final Analysis!!!!

Alright. This is it. The FINAL BBCS rankings. All the bands left, letters N-Z. Get excited.

New Edition

• Strength of Schedule 2 - pretty much only in competition with NKOTB in their early years
• Overcoming adversity 3 - Bobby Brown, but at least he left in 86
• Album Sales 2- only #1 album in the US was their 1996 album. Honestly, who bought a New Edition album in 96?????, but had other successful albums
• Tour/Merchandise 1 - not much wikipedia info on tours... apparently had Bobby Brown as an opening act on a 1987-88 tour
• Artistic Performance 3 - extra points for awesome choreography and ridiculously high pitched voices
• Alumni Success 3 - Bobby Brown had a relatively successful album, married Whitney Houston, and got super cracked out. And DON'T FORGET about 3 members forming Bel Biv DeVoe. (ABC, BBD, The East Coast Family...)
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 5 - DJVictorious once told me she is a huge fan. Smurftastic thinks Candy Girl is a great song
• Miscellaneous 3 - Madonna was one of their opening acts, but they had a song called "Popcorn Love"
• Post-success nostalgia 1 - eh.... a bit... but they are in the studio now working on their eighth album... EW

Total Score: 23

Next

• Strength of Schedule 5 - around beginning in 97 - same time as NSYNC, BSB and others
• Overcoming Adversity 2 were managed by a member of a group called Sounds of Blackness, lots of horrible naming involved... for example their second album was called Welcome II Nextasy... eew...
• Album Sales 3 - "Too Close" went to number one... won a bunch of Billboard awards
• Tour/Merchandise 1 - no info on tours... probably
• Artistic Performance 1 - points for the fact that their name (Next) stands for Noone Ever Expected This. CLASSY
• Alumni Success 1 - still together. Maybe Tweety is doing some big things... who knows
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 2- hates herself for it... but Smurftastic likes "Too Close"... not enough to buy an album... but it's catchy
• Miscellaneous 1 Their original name was Straight4ward - could have been included in the numbers group, group member nicknames include "R.L.", "T-Low" and Deponce (that is listed as his actual name. You are both cool and probably a future guest on Maury. Former member nicknamed Tweety
• Post-success nostalgia 1 - not really... although who isn't nostalgic about singing a song where a girl feels a guy's boner while they're dancing. HOT

Total Score 17

The Osmonds

• Strength of Schedule 3 - most successful in the 70s... not a ton of boybands to deal with, but bubblegum pop and otherwise awesome music was EVERYWHERE
• Overcoming Adversity 3 - Mormons... so probably didn't take FULL advantage of the groupie ass. Plus had both big teeth and big hair
• Album Sales 2 - had a #1 single... but didn't particularly blow up the album charts
• Tour/Merchandise 2 - not a huge touring act... but had the usual 70s lunchboxes and other such merchandise
• Artistic Performance 3 - on one of their later albums, actually wrote all their own songs and played their own instruments. Bonus points for the glittery bell bottoms. Those were HOT
• Alumni Success 4 - The 4 other Osmond bros still perform together in Branson. Donny kicked ass in both Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat in Chicago AND Mulan (Somehow he'll... make a MAN... out of YOUUUUUUU). Donny and sister Marie had a talk show in the 90s that Smurftastic FULLY enjoyed
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 4 - Smurftastic fully enjoys the Osmonds.. and yes, once went to a Donny Osmond concert with her Mom in Springfield. She knows you are jealous
• Miscellaneous 2 apparently crazy Osmond fans were called "Osmania"... original guys; Alan's 8 kids formed "The Osmonds Second generation" or 2ndG...
• Post-success nostalgia 4 - oh the nostalgia is still there. Smurftastic witness baby boomer women FLIPPING OUT and rushing the stage at Donny's concert... a sad glimpse into her future she thinks

Total Score 27

SoulDecision

• Strength of Schedule 5 - came out in 99
• Overcoming Adversity 0 - no info about it... whatever
• Album Sales 1 - had like 2 hit singles and their first album went platinum once... that's about it
• Tour/Merchandise 1 - only one small tour
• Artistic Performance 1 - one of the boy band pioneers of featuring a rap verse.
• Alumni Success 0 - one guy left in 04 to pursue a solo career... still waiting expectantly for it to come out...
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 1 - faded is a pretty sweet song, not gonna lie
• Miscellaneous 2 - Were Canadian!!!!! YESSSSSSSSS
• Post-success nostalgia 1 - enjoyed that it was featured on the ultimate boy band throwback album... "Now That's What I Call Music Vol. 4"

Total Score 12

Take That

• Strength of Schedule 1 - big era was 1990-96... nothing huge boy band wise... the end of NKOTB and Boyz II Men... but these guys were off in England
• Overcoming Adversity 2 - Robbie Williams didn't like his clean cut image, so started to party with Oasis... God Oasis is AWESOME...
• Album Sales 3 - some of the biggest selling albums in the UK in the 90s belonged to Take That - also according to Wikipedia, "Take That are one of only seven acts in the history of the British Singles Chart whose tally of number ones is in double figures."
• Tour/Merchandise 2 no real info here - except went on a 2006 Ultimate Tour when they reunited
• Artistic Performance 1 - no idea, but Smurftastic has a HUGE weakness for British accents... good for them
• Alumni Success 2 - Robbie Williams did pretty well on the overplayed department ("Millenium" anyone?), the other guys had some low key solo careers or acting gigs... reunited and are now recording an album
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 1 - the accents are good, but Smurftastic can't recall any of their songs. She thinks when they were big she was probably in her "I hate pop music" phase. That was a sad phase
• Miscellaneous 1 got their name from a quote by Madonna. Are they trying to tell us something?
• Post-success nostalgia 0 - sorry... none really.

Total Score 13

The Temptations

• Strength of Schedule 3 - higher score here because they are still around, and have been since the 1960s... solid effort, guys
• Overcoming Adversity 3 - couldn't have been easy being an all black group in the 60s. Also from Detroit. That's a tough town, man
• Album Sales 4 - 22 million sold by 1982... that's pretty impressive
• Tour/Merchandise 3 tons of tours when they were big, now splinter groups and reunion tours are still makin' the rounds
• Artistic Performance 3 - matching suits and choreography. Mamma likey
• Alumni Success 3 a spinoff of the group is still around. NICE
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 2 - that shit is catchy... don't deny it
• Miscellaneous 3 - according to Wikipedia, "In 2004, Rolling Stone Magazine ranked The Temptations #67 on their list of the 100 Greatest Artists of All Time."; Duran Duran also covered one of their songs
• Post-success nostalgia 3 - there's something not trustworthy about people who don't at least tap their toes to the Temptations.

Total Score 27

Village People

• Strength of Schedule 2 around from the 70s to today... nice job guys
• Overcoming Adversity 2 - gay icons. And actual real gay icons... not closeted like most of the rest of the boy bands
• Album Sales 5 - 85 million albums sold. Wow. Are there really 85 million Karaoke machines and wedding DJ's out there? Oh and don't forget cruise ships
• Tour/Merchandise 2 - even opened for Los Lonely Boys in 2004. NICE
• Artistic Performance 3 - just look at the costumes.
• Alumni Success 1 - still around, but with newer band members
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 1 - its annoying, but Smurftastic is a wanna be cruise director, and can't resist any type of choreography
• Miscellaneous 1 - tried to become New Wave artists in the 80s, and released an album called sex over the phone
• Post-success nostalgia 5 - COME ON... its the YMCA. Favorite of cruise directors everywhere

Total Score - 22

Wham!

• Strength of Schedule 2 - 1981-1986... whatever
• Overcoming Adversity 2 - their name was Wham!... and look at their hair. that is adversity if I've ever seen it
• Album Sales 2 - 3 number one US singles, and pretty big in the UK
• Tour/Merchandise 2 - did a couple of arena tours... nothing ginormous
• Artistic Performance 1 - quite a bit of snapping fingers and bopping back and forth... plus those choose life shirts were pretty hot
• Alumni Success 2.5 - George Michael did big(ish) things and got arrested a few times... plus came out of the closet. HUGE surprise
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 2 - Smurftastic LOVES "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" because its so ridiculous... but that's about it
• Miscellaneous 1 - What the hell is Andrew Ridgeley doing now?
• Post-success nostalgia 2 - pretty much symbols of the 80s

Total Score 16.5

Youngstown

• Strength of Schedule 5 - 1998 - NSYNC and BSB time
• Overcoming Adversity 1 - named after a city in Ohio. Seems kind of ridiculous to me
• Album Sales 1 - pretty much big on the soundtrack circuit - they were the band with the Inspector Gadget song... also on Princess Diaries
• Tour/Merchandise 1 - did a Disney in concert special (at the same time Smurftastic was in Disneyworld... she didn't go... but thought about it)
• Artistic Performance 1 - wore Gadget trenchcoats in the video. I wonder if they had Go Go Gadget Gadgets in there. That would have been AWESOME
• Alumni Success 1 - 2 of the 3 members are now doing a duet album, the other is living out of the spotlight
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 1 - Smurftastic is embarrassed to admit, but she thinks that the Inspector Gadget song is catchy
• Miscellaneous 1 - also appeared on the Pokemon soundtrack... Pokemon is HORRIBLE... I judge them
• Post-success nostalgia 0 - ummmm I may be the only person who has ever actually heard of them. Whatever

Total Score - 12

The BBCS part Thrice!!!

Ok, for all those who missed me... I'm back to finish up these BBCS updates. So far we've learned about the abbreviators and the dudes w/ numbers in their names, and for lack of a better way to categorize... I give you.... BOY BANDS LEFT IN THE BBCS UP THROUGH THE LETTER M.

The Beatles:

• Strength of Schedule 4 - not exactly primo time for Boy Bands between 1960 and 1970... but probably the strongest musical era of all time.
• Overcoming adversity 3 - lost their original drummer and had to pick up a dude named Ringo. Lots of drugs, fighting and Yoko. Problem is, they didn't really overcome that adversity well... they broke up. Yoko sucks. Anway... they were only around for 10 years, and the world needed them for much longer; Plus, in the 80s... Michael Jackson bought the rights to almost all their songs. And now is crazy. Good times
• Album Sales 5 - still destroying the charts even after two of them are dead.
• Tour/Merchandise 4 - didn't tour after August 29, 1966... just made AMAZING studio albums. Still selling merchandise like crazy though, although didn't really have marionette dolls while they were alive (ahem, NSYNC)
• Artistic Performance 5 - probably the greatest band of all time as far as being creative and unique with their music but still selling TONS of albums. Extra points for Sgt. Pepper's and the White Album for creative covers and fun outfits
• Alumni Success 4 - John was quite successful with solo albums till some crazy dude shot him, Ringo made country albums, George made stuff about being Hindu and awesome, and Paul had Wings (subpar... but still not too shabby), amazing live albums, and Heather Mills being a whorebag and divorcing him. They will still always be "The Beatles," and never as successful apart as they were together... but not too bad if you can get it.
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 5 - Smurftastic's favorite band of all time... she judges all those who say they don't like the Beatles, and also doesn't understand you.
• Miscellaneous 4 - fewer points here cause they aren't really a boy band... they are too awesome. And one of the few bands who was ever able to truly outgrow the bubble gum pop phase and still be successful. However, get kid points: Julian Lennon shares Smurftastic's bday, and Stella McCartney is one of her favorite fashion designers.
• Post-success nostalgia 5 - its the Beatles for crappsakes. All you have to do is look at the success of their compilation albums (Anthology, 1, among others) and their new Vegas show. They are the shit and a half.

Total Score - 38

Boyzone:

• Strength of Schedule 3 - around 1993-2000... so the tail end of NKOTB/Boyz II Men era and the beginning of the NSYNC era
• Overcoming adversity 3 - from Ireland, not exactly known as a hotbed of musical activity, Stephen Gately came out of the closet, and his boyfriend's name was Eloy de Jong (ridiculous), and he was a Dutch boyband singer
• Album Sales 2 - apparently their first four albums went to #1 in the UK. Also have a bunch of compilation CDs... Smurftastic cannot name a single song of theirs.
• Tour/Merchandise 2 - apparently sold out a tour (35,000 tickets in Ireland) in less than 4 hours. But no idea anything about merchandise
• Artistic Performance 1 - no idea at all... assuming artistic performance was minimal because their name was non-creative
• Alumni Success 2 - one of them has a solo career, the gay one does well in West End musicals, one is a music producer, one is on a British soap opera, and one was on "Celebrity Love Island"... Smurftastic still doesn't know any of their names off hand
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 2 - Smurftastic has only heard of them, not any of their songs or names.. but Mama Smurftastic LOVES whatever Boyzone song they played on her light rock radio station
• Miscellaneous 1 - Colin Farrel tried out to be in the Band and didn't make it!!!!! Young female celebs he devirginized say "thank you."
• Post-success nostalgia 1 - none.

Total Score: 17

Backstreet Boys

• Strength of Schedule 5 - around during the boy band explosion of the late 90s
• Overcoming adversity 3 - one of their members was named Howie. Otherwise, not that cute... and weren't very good dancers. Also, were put together by captain creep (Lou Pearlman) himself
• Album Sales 4 - Wikipedia estimates that they have sold over 100 million albums worldwide. However, their first week sales were DESTROYED by a certain awesome band (NSYNC)
• Tour/Merchandise 4 - Apparently sold over 1 million tickets to their Black & Blue tour in 24 hours. HOWEVER, Smurftastic went to one of their earlier shows. Garbage. They tried to be cool w/ a circular stage, but Howie was on her side the entire time. Plus Kevin had a piano that dropped from the ceiling. Cheesy. Big merchandise sales, though. Wikipedia says that over $14 million in merchandise was sold during their 1999 tour, and have sold over 200 million books.
• Artistic Performance 4 - their slower songs were (admittedly) better than NSYNC, and their vocal talents were greater... but they weren't as good at the fun beats and the dancing. Plus lacking a bit of personality, if you ask Smurftastic.
• Alumni Success 3 - got back together after Nick Carter put out a rock solo album (haha). Nick and his family had a show on E! about their dysfunction. Kevin has since left the band to perform in musicals. AJ went to rehab. Wikipedia says a new album is going to be released in July.
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 4 - despite the NSYNC Loyalties... Smurftastic can't really hate on BSB. Their earlier albums were decent, even though the concert was subpar... she's a fan.
• Miscellaneous 3 - Special thanks to Nick Carter for getting famous and opening the door to a certain someone named Aaron Carter, who gifted the world with such musical gems as "Come Get It" and "That's How I Beat Shaq": he even sang a song and did a video with his brother. HILARIOUS. Also, "The Perfect Fan" is an adorable mother's day song. Also... please enjoy this excerpt from the Wikipedia page: - "In 2000, the Backstreet Boys teamed with Stan Lee to produce a Web-based franchise named The Backstreet Project which chronicled the adventures of the Backstreet Boys as cyber-crusaders. The project debuted as a limited-edition collector's comic book that was sold exclusively at Backstreet Boys concerts. The animated series was launched on the Web in the summer of 2000 using Macromedia Flash animation and was sold out on the first day." - BAAAAhahahahahahahaha
• Post-success nostalgia 4 - awwwwwww... remember the "Thriller"-like dance to Everybody (Backstreet's Back) and that one video at the airport to the song that didn't really make sense???? Good times.

Total Score - 34

Color Me Badd

• Strength of Schedule 3 - around in the early 90s... had to deal w/ NKOTB and Boyz II Men, but that's about it
• Overcoming adversity 3 - for starters, their name was Color me Badd. Also they were pretty unfortunate looking.
• Album Sales 1 - had one major hit (featuring "I Wanna Sex You Up" and other big singles), but other than that, not too much
• Tour/Merchandise 1 - nothing on Wikipedia about any tour or merchandise. Don't think Smurftastic's sister ever saw them in concert, and that's about the time frame.
• Artistic Performance 2 - artistry really present only in the name here, and provocative lyrics. Because telling a girl you want to Sex her up is clearly the best way to get into her pants. Lieutenant Andy Baldwin probably used that line on Bevin.
• Alumni Success 1 - HA you've GOT to be kidding. One is an insurance agent, one married an American Idol contestant, and one was apparently on the VH1 reality show "Man Band"
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 1 - only funny for their name and HORRIBLE song
• Miscellaneous 2 - Billboard apparently says they are the 7th most successful band of the nineties, won some American Music Awards
• Post-success nostalgia 3 - thank YOU "Dick in a Box"

Total Score - 17

Dreamstreet
Instead of giving you actual information about this band, Smurftastic is instead tempted to just use the first line of the Wikipedia entry to give them a score of one: The group was initially put together by producers Louis Baldonieri and Brian Lukow and titled 'Boy Wonder', it featured several 11-14 year old boys from the New York Broadway/Acting scene. To be fair, however..... let's give them a real ranking

• Strength of Schedule 4 - Only around for 4 years... but during, again, the NSYNC BSB era
• Overcoming adversity 2 - their original name was "Boy Wonder." Enough said. The boys also sued their producers and won... but then were NEVER allowed to perform together again. The listeners are CLEARLY the losers in that situation.
• Album Sales 1 - Gold albums are for the weak
• Tour/Merchandise 1 - no info on Wikipedia
• Artistic Performance 1 - HA! Seriously??? Their biggest market was Nickelodeon commercials and radio Disney
• Alumni Success 2 - Jesse McCartney had a REALLY ANNOYING song and was on some WB show that my female roommates used to like. The rest of the guys... apparently you can find their solo music on their myspace pages... SCORE
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 1 - because Smurftastic feels bad about giving zeros, especially when she has NO IDEA about any of the songs these guys sing.
• Miscellaneous 1 - Broadway background???? Whatever.
• Post-success nostalgia 1 - Nope. If any of the readers really remember them... I almost feel bad for you. And I'M the loser blogging about boy bands in the first place

Total Score: 14

Hanson

• Strength of Schedule 5 - according to Wikipedia have been around since 1992... so lived through both the NKOTB and the end of Boyz II Men era AND NSYNC and BSB eras... good job guys
• Overcoming adversity 3 - well were pretty awkward. And brothers. And sang the song MMM Bop. By choice. Clearly adversity if I've ever seen it
• Album Sales 3 - their first album went platinum four times, one other platinum album and a gold album... plus at least 3 others on the charts
• Tour/Merchandise 2 - in 98... had an apparently successful tour called the Albertane tour. Also lots of unauthorized books sold. Smurftastic kind of recalls there being dolls... but no guarantees; could just be a hallucination
• Artistic Performance 3 - played their own instruments... seemed to spend quite a bit of time growing their hair.
• Alumni Success 1 - still together. The middle one got married really young. Smurftastic had no idea that either of the last two albums existed.
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 2 - Smurftastic is embarrassed to admit it... but she really enjoyed the This Time Around album
• Miscellaneous 1 - May 6, 1997, was declared 'Hanson Day' in Tulsa by Oklahoma's then-governor . Thank YOU Wikipedia
• Post-success nostalgia 2 - at one point (aka college) MM Bop was PRETTY hilarious when it came on when we were all wasted at some sort of theme party. Then we felt bad about it.

Total Score: 22

Menudo

• Strength of Schedule 4 - 1977-1996... Around for a long time. Extra points just for that.
• Overcoming adversity 3 - Boys replaced as soon as they turned 16. Most of them were probably even too young to bang groupies. Ouch.
• Album Sales 3 - almost 37 albums listed on Wikipedia. WOW...
• Tour/Merchandise 3 - "The Brazilian tour in 1985 was really successful, with more than a million fans, mostly teen girls, attending, but it was poorly organized. In a concert in Rio de Janeiro, the capacity was 60,000 but 70,000 tickets were sold and two women died. In São Paulo, a 100,000 capacity stadium was sold-out with 200,000 people. And in a stadium in Campinas, a city of São Paulo, it rained and the concert was delayed for 4 hours. In Fortaleza, the group had the same number of police around them as the Pope, when he visited the city." - Thanks for the info, Wikipedia
• Artistic Performance 1 - booo... just boy bands... No real dancing. Lots of skipping, methinks
• Alumni Success 3 - Ricky Martin. Got hot candle wax dripped on him. Danced. A lot. NICE. Apparently MTV Tres is holding auditions this year for the new members
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 1 - Smurftastic was probably too young to fully appreciate Menudo. She also doesn't speak spanish.
• Miscellaneous 1 - changed their name to MDO in 1997. Should maybe have been included in the abbreviators
• Post-success nostalgia 2 - Menudo as a whole is pretty hilarious. Once saw the older members reunite on Regis and Kelly. Pretty awkward/hilarious

Total Score: 21

The Moffats

• Strength of Schedule 2 - have been around since 1990, but rode the book boy band popularity of the late 90s to pop stardom
• Overcoming adversity 1 - although some would say the fact they are Canadian is adversity... but they are wrong
• Album Sales 1 - Wikipedia doesn't even have a website on them... so probably, not.
• Tour/Merchandise 1 - please see above
• Artistic Performance 1 - Ha!
• Alumni Success 1 - No idea. At. All.
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 0 - the name the Moffats always reminds Smurftastic of Mullets. She wishes they had mullets, because writing about them would be more interesting
• Miscellaneous 2 - the band was made up of a big brother, and then triplet brothers. Triplets are pretty rare... worth a couple of points
• Post-success nostalgia 1 - does anyone really remember them??? Anyone???

Total Score: 10

The Monkees

• Strength of Schedule 3 - around from 65-70... same time as Jackson 5, British invasion, and 60s pop explosion
• Overcoming adversity 3 - always considered a Beatles knockoff... but there are worse things to be thought of as... plus John Lennon was a fan; also they wanted to be able to play their own instruments, but their producers wouldn't let them.
• Album Sales 4 - quite a few number one and top 5 albums
• Tour/Merchandise 2 - toured quite a bit, but had to use guest musicians, and when they tried to play themselves, it was awkward
• Artistic Performance 3 - didn't really have a lot of power over their own music, but still had some coordinated swaying, and that's always good times.
• Alumni Success
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 5 - Smurftastic considers the Monkees an official guilty pleasure. Much like all boy bands. Plus the brady bunch episode was hilarious
• Miscellaneous 4 as mentioned above, Davy Jones was on the Brady Bunch. And in the Brady Bunch movie. Plus they wore ridiculous 60s clothes. Good times.
• Post-success nostalgia 4 VHI had a Monkees TV show marathon, and it got awesome ratings. Go figure.

Total Score: 28

Its the BBCS... Part Deux!!!... The Abbreviators

Ok for the second installment of the BBCS, we are going through the guys that had abbreviated names, or shortened part of their names for simply letters. Classy, you know it!

BBMak

• Strength of Schedule 5 - on the scene at the height of the modern boy-band era, 1999-2003
• Overcoming adversity 1 - no Wikipedia evidence of adversity, cept being British
• Album sales 2 - decent, sold 3 million albums, 6 top 10 and top 40 singles
• Tour/Merchandise 2 - apparently sold out a tour in 2000 and performed at MTV New Years eve... also has a DVD entitled "Live in Vietnam"... awesome
• Artistic Performance 1 - weren't really a band of lots of flashyness... however, Smurftastic fully enjoyed the video where they were on the London Eye, and got super excited for that specific reason when she rode it herself. Also, they were pretty cute and had accents
• Alumni success 1 - broken up, apparently have solo careers... although Smurftastic can't name any individual members. Oh and one of the guys apparently does Christian music now.
• the USA Today/Coaches Poll 3 - Smurftastic fully enjoyed that one song that was big in the states... yes its still on her ITunes... no idea what else they've done tho
• Miscellaneous 4 - big ups to playing their own instruments (ish)
• Post-success nostalgia 3 - featured on That's What I Call Music, Volume 5 - easily the best of the volumes... if only because Smurftastic and a certain formal date drunkenly/hungoverly sang to it the entire way home the morning after (and it also featured Come Get It, by Aaron Carter... get excited)

Total Score: 22

LFO

• Strength of schedule 5 - 1997-2003 - primo boy band times
• Overcoming adversity 5 - only 3 members... the horrible name (see Misc.), only 1 remotely attractive member, their manager was Lou Pearlman (more on him later... suffice it to say, MAJOR skeezebag), Rich got leukemia in 2005 (Wikipedia says he's now in remission)
• Album Sales 2 - first album did very well, second album was a flop
• Tour/Merchandise 2 - opened for Britney Spears (keep this in mind for 6 degrees of Britney to be played AFTER the BBCS rankings... bitch is EVERYWHERE), and headlined the Nickelodeon All That Tour
• Artistic Performance 2 -extra points for them for the line "Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton"... had nothing to do w/ the song at all... but Smurftastic is a big Family Ties fan. Also, videos were subpar... just chicks in bikinis and Jennifer Love Hewitt (eew)
• Alumni Success 0 - none really... although one dude looked like the guy who played Theresa's boyfriend on the OC... I think his name was Eddie. Whatever... it wasn't him.
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 3 - Smurftastic fully enjoys them, as a big Abercrombie and Fitch supporter, and also a huge fan of randomness... which seems to be what all their songs represent. Good times.
• Miscellaneous 1 - the name stood for Lyte Funky Ones. Losers, however, mentioned fellow BBCSers NKOTB in Summer Girls... love the throwback
• Post-success nostalgia 4 - Smurftastic dares you to find someone between the ages of 21-24 who doesn't know at least a majority of the words to Summer Girls

Total Score- 24

NKOTB - aka New Kids on the Block

• Strength of schedule 3 - 86-94; really only had to deal w/ New Edition, Boyz II Men and apparently ABC
• Overcoming adversity 2 - Donnie Walberg had an affinity for lighting hotel rooms on fire, rat tails were PREVALENT in inappropriate ways, and Danny was patently unattractive, and kind of looked like a monkey.
• Album Sales 5 - over 70 million albums sold worldwide... awesome
• Tour/Merchandise 5 - yo... check out the "Hangin' Tough" tour tape - Smurftastics friend from HS had it on VHS... that was AWESOME... in addition, had dolls (Smurftastic had them all, don't worry... she used them to play Full House w/ her barbies) and more merchandise than you can shake a stick at. Among the big sister hand me downs (big ups, AllyCat) was a pillow w/ their faces on it
• Artistic Performance 3 - not really into the matching costumes, but the Right Stuff dance was pretty fantastic, you have to admit.
• Alumni Success 4 - Donnie Walberg is an actor now (was in 6th Sense, among other things), Jordan Knight and Joey McIntyre had solo albums, Jordan was on Surreal Life on VH1 (and made inappropriate sexual comments to Joey Gladstone about the Olsen twins... hilarity ensued) and his song Give it To You was featured on Darrin's Dance Grooves, and Joey was on Broadway and Dancing with the Stars
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 5 - personal favorite of Smurftastic
• Miscellaneous 4 - good times for the family factor (Jon and Jordan were brothers) and Donny is Marky Mark's brother, Jon dated Tiffany (I Think We're Alone Now - redhead)
• Post-success nostalgia 4 - don't even pretend like you don't tap your toes when Step by Step comes on...

Total Score - 35

NSYNC aka *NSync, N'Sync, etc.

• Strength of schedule 5 - biggest boy band explosion of modern times
• Overcoming adversity 4 -Lou Pearlman, Supercreep, was their manager and fucked them over w/ cash, etc; additionally, Lance's mom didn't want him to be in the band at first, and Lance and Justin's moms toured w/ them for years (really hurts when going for the groupie ass)
• Album Sales 5 -NSYNC wins at life, and you know it. No Strings Attached (first album after ditching Pearlman) sold 2.4 million albums in the FIRST WEEK, holding the record for most sales in one week in music history. Their next album, Celebrity, holds second place w/ 1.8 albums sold the first week, they have 3 Diamond Albums... DON'T SLEEP
• Tour/Merchandise 5 - NSYNCs tours are fan-fucking-tastic. DVDs can be seen at Smurftastic's apartment or pretty much anywhere. Particularly recommended - the No Strings Attached HBO special, and the one that started it all (esp. w/ Justin's blue genie pants) -the Disney Channel Original Music Special; merchandise was not to the extent of NKOTB... but they did have marionette dolls, magnets, folders, jewelry boxes, etc.
• Artistic Performance 5 - NSYNC was all about the additional feasts for the eyes... dancing all over the place (and they were actually good dancers... w/ the exception of Lance who was slightly awkward, esp at the beginning). Also have been known to wear matching (ish) outfits featuring glow sticks to throw to the crowd. Let us also not forget Chris's ridic dreadlocks (occasionally featuring glitter and pigtails) and Justin's blonde 'fro - often held back by a bedazzled bandanna.
• Alumni Success 4 - Justin Timberlake, of course... warrants no further explanation, JC released a solo album (not as good... dude is a sex fiend) and dated Eva Longoria, additionally, a song from his first album is now apparently the theme for ABC's Thursday night TV lineup; Joey Fatone has been in a few movies (Big Fat Greek Wedding) and TV Shows, as well as starred in Rent on Broadway, and is now kicking ass on Dancing w/ the Stars. Negative points for Lance trying to go to the moon (dammit), but he appeared in On the Line... horrible movie... but whatever; Chris does voiceover work and still has his clothing line
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 5 - no way they couldn't be. Smurftastic had(has?) an unhealthy obsession... and DJ Victorious has been known to put them in DJ lineups (probably just to watch me dance, and because I bug her to do it)
• Miscellaneous 5 - extra points for Justin devirginizing Britney Spears before she was nasty, the SuperBowl performance w/ Aerosmith, and putting themselves together. Also, don't forget the Mickey Mouse club (JC and Justin), and appearances on SNL (amazing skit appearances... even before Justin bringing it on into omeletville) These guys are like the Ohio State (only not losing in the end) of the BBCS
• Post-success nostalgia 5 - if you haven't experienced Smurftastic and her friends when an NSYNC song comes on... you are really missing out... or really lucky... either way.

Total Score - 43

O-Town

• Strength of schedule 5 - same time as NSYNC, et. al.
• Overcoming adversity 4 - first Making the Band band, one member was named Ashley Angel... ew; also managed by Lou Pearlman... ew...
• Album Sales 3 - sold about 5.5 million albums... not too shabby
• Tour/Merchandise 1 - no real tour success - too busy being on TV
• Artistic Performance 3 - creepy video to Liquid Dreams had morphing into water, kind of like Capri Sun commercials
• Alumni Success 2 - Ashley Parker Angel had another show on MTV about trying to make it NOT as an O-Town member, apparently some broadway success... No idea what the rest of them are up to.
• USA Today/Coaches Poll 2 - Smurftastic appreciated them for the humor/disgusting value of their songs, eg "Liquid Dreams" and the one about Going all night long... kind of catchy beats... but naughty
• Miscellaneous 1- negative points for recording a song on the Pokemon soundtrack
• Post-success nostalgia 2 - for anyone in my generation, you remember them and laugh when a song comes on, but that's it. Apparently there is a super popular band in Asia that does cover songs of them. Awesome.

Total Score - 23

FYI - even though BSB technically could fit in here, they aren't, cause I have to actually get studying done, and there's just too many bands from the same era then.

Also, for those of you who don't know about Lou Pearlman and his creepiness... enjoy?

IMPORTANT BBCS UPDATES

Ok. So have gotten some excellent feedback from the BBCS rankings thus far. First of all, my apologies to all you Sister Sister and Roger fans out there... I forgot to include his own band Immature in the rankings. Perhaps this is because until about 1 year ago, I thought Roger and his cousin in B2K were the SAME PERSON. And was infinitely confused about his presence in 2 boy bands. False. Immature. Get excited. Too late to include them in the rankings now... but let's just say, they are a fan favorite. I LOVE ROGER (no idea what his actual name is, but whatever).

While discussing this w/ DJ Victorious, I discovered that my childhood was filled w/ emptiness because I was not, until today, exposed to this juicy tidbit of pre-teen boybandness, ABC (or Another Bad Creation). I blame it on growing up in Dunlap, IL.



OK. I know what you are thinking... This is THE MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. And that's right. That's what I thought when I watched it as well. A few things to take note of during your second viewing (cause you know this is worth watching MULTIPLE times). 1) That girl is a minimum of 4 years older than three quarters of that band. Ew. 2) The New Edition cameo. Apparently (according to resident music expert DJ Victorious) this band is like the mini-New Edition. I'm analogizing this to Lil'Romeo/Master P and Snoop Dogg/Lil'Bow Wow. More bands should do this. Would I go see Lil'Justin Timberlake in concert? You bet your ass I would. Lil'50 Cent??? I'd give up my inheritance. Get on it guys, get on it.

I would like to extend a very special thank you to DJ Victorious and truechayiL for exposing me to this, and thus... making my finals week (and life) complete. Everything is all right now. The world is as it should be.

I swear, I'm studying.

BBCS... Bands by the NUMBERS

Ok, Have decided that each category mentioned previously can have a score up to 5. Bands will be ranked by total score. First up, The Bands With Numbers in Their Names. Damn, there are a lot of them.

2Gether
Check out their video!

Strength of schedule - 5: Came onto the scene with an MTV show mocking the big boybands of the late ‘90s, early ‘00s, so dealt w/ BSB, NSYNC, and all their followers
Overcoming adversity – 4 QT did suffer (and passed away from) a chronic disease, Chris Farley’s brother also had to overcome the fame and death of… Chris Farley
Album sales - 2 – 2 albums released before QT’s death. Single “The Hardest Part of Breaking Up (Is Getting Back Your Stuff)” reached 87 on the Billboard Hot 100
Tour/Merchandise 1 – opened for Britney Spears in 2000. No headlining
Artistic Performance 2– Not a whole lot of originality here, as they were a parody band; the intentional comedy was a welcome difference than the unintentional comedy of most Boy Bands
Alumni success 3 – Evan Farmer (Jerry) is now the host of “While You Were Out” on TLC; the other 3 living alumni do bit parts on crappy TV shows

the USA Today/Coaches Poll 3 – Smurftastic is a big fan, owns the first album; TV show/movie was good times was pretty funny
Miscellaneous 2 – humor of the songs are good times “Rub One Out” with the accompanying sound effects is worth a download
Post-success nostalgia 1 – this may just be Smurftastic and her friends from HS, but the first album is always good times to bust out at reunion parties

Total Score: 26

5ive

Strength of schedule 5 – Same as 2Gether; Hung out w/ NSYNC, BSB and the like
Overcoming adversity 0 – no well known adversity, other than being British,
Album sales 3 – according to Wikipedia, 20 million albums sold, but it was probably in Europe, not as cool. Sorry
Tour/Merchandise 1 – apparently 2 headlining Tours around UK and Europe AND got dropped from NSYNC’s Boys of Summer Tour because they wanted to lipsync. BOOO. Whatever, they were replaced w/the Sugar Hill Gang, and it was AWESOME
Artistic Performance 1 – Some of them had some CRAZY spiked hair, and if Smurftastic remembers accurately, one had it dyed like a soccer ball. EEW.
Alumni success 1 – 4 of the 5 band members reunited in 2006, so clearly, not much success
the USA Today/Coaches Poll 3 – Smurftastic, again, big fan… but only big enough to buy their first album from CDNOW.com for 67 cents. Oh and once watched the Disney Channel Special.
Miscellaneous 4 – “Slam Dunk Da Funk” deserves special praise. Became the theme song for the NBA in 1998, as well as featured on the Disney Channel Original Movie Smart House; In addition, Smurftastic has sneaking suspicion it was the inspiration for “That’s How I Beat Shaq” by Aaron Carter, however negative points for this little Wikipedia tidbit: “They then began filming the video for the debut single of the album, "Let's Dance" with only four of the five members after band member Sean fell ill with glandular fever and was replaced with a life-size cardboard cut-out.” AWESOME -1
Post-success nostalgia 3 – Not gonna lie, that CD can be busted out around kids my age, and is GREAT running music.

Total Score: 20

98 Degrees

Strength of schedule 5 – the 3rd most popular band in the land of NSYNC and BSB
Quick question… what the F is with all the bands w/ numbers in them that came out at the same time????
Overcoming adversity 2 – only 4 members instead of 5, less attractive than most boy bands (sorry Nick Lachey); also didn’t share the solos like they should have
Album sales 3 – sold 10 million albums by 2002, released 12 singles
Tour/Merchandise 2 – While Smurftastic never saw them in concert, they did come to the Illinois State Fair in Springfield once. That REALLY is the big time. Don’t sleep on 98 Degrees.
Artistic Performance 1 – sucky dancers, less flashy outfits, less entertaining
Alumni success 3 – Nick Lachey released 2 mediocre solo albums (negative points for the name of the first one, SoulO douchebag) and married/railed Jessica Simpson; put up w/ her for like 3 years, was the subject of a HILARIOUS SNL sketch, and now has moved in w/ Vanessa from MTV. His little bro was on Dancing with the Stars. Think he won, but not sure.
the USA Today/Coaches Poll 3
Miscellaneous 3 – sang a song w/ Stevie Wonder on the Mulan Soundtrack, but it wasn’t as good as Donny Osmond saying he’ll make a man out of us (see the Osmonds critique in a few); also had Screech and the Doritos chick star in a video
Post-success nostalgia 1 – hard to have post success nostalgia when the only semi-cute/talented member is still shoved in our face. Don’t really miss the other guys too much.

Total Score: 23

All 4 One

Strength of schedule 1 – Boys II Men, that’s about it… mid nineties was a dry time in Boy Band land
Overcoming adversity 2 -compared to Boys II Men a lot; apparently still together. Last album was an Asia only release. OUCH.; also, only 4 members
Album sales 3 – apparently the first two albums went high on Billboard charts. Whatever
Tour/Merchandise 0 – no idea. Don’t care
Artistic Performance 1 – nothing really worthwhile, just swaying back and forth in large mid nineties Button Down shirts.
Alumni success 0 – still together. OUCH again
the USA Today/Coaches Poll 0 – Smurftastic found that song “I Swear” (and the girls who were obsessed w/ it) pretty freaking annoying, and she has a pretty strong tolerance for HORRIBLE music
Miscellaneous 1 – Song still played at weddings (ew); Actually was a cover from an equally obnoxious country song
Post-success nostalgia 0 – I really don’t have anything here… not a huge fan, don’t really ever need to hear “I Swear” or “I Can Love you Like That” ever again

Total Score: 8

B2K

Strength of schedule 3 – came on right at the end of the NSYNC BSB era, had a pretty strong hold on the R&B crew
Overcoming adversity 1 – one of the guys is cousins with Roger from Sister Sister. Nuff said.
Album sales 2 – One platinum, one gold, and an album entitled “Santa Hooked Me Up” Kill yourselves. Now.
Tour/Merchandise 2 – headlined a tour w/ Roger and Nick Cannon, among others
Artistic Performance 1 - good dancing intensity, matching hugely baggy outfits
Alumni success 1 – Omarion might still be a big deal, don’t really know, also were in the movie “You Got Served”
the USA Today/Coaches Poll 1 – harsh, but Smurftastic never got on board, though DJ Victorious is apparently a HUGE fan of You Got Served
Miscellaneous 2 – Bump Bump Bump was an alright song for Pom Teams to sluttily dance to, however, negative points because Wikipedia says their website is: b2klovesyou.com. Again… kill yourselves; positive points for being associated w/ KFed before he hooked up w/ Britney (You Got Served)
Post-success nostalgia 0.5 – only cause the one dude reminds me of Sister Sister and that was a decent show.

Total Points: 13.5

Boyz II Men

Strength of schedule 2 – they were BY FAR the strongest of their time… I mean, All 4 One was their competition. Boo.
Overcoming adversity 2 – management issues (whatever); and snuck backstage at a Bel Biv DeVoe concert in Philly after they first formed (ew); originally started w/ 5 members, now down to 3.
Album sales 5 – according to Wikipedia, the best selling R&B group of all time, sold over 90 million albums and 50 million singles. SNAP!
Tour/Merchandise 4 – Opened for Hammer’s 2 Legit to Quit Tour (BONUS), otherwise probably really successful
Artistic Performance 3 – sappy songs always get the girls’ hearts, but Smurftastic needs to see more in a video than flowy early 90s shirts and newsboy caps
Alumni success 2 – still together, last album released exclusively online on Valentine’s day.
the USA Today/Coaches Poll 4 – can’t get enough of the II album (which I used to own on cassette tape!), and (although I judge myself) liked the Mariah Carey duet.
Miscellaneous 4 – “Motown Philly” featured on Full House as Stephanie Tanner’s dance recital music, when she wore a cap w/ mirrors and sequins an did the running man. Fantastic, but negative points for “I’ll Make Love to You.” Smurftastic does not enjoy the phrase 'making love;. It’s not a damn soap opera in the 1800s! Just call it 'boning' already.
Post-success nostalgia 4 – ever since I typed “Motown Philly” I’ve been singing that song in my head, and am now downloading it. Dammit Boyz II Men and your hold on me!!

Total Score: 30

The Jackson Five

Strength of schedule 4 – 1968-1975 (actually 1990 according to Wikipedia, but that doesn’t count); great time for all music, Motown was at its strength, also similar in time to the Osmonds and other big family bands
Overcoming adversity 5 – Father was CRAZY (if you didn’t’ see the VH1 movie… that shit was OUT OF CONTROL); from Gary Indiana; once met a group of guys dressed like Pimps on the PATH train who said they were going to be on Joe Jackson's reality show... good lord I hope that never happens; oh and a little thing called MICHAEL JACKSON WAS IN THE BAND… that’s some adversity if I ever saw any
Album sales 5 – 10 albums before 1975, 6 after that, countless singles and greatest hits albums; 4 #1 singles
Tour/Merchandise 4 – Rolling Stone described their 1981 tour as one of the best 25 tours between 1967 and 1987. Intersting; Had their own magazine and tons of merchandise aimed at kids.
Artistic Performance 4 – sparkly costumes, afros, and group bouncing and spinning. Don’t’ forget the bellbottoms
Alumni success 4 – Would be a 5 for Michael Jackson, but Michael also cost them half a point for being weird, also don’t forget Tito and Jermaine. Ew.
the USA Today/Coaches Poll 5 – Smurftastic HEARTS the Jackson 5
Miscellaneous 3 – had a Saturday morning cartoon… YES; also allowed Janet Jackson to sing with them sometimes before she turned uberslutty
Post-success nostalgia 4 – Jackson 5 songs add a sense of nostalgia to any good movie, just look at Now and Then… I love that movie. Also, on one tour, NSYNC did a music decades thing, and the Jackson 5 was the 70s representatives. Good times.

Total Score: 38

BBCS Field of 30!

The following boy(ish) bands will be considered in the BBCS (Boy Band Championship Series):

2Gether
5ive
98 Degrees
All 4 One
B2K
Backstreet Boys
BBMak
The Beatles
Boys II Men
Boyzone
Color Me Badd
Dreamstreet
Hanson
The Jackson Five
LFO
Menudo
The Moffats
Monkees
NKOTB
NSYNC

New Edition

Next
O-town
The Osmonds
SoulDecision
Youngstown
Village People
Take That
The Temptations
Wham!

Results will be posted over the next few weeks, with final rankings to come out following individual analysis. Basically, this will be Smurftastic's finals distraction. Weigh in w/ comments if you see fit. Special thanks to Wikipedia's list of boy bands to help jog my memory.

It's the BBCS!!!! - preseason evaluations

Well it is almost time for the ultimate drought of Smurftastic's sports. College basketball and football are done, baseball is not fun unless I am blacked out at a game getting a tan and heckling people, NBA basketball is ehhh if it happens to be on when I'm out somewhere and an IL alum is playing, and hockey is in the playoffs (almost over and no Leafs... shit), and soccer is closing up shop soon as well. So I am creating a new championship. The BBCS. That's right. The BOY BAND CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES. A methodical and fair (????? - well just as fair as the BCS... so not too much at all?????) rankings of boy bands over time. Haven't completely worked out all of the details of how they will be ranked, but things included will be:

• Strength of schedule (eg - other boy bands on the market at the same time)
• Overcoming adversity (eg - backlash, gay rumors, creepy managers)
• Album sales
• Tour/Merchandise
• Artistic Performance (going beyond the music: props, choreography, videos and the like)
• Alumni success
• the USA Today/Coaches Poll - aka personal choices of Smurftastic (a self professed boy band expert) and DJ Victorious (resident music expert)
• Miscellaneous
• Post-success nostalgia

As of now, the Smurftastic preseason TOP 5 of the BBCS is:
1.) NSYNC
2.) The Monkees
3.) New Kids on the Block
4.) The Jackson 5
5.) Boyz II Men


Weigh in w/ your opinions in the comments, reader preference may become a factor (unless you all have horrible Boy Band taste, again to be determined by Smurftastic)


While you are pondering, think about the greatest boy band mockery of all time... if you haven't seen it, I have it on VHS, really... check it out. really. NSYNC as musical guest w/ Joshua Jackson as host... NSYNC appearing in multiple skits, most notably, this one... "Why don't you drive through my heart, can I take your order...." CLASSIC.